About a month and a half ago, my wife left me. We had an argument that morning. I was angry that she hadn't gotten out of bed yet. I had to go to work and she needed to get up so she could take care of our 15 month old son. She got upset with me because, and I admit to this, I was rather mean to her about the whole thing. Anyway, when I arrived home for lunch, she had all of her stuff packed up. I confronted her about this and she told me she was leaving, because it was clear to her that "we weren't good for each other." I stayed home for the rest of the day and the day after, even though she offered to stay so she could watch our son until her parents could come pick him up for a few days. I told her that if she was going to just leave, and for such a silly reason (in my opinion), that she should just leave. We argued some more, she stated how she hadn't been in love with me for quite some time, and that the "spark" just wasn't there anymore. We had been arguing quite badly for months, by this point, and she just decided, out of the blue (though now I'm sure she had help in coming to this decision), that she needed to get out of a "bad situation." So she left.

My D-Day was 4 days later, on a Friday. I had been fine that entire week, feeling as if this were just a minor setback that would eventually be fixed, once we had some time apart and were able to discuss things. Anyway, her computer was broken, and I told her I'd fix it. I snooped around. I admit it. I've had gut feelings about her infidelity for quite a long time, I just always gave her trust and the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn't have. I found a chat log on her computer. She was discussing with him what they'd do next time she went to visit him. I confronted her, and found out that this guy wasn't the only guy she'd had an affair with.. over the entire past year. She had even had sex with one of my best friends (he had just gotten out of prison - he felt incredibly guilty about this and still apologizes to me over and over again) THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE MOVED OUT - that was the reason she was so tired that morning and wouldn't get out of bed. Anyway, there were many men in her past year and even a couple of women & threesomes. It all came out, because I wouldn't let her hide anything from me. She told me that she lied to me about the affairs in order to "protect" me.

Our marriage, you see, had been rough for some time. Ever since about the time our son was born (March of 2005), she'd been distant and withdrawn, addicted to an internet game and always talking to her internet friends, to the exclusion of almost everything else. Her sleep patterns changed drastically - she never was asleep at night - I was always in bed alone. I had found out that she was heavily flirting with a guy online (if you call phonesex flirting), back in September of last year. When I confronted her about that, that was the first time she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore. She also started saying that she wasn't really interested in sex at all anymore, once her sexual appetite seemed to totally vanish.

For a week in November, she vanished to Florida, saying she needed a chance to "spread her wings and fly free" to focus and find her love for me again. It didn't seem to work. Things just got worse, our arguments just got worse. It was at a large convention in February that she started her longest-running affair, though I don't think it was her first. Ultimately, though, I didn't know about any of it until after she left.

She's been gone for a month and a half. She hasn't been able to keep a job for more than 2 weeks in over a year. She's already slept with at least 4 other people, she's started doing drugs, and she's even told me that she's interested in another guy, one who lives in Minneapolis (hundreds of miles away from where we live now - one of her internet friends). He spent over $500 on her when she went to visit him a couple weeks ago, and has offered to give her more money to visit him again. I think she's using him, maybe unconciously, and she thinks it's love, but ultimately I'm afraid she's going to get herself hurt, or worse.

She says it's definitely over. There is no remorse or regret in her voice, though she tells me that she has expressed such to her close friends. She tells me that she doesn't want me back, that she doesn't want to be with me. She says she's happy (with no money, a car that's falling apart, no job, and without her son... I don't know how) how she is now.

Should I just give up?

Do you have your son with you?

Rogue, given the situation as you describe it, the only real answer would seem to be "yes."

Document everything. Transfer all assests out of a joint account and into your own account. Contact and attorney and prepare for a divorce "for cause" and to fight for sole custody of your child.

It is time for the "safety net" to be removed. If there is to be any chance of recovering your marriage, she is going to have face the reality of her choices. But I am not hopeful from the scenario you painted of her actions, both in adultery and in drug usage. Beyond that will the question only you can answer, even if she wanted back in the marriage, would you want her without solid proof of a total transformation?

As of for your friends, "friends" don't "do" their friends wives. Get a new set of friends, as hard as that might seem to do right now. Think of yourself and your child.

God bless.

I do have my son. She does not. I don't want her to have him, either, because she's not healthy for him. At least, not as she is now.

Right now, I don't want her back. Not really. But at the same time, I still love her, and I don't want to give up on her. I gave her a promise. The year before we got married was amazing, and the two years leading up to our son's birth was even better. I know it could be that way again. Something is just wrong with her. But yes, I couldn't take her back without solid proof that she had changed.

I just don't like to give up on anything. I don't like to break promises. I don't like to feel like I'm failing my son in some way by not being able to save the family. And I am scared. I haven't been alone for 6 years. I don't know how to start over.

I just don't know what to do.

As for the friend, though, he was lied to and manipulated by her. He was made to believe that I knew what was going on and didn't care. She has spun a web of lies to everyone she knows, and that's how she's managed to cheat so much. I don't fault him for it - she's a very sexy young woman, she's always been awesome in bed, and he had been in jail for 3 years and had just gotten out. I am mad that he did it, but I forgive him for it.

Thank you for the advice. I suppose I will finish filling out the divorce paperwork, even though every letter I write hurts me.

*sigh*

I'm so lost. Today I feel so empty. I wish this wasn't happening. Why does this have to happen?

Wow, not only do I feel lost and alone in the real world, I get the cold shoulder online too... in a place where there was supposed to be support.

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TRX,

I think the drug issue sometimes scares a few posters away. It's easier to deal with infidelity when drugs are not in play.

My H had an affair when he was addicted to alcohol & meth. He slept with a co-worker when he was "high".

The change in her sleep patterns and disinterest in family is a huge red flag to an addiction. It's hard to deal with the cheating until the addiction is addressed.

Does her family know? If not, they need to know. Any way you can get her help for her drug problem? That's where you need to start. Some kind of intervention, maybe.

Tatertot

Not every thread garners a lot of attention. I haven't been around long enough to tell you what makes for the seed of a good thread and what doesn't. I can tell you that people might be getting ready for the holiday weekend and might not even be looking at MB right now.

There is also a longtime resident of MB who is a FWW who had renewed contact with her OM. That thread seems to be absorbing a lot of the experienced peoples' attention and energy.

I don't want to presume to speak for other posters, but they may very well think that the advice that FH gave you above, and what I told you on your original thread, is pretty much all there is to say.

You are not failing your son. You are standing up for him - and for yourself. You are showing him that being a man means more than being able to fix your car or grill a good burger. It also means that you take swift, decisive action to respond to a dangerous situation. Right now he's too young to understand - but he will someday, and he will appreciate you for it.

And this is a dangerous situation. Your WW could suck your bank account dry. She could run up your charge cards. She could get pregnant, and in many states YOU could get stuck with support. She could come home mouthing words of reconciliation, all the while whacked out on drugs and shagging your friends. Is this a woman you would want caring for your son? Is this a woman you want more children with?

You're doing the right things to protect your son and yourself. Stay strong and keep posting to let us know how you're doing. I strongly recommend you get counseling and spend as much time with your family this weekend as you can.

TT's point about drug use made me think.

Assume that a drug-addicted alien has hijacked your wife's purse, identity, and brain - keys, wallet, charge cards, bank accounts, everything, passwords - and act accordingly. Remember that this alien wants drugs and has no money.

Change the locks on your house/apