Did you end all contact with the OM? Did you send a no contact letter? Have you opened up your life to him by giving him passwords, putting a keylogger on your computer, etc?

If the affair happened on the computer, that is probably a very dangerous place for you to be. How can he be assured you aren't still pursuing internet affairs?

If he's feeling anything like what I am, then one minute he loves you and he can forgive you. Those are the times that your life is getting back to "normal". Then there are times when he's feeling like he loves you and then all of a sudden something happens--a trigger--that makes him feel all of the hurt and betrayel that is still inside of him. It makes him hate you--hate the OM--hate himself. It makes him doubt who he is in EVERY WAY. It makes him believe that he's not "good enough". It makes him lash out at you because he cannot handle the myriad of emotions that are swirling through him at that time.

Three months isn't a long time MrsRob. If you love your husband, then don't give up on him. What he wants more than anything is to KNOW that you will stick with him even though he's acting like an a**hole! You lost his trust and respect and now you have to earn it back. It's going to be hard, but if you love him enough to do the work then I'm sure it will be worth it.

Those are just some of the things that I feel anyway. I hope it helps.

HU2006

Melody Lane, you are right, a fog is no excuse and an affair is not normal. Yes, I ended all contact with OM- no contact letter and all. And yes the affair happened on the computer and phone. I gave him passwords and I cannot check the voice mails or the call activity on the phone or cell phone. I am rarely on the computer at home, and it is in the family room and I only do it when he is around.

The thing is, I am so afraid that he'll just divorce me and not give me the time it will take me to show him how much I love him and to fill his love bank. I am so willing to hang in there for as long as it takes and put myself and my needs aside for his to show him that I want him and our marriage. But he could just end it tomorrow if he wanted. I know what- I think it was Pep-said, you do things without knowing the outcomes anyway. But I'm so scared!!!!

He hasn't done it yet, though, and the things he said that he did do- moving some things into his own storage shed, making plans to transfer out of state with his job- he did not really do. Will he be able to have some sort of recovery if he refuses counseling or even reading any books??

Did you feel like you didn't love your husband any more? Sometimes he says he doent' love me and then sometimes he says maybe somewhere there's some love, he's not sure. I know right now he's staying for our 16 month old daughter. If it weren't for her he would have divorced me already. He told me long ago before we were married that if I ever did anything to be unfaithful I would no longer be worth it and I'd be "in a box."

I would give anything to go back and tell my DH how I was feeling instead of making these wrong and hurtful choices.

HU2006, thanks for the words of wisdom. He will not really talk to me about his feelings, except that I'm a w***e and not worth it and I've ruined everything for him. I know 3 months isn't long. I just hope he hangs in there longer too. ANd I hope that when we have recovered, I will be a better person because of it, and with a better marriage (our marriage was really pretty bad before) even though this isnt' the way it should have been.

Please keep advice coming!!

He is probably telling you it is worse than it really is to scare you a bit because he is so wounded. He feels like a chump for staying with you, but showing him that you are remorseful and do desire him will help assuage those feelings. If he really wanted to be gone, he would be gone, MrsRob.

None of us has any guarantees in life. We just have to deal with what IS. There is nothing we can say to make him NOT leave or make you not scared. But I suspect he has no intention of going anywhere or he would have already. Just stay persistent.

MrsRob,

The major issue is your betrayal, closely followed by the lies and deceit.

Betrayal: You have gutted your H. Men are creatures who own things. The things they own are theirs and they do not share certain things (Wives are #1 non shareable item). Other guys will castigate another man for weakness. Men view a wandering wayward wife as a man's weakness and that man will surely lose face and status because of that. Add on everything else the Harley's say about the hurt and pain of an affair and there you have it. Nothing you could have done would have hurt your H more and I mean nothing. His parents or one of your children dying is not nearly as devastating because you chose to do this, it was not an accident, it was not God's will.

Lies and Deceit: The one person your H could trust above all others, the one person who knows his deepest secrets has not only betrayed him, but lied and decieved him as well. Another major blow to his ego and cut off at the knees in the eyes of his peers. He has obviously lost your respect, but now he has lost the respect of his peers, subordinates, as well as his superiors. You job, should you choose to accept it is to fix what you chose to destroy.

