HI, Lizzie! I'm so glad that LA got to your thread. She's wonderful!

I'm so amazed at how strong people can be when rough times hit! It's wonderful to see that strenght in so many here on MBer, makes me proud to be part of the lot!

You have a wonderful day and try not to make it a habit, please of TJing. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Take care!

WAT - I had no idea. I am truly, truly sorry for your loss. I can imagine nothing worse.

The catalyst idea makes sense as does the double whammy you spoke of and the double betrayal that LA referred to.

That is how I felt - like I had been kicked when I was down. I see where the resentment piece comes in...and also how to let it go. I certainly felt resentment towards my WH, felt entitled to "get him back", and chose to react based on a lack of respect for me, for him, and for OM.

I think maybe I might have a handle on the WS mindset, LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Rin, thanks for checking in on me. Hope things are going well for you - haven't read your thread in a couple of days - but I'll get there. I always find something there that hits home with me.

I have also been rethinking this whole concept of being "strong". Another villager of mine. I think it is there to protect me - a front I show to the world that says - you can't hurt me - giving over my own power. I choose wheteher or not to let something hurt me. People always say it in such a positive light - "That Liz -she's so strong, she'll make it." I see a negative side to it too though. It creates a barrier in me - keeps some things out and prevents others from getting in. Not always good.

Liz,
It's good to see you looking inside, and understanding.

LA, and WAT must have been hitting the gym a lot this last year. It looks like they have been doing the heavy lifting on this thread lately. You have a lot of good help.

It does hurt, it does affect us, but you do have the power to heal, and be whole again. When we let people close, we increase the power they have over our feelings. How they treat us does (and should) affect us. Affect doesn't mean control though...... you have the power to be OK even with the hurts you have felt, and do feel.

I'm not to worried about you keeping others out right now. Unless it's your children, or others that NEED to be close. If you sense they feel left out, take 5 or ten minutes to tell them your feelings. How difficult this has been, how you are learning to cope, and how you still love them. Close the time with positive affermation - you know the future can be bright, no matter what happens.
You do know that most days, don't you?
(grin)

I believe if you do your best, it will all work out. Not always like we think is best, but WAT can tell you that it does work even when it goes other directions from what we think it should go.

You need to have faith it will be this way - and I think you do. You also need to have faith in your self.

We do.

SS

I had my appointment with Steve Harley and I now have a plan. Something to DO. For those of you who have followed my thread, you know how happy I am when I have something to DO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

He said no to Plan A. As has already been pointed out here - WH knows who I am and what I have to offer.

He also said going into Plan B - in effect sending him away with the belief that we can't recover our marriage (WH's words "too much damage done") - is not a good idea either.

He says this is an "engaged limbo".

Steve wants me to contact WH and ask him to call and talk with him (Steve).

I told him that WH is very opposed to counseling - doesn't see the benefit. Steve told me to plead, ask it as a favor, whatever it takes. He gave me some things to say.

So here is the e-mail I am planning to send.

"Dear Scott,

I hear in your last e-mail that you are still struggling with a decision; trying to sort things out.

As you know, I have been doing the same. I have recently been talking with a counselor by the name of Steve Harley. His father is the one who wrote the book that I gave you.
He has a lot of ideas that we haven't considered that I think are worth looking into.

I am asking you for a favor. Would you please call him and hear what he has to say?

I am not asking you to go to counseling.

I am not asking you for any kind of commitment.

I am not going to misinterpret this and get my hopes up.

This is for information only; maybe we can get a better understanding of what it would take to resolve this situation.

I don't see how we can say something is impossible without even knowing what it would take for it to be possible.

One phone call is all I am asking for. Just listen to what he has to say. Please let me know if you will do this for me and I will set it up.

Love, Liz"

Feedback?

You are so logical for a chick.

That's supposed to be a compliment. If it doesn't sound like one, I can re word it and make it sound better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I like it. I can't figure out how come he hasn't responded before now. I could speculate....... but I won't.

You are
Small
Medium
Large?

No ........lets see

You are
Good
Better
Best?

How about

Poor
OK
Fantastic?

Any of these fit?

SS

Edited to add -
I got to thinking........................
I know, I know.

If he's like me, he may want to know how hard it will be to talk to Steve.
It may be helpful to put something at the end like this:
"If you are willing, I'll take care of the details of setting up the call"

You know him best though.

Liz - I'm not surprised at Steve's advice. Makes sense.

I think your message to your H about this is appropriate. Perhaps add one item - you'll pay for it.

WAT

Hey sweetie! Good to see you have something to do...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I know the feeling...I always NEED something to do...I like being busy...

I think your email is terrific! I wish you the best of luck...and I throw in a prayer for you too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Unexpected turn of events.

