Go to one of StellaKat's posts on this thread and click on her name.

This will bring up a new screen. One of the options there is a button that says "Ignore This Poster". Click on it. You will no longer see anything that she posts.

I do think that at some point you will have to decide what you will do about being married to a man who refuses to behave like he's your husband, but right now is not that time. One step at a time. Is he at least providing financial support for you and your mutual children?

Hang in there - we'll just take this a day at a time, or even an hour at a time.
Mulan

I am not going to say anything about the SK posts. I just wanted to let you know that I have a baby that is only a few months old so I know how hard it is, especially when you have an older child and are 99% responsible for baby/child care. So you are likely feeling overwhelmed and attacked from all angles. The physical and emotional changes of pregnancy are childbirth enough to send any woman over the edge never mind the sleep deprivation. Add a WH who is completely w/o empathy to the mix and your life is ****** on Earth.

Do what you have to do for yourself right now. I know you are probably beyond worried about the state of your marriage but you are not in a position to do anything about it because you are in a state of crisis.

If you are breastfeeding then AD will not be an option for you. Instead you have to focus on letting go, lay the burden of this marriage down. I too have always been in the position of being the fixer and one who tries in my marriage while the husband is content to let the "house" burn down all around us as long as I was not verbalizing my unhappiness.

Well no more. I am not a prison warden and I don't force anyone to be where they don't want to be. I am in plan A with him but at the same time I am not taking any crap. Plan A doesn't mean that you are a doormat and have to stand for nonsense. It means that you are going to change the things and ways of being that are detrimental to your marriage. If AO and DJ (using myself as an example) are your faults then you changed them and you show him the material for MB and tell him that you would like to do this together.

If he chooses to ignore the MB stuff or he starts harping and bitching and moaning about what a bad spouse you have been then walk away. It takes two to argue and play the blame game and once you remove yourself from the scene who will he have to argue with? Gradually as you begin to work on your issues and no longer allow him to engage you in the fighting and craziness you will feel great peace come over you.

This is the interesting part because at this point you will start to look at your marriage from a different less desperate perspective. You will begin to wonder if you EVEN want him in your life anymore. Once you are back in control of yourself you will see what you are worth, your self-esteem will begin to climb out of the ditch and then you will realize that you can do it on your own if you need to and that the world will not come to an end if your marriage ends.

At that point you will honestly be able to assess if you want him your life because you want him or because you need him? Yes, you will always have some part of you that needs your husband but being desperate and clingy will never work. It's the desperation that allows you to be taken advantage of, which makes it OK for him to cross boundaries again and again.

You cannot control or change him you can only control and change yourself.

Good luck to you.

intexas, I have read James Dobson's Love Must be Tough. In fact, I have read and continue to read everything I can about affairs and how to survive them. Every book and article says that there must be NO contact with the OW in order for a marriage to survive. I have tried to tell my husband that but he refuses to listen. He tells me that he is NOT leaving his job, and if I don't like it than I can leave. So he's putting the onus on me. So that if I leave, he can blame me for abandoning him and he can feel righteous that he tried.

That puts me in a horrible place. I know I need boundaries, but I am not strong enough to give him an ultimatum: either you leave your job or I leave. If I do that now, I know he's going to tell me I can go. And I'm not ready to leave.

The arguments that we have are always about this very issue. I tell him I can't recover from his affair when he sees OW every day. He gets fed up with me because he tells me over and over again that nothing is going on with them, and he doesn't see what the problem is.

I've tried to find other solutions to him not leaving by asking him to check in with me every day as to whether he has had any contact with her. He tells me if I want to know something just to ask him, but I counter with, I don't want to police you; I say it would go a long way to rebuilding trust with me if you would offer information to me. He doesn't agree with that. He says she is the furthest thing from his mind, and the only time he thinks of her is when I ask him, so because he will forget, I should remind him.

