Sorry you have to wait. Know you hate waiting when you could be doing.

You sound at peace now. Not as though you like it, but as though you can accept it - whichever way it goes.

May the peace of God guide your heart...... and your actions. If so, you'll have a happy life.

Praying for him too. He needs it....... maybe more than you.

SS

Lizzie...what's going on? Are you okay?

I miss you!

Thanks for asking Rin.

I have been staying pretty busy - boys, classes, stuff around the house. I had an appt. with Steve Harley on Weds. that I am still mulling around in my head.

WH did take the whole hour last Friday and was actually quite participatory according to Steve. Steve explained MB concepts and the idea of marriage partners working as a team. He told WH to check out the site (not this forum) and become familiar with the basic concepts. He was under the impression that WH was going to call me after the appointment to let me know how it had gone.

I have not heard from WH. Steve told me I should make contact and ask him about the appt. and ask him what's next. I told Steve that I am reluctant to do that. I am truly afraid of allowing myself to be pulled back in.

Since making my decision, I have felt some measure of peace.

I don't want to go back into all of the turmoil and the uncertainty.

It may be that WH will still be fence sitting - Steve did not lead me to believe that there had been any great epiphany....and even if there had been....I still think I'm done.

Steve tells me I have to resolve this one way or the other and making contact is the only way. He says that I'll know if what I hear is what I need to hear. If not - then I can proceed.

I have been a little reluctant to post here. Afraid that WH might stumble on to this forum and find my posts. Although anything I've said here I would and have said to him.

So, I'm still mulling. I still believe this will all work out the way it's supposed to.

Well, hello, it's good to hear from you...you sound strong and safe...a little fear of the unknown but you will handle that in your own time...

Lizzie, I have faith that you will chose the path that's right for you and your boys...you will find the answer, but that does mean taking that leap of faith and making that call!

You are wonderful and your plate sounds full...take the time you need...take care...I lok forward to hearing from you!

I still haven't been able to bring myself to call or email WH as Steve Harley suggested.

Part of me is afraid.

I feel like I am done, feel secure in my decision, but I am afraid that I could allow myself ro get caught up in the dance again.

If WH is true to form, he will be contacting me soon for his Lizzie fix anyway. I am trying to prepare myself for how I will handle that.

Do you think I have just constructed a hard shell around my heart?

I keep asking myself why I am afraid to contact WH if I am truly done?

I have a history of staying in relationships longer than I should - as if there is some kind of failure there that I feel I have to own.

Despite this uncertainty, I am doing OK. Some days a little sad, sometimes a little angry....but mostly OK.

I bought a bike over the weekend...I hope what they say about riding a bike is true. It's been a long time since i rode one.

Do you think I have just constructed a hard shell around my heart?

I think you have constructed a PROTECTIVE shell around your heart. These other statements apply.

I still haven't been able to bring myself to call or email WH as Steve Harley suggested.

Part of me is afraid.

Who in their right mind would want to go through this all over again? Your fears are not unfounded. You are right to seek to protect your self.

I feel like I am done, feel secure in my decision, but I am afraid that I could allow myself ro get caught up in the dance again.

Yet here you are speaking to Steve, and trying to get WH tio speak to him also. I still think it's good that you try, and natural that you fear the result. No matter what the result, it will be difficult.

If WH is true to form, he will be contacting me soon for his Lizzie fix anyway. I am trying to prepare myself for how I will handle that.

If you can recognize BS when you hear it, call him on it. You can do it politely, but still let him know you won't take any bull.

Do you think I have just constructed a hard shell around my heart?

Do you think you can take it if he says he wants to try? Will you believe him with faith sufficient to produce the correct results?

I keep asking myself why I am afraid to contact WH if I am truly done?

Good question, and the answer is???

I have a history of staying in relationships longer than I should - as if there is some kind of failure there that I feel I have to own.

It's hard to know how to respond to that one. I don't remember reading about it.

I do think it's counter productive to second guess one's self. Logic will get you further than anything else right now. Work your plan, but think about it as you go along. If you think you have your answers, review in a few weeks. See if the data still fits the conclusion. If it does, proceed. If it doesn't, adapt your plan to the new data.

