"Melody, I do the unreasonable things because I dont' want to lose him and I feel like he should get to ask anything of me because of what I did."

I want to add that he can ask but you do have the right to decline.

To take advantage of the A to get what he wants is manipulation. That is not forgiveness this is not asking for you to make amends. This may be punishment.

I am not saying it is or it isn't but be wary that there may come a time that you start resenting what he has asked you to do.

There is nothing love building about making yourself available to be manipulated and abused. It won't make him love you, it will just make him more eager to exploit you.

I know- his actions toward me make him feel bad about himself- and in a twisted kind of way, I hope that they "even out" the moral playing field. I want him to see that I am in this for the long haul- he has accused me of being "short-term." So I need to prove to him that I'm in this for the long haul. It's just so hard as I don't know what I'm coming home to. He has had 2 opportunities to move out of state with his job and has not gone, he can move out at any time and rent a room with someone he works with (there's a notice board at his work, it's not like he's looked into it, he just knows it's there)- and he hasn't done it. He still participates with my children (his step-children), although that has never been really all that much it hasn't decreased. He talks about Santa bringing a Playstation 3 to them for Christmas, we're buying this house.......and I'm hoping that he'll spend more time with the family in the new house, instead of just disappearing to our bedroom for the evening- which he did even before my EA.

I think really it is what someone (I'm sorry, I forget who, I'll look back and see) said- he feels like a chump for not just leaving me, but he really wants it to work out but he really wants me to pay but he really doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust me but he really doens't know.....etc.

Ah what a confusing day I am having.....

"and he will have consequences for what he does to me, too. He has said that to me-- I am being so mean and hard on you that you might not want our marriage when I'm done being mad. But right now I want it no matter what."

Well I am going to call you out then. There is no getting even here.

There is an easy way to do this and that is to let him treat you like crap until you feel as though you guys are now even.

The hard way is for you to make up, for lack of a better term, by doing positive things for him filling his EN's etc.

From the outside looking in it seems like his lovebank is empty based on your EA. Instead of filling it up in a positive way you are letting him drain your Love bank.

So you will have two people with empty love banks if this continues. I don't understand how that will strengthen a M.

Hurtingless, wise words. I have ordered LoveBusters and hope to get it soon.

I just dont' know if he will be able to recover much if he's not willing to do some work also.

But I can only change me.

MrsRob,

Plan A him. Treat him the way you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed. Do not be a doormat, open and be open to discussions, if he asks something you don't want to do, discuss it. Also try counseling with the Harleys, they have this stuff down to a fine science and will be able to help you and your H.

His anger, while understandable is not acceptable. I think if you both show respect for each other things will improve. I feel that you will ahve to be the first to show repect in some major ways and he will start to come around.

Make sure you are available to him at all times, cell phone, spending time together (recommended 15 hrs or more per week), etc... Guage your responses to his outbursts and anger in a respectful and loving way. Please try very hard to not LB, this is my biggest downfall and it will hurt rather than help.

Continue with your efforts they are comendable and you are making efforts most WSs wouldn't think or try for months. You are worth working hard for, as is he. He knows this, but is still out of it. Please remember 1 mistake does not make a person or a life. You can recover from this mistake and you will recover, it just takes time.

Call out for LA and ask her about the owning your own village thread. You are getting some wonderful advice from the pro's here, not me, but Mel and the others.

I wish you sucess in your journey. Hang in there.

Thanks Eagle. DH is not at all interested in couseling, so that makes me wonder if he will be able to recover. I am reading reading reading, so maybe he'll pick up a book- or maybe the changes in me will be enough.

I will hang in there. I love him.

Mrs,

Have you read Dorry's thread for FWW's?

The other thing I will tell you is don't assume anything.

What I mean by that is do not assume that what you are doing is right. Make sure you know his EN's and start filling those. You may be working but you might not be working on the part that is broken.

If you are unclear ask him what his wants, needs and desires are.

You may think you are filling an EN that is important only to find out it wasn't important to him. IE you may think x is important so you keep trying to meet it only to find out x was important at all. In all reality y was important and if you spent the same time and energy filling y as you did x you would have more deposits.

Do not become a doormat it will only lead to bad things.

Hurtingless- you're right. But I will have to take the EN quiz for him becasue he won't, I already asked. The funny thing- he's got a degree in Psychology!! But he "tried counseling with my ex and it didn't work." But she didn't go! I would go. But now he won't. "Been there, done that, got that T-shirt." he says.

I need to show him how much I love him. But only if it's the things that he needs, not the things I think he needs. I think this is one of the problems I have had in our marriage. The things he does for me, while nice, are the things HE wants to do for me, not the things I want him to do. So he could totally be feeling the same.

I called my insurance company about counseling. I'm going to start some IC soon. The funny thing is, I was doing some IC last October, but DH found out and made fun of me and told me now he'd REALLY never go to MC. Of course, for 5 years he'd been saying he'd never go, now that I went to IC he really wouldnt'? That's manipulative if I ever heard it...

Then I broke my ankle in 7 places and had the life threatening blood clots and I felt like he was not there for me at all and and and....

I do cry every day for the pain and suffering I have caused him whom I love so much.

Mrsrob,

Did you look at Dorry's thread for FWW's?

If not look at it and study it. She has laid out a perfect blueprint.

You cannot force him into doing things. You can however invite him to come along. You can make the invitation more attractive the more EN's of his you fill.

Yes, I have printed that out and am studying it to death! You are right about making staying married to me look attractive. Sometime- lots of times- in the past it probably wasn't such a great prospect.

He said that he would "just know" if he should leave me- that he would wake up in the morning and just know it wasnt' working out. I wonder if he'll just wake up one day and know he should stay.

Good,

Then go to work on it.

He may wake up one morning thinking he wants to stay another day and that day may turn into the rest of your life.

I will check in on you but there are others much more qualified then I to guide you through this.

Seek out other FWW's that are farther along then you because their advice will help you the most.

For me I wish my FWW took the same steps as others here. If she did we would be much further along.