To that I think, if he really cared about me and wanted to help me stop hurting, he would think about trying to do everything to help me with this. So when he says he's going to forget to tell me stuff, that makes me think he isn't putting a priority on me. Am I being too paranoid with this? Should I be glad that he cares so little about her that she's out of his mind?

I really believe there is nothing sexual going on with her. That's not why I become panicked. It's that I think it's very disrespectful to me to have him still keeping contact with her.

He also tells me that he's afraid to leave his job because he doesn't trust me. He thinks that I will leave him anyway and then he'll be out of his job and he won't have his wife.

So at this point I'm in a terrible place. I guess my thinking is that I will Plan A him (I'm not sure for how long), and then at some point set my boundaries with him.

On the positive side, he has been attentive. He comes home every day after work, he calls me several times a day, he buys me flowers, he goes grocery shopping, makes dinner, goes to church with me and the kids every weekend, told me that he wants to spend family time and promises not to work on the weekends so he can be with us.

If I don't bring this affair up or the OW, my H is perfect. He's attentive, he talks, he's very affectionate, he spends time with us, etc. Then when I blow up at him because I need to talk about the affair to get some perspective, he gets mad, defensive and frustrated.

Our pattern for the last few months is that I will be the perfect wife (cook dinner, clean the house, be attentive, be nice, don't bring up OW) for a few weeks, and he thinks everything is going fine. Then something will trigger me, and we'll fight.

I don't know what to do. Any thoughts or suggestions? Maybe I'm doing this all wrong. I thought Plan A was to be nice and meet his ENs. But when I try to do that and suppress my needs, I feel sick inside like I'm losing my self. In fact, I've been having recurring nightmares that I am being chopped up slowly.

How long do I Plan A while in the inside I'm crying out for help? If only my DH would reassure me and understand my pain, I think that would help me so much to recover. But I'm probably pushing him farther and farther away by being so needy and constantly wanting him to tell me he loves me. What should I do? I need a game plan.

I need hope and courage.

Mulan, thanks for your advice on how to ignore a poster.

Regarding your comment about my husband not behaving like my husband, he is in fact acting like the perfect husband. See my prior post about that. My problem is that the OW still works with him. I don't think anything is going on with them; in fact I'm sure nothing intimate is going on with them. It's my pride, and of course my self-esteem is shot because of this.

He tells me he wants to work on our marriage, and he is not going to leave. He is afraid I will be the one to leave. That's why he doesn't want to leave his job. Plus, I am quitting my job and going back to school, so he feels that since he will be the sole breadwinner of the family, now is not a good time to leave. Additionally, he has a lot at stake if he leaves. Next year, he will most likely make partner which means he will double his salary and make a lot of money.

I really don't care about the money; I think a happy home is more important. I would be willing to downsize our lifestyle if I was guaranteed a happy marriage. But I guess in life there are no guarantees.

If he's acting so good, should I really be on his case about the OW? My husband just gets really irritated when I bring her up. Maybe I should just shut up about it for now and Plan A him to death. Maybe in time, with God's help, OW will leave or he'll leave the firm.

Almondeyes, your post was very encouraging. I am working on being a good wife, but sometimes I just lose it due to some trigger. I think if I wasn't so hormonal, I would be able to handle it much better, but sometimes I feel like something has invaded my body and I can't control the feelings that wash over me.

DH only argues with me when I bring up the affair. Otherwise, if I don't say anything, he has no reason to be upset. He has agreed to marriage counseling, and we've gone once so far. Our counselor did tell us that an affair is a grievable event, and that I needed to go through the stages of grief to get over it. That sunk in with my husband because he'll tell me that he understands that I need to grieve over this.

As for the MB principles, DH refuses to read anything or work on any questionnaires with me. He thinks they are silly, and he doesn't like reading. I am frustrated by that because I think it could help us, but DH is just not willing to do it.

I went to the counselor on my own the second session, and the counselor said that he would work on educating my husband on affairs. Perhaps if DH hears it from someone else, it will stick.