Part of the data must be how you are feeling about what is happening. Your feelings are important.


Despite this uncertainty, I am doing OK. Some days a little sad, sometimes a little angry....but mostly OK.

Have lots of faith in yourself. Believe you will get this right. The rest of us do.


I bought a bike over the weekend...I hope what they say about riding a bike is true. It's been a long time since i rode one.

The balance is still there, but the muscle conditioning might not be. You made me laugh.

Wishing you well.

SS

It's been one of those days where all of my plans have gone to he11 in a handbasket. Not really anything major, but one thing impacted another and it resulted in changing a whole bunch of things.

But, I kept my frustration level down and just went with the flow.

Then, as my 12 year old is getting ready for bed he says to me "Oh Mom, guess who is working at the cafeteria now?"

Yep, OW. How nice - she'll be serving my son his lunch every day. Daily, he will look at the woman who bears half of the responsibilty for him losing his stepfather.

I asked him how he felt about it, and he said that he wanted to say something to her. I told him he had that right, but to think about what he might want to say, and talk to me about it.

Hope that was the right thing. Feels like it. His chance to say a very open and honest statement about his feelings. I would never allow him to name call or be disrespectful - not because she doesn't deserve it but because it would not do him any good.

And then......

As expecred......

Received this email from WH tonight:

"Hi,
Have you spoken to Steve Harley since I did? I don't know if you know yet or not, but we talked for the whole hour. I hope that is ok since you were only expecting to pay for a half hour. One thing he asked me was what I thought about you hanging on for so long. I told him that on one hand I thought you were crazy, that it had been nine months since I moved out. But, I also said that on the other hand I was grateful, in case I ever woke up. I can't say 100% where my mind is or where I want to be, or even who I am these days, but I think I'd like to see you. Is that still possible? I haven't really thought about when or where so if you have any suggestions I'll listen. It just can't involve a lot of money because I don't have any. If you say yes I want to ask that we do not talk about what has happened. I just want to spend time with you having fun. Please write back."

He is still trying to keep me as his safe spot. I am not willing to do that.

So, should I respond?

If so, how?

I am thinking it might be best to just ignore this completely.

awaiting all of you wise souls.....speaking of which...
where the heck is WAT these days?

Liz...

I would write him back...he asked something from you...he was honest, in his truth...

be honest...say that you refuse to be strung along...would you like to do have some fun with him? Tell him that he needs to make a decision, a commitment...you my dear have nothing to lose...speak up...say your peace...speak your TRUTH...

SOunds to me like he's asking you on a date and plan Aing you...fun..no R talk...maybe make a new memory...

set some boundaries if you chose to go...if you're open to seeing where things will go from dating...then do that...if not...screw him...this is about YOU...NOT HIM...

He's had his "HIM," just be you, state what you want, feel, need...Do you have anything for him at all? If so, any doubts, go...if not, don't.

Just speak your peace one way or the other! Tell him your fears...what do you have to lose...email him with them

"He is still trying to keep me as his safe spot."

Sounds like a DJ...

I read his email again...there's a lot of truth, his, in it.

I don't know Rin...his "truth"? I think he's too fogged out. More of the same bullcrap. OW may have dumped him, maybe not.

He is still looking to hold on, but doesn't want to commit at all. It's there in his letter again...in black and white.

Thanks for responding, though.

Anyone else?

Just wanted to wish you the best outcome for YOU and your boys! You deserve to be happy!

(((((lizzie)))))

What is WAT? I haven't seen him around!

((((Rin))))

Thanks for being here.

I guess I can't avoid this. As Steve said, there will have to be contact in order for there to be resolution.

Possible responses:

1. Ask for clarification -
"WH,
What exacrly are you asking me?"

2. Listen and repeat -
"WH, I hear you asking me to spend some time with you without mentioning your affair. Is that right?"

OR

"WH, I hear you asking to spend time with me but you'd like me to pretend that your affair has not happenend and you'd like it if I don't tell you how much I have been hurt by it. Is that right?"

