Oh wysi I am so sorry to hear that your H did that to you after the talk and getting the hopes up. I know you have been in such pain for so long (I remember you from another forum), I can feel your pain when I read your posts.

I am sure that there will be plenty of help on here to help you get thru this.

I would at first just tell the kids that there is some adult issues and for now you feel it is best that you two seperate, assure them of your love, I would make the H tell them the reason why.

My heart goes out to you and I am sure that soon you will become a stronger person and go to have a happy life.

Hugs

{{Wysi}} I am so sorry. I am glad though that you know how much you can take. I am afraid I never really knew where to draw the line in the sand. Your kids are old enough IMHO to know the truth. Just that daddy had an inappropriate relationship with another woman and a child was born. Tell them that you and daddy love them both very much and that will never change.

Hello everyone thanks for your support. I know I will need it for a while. H arrived home late last night - drunk & abusive. I told him to get out & he refused. This morning we agreed that it was the end of our M - he accepted he wasn't prepared to make the effort. I wish he had had the guts to admit this 19 months ago when he told me abt the A & the pregnancy.

Anyway we told the girls that we were going to separate (they did already know abt the A & OC - we told them abt that a year ago & at that time that we wanted to stay together.) I guess it wasn't a complete shock to them - they would have been aware of the atmosphere & my sadness. H is going to find somewhere to stay - I have said asap as it is impossible for me to relax with him still in the house.

I am prepared to act civilised in front of the girls & to try & arrange things to make it as easy as possible for them. But inside I am furious with him for everything he has done, for wasting so much of my time & energy pretending he wanted to make it work. I did hope that I had already gone through a lot of the pain & loss but right now I'm not sure.

Glad to hear back from and that you have stood your ground, I hate to see a marriage end but I do think that you did try long enough to try and make it work.

Marriage is a 2 way street and it dosnt seen your H was a willing partner in the marriage. I have been hearing the pain in your voice and I think down the road we are going to finally hear some happiness.

Even tho you have known for a while that it probably wouldnt make it, it still going to hurt cause now it is final. But concentrate on your girls, and pamper yourself, you deserve it. Find things that make you happy and turn back into a stronger person then before this happened.

I am surprised the girls were not shock either, they did feel the tension in the air, no matter how hard you try to hide it they pick it up, probably noticed dad not coming home was another good hint. In some ways this will be better for them cause your H was not teaching them how to let a man treat them. They will see you get stronger and see what it takes to be a strong woman and how to survive.

I would set a certian amount of days for him to leave, dont let him dray this on forever.

Hugs and will be thinking of you

wysi,
Well I think it's for the best right now. You and your c's do not need more tension with all thats been going on for 19 months.

Your h may change his mind while living w/o his family.
It happens sometimes.
Now is the time to become a more independent person. Keep good care of your c's and yourself. It may be hard at first, but things will fall into place.

If your h and you ever do consider reconciliation you will have to have things ready to tell him about what you can or cannot live with.

Right now though take care.

One question. How do your c's feel about how grandma is acting? Just wondering how a MIL can be so cruel to a DIL and her feelings, along with her grandchildren's feelings.

Blessings.

Thunderstorm & Gemini1
thank you for your supportive words. I really feel I am in mourning now - but I know I am grieving for the person he was, the relationship we used to have - not the person he became once he started deceiving me. He actually had the gaul to suggest that me looking through his things (after he had confessed the A but lied abt the extent & seriousness of it ) saying that that "hadn't helped"!

I feel v sad & lonely right now but I wouldn't have him back. I would only have back the person that I love(d) - & he has been buried under this horrible new persona. OK maybe this is the real him - but it didn't seem that way for at leat 15 yrs.

Re yr Q . abt MiL - youngest D saw photo of OC on grannies phone & was v upset. As she said re MiL - "I hate her & love her @ the same time. I am angry w her but can't talk to her abt it." This is also how she feels abt her dad.

MiL & family don't live too near us - & I haven't allowed MiL to stay in my house since she set up relationship with OW & OC - so I don't think it will cause much disruption if they don't see H side of the family in the short term. In the longer term - who knows? This is all such a mess & I am in danger of rambling on.

