I just had a talk with WH last night about the newborn visitation issue. He said it didn't matter whether it was breastmilk or formula that he bottle-fed the baby, but either way, he wanted to bond with the baby.

The way he imagined visitation was that after two weeks, he would be able to take the baby on overnight visits, and if I happened to have breastmilk pumped, then fine. If not, he would formula-feed.

I think two weeks is two early for me to be separated from the baby, so I wasn't hapy with his response.

Two weeks is way too early to be separated for more than an hour or so from the baby. The baby will undoubtedly be waking up every couple of hours all night at that age to nurse. Overnights will be miserable for everyone, and you would probably end up with mastitis.

Forgive me, b/c I'm getting up on my soapbox now. Breastfeeding is something I am very passionate about.

Two weeks is WAAAAY too early. Most experts agree that it is best to wait until age 2 for overnight visits at all.

That's not to say that Dad should be kept away from baby, b/c he does need to bond with him. Young babies need to see both parents frequently. Every day, or every other day, for a couple hours is ideal, as hard as it is on the mom!

That's what XH and I did. DD was 7 months old when XH moved out. He came over every other day for a couple hours at a stretch to spend time with her AT THE HOUSE with me, so I was around in case she needed to nurse. I would go upstairs to the office to putter around so they could have their time alone, but I was here if she needed me. When she was 9 months old, he started taking her to his apartment for a couple hours at a time a few times a week. When she was old, say around 12 months and not nursing as frequently during the day/night, he sees her three times a week. It's 2 hours twice a week during the week, and 5 hours Sunday afternoons. When she's 2, we'll start the every other weekend overnight deal, which I am really dreading.

Talk to your pediatrician about this, and find yourself a La Leche League Leader. How supportive of nursing are your ob-gyn and pediatrician? Some of them say they are but really aren't. Make sure yours is, b/c you're going to need lots of support with this issue. If you know what hospital you're delivering at, go ahead and make contact with the hospital's lactation consultant. Or heck, contact your health department's WIC office.

What someone posted here earlier about nipple confusion is true. A breastfed baby should not have artificial nipples until age 6 weeks... not even a pacifier. This is essential to building up Mom's milk supply and getting both Mom and baby into the routine of nursing.

Even thought DD was close to a year old when XH started taking her out for longer periods of time, I still ended up with plugged ducts and mastitis.

My DD is 17 months old and still nursing. I work in public health. I know what I'm talking about.

And for his information, feeding is not the only way to bond with babies. Changing diapers, bathing, or heck, just holding the baby and talking softly are just as important to bonding. I think Dr. William Sears has a book for dads to give them ideas for bonding with their newborns.

The bottom line is, you know what's best for your baby. Don't let your WH's selfishness get in the way of your baby's (and your) health. Stick to your guns!!

I had a 2.5 yo son when his dad moved out. It was our (x & me) that this son was not old enough to spend do the every other weekend usual thing - that that was too long to go between extended time w/ his dad and too long to be away from me. (Shortly before his dad moved out, I went away to see a friend for a weekend - it took son [who has always been a bit emotionally immature but is now catching up] over 2 weeks to recover.) We opted for a one night each weekend routine. Though son is now 13, we still sort of follow it but are flexible. Sometimes the children have whole weekends w/ me, sometimes w/ their dad - he and I have always realized that we needed to cooperate.

The every-other weekend deal is not mandatory - cooperation is. Our attorneys were surprised that, though we had great animosity on many things, we concocted our schedule and made it work. The judge looked at us like we were crazy and asked if we were sure - we said we devised this plan and had made it work for a few years. Every other weekend is our back up if we can't cooperate. But it has NEVER been an issue.

SadMommy05 I totally agree with you. I joined a LaLeche League group when I had my first child so I definitely know the benefits of breastfeeding.

I just wish my WH was more openminded about nursing, but I feel his family has been feeding him nonsense. His mom didn't nurse him, so he thinks that formula is fine.

Unfortunately, I can inundate WH with all kinds of facts and testimonies from doctors about the benefits of breastfeeding but he'll ignore them. I can't reason with him.

I've been doing some reading about narcissists, and I believe WH has narcissistic tendencies. Narcissists tend to live in their own realities, so even though I may be in the right, I can argue all I want about the merits of breastfeeding and he will not be swayed.

Here's the website I read after most interactions with X, on narcissistic personality disorder. It calms me down.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

Wow Newly, thanks for the link. That website described my husband so accurately -- especially the description about being self-contradictory.

I remember many conversations and arguments where my H would say one thing and then totally contradict himself two seconds later. When I called him on it, he would deny ever saying the first thing or just say I don't remember saying that. I would always think I was going crazy and wished I had a tape recorder.

Narcissists lack empathy, and my WH does too. He just doesn't seem to understand how hurt I feel. I am the opposite of him. I am too sensitive and wear my emotions on my sleeve. I can't even watch war/violent movies because even though I know the blood and gore are fake, I empathize too much, and it just hurts.

Sometimes I wish I was like him and able to let things roll off of me; instead, I care so much that it hurts when I know others are hurting.