Okay, I'm back after a long hiatus. After over a year of trying, my husband and I are once again separated. I can't seem to deal with him still working with the OW. Although he says nothing is happenning between the two of them, I feel so insecure and unsafe about the situation. As a result, I am going crazy and I get so obsessed.

This last Tuesday, he told me he was doing an all-day presentation with her at a place 80 miles away. Of course, I thought, they're going to have to drive together which means they'll be alone, which means their could be a chance at something going on -- my mind was racing a mile a minute. Well then, I just got so hyperanxious I couldn't think straight. I just went ballistic and started crying and jumping around and just losing it.

Well, he got so upset and said he couldn't deal with me anymore. As a result, he said he wanted a separation. Now, we are separated in our own house. He moved out of our bedroom.

This last year, he has not made me feel safe. You would think that after the affair, he would do everything he could to make me feel safe. However, he has refused to leave his job and told me that if I couldn't deal with it, then I could just leave.

Then, he got involved with a group of guys who cheat on their wives. They go out every Friday drinking and playing golf. Since the first of the year, my husband has gone on three long trips with the guys: two to Las Vegas for 5 days and one to Mexico for 4 days to drink, go to bars and play golf. Normally, I wouldn't be too upset about this, but we have a newborn at home, and I was working full-time, so this was a huge burden on me. Also, I felt like he wasn't putting any effort in our marriage to be with me. Not once this year has he taken me out anywhere. So I guess I was feeling jealous.

Anyway, we've been separated since this last Tuesday. Yesterday, he said he didn't want a divorce only a separation and that he wasn't going to act like he was divorced. Well, last night, he went out with the guys again and didn't get home until after 3 am!!! What is a married man doing that late at night?

Okay, here's my question: I feel like since he's acting like he's divorced, should I just go ahead and file for divorce? I'm already contemplating a legal separation. I can't deal with him thinking it's okay to mess around while we're still married.

I'm not sure what I want from this board -- maybe support because I'm feeling so lonely and upset that he's doing these things.

I know there are those out there with even more heartbreaking stories than mine -- but I could sure use some support and encouragement to stay strong.

I don't want to cave in to him and beg him to come back because nothing will have changed. He'll still think it's okay to work with the OW, and he'll still want to hang out with his buddies.

Just really sad.

Thanks for reading.

You need to go to Plan B. It is disrespectful for him to still work with OW, and go traveling for work with her. The trips to Mexico and Las Vegas reek of more infidelity.

I would see an attorney about getting him out of the home, and go to Plan B.

Thanks Believer. Believe me, I'm trying to get him out of the house but he just won't go. He is now saying we'll both stay until we sell the house -- that could take 6 months! Ugh!!! I have a meeting with my lawyer next Thursday. At first I was thinking of just filing for the legal separation, but now I'm seriously considering going ahead with the divorce.

I don't know how I can go to Plan B with him here.

Hope, I agree very much with believer, Plan B is very overdue. File for seperation or divorce and get him out of that house before he leads you into a nervous breakdown.

Did you expose his affair at work?

This is nothing more than FLAGRANT ABUSE and manipulation. You are not "seperated;" he simply moved into another room which he believes entitles him to act like he is single. His behavior is extremely cruel and thoughtless and will lead to nothing but emotional and physical problems for you, Hope. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. It's good to hear voices of reason because my husband is making me feel like I am the crazy one. I do feel like I am abused, but he is so good (he's a trial attorney) at making me feel I am the one to blame. I have literally been going crazy and out of my mind with this.

His behavior is indeed cruel and thoughtless, and I deserve better!!! According to him, separation means that I don't get into his business, and he is not going to worry about me. So that means he's going to do what he damn well pleases, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I really need him out because I am losing it! I will keep you all posted.

Thanks for the support and encouragement.

I would just tell him that there is no room in your marriage for another woman and it is very hurtful that he STILL is working with her, even IF nothing is going on.

