I have a lot of background so bear with me, my life has been ****** for about 2 months now. I went to help out with the hurricane relief effort in New Orleans in October of last year and returned in February. My wife stayed behind and was on her own for the first time in her life. We talked everyday while I was gone, but resentment for being abanoned apparently occurred. We have been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years and we getting ready for fertility treatments when I returned. While I was gone she spent a lot of time at work because she was lonely and when I returned she was going to cut back. I knew this would not occur right away and never said anything, but it was a problem in the past and she believed I would start to complain about the hours.

W didn't adapt to me being home and was spending a lot of time at work. About two months after I returned, she called me a 9 pm and said she was bleeding from a urinary tract infection and asked if she should go to the hospital. I said yes and I would meet her there. In the course of the evening we found out she was pregnant, but the infection could abort the pregnancy. We confirm the pregnancy and things didn't look good and I wasn't there for her and just pretended like everything would be ok and it was no big deal. On a Monday, W tells me things aren't going well in the marriage (we are coming up on 7 years and have been together 10) and that she doesn't know if she loves me. That Tuesday, she goes for a sonagram and the baby looks ok now. The Wednsday, she says it looks like a 50% chance of divorce. I am overwhelmed and we agree to go counseling. We have been in MC for over 8 weeks and the first four where getting me back to some form of normal behavior. During which time, I find evidence that looks like an EA with a guy from work.

MC has helped me be a better person and happier, but she doesn't want to give me any hope that this will work out. I have stopped making MBs and put alot of deposits in the love bank. We are still in the same house and talk of baby. We are learning to communicate and seeing the way the other wrongly interpreted the each other. But the big thing for me is no affection. I brought this up in therapy and informed the MC that S didn't want to give me hope that things would work out. W says she doesn't want me to hurt again if we get a D. The MC had told her a couple sessions before to hold hands and spend time together on the couch watch a movie. W was asked by MC if she would feel pressured by it and she said yes she would. MC informed W that a relationship is like a fire and if you don't keep putting something into it the small flame left would die out.

We have sent a timeline of next July to know if things can be worked out. Is that realistic? I miss my W terribly and don't feel like my EN have been met since October. I still love my W, but it gets harder everyday without some positive feedback. Having a child is important to me and want to be there for them, but realize that the marriage has to be good too.

I believe the EA is winding is way down by her actions. The MC and I have confronted her with the EA and she denied it was anything more than a guy friend. W has brought up that when W got a friend that I didn't approve. I replied had no problem with a guy friend but not meeting alone (he is married too and doesn't want it to become a problem with his S). She doesn't stay at work late anymore and honestly didn't realize that the friendship was hurting our marriage.

Plain truth is W found out she can live without me and got use to not answering to anyone but herself. The pregnancy has made her self-centered and I have to prove to be a good person for her and her baby to get a chance at having a family. I'm going to be there throughout the pregnancy and until she can get back to work, period. How do you cope without being loved in return? What signs are good or bad for a one sided recovery? How long is long for a situation like mine? Did W create situation because of pregnancy?

I have just one question: are you sure that the baby is yours? Her hesitancy over the M could be as a result of a PA that could have resulted in the pregnancy.

huh?



I KNOW I can live without my husband ... but that does not mean I want to

MOST pregnant women do NOT wish to be alone during their pregnancy ... they become fully aware they will need a man to haul things around and tie their shoes pretty darn quick in the future....

something's definitely fishy

><(((*<

I agree... suspect a PA...

time to snoop

Pep

I believe the baby is mine, we were definitely active after I returned from New Orleans and the dates match. I confronted her about her inappropiate phonecalls and chance meetings with OM and even got caught spying on her at work on a Saturday when only they were there alone. I don't spy any longer my attitude is if she is going to have an A with OM how would I stop it, that is her choice. She doesn't work late any longer or on Saturdays anymore. Yes, I'm pretty sure she has lunch with him and her other friends from work. I am switching jobs the end of this month and will be five minutes from her, but the MC and I agree that or contact will be controled by her. Its not great, but she feels that I would be keeping a hold on her if we care pooled and ate lunch together. She hasn't had friends here (five years) until now and they just happen to be guys because that is all that is really there.

She is only 16 weeks and can still take care of herself, but that is going to change pretty quickly. She doesn't want me out or gone. The arrangement works out well for her but gives me time.

She could have also been active with him at the same time.

She could have been having a PA but still don't think so. This other guy has too much to loose, he has a 10 month old son and a 2 year old daughter and a very nice home. I asked one of W coworkers if he noticed anything and he said no. Truly believe W didn't realize she was having EA or the start of one. When I came back from NO she wasn't distant. It has come out in MC that she resented being abandoned and believed I would have chosen my work over her and stayed in NO.

makes no sense

sorry

HIGHLY IMPROBABLE that a pregnant mama-to-be wants to kick out the baby's Papa ... for no COMPELLING reason

what is her COMPELLING reason she wants you out?

