This is a carry over from a post in Infidelity. Quick summary: My wife "confessed" on my b-day that she was falling for another man and that she realized that it was wrong and wanted to improve our marriage. I gave her thanks for being so honest and I asked if it ever got physical. She said no and that she didn't want to and I took her away for a weekend. Her story still had some gaps in it and she wouldn't give me access to her email. I found out her email password and found a letter from her to OM saying how much she liked/enjoyed kissing him and making love to him. I confronted her and she admitted everything.

After consulting with the group here, I thought it would be a good idea to expose the A to the OMW to make sure that the A is done. The OM supposedly had already told his W (or so my W told me). I had to confirm this information since a) I don't trust my W right now; and b) to ensure that the A has ended. I introduced myself to the OMW and asked her if she was aware of the "situation" that was going on at work with her H. She said no, I clarified and said that supposedly he had told her that he had had an A at work and she had him get tested. She said yes, that her H had had an affair 2-3 yrs ago, before they had gotten married. I said I was sorry to give her the bad news, but the affair started in mid-April and got sexual in mid-May. She didn't believe me so I had to show her the credit card bills and cell phone bills. She then asked me how I found out, and gave her all the details.

I must say that it's a nerve wracking experience. On one hand, I felt so bad for "destroying" her life and delivering the bad news. On the other hand, it felt good when she thanked me 1000 times for telling her the truth. She was almost ready to cry, but didn't and said she had to do a lot of thinking.

Apparently, right after I left the OMW called the OM and said that she didn't want to see him ever. After this call the OM called my W to tell her what had happened and "threaten" me. He told my W that he has no idea how I found his W but that apparently I didn't do enough investigating on him. His "friends and/or family" may do something I regret. My W supposedly didn't say much, hung up and called me immediately to tell me (at least she seems to be honest now...)

Should I get a restraining order on this guy to protect my W and me??

Link to original thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;gonew=1#UNREAD

First, you didn't destroy anything except for maybe the possibility of an affair relapse. You did the right thing - never doubt this.

Second - please consider asking your wife to write a "no contact" letter to OM breaking all contact with him for ever. This letter should also express her regret for having an affair with him in the first place. You mail it. Mail a copy to OMW.

Why do you believe what your W said that OM said? IF it's true - good. This ought to demonstrate to your wife what kind of fine fellow this pond scum really is. Your wife needs to change jobs.

Assuming the threat was real, what was said? Do you feel for your safety? If you feel for your safety, that's all the reason a judge will need to grant an RO. You don't even need a lawyer. Go to the courthouse in your community and ask for help or search your local community web site.

I recommend a low threshold for seeking a RO in absence of more thorough knowledge about OM.

BTW - good job on the exposure.

First of all, congratulations on doing the right thing by telling OMW. And don't beat yourself up for 'destroying' her life - all you did was give her the facts that she needs to make some informed decisions about her future.

As for his threats - it is very likely that nothing will come of it. When backed into a corner, little people will make big threats to make themselves feel big. However, a restraining order wouldn't hurt - especially if your WW will have her name put on it too.

You haven't mentioned yet what your plans for this marriage are....have you given that any thought?

OK, I read your other thread.

No sex with her until you know for sure she's not PG.

THEN - no sex without birth control.

Young, married two years, no kids.

I have tee shirts older than you both. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This can be salvaged, but it may make better sense to cut your losses. Salvage operations are not guaranteed, cutting losses is.

JMHO

WAT

You did great, otill. You didn't destroy her life, you gave her a chance to save her marriage and protect herself from her sleazy H and your W. What destroyed the marriage was his affair, make no mistake about it.

ditto everything that WAT said; please listen to every word he said!

According to my W, he said something like "is your H aware of what he did? Does he understand the actions that he took? He doesn't even know me and is not aware of what my friends/family are capable of doing to him". He then said she doesn't have to worry because he has more important things to worry about like his marriage. My W then asked him, "and my H?". He said, don't worry, I won't take any revenge.

I probably said the same thing to my W when I found out about it, but I have no plans on doing anything to the OM.

bitbucket, my other thread was titled, should I stay or should I go? Right now, I really don't know what to do. I'm trying to make sense of this whole thing. Is she becoming a new person? Is she really this immature? Or was this just some temporary insanity? We are going to a marriage counselor and I hope that he can explain to me how she was capable of doing this. He recommended that I separate from my W for 2-3 days and decide what I wanted to do since it doesn't look like my W is meeting my expectations.

So this is day 1 of my separation. Haven't really thought about it, just been posting here. What I do know is that I considered my W pretty much perfect until now.

I also asked my W to leave work as a non-negotiable item. I guess the ball is really in her court, but there's no way I'm giving her another chance unless she can prove to me that she's really sorry and won't ever do it again. I guess I need to see actions since her words don't mean anything to me.

otill, you are right to set absolute no contact as a boundary. You can read threads on this forum of folks who did not follow that advice and are still dealing with the affair years later.

I would caution you against seperation, though. It is much harder to repair a marriage if you are seperated and the WS often views it as punishment. Seperation also increases the odds that she will resume her affair.

