i know you all have not written a countless amount of posts to me for fun. i know you all sincerly want to see my marriage recover and flourish.

sometimes, i feel like i'm wasting your time because we are not progressing enough.

i really am trying. i'm not a marriage counsoler, i really don't know how to do this alone and DH has NOT show any evidence of wanting to work on improving our marriage. that is NOT to say he has not learned some things along the way or shows no signs of caring. he does. i just feel like we are surviving but not growing.

i hurt him so badly, i feel like i have no right to rock the boat too much. i do try to rock it gently. i just don't know if anything i do helps.

i recently read something in another thread that basically said... the WS created this mess, the considerate thing for them to do is to let the BS stear the recovery path.

i recently had a thread about tv and about not wanting to join him. this came about because i had told FF that i felt like i was disconnecting. she asked if DH was meeting my ENs but her question made me think more about am I meeting his ENs. Since we have not done the ENQ, i can only guess as to his needs. and so i thought about what he most likes to do and i came up with tv and golf. we;ve already heard me talk about tv, i won't go over that again.

as for golf. i have honestly tried hard to help clear time for him to golf. for example, by going in a little late so that i could get the kids to school freeing him up to do an early (break of dawn) round. i ask him how the game was when he is home, being sure to give him undivided attention (as much as possible anyway, sometimes it is hard to get DS to let us have a conversation.) i am interested in going to the driving range with him but that has not happened yet. i hope we can play a few rounds together. i know he likes it when we do, but it forces him to play an easier course. i just don't have enough talent to play the courses he prefers. so mostly the thing i can do for him is to clear his schedule and be supportive and interested.

i try to put into practice things i have learned here. i really do believe i have personally grown.

i want this marriage to work, i really do.

so why don't i do the ENQ? because i fear that anything i write that is not 100% positive will only cause more trouble. he will take it as a critism. and he will not tolorate being critized. for that same reason i hesitate doing anything else. i personally cannot take any more struggling between us.

last weekend, something he said bothered me. i did not immediately respond. i first internally processed what part of the topic bothered me. i tried to very respectfully explain to him what in specific bothered me. all i got for my efforts was to be told i was wrong to feel that way. it was not a heated conversation or anything but it is so tiresome. right before going to bed i told him i didn't feel safe opening up to him. the next day was fathers day so i wrote him a note before anyone else was up and then i stashed the note. there was no way i was going to allow anything negative to happen on that day. and i am sure i was extremely sucessful in internally stashing the issue away too. i had the note written, i didn't need to think about it anymore. monday morning was hectic and he had a golf outing planned. so i kept the note to myself then too. finally i told him about the note and asked him to read it, (twice, once for the head, once for the heart, a retrovaille thing). i know he has read it once. he didn't say too much about it. but he did say not to worry, he did not have a neg response to it. but then we did not talk about it anymore. today he said he would have to read it a second time still. he is not home tonight.

i suppose regardless of if we talk about it directly or not, i have done a good job openning myself up to him and communicating with him. it's the best i can do.

i'm not sure what i am looking for in this post anymore.

2 clarifications...

1. he is not home tonight not because he is out with friends or anything. he and DS have gone to lake house so that he can work on some projects there that very much need attention.

2. this post was not meant to be a vent in any way. i am not angry with DH. i truely believe he is a very good person (not perfect but that is ok). i believe he is doing the best he can.

i am frustrated to know there is a better way (namely all this MB stuff) that i can't manage to incorporate effectively into our lives.

so why don't i do the ENQ? because i fear that anything i write that is not 100% positive will only cause more trouble. he will take it as a critism. and he will not tolorate being critized. for that same reason i hesitate doing anything else.


Squid said almost the same words. She also first tried the ENQ making it seem as though I ws the best EN-provider on earth !

She's getting it now though, and offers constructive criticism.

Trouble is the BS must accept they're not perfect and that marrige may require personal change and investment, despite the hurt of the affair.

The BS must understand that ENs are is about the MARRIAGE not the affair. It is not an admission of culpability in the affair, as most FWS would agree anyway.

I suspect your H has studiously avoided studying stuff like MB because he realises he might have to turn the spotlight on his OWN contributions to his marriage. It feels initially like a weakened position for a BS to admit flaws and attempt intelligent change, when it soon manifests it is personally strengthening instead!. Squid ADORES me for my efforts in EN and avoiding LBs. I still have far to go but I certainly do not feel diminished by my learning to be a better husband.