You need to make sure he knows how sorry you are, that you are repentent, you have serious regrets for the hurt and damage you have chosen to cause (not because you got caught!), remorse for the damage and pain you chose to inflict on him, guilt for choosing to devastate the one you were supposed to love and cherish, forsaking all others till death do you part. He needs to know what you are going to do to make sure this will not happen again. What is your plan for recovery? What is you plan for your future with him? What will you do to help him heal and feel safe? Why did this happen and what are you going to do to find out how you let yourself choose this path of destruction.

Good Luck and God Bless! You will need both!

Mel,

I disagree with "if he was going to leave he would be gone already." He may be waiting and trying to do as much as he can until he feels he has done everything he can do and then leave with no regrets, knowing he gave it everything he had and it wasn't going to work.

MrsRob needs to understand that there are consequences and she is feeling them now, for her choices and one of those consequences is she may well find herself in court and if she is not in a 50/50 state she will lose a lot.

This is very true, Eagle. There just are no guarantees. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Eagle- Wow, harsh, but I know you speak the truth. I wonder if he's just "enduring" and will finally just leave becasue even if I do change and show him that I love him and try to earn his trust back it will not be enough. I have to say that you don't leave room for much hope. I mean, I guess he can have his own version of "doing everything he can do" before he leaves, but right now he is not doing anything to try to make our marriage work. I am not saying he should be, mind you, that is for me to do right now, I know, but I think if he were doing everything possible so he could leave with no regrets I'd see more and then he would see that it is possible to work things out. I do think that if he were going to leave he would have. ALso, he's already been divorced in our state, and knows how things generally go for the men here, and he said basically he'd move out of state, pay daycare and child support and rarely see our dd. He would not fight for custody. Also, I make much more money than he does- he cannot afford this new house without me, and he of course knows this. He's made comments like "Of course I'm staying, I'm buying a house, aren't I??" The house is in his name only, and I will not even be on the deed. He's also asked for a "post-nup" in which I confess my adultery and state that I will not ask for any equity in our home for the next 10 years. I have agreed to this. The other day I made the comment that "it's your house, you make that decision," and he said, "it's our house, but I'll deny I said that in court if needed." So he gives me hope and then he takes it away. Which I fully agree is normal and I deserve it.

Luckily none of his co-workers know, and only a couple of people at my work know about it. He really has no close friends, and that is probably a bad thing right now. Not that he'd talk about it, but he'd have something to do other than think about how awful I am. He was working nights and was home all day just stewing about my A, but now he's working days and the older kids are at home for the summer, so he's busy. He said last night, "I don't even want to do things with you anymore." But truth be told, we never did much anyways. We were always- and I mean always- fighting.

I sometimes wonder if our age difference is a problem- he's 15 yrs older. Sometimes I think that makes him stay- he's too exhausted to want to try dating again at his age (50)- but sometimes he says, "I should find someone to trust and to love in my old age. I thought it was you, but obviously not."

Rambling today, full of feelings......

You know, this is a bunch of crap. There is no reason you should sacrifice your financial security for his pride. You DON'T DESERVE THAT. Sure, you had an affair, but that does not entitle him to rob you of your financial security or punish you. Your name should be on the deed and you should not sign the post-nup.

I would sit down with him and lovingly, but firmly, tell him that you are willing to do what it takes to repair the damage frm the affair. You are committed to him and your marriage and want to restore trust. You love him with all your heart and fully intend on being with him for the rest of your days. Because of that, your name needs to be on the deed. And you will have no part of a post nup. IF you can't buy that house as a MARRIED COUPLE, then you can't help finance it as a MARRIED PERSON.

Being the victim of an affair does not entitle one to be a bully, nor does it oblige you to do penance that involves forfeiture of your home.

Are you on the mortgage? Don't you have to be on the mortgage since you are helping pay the mortgage? How can he leave you off the deed? Is that possible?

Hi Mrs Rob :

I see you are getting some good advice from some great people. I just wanted to give you some hope since I read your posts.

Men are different than women. Most women are bothered by emotional affairs more than physical affairs, while most men and I mean a huge majority are hurt more by physical affairs. There are exceptions to these rules but the point is statistics are in your favor.

In my case if my wife had an affair like yours I would have been hurt but nothing like I was due to her PA. I would have been hurt and angry I am sure but it would have been easier to overcome. Now a physical affair for a man is devastating to a man’s ego. I feel her PA defines me as a man that could not keep his wife happy (like I am not really a man). I feel used since she was not working and so she was shopping spending my money and boinking a guy on the side. In my case I lost all love for my wife and we will end up going our separate ways. But I can assure you if her affair would have been only emotional I could overcome that. I don’t want to minimize your affair but in my case it would have made it possible to forgive you.