Will she leave her job and send the OM a no contact letter? Here is an example from SAA. It should be written together and mailed by you.

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

You did the right thing. I'd say this guy could be a classic serial cheat. Let's see he had an A b-4 he got M, then an A w/your wife, and IMHO probably someone in between that...

SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW...the facts.

My WH has had multiple A's..and I can bet he tells every MOW/OW they are the only ones..Serial cheats are Serial liars too..

Anyhow,,,,

I wish OWH's would have called me sooner. I received calls from one OW and from two BH. And I've made a few calls to MOW. All this crap hurts like H#ll..But, I had a right to know. Yes, I still live with WH - but, we are leading separate lives until I find an appropriate home.

My choice has been to walk away from all this dysfuntion. Only by knowing what I know, have I been able to make this decision, and his wife should have that right too..

Be careful and maybe you do need to contact the police as a heads up and let this MOM know that you've contacted them.

Better safe than sorry...HUGS

I know. I was the one who suggested you take hard evidence when you tell OMW, remember..?



Great! And her response was...?

What? Are you serious?

Get a new counselor. Do not spend another penny on this quack.

Unbelievable!

Do you understand this makes no sense whatsoever? End the separation right now. Sheese, what a dumb a$$ thing to tell you to do!

WAT

BB, my W is currently looking at taking an LOA from work to ensure NC. She already kinda sent him a NC email (that's how I discovered the A got sexual). In the email she was like, "it was great making love to you, but I love my husband, you love your wife ... and this must end". Of course, the OM didn't respect her wishes and even asked her to escape with him the next day!!!! The guy even called her two more days after the email was sent. The guy clearly doesn't respect her (or me.. or anyone).

I really don't want her to be in touch with that guy anymore...even if it's just to send another NC letter. I'd rather have her leave work.

BTW, I forgot to mention, when the OMW called the OM, he was at lunch with co-workers. They could hear the OMW screaming over the cell phone, and asked what had happened. Supposedly, he told them he had cheated on his W with my W. Thus, now many people at work know what she did. What a low blow? Can this guy really be that low?? Why did he have to give my W's name? I guess that just proves what a bad person the OM is.

Oh yeah, about this counselor. He asked me to make a list of things that: a) make me happy; b) i look for in a woman; c) i look for in a relationship; d) i don't tolerate; e) actions that make me feel in love. Apparently, my W wasn't doing enough of (c) and (e). So the guy said, "why then are you in this relationship??? Is that who you are ?? A person that conforms and doesn't mind not getting what he wants?".

It was like he was reprimanding me for being with my W. As I said before, I always thought she was perfect (with a few quirks here and there) until now. But you are right, I'm staring not to like this counselor.

So its ok with you if she just takes a "leave of absence" from the affair versus PERMANENTLY ENDING it? Because if you want the affair to END, then ALL CONTACT must end. Lest you want to be dealing with an on-again, off again affair for years.

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

If true, this ought to contribute to a decision to leave that workplace. How portable is her career?

Mel is right - there can be no compromise on the work sitch, unfortunately. One of the costs of an affair.

Please consider using one of the MB counselors. Giving your W the benefit of the doubt, introduce her to this website and forum. Let her read your posts and our responses. Suggest she look for a counselor to replace the one you have.

WAT

I'm definitely NOT ok, with an on-again, off-again affair. I figured that what I need is for her to be in NC with the OM for enough time in order for me to try and gain my confidence in her back. But sounds like it should be NC for life. I don't think she'll leave work permanently for me. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't even try to rebuild this marriage? Thoughts/comments?

Why would she want to work there if everyone knows she was boinking this scumbag?

Answer: not everyone knows?

Another solution - he leaves.

What's her attitude since the "threat"?

WAT

otill, I have been here a long time and my marriage is very happily recovered. But the one thing that would be a deal breaker after being on this forum for years is a WS who still works with or sees the OP.

To agree to such a situation is to damn yourself to a life of he11, I promise ya. You will wonder EVERY DAY of your life if they are in contact at work where you can't see them. And everytime they see each other will put her and you back to Day 1 of recovery. It is like dying a death of a thousand cuts. There are corners you can cut in this business, but I promise ya, this ain't one of them! You are facing years of dealing with this affair if you try to take the easier softer way on this point. Don't do it!

Thanks MelodyLane for the recommendation. It's great to hear from others who've been through this, and it gives me great comfort to know that this can be recovered (although I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel yet). My wife has a great position at this company and that's why I felt bad forcing her to leave, but maybe the OMW will force the OM to leave now that she knows. I will push her to agree to NC for life.

WAT, u r right, I wouldn't want to work at a company where everyone knows I did a scumbag like the OM. I'm thinking the guy just told my W that to get her angry at me. According to my W, he started the conversation as "So I imagine the brutality your H just did...?" That way the OM can get my W to distance herself from me for "what I did". Why would the guy reveal to people at work that he's a cheater? If he had any hopes of banging someone else from work it's ruined now for him. Maybe he's just that stupid.