Before I got a chance to send the above e-mail, I got an e-mail from my WH. He is going to his stepmother's house for the weekend and has invited me to go along - "so we can spend some time together and talk, away from here." He says maybe it will help him make his final decision.

So, I have chosen to go. I'll ask him about Steve then.

Whaddya think?

Sounds good...it may be a great opportunity to listen and get some good information...

I wish you the best, lizzie...he's trying...

((((lizzie))))

Sounds good.

Any fishing holes or breweries nearby to visit?

WAT

"it may be a great opportunity to listen and get some good information..."

Hey Rin,

That is how I am looking at it. At first I was very excited and I started to have all of these expectations....but I stopped myself.

And then I went in the opposite direction...remembering how my husband went all out to make sure that we had a really nice Christmas before he dropped the bomb of his A on 12-28...and I thought, hmmmm is that what he's doing here?

And then I got to the place that I am at now...no expectations, thankful for the opportunity to listen and gather information. I am feeling strangely calm and at peace, a little more secure within myself, a little more certain of what my boundaries are thanks to all of you who have been helping me on this journey.

Any fishing holes or breweries nearby to visit?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Not that I know of...but there is a tavern that serves deep fried pickles. They're not too bad actually. At least I don't think they're too bad.... but I think I may have had several beers the night I tried them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />!

Hold tight to that feeling of calm and peace...keep that in mind when you feel yourself expecting again...

I'm sure that you are going to do a wonderful job...you have overcome a great deal and I see your strenght...

Keep up the great work and hold your head high, you've done a lot of hard work!

Have you patted yourself on the back lately? LOL

WH will be here to pick me up in 15 minutes. I am still strangely calm.

I have been reading over some of the posts that have helped me the most. I feel grounded and centered.

Will update on Sunday.

SS - hope you remember me in your prayers tonight.

Try to relax and be yourself - no one else can do it as well!

......and send me a pickle.

WAT

WAT, you make me laugh.

You induce me to laugh?

Anyway, I did laugh.

Lizzy, you are already gone, but the prayers will be there.
God be with you.

SS

I compel you to laugh?

I influence you such that you laugh as a result?

We could get anal about this..........

Just got back.

Spent some enjoyable time together at WH's stepmother's house.

Found out when we got there that there was only 1 spare bedroom with a full sized bed. We slept in the same bed but that was it.

No R talk until Sat. nite. WH told me that he didn' want to come back home, but really didn't have the money for a divorce and didn't really want to say that was what he wanted. I couldn't get him to commit either way. So WAT, you were right.

Discussion was interrupted by family members coming over, so we picked it back up today on the way home.

WH is definitely wayward with this "rebound affair" as Steve Harley calls it. I heard him say repeatedly that he is scared of failing, then he would say he knew it was a foolish decision to not try, then he would say that in his heart he is no longer my husband, then he would say that he still loves me. We are back to the wanting a child phase again. Maybe because that is the only thing that cannot be changed?

Every time I kept listening and repeating (which I did awesome at!), he would have diffculty clarifying. He says that because we are seperated, this is not an affair. Fog, fog, fog. And also that there was no way that he could have stopped the first affair and didn't want to stop this one now.

Definitely his truth at this time.

He did agree to listen to Steve Harley, but only for a half hour and only to listen. So, I'll set that up.

I did snoop in his phone and found 2 phone numbers for women. I believe 1 is his newest "soulmate".

Oh, and Saturday night....SF. So, he is not so faithful to his new love either. Steve wasn't sure if another round of exposure would be the thing to do in this situation, so I'll run it by him. I think it will probably be the phone call and then Plan B.

By the way WAT, I chose to laugh at the pickle joke because it was hilarious!!

Not feeling quite so detached this morning. Didn't sleep well last night.

Thought about calling this new OW. Even though WH says he has finally told her "everything"...I doubt it.

But I think at this point I am just trying to control the situation....and I can't.

Besides that, he would never agree to listen to Steve Harley if I did that.

I have been worrying, projecting, obsessing, and imagining all night long. I know LA - my choice to do so. Trying to figure out why he wanted to spend a whole weekend together if it was only to let me know that he doesn't want to come home.

He also asked if he could keep the suitcase that he borrowed for a while. His cousin is having a big party at his house on Labor Day weekend and he is planning on going. I wonder if WH is going to bring his affair partner to meet his family since he believes that his relationship with her is OK since we are not living together and he has decided he doesn't want to come home. It hurts just to think about that.

So I guess my task today is to get myself back on track and back to a good place.

I can feel your anxiety, Liz.

He may have had "good" intentions for the weekend. But he's so conflicted he can't be relied upon. The Jekyll and Hyde role is quite popular among conflicted people.

Maybe you should be thankful he zig zagged earlier rather than later and you didn't come out of the weekend with an imposter wearing rose colored glasses.

Stay strong and believe there is a bright future waiting for you.

WAT