Pep

My FWW's EA/PA went on for 2 YEARS without me detecting it. She used our home for the A too (when I was out of the country). We have two children and a very nice home, so my FWW did have a lot to lose. And no-one seemed to have noticed that anything was going on either.

In other words, all that you've said above does not suggest that an A was NOT going on.

Your W wanted to split from you at this stage in her pregnancy? Now THAT raises some questions IMO...

Need to snoop. WS's don't tend to think about what they have to lose.

Hi Trevor- I'm pretty new to this, too. I discovered my H in and EA when I was 8 mos pregnant. Let me just tell you this- a baby will either make you or break you. Either way, I think you should get yourselves straightened out before the little peanut arrives. I'm finally realizing now that after our 1st baby, we completely gave up on our marriage. We lived together, but that was about it. We shared this overpowering love for our child, but let everything else go. I focused on my kids, he focused on other women (internet and 1 EA at work that I know about). We are finally realizing NOW how to put the effort forth for eachother. H is willing to do whatever it takes now, but I am so hurt by his actions that I don't know if I can get past it. We both justified neglecting our marriage in different ways. Now we're at a point where there's no going back to the pre-EA cold war between us. We either work it out or we don't. And it's really hard when your chasing little rugrats around. Do whatever you need to to get things worked out now. Give her as much attention as your capable of during her pregnancy. (this was another bone of contention b/w my H and I) He figured I was a strong, healthy woman, and could handle Dr's appts, etc alone. But pregnant women have emotional needs more than physical. As we get fatter and more hormonal, we need more love and pampering. I'm sure that you'll get back what you put in. I hope that you can work this out. Don't ever use the phrase "for the sake of the baby" You will regret it. You want your child to understand true love and commitment and trust whether it's b/w her parents or not. Hang in there, trevor. There are meny of us in the same boat.

We are learning alot in counseling about how to communicate and what has changed with each other over time. I am taking care of her and have to work on allowing her to do things around the house and not smother her. We are coming up on a family trip with my family. It will be a big test for me because they can be overwhelming and down right bad. I have promised to not leave her to the wolves and hopefully everything will go well.

There is no direct way for me to disengage her from her EA or PA if she is in it. She has been confronted about it by me and in counseling. I'm hanging in there, but I hope I don't run out of steam (a baby is a pretty good motivation).

We can all sit here and speculate all day/week/month/year long and NEVER come to realize the full truth about your life. Your wife may take it to her grave that she had a physical affair with OM. Their relationship may, in fact, be winding down and the baby, may in fact, be yours. She will likely justify lieing to PROTECT OM and his family from disclosure no matter the consequences to HER family. Assuming you recover, if she tells you 10 years from now you'll have deep resentment that she withheld the truth and lied.

Without the truth being revealled, marital recovery, though possible in the short run, will never be completely realized. The truth, even if it's that she didn't sleep with OM, will forever remain a question and a wedge to regaining intimacy.

The answer is snoop. Get a voice activated digital recorder and hide it very carefully in her car. Assuming she has a cell phone you'll likely overhear a conversation or two with OM and/or a girlfriend or two of hers in the know. Keylog her computer. Wire up your home. If you take it upon yourself to get the truth (which YOU and YOUR UNBORN BABY) deserve you MAY be able to save your marriage and fully recover your marriage. You see...you snoop for the benefit of you, your baby and YOUR WIFE (yes, she needs you to do it too).

Someday she will thank you for snooping. Mrs. Wondering is grateful that I snooped on her cause without snooping she might have wandered further down than infidelity road...beyond saving. As the only SANE and RATIONAL member of your marriage remaining you must have the ACTUAL information necessary to save it. Without snooping you will be forced to rely on her word...i.e.-you'll never know for sure if it's the truth. Snoop the truth...it will set you free to make YOUR decisions about YOUR life AND give that precious baby the best shot at having a full time mom and dad.

Go to the Just Found Out Board and read Longhorn's thread titled, "For Newly Betrayed Spouses". Link to the Spying 101 thread for additional snooping methods.

DO IT NOW --- GET IT DONE.

Mr. Wondering

I've done my snooping and nothing has come up positive for an affair. Everything is legit so far. W didn't like her privacy violated but who would. MC says W is on the fence on commiting to recovery. We are doing things together and going on a family vacation this coming weekend, W was given the option of bailing but didn't. Every week seems to get better but still no affection in relationship.

So!!! My WH, at the time, had 3 kids and a very nice home and he lost all of it because he was having an affair and got his mistress pregnant...

I am not saying she IS or ISN"T having an A...just pointing out that it doesn't matter what they have, they are wiling to give it all up!!! Dont make excuses of why she couldn't be having an A or why you dont think she is....

dont make excuses of IF she is having an A you coulnd't stop itanyway...