When a BS is on the high moral ground it feels scary to stop off and examine onesself realistically. But its is SUCH a rewarding thing to do. I'd recommend it to your H if I could.

One thing I will say is I can't imagine how I'd respond had I lived your H's experience of infidelity. Maybe investment inpersonal development is more possible in my situation than his ? I dunno.

All blessings anyway Fl.

My WW does not buy into MB either. I cannot incorporate it into our lives but I do try to incorporate it into my life and, I think, for the most part successfully (although cc46 would disagree). I also think if it hadn't been for MB, I would either be divorced by now or extremely sick of Thai food (our MC's solution for everything is to go eat Thai food. But she is free (100% company paid) so I can't complain that much.)

I don't know why you can't play golf with H. I refuse to play without my WW simply because it eats away from the 15.5 hours per week I should be spending with her. If she is playing badly, she may pick up on holes or, sometimes just quick and tend the pin for me. At least we ride together in the cart and can talk or even just be together. I can't see why you can't play golf with him (unless you are just playing him for skins or something). I would avoid the driving range with him. That in and of itself could cause divorce. I have learned to stop trying to give gemela golf tips when she has a weapon in her hand.

Between golf and TV, it just seems like you view everything as an obstacle rather than an opportunity.

Ghost,
Take a sec to read this thread from Emotional Needs. It may inspire you to find some FUN ways to engage Mr. Goblin... and get him to meet your needs while you simultaneously get your needs met.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...=13#Post2993197

It would help if you'd do the ENQ first, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Good luck.

--SC

Fl

Play best ball for you on the harder courses. You hit yours he hits his. If you hit a bad shot pick it up go to his and hit. Then tell him how you wish you were as good as him. You spend time together. You have fun and you give him a real good ego stroke. Problem solved.

When I used to golf thats what I did with my friends that were not very good.

As far as the ENQ would you rather not know his and he not know yours and go through this M blindly.

There may be hurt feelings in the beggining but when he sees you attending to his most important needs then it will be worth the hurt feelings.

Really whats the worse that can happen? He gets mad at you then you look at his EN's and fill one that is really important to him. He might then say wow am I glad I did that because that is exactly what I want when I get mad.

well, i kinda abanodoned the other thread about tv but i'm guessing the same people are reading this too...

SC, thanks for the link, it was a very good read indeed.

as far as the tv goes, i will take more of a lead on it then. once a week i will specifically ask for the tv to be turned off and have a suggestion for an alternative activity instead.

as far as golf goes, you all are missing the point. DH does NOT want me to golf with him that often with him. besides it is unrealistic, he plays once or twice a week. one of those is usually a break of dawn thing with a friend. most of the outings is with some other person too. so me coming would just not work. i will make sure to set up a few outings of our own at the smaller course. i do believe he did enjoy us golfing togther. we have gone to the driving range together in the past, that is usually just fine. i like his tips, he does not give too many. i've never felt the urge to hit him!

but all of the above is really just minor points. the main point is the lack of "right" effort that is occuring.

so i have talked to my DH today about the ENQ. It will be in his hands tonight.

we also talked about how i have been feeling the last few days including what happened on sat and what i was trying to accomplish in the note i wrote him. i told him i felt i was working in a vacumn. i think it was a good talk but it's so hard to tell. he seemed to understand some of my points.

i also discovered that something, that occured about a week ago, upset him as it brought back a memory of something i said to him years ago (while i was having the A) that really hurt him back then. i told him i wish he would let me know when that happens so we can talk it out. keeping it to himself robs me of the opportunity to make ammends.

p.s. DD and I had a fabulous time yesterday!!!

hi SC, but now i just got off the phone with him and he is back peddling!! he thinks he will be too tired today to talk at all.

Ghost,

Don't give up. I think it's important to be in the "right" frame of mind when you do certian things.

You know... like when you watch a movie that's supposed to be funny. Depending on your mood... you may find a certain movie rip-roaring hilarious... or just mildly amusing... or even totally stupid.

If you try to fill out the Q when you're tired or out-of-sorts... it probably won't be as beneficial as if you do it when you're well rested and calm. KWIM?

((((Ghost))))

thanks, see Operation ENQ for details <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

what in the word are you doing up at 2:43 am????