Perhaps my exH's new marriage will last with OW. After all, they are one another's moral equal.

And hey, I'd like someone here to define the words "work-out" or "last" when referring to an affair-based marriage. Is that 10, 20, 30 years of bliss or unhappiness or cheating, or all of the above?

A friend of my H is on his 4th marriage; i know the last two were started from affairs (both parties married). I'm not sure about the others.

My belief...

Replacing people does not replace problems.

You take them with you.

You will recreate your relationship over and over again until you understand your importance, power, limits and what you are truly seeking.

I'm glad I would rather do that with the man who has my history, all of it, along with my vows...not because of who he is...because of who I have become.

LA

Interesting LA...

I think there a re lot of affairs in which the wayward NEVER intends to replace their spouse. I think MOST men think this way...but most women do not. Hence, their fear of being replaced OR the ends they go to to replace their H in an affair.

So, in the case where replacement was never the intention, an affair marriage can occur by default...the BS ends the marriage and the WS is just filling the vacuum with the OP.

In the cases where the replacement is intentional...that whole different kettle of fish...

Great point, LO...you caught me with my bias showing.

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I'm hearing in my head, "My wife doesn't understand me." Since OW meets WH's EN for understanding, he replaced wife with OW temporarily, not for the long haul.

WH doesn't really want a new kettle of fish...temporary replacement...where they are heard, understand, accepted and admired...a clean slate...not a real replacement.

Great point.

And yes, by default, an affair marriage. I guess that would go to why I believe the same problems will be recreated...when the OW then doesn't accept, understand, admire or listen over time...and another temporary replacement occurs?

I don't know. I'm not going there. lol!

LA

Very interesting thread, I saw this only yesterday.
I suppose, for those of us here, and in all walks of life, we might want to gain a sense of justice done, when we see that a new marriage failed after being born from adultery.

The adulterous partner creates a belief system in his/her mind that justifies their terrible behaviour, and tries to extend the new marriage as long as possible to prove to the world that it was all a great act of love, and therefore justified.

[color:"blue"] A big question to think abou: What does it mean -- "work out" ????[/color]

We all know, just because the affair-born marriage continues technically and legally, it is not the same as "working out."
Marriage is a matter of feeling. A marriage born out of destroying somebody else's happiness makes it necessary to live in a perpetual state of denial of facts. Living under that cloud of destructive and antisocial behaviour, does it mean "working out"?

Living with a spouse who has given undeniable proof that he/she is willing to hurt their marriage partner if it suits them and they meet another "soul mate" (I have come to hate this word as much as I used to love it!) just around the next street corner - does it make a person feel good about being married to a proven cheater ?

Affair-born marriages continue in the self-lie that the affair partners would cheat only on their FORMER marriage partner, but never on the current one. Of course, of course !!! But what happens when this proven cheater is late for dinner tomorrow? Is this happiness? Is this "working out"?

Hold that up to the light against the feeling in a marriage that started with trust intact. How does it feel - by comparison - to be married to someone who comes *without* an unsettling history of cheating, and abandoning, their previous marriage partner for someone else? How do marriage partners with a clean history feel about each other?

A lot of cheater's affair-marriages are probably going on for years, but so do marriages where the wife gets beaten up every Saturday night, where there are arguments, strife, and it takes 15 years for the marriage to fall apart over these assorted horrors. It doesn't mean that these marriages are "working out," in spite of lasting many years.

This is a great thread. Keep it coming.
..............

As was noted in an earlier post, most of these same points can be applied to the recovery marriage...so why would anyone even want to try to recover?

I became good friends with a man after my A whose marriage was an affair marriage. After they had been married for a couple of years, the guilt about what they had done was so severe that they had to seek counseling to deal with it.

He came to realize that what was done could not be undone. Their only option from that point forward was to apply what they had learned to their current marriage. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fun.

They have been married 22 years with three great kids.

SOmeone posted something earlier about the conditions under which an affair marriage would have a better chance of surviving. Those ring pretty accurate with me.