You need to do some more snooping and find out exactly what is going on....not normal behavior for a pg woman at all...

i smell a fish

Trevor,

I agree with Momto3...

I never thought my FWW would. Things were going the same as they always had been. When I suspected, I spoke to her twin sister, who shared everything with her... she said 'No way'. I spoke to her Mom, who was living with us and had A's of her own in her past to know... she said "she couldn't see it".

I spoke to OM's best friend, he said OM would never hurt his W.

We went to Los Angeles and Disneyland in the middle of it as a family...

We were attending church. My W and OM and OMW were singing in a worship band while I sat behind them at the piano and OM's daughter was behind them on the keyboard.

It is possible.

But if it is a reality, it is also possible to get past it. The better prepared and educated you are on an A, the better you are able to handle it if it is real. I pray that we are wrong in this guess.

Shaden

To all those that smelled fish, I did too. I solve problems for a living and my addition is pretty good and this one didn't add up. I found written evidence tonight, "I'm dying to talk to you. Do you have to pick the Boys up today." in her purse. We have a counseling session on Tueday and a family vacation on Friday. I'm supposed to go fishing tomorrow but I don't think it will be for fish. I told W I wouldn't be home til late afternoon so she may try to meet OM.

I think the best thing is to call MC on Monday and not get caught snooping tommorrow. Things seemed to be going so well but apparently W is still into OM. Still think baby is mine but there may be no way to find out. Hoping this is an EA. Thinking about confronting OM because on a previous incident where he has asked for a confrontation instead of calling his W. I don't know what his part is in this but I'm going to find out. Do I need more evidence, I've already made the affair allegation to W two months ago?

Help me out here...

You and your wife have been trying to have children, but were unsuccessful?

You left town. In your words, she found out she could live without you.

Right about this time she winds up pregnant.

In the early stages of her pregnancy, she decides that she doesn't know if she loves you and wants to stay with you.

During all of this, she develops some sort of relationship with another dude. She maintains it. She hides parts or all of this relationship. The relationship is so awkward you feel the need to check up on it and she feels the need to hide it.

This is just what I have gathered from your posts. If I am incorrect, please correct me.

I feel for you bro. You are in such a difficult situation. It is hard to imagine. I wish you the best of luck. No one deserves to be put in your situation.

You state that he has too much to lose. What does his wife think about him spending time with your wife? Is she cool with it? Does your wife hang out with him and his wife? Do the 4 of you hang out together? Is there a scenario where a friendship between anyone, no matter the sex, should exist, develop and grow and not include a spouse?

I have no idea of knowing if the child is yours or not. I do know that it is in your wife's best interest for you to believe it is yours. Think about it! As long as you believe it is yours, she doesn't have to worry about you giving her the boot, her family finding out, people looking down on her, disrupting the other mans family and all the other negative things that would come her way. Even if she does leave you, as long as you believe it is your child she will probably get more child support, since the OM has other children. Just remember, she has the highest motivation for you to believe the kid is yours. Yet, she is willing to tell you that she doesn't love you, hang out with another man and break your heart like no one can believe.

You say the OM has too much to lose. Think about what your wife has to lose if that kid is not yours. Is that too much to lose? I would think so.

I'm with you on the stalking errrrr, I mean, "snooping" thing. No one should have to check up on his or her spouse. A spouse who cares does not need a baby sitter. Plus, what good can come out of it? If you find out she is cheating, then you confirm your beliefs. If you find out she is honest, then you are an untrusting, insecure POS, right?

I wish you the best of luck.

The OM has asked for a "confrontation" with him instead of calling his wife so he can continue to screw your W. That's nice of you to protect his affair for him, trevor. I am sure the OM appreciates that you have protected his affair. Do you know that this affair would have probably died off a long time ago if you had told his wife?

If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to a) get the goods and B) expose the affair to his wife. Affairs thrive under the veil of secrecy and you have AIDED AND ABETTED that by doing what the OM told you to do.

Well, guess what? The OM does not have your best interest at heart. He is trying to destroy your marriage so why in the world would you comply with his wishes? Do you want to HELP HIM destroy your marriage?

Get the goods - the REAL GOODS - and then expose this affair, Trevor! Start with the OMW and then insist that your W end ALL CONTACT FOREVER with this OM. If she will not, then you must start exposing to her family, your family, the workplace, close friends.

Marriage counseling is useless when the WS is lying and still in an affair. I also get the sense that your MC doesn't have the slightest idea how to deal with infidelity and is not PRO-MARRIAGE. Instead she is endorsing divorce if that is wht your W wants. So why not just flush that money down the toilet and save the gas?

Instead, take the money and counsel with the Harleys. They are PRO-MARRIAGE and are experienced in busting up affairs. It will be worth every penny.