3. Respond honestly -
"WH,
It hurts me to see you. I hear that you are struggling with your feelings, however, I am very clear about mine. I cannnot see you as a "friend", I am not willing to date you, not can I put my heart out there for you to stomp on while you try to figure things out."

Where IS everyone???

...I need your clarity.

Can you point me in the right direction?

working on a reply....

SS

So loyal and dependable. Thank you!

I like one combined with three!

Liz,
If your mind is made up, then this wouldn't be so hard, would it?

I think you still have some hope he will return with all his heart - but his response is not even close to what you need.

Honesty without DJ's is always a good thing.

"Dear WH,
Thanks for the mail, I needed to know where we are.

I have been on the verge of calling it quits for a few months. I didn't want to throw away what we had, but neither did I want to hang on to something that was dead.

My feeling is that if you came back with all your heart.
If you had remorse, and were willing to do anything it took to make it right.
If you were willing to go, and be happy about getting counseling, then perpaps it would work for me.

I think it would hurt me too much to spend time with you and leave this unresolved.

I want someone who wants me that much, and if you don't, then what have I really got?

Yes, I have waited a long time. I wanted it to work out, and for us to be together.

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I want someone to grow old with, to spend time with....... but someone who puts me first.

I can be just friends with almost anyone. If I am going to be married to someone it has to be a lot more than that. "

<then put what you want to do - try, or let go.>

As you already know, I only give this for example. I realize you have already written him before. I know you have said similar things. You may also know many men are dense, and need to hear things more than once. (grin)

Don't be afraid - he has been gone for quite a while. For sure you don't want him back unless he will go all out to make a wonderful new life with you.

You have already tried wishy/washy with him, and the results were not good (understatement.) I doubt you want to go that route again.

The bottom line is that without commitment you have the promise of more of what you have been going through - with no promise of a good result. If you can do that, and if it's worth it to you to find out, then tell him yes, I'll try it. IF not, perhaps writing something like the above and telling him you are not willing to operate on his terms will be best.

Praying you'll have clarity, and know what is best.

SS

ANd the crowd roARS!

Thanks SS. That gives me a lot to think about. I will post when I have made a decision on what my reply will be.

You have already tried wishy/washy with him, and the results were not good (understatement.) I doubt you want to go that route again.

Just for the record, I was talking about him being wishy/washy, not you. You put a lot into your effort.
SS

Response letter to WH-

"WH,

Thanks for the e-mail. I did talk to Steve Harley and he suggested that we talk.

I am not sure what it is you are asking of me. It sounds like you asking me to spend some time with you without mentioning your affair. Is that right? I can't do that. It hurts me too much to spend time with you with all of these unresolved issues. I cannot pretend that your affair has not happened.

Yes, I have waited a long time. I wanted it to work out, and for us to be together.
I didn't want to throw away what we had, but neither did I want to hang on to something that was dead. That was why I asked you to talk with Steve Harley. Not to change your mind (you told me it wouldn't) and not to try to force you or convince you to be with me. I told you I didn't want you back under those terms. It was for me. It was so that I would know that I had said and done all that I could so I would never look back and wonder. You did that for me. Thank you. It brings me much peace to know that you had available to you the same information that I did.

I can be just friends with almost anyone. I have many people with whom I can spend time and have fun. If I am going to be married to someone it has to be a lot more than that.

I want to be with someone who chooses me - first and foremost - every single day. I want someone to sleep with at night and wake up next to each morning. Someone to grow old with, someone who will be my very best friend, someone commited to me, someone that I can count on, someone that I can share everything with, and someone who will go all out to make sure that it works.

I waited for you because we used to have that and because I wanted you that much. I have realized that I want someone who wants me that much, and if you don't, then what have I really got?

My birthday present to me....knowing who I am, what I have to offer, and what it is that I want.

You are only offering me more of the same heartache that I have been living with for the past year. That's not what I want.

I want to get on with my life. I'm ready to move on. Given that things are what they are, I think we should divorce. I am willing to agree to an uncontested divorce in order to keep the cost down. I could set up an appointment for a Friday afternoon. Please let me know if this is agreeable.

Praying for you and hoping you find what it is you are looking for.

Elizabeth"