Let him know that you are sorry it has come to this, and see an attorney to find out your rights. You may NOT be able to get him out of the home.

As Melody asked, have you exposed them at work?

My sis is a partner in a law firm, and they have had so many problems over the years that they only hire old, ugly secretaries.

Yes, they all know at work. The managing partner is my cousin's husband, and I was stupid enough to ask him to talk to my husband about what was going on. I thought since he was "related" to me, he would side with me. But no. Since my WH is the highest billing attorney in the firm, greed prevailed, and so my cousin's husband sided with my husband. He also betrayed my confidences. I told him things that he went on to tell my husband. Of course my husband got so angry with me.

Now, my relationship with my cousin and her husband is strained. Her husband told me straight out that it didn't matter if my husband was having an affair. Because he makes money for the firm, he is guaranteed to make partner. Also, he was afraid of a sexual harassment suit. The OW is also an attorney who specializes in employment and sexual harassment. So basically, the firm and the partner are running scared. They didn't want to touch this with a ten-foot pole.

Everyone in the office knows. Another of my cousins has a husband who is also an attorney in the office, and he told her that other attorneys would talk about how inappropriate my WH and the OW would act around each other in the office.

Ugh, I just hate attorneys! They just care about the money.

I think I am going to just tell him I'm filing for divorce. I'm seeing my therapist next Wednesday, so I'm going to run it by her first.

Or you could just file for a separation if that will get him out of the house. The trouble with a separation (at least in California)is that if you decide to divorce, you have to pay for the whole thing over again.

I got a legal separation from my sons' father, thinking I would give him some time to change. Visitation and all of the financial things were settled. After 3 years, I filed for divorce, thinking it was going to be easy. NOPE. It was just as expensive as the separation.

Talk to your attorney for ideas to get your husband OUT. Then you can do a Plan B.

Hey, I've found a silver lining with this separation: my husband is finally taking responsibility for the kids. My child is now 11 months old. Up until now, I was the one to take care of him and get up with him at night. Well, last night, my husband had both kids. I told him to put the pack n play in his room, and he had the infant. I finally got a full night's sleep!!! So refreshing.

The next day, I told him that if he had helped me more with the kids, I probably would not have resented him so much and complained all the time. I wouldn't have been so sleep-deprived.

So, I kinda like this separation. I actually get to have time for myself now because he is going to have to take care of the kids two nights a week and every other weekend.

Anyway, I do have a question: what is the whole point of a separation? According to my husband, he thinks he can do whatever he wants -- as if he wasn't married. He thinks that it's a time to see if you miss the other person. So if he dates around, and he misses me, then that means we should be together. However, if he starts dating around and likes that other person then that means we weren't meant to be.

To me, there's something wrong with his logic.

You are married - he is just being crazy talking separation. If he wants to be separated, tell him to move OUT. And neither of you should be dating until you are DIVORCED. See an attorney.

well, I am still living in the house with my H. I really can't take it anymore. Friday night he was out until 3 am; last night until 4:30 am. To see him flaunt our marriage like this is so painful to me. While I told myself I wouldn't snoop anymore because it was beneath me, and I have to move on, I did snoop this morning. I found a condom in his car's middle console. It wasn't there before. If he wants to move on, why not just file for divorce and move on? Why can some people just be so cruel???

I am not in a good place right now -- crying all of the time. I literally can't function. I told my husband that I would move out because I just can't take it anymore. I told him I still loved him but his actions were causing too much pain. He didn't really respond to me.

My therapist told me to just leave him alone and stop talking relationship stuff. It kills me though when I see him going out all the time and coming back really late. That to me is so disrespectful of me and our marriage. We did have 12 years of marriage, and we did love each other a lot. You would think he would respect our marriage and not flaunt his singlehood. But I guess individuals who are wayward do that very thing.

Last week, my 5 year old in therapy announced out of the blue that daddy pushed mommy. As a result, the therapist filed a child protective services report. Maybe that will finally get my husband's attention. He will be livid!!!