I have lined up a couple of really good friends who won't mind if I call them up & rant at any time.

Last thought - I stripped the bed today knowing that is the last time I will change the sheets that H & I slept in together. That made me feel v sad.

Awwww.... It'll be okay, I'm sure your friends will help lift you over the hurdles.

I understand the *sheets* thing... I sniffed h's pillow each night he was away even though I hated him/loved him/hated him.

wysi, I hate it that your mil did this to your c's... h-a-t-e.... it is amazing when a relative comes to the rescue of a ws and how it gives them steam to carry on in spite of everyone they steamroll over.It's a double tragedy for your c's if nothing else. Besides your h, shame on her! She's allowing abnormal life happenings to become acceptable, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Rest assured your life will take on many changes both physical and mental in the coming months, but you will be ok.

You have endured hel* for so long you may have forgotten normal, but gradually it will return, and embrace it, welcome it, you deserve it.

I'm pulling for you here and hope your h is gone asap!

Right now, he deserves nothing more from you.

Go ahead and mourn.

Brighter days are coming for you.
Pray for God to show you the path to take and be patient....

((((hugs))))

Right now I feel that I was right to tell H to get out asap on Sunday. He left Monday - looking a little surprised that I didn't say he could stay in spare room until he was sorted. Does he really think I should consider his feelings & concerns after the past 3 yrs (since A started) and past 19mths (since he has been pretending to me that he wanted to make it work)? Well - I know I am feeling boosted tonight since talking to my family & friends who understand that I did everything I could (apart from becoming a complete doormat) to work on our relationship & recover it. What is most sad is that everyone has said that they thought we were made for each other. Which is what I thought - and why I spent so long trying to retrieve the situation.

I know I will come back here when the pain gets too much. But I am going to continue to try to move forward. Maybe one day I can help others the way I am being helped.

BTW - I know a lot of people here take great comfort from their religious beliefs and I think that is a really positive thing. I myself do not have a belief in any god - but I do believe in basic humanistic and moral codes - to me the most important is "treat others as you would like to be treated".

Oh-oh. Roller-coaster again. Felt strong yesterday - today I feel like a worm.He has taken kids out to eat this evening - which is fine. Now he is an hour late bringing them back. They have school in morning. Now - do I ring him? Makes me feel like when he said he would be home & wasn't. Is he now going to use them as pawns? I feel like I am the most stupid person ever to have loved this man. But believe me he wasn't always like this.

wysi I hope the c's are home by now~

In any event, just ask a time when he'll be dropping them off and casually say you want to be sure to be home when he gets there.

If he asks where you're going, tell him shopping, or dropping by a friends or nothing at all, just that you want to make sure you'll be there when he gets back.

It's learned behaviour, your feeling like he didn't come home when he said he would.
It's a terrible way to feel and as you get stronger, it won't matter any longer.

It's ok whatever you believe hon, I am still asking the Lord to help you along. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ok?

Tx Gemini . Girls home now. H acting mature (I do mean "acting"). Will just keep on moving on. Sorry - bad day. I wanted this M I wanted the man I knew for so long. I know I will never trust a man again. And I am not the sort of person that wants to be by myself. This is sad.

Just checking in again as it really does help to know that other people have been through the same pain. I guess I need to move to the divorcing board now! It is clear to me that the person I loved is not there anymore - H behaviour when he has taken girls out & brought them back is astoundingly immature and unfeeling. He asked me if the girls could stay over w him on Saturday - so I asked where he was staying. (Turns out he is house-sitting for a friend who has a few properties). He said - "why - don't you trust me?"!!!!
I still feel v sad about what we did have, and what is lost He obviously has put that out of his mind. That makes me feel that 18 yrs of my life has been obliterated. But I am sure that I do not want the person he is at the moment. And I really do hope that one day he realises what he has done.

I know you are hurting for what has been and what it use to be.....

but since you made your decision, I do see more strength in messages. more hope for happiness.

Keep moving forward hun, I am behind you cheering all the way for you to be happy.