The good news is as long as it was not physical I think you stand a better chance. It will take a while to get your husband to trust you and believe you want to be with him. The lies and deceit hurt but I think they can be overcome. You have a lot of work ahead of you but if you prove yourself I think you can survive this.

Yes, I will be on the deed, but then I will quit-claim it. The funny thing is, I'm a branch manager at a mortgage company and I'm getting him the loan. But the thing is, this "post-nup"- he just wants me to write it up and sign it-not with a lawyer or anything- and the quit claim, he is just going to copy a form he signed for his ex-wife's house, and he doesn't know to file it with the court. SO I will in all actuality be fine, but he will see that I am doing all he asked.

I know I brought all this on myself, but I just think so differently from him! If he had an A, I would beat myself up about what I did to cause him to feel like he had to do that, and what could I do to keep him, and make our marriage better. I told him that awhile ago, and his response was, "well, aren't you just a better person than me." His reaction is just- you f****d me and my daughter, and you're a w***e and not worth it and who cares if I could have done better in our marriage, you're the one with all the problems and if it weren't for you life would be good. He has never acknowledged my needs or feelings....but I am digressing because none of that matters right now, what matters is that I focus on his needs right now and dig for my own treasures in myself.

I Had Enough- I sure hope you're right......he does say he loves me at night and when I go to work in the morning, and we do pray together morning and night, and I am making it a point to spend lots of time together, more than we ever did before.......

I really want it to work. I am hoping the new house- where it's not "the scene of the crime," will help....

But why are you doing UNREASONABLE things that he asks? What if he asks you to jump off a cliff? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

MrsRob, have you done everything you can to be transparent? Since you betrayed him a second time; he is really going to have a hard time trusting you. Maybe you could install a software keylogger on your computer and have him set up the password. That way he can be 100% assured that nothing is happening any more. I hope he will start to come around, I hope you get in counselling too.

MrsRob,

there is plenty of room for hope and you can do it, it will be very hard and a very long road. You need to be prepared and know the facts. Then impart the facts to your H.

He does have his own version of "everything I can do is done." Your actions will have a direct affect on his version. He should eb working on this with you, not watching you work. This process, MB principles, works and works extremely well, IF, and I do mean ONLY IF, both of you are working together to rebuild. He needs to take an active role here.

Please review POJA and PORH, they are very important and you need his buy in on these issues. Regain his trust using the MB stuff, POJA PORH, Total Transparency, Total Honesty and openess. You did win him once you can win him again.

Things could be worse, I am the BH and I am trying to win WW back. Think about that, you are in a better position and you can do this. It would really help if he had someone to talk to, even an IC. One of my co-workers is going through the same thing I am and we have helped each other immensly.

Hang in there! You can be an MB success story, it just takes time, patience, and perserverence.

Good Luck! Hang in there!

He says, "I can't stop you from doing anything. You'll do what you want to do." Maybe he really doesnt' care. Maybe it's not just reaction to my EA, maybe he truly doesnt' love me anymore. But he still buys me my fave soda, makes dinner, snuggles most nights, makes love (although he says I'm a f*** pig right now. Nice.) It's hard to prove a negative, right? I know I will never do this again., I know the consequences are not what I want, right Eagle? There are always consequences, though, and he will have consequences for what he does to me, too. He has said that to me-- I am being so mean and hard on you that you might not want our marriage when I'm done being mad. But right now I want it no matter what.

Melody, I do the unreasonable things because I dont' want to lose him and I feel like he should get to ask anything of me because of what I did.

oh ok, Hope he doesn't ask you to jump off a cliff! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

LOL, yes I know. He is doing a number on me at times, too. I guess I just want him to stay and love me so badly that I'm willing to put up with a lot right now. Also, he is not the only one who can file for divorce. If I need to I can. I just don't need to right now. If I do all these things then he's bound to love me again, right??? I know, pathetic. But I love him and will do what it takes. If anyone ends it it will be him.

I don't think he will love you more if you act like a doormat and cater to unreasonable demands. It is not love inspiring, AS YOU CAN SEE. But if you want to put up with all that, I guess you are a volunteer, huh?