I'm just so mad that I am forced to move out of the house and totally rearrange my life so that he can stay in our nice, large house, and so he can live his wonderfully single life with all the money he will get when he makes partner at his law firm later this year. I, on the other hand, will have a house less than half the size of the house I'm in now and no money (H says I'm not entitled to alimony).

Life just isn't fair. He had the affair. I may have contributed to our problems prior to the affair, but his actions during and after the affair were and are disrespectful to me and our marriage. I mean how can you stay in your job seeing the OW every day and expect your marriage to recover and flourish? I tried for one year to accept the OW working with WH, but I was miserable. Plus, I didn't get the support and remorse I needed from my husband.

I should just cut my losses shouldn't I? It is painful, though, to give up a dream. We did love each other so much. And we have a one-year old and 5-year old. Life sucks!

FIND A SHARK FOR A LAWYER NOW.
You are entitled to more than you know!

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My heart goes to you. It's one of the worst moments/ situations that one can ever get.
It is apparent now that you should just leave him, take the kid. File the case, get the custody, void all contacts with him. I know it's painful to love and hate someone at the same time. It's less painful to just cut him away. Reconciling and Separating again will just lengthen this suffering process.
I think he views you as someone who is weaker party, while OW is the stronger party.
I think he is taking you for granted since every plea to get reconceiled seemed to work for him. He does miss you, no doubt about it. But that's only when you've 'temporarily' left him. Make him miss you even more, reject it should he ask you to come back again. This marriage should be at your call, not his.

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Yes, it is painful. Not only did he have an affair and basically flaunt it for the last year, but he did physically abuse me and my five year old. The pushing incident I alluded to earlier happened about a month ago. He insists that he didn't push me (so I must have just fallen to the ground somehow???). He says I provoked him. I will admit that we were arguing and I got in his way so he couldn't leave. However, he is a big guy, 6'3", 230 lbs., and I am 5'5", 120 lbs, so any time he even touches me especially in anger, there's going to be some force behind it. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time he's done it.
With my son, he disciplines him by smacking him when he does something bad. I don't believe in corporal punishment at all (even spanking), so I was horrified when he started doing this. To him, this is normal because his parents disciplined him this way. I tried to tell him that what he was doing was abuse, but he wouldn't hear it from me. I have threatened to call the police on him, but he always told me that if I did, our marriage was over. So I guess I kept quiet because I was afraid he would leave. I have felt tremendous guilt over this because I feel like I haven't been protecting my child. However, I don't think he means to hurt him -- he just kinda smacks my child. That's not acceptable though! When it happens, I see my child tear up and get so hurt, and my heart just breaks.

One time, it was really bad. A few months ago, my 5 year old was trying to kiss his baby brother who was in his car seat on top of a rickety table. Well, you know what happened -- the car seat fell, and the baby tumbled on to the floor. Luckily, he was buckled in, so he wasn't hurt at all. My husband comes racing into the room and slaps my 5-year old on the face. I had seen him slap the child once before. The slap was so hard that he left marks from his hand, then a few hours later, I saw that a blood vessel right under his eye had burst and started turning red, then blue, then purple. The worse thing for me though, as a mother, was seeing how sad and hurt my 5 year old was. I gathered him in my arms and kept telling him it wasn't his fault. It really wasn't his fault -- he didn't do anything out of malice. It wasn't his fault that his father decided to put the car seat on top of something unstable. I would never have done that.

I kept my cool with my husband for about 30 minutes waiting to see if he would say anything but he never did. I felt like he didn't care what he did to our child. Looking back on it now, I feel guilty. I was colluding with my husband instead of sticking up for my child. I was so angry at my husband that I did tell him if he ever did it again, I would call the police. Then, he apologized and said he wouldn't do it. Well, if it's any consolation, he hasn't hit my child like that since -- as far as I know.

So you're right, I know I need to move on. Today, I just found a place to live, and I will be moving out in early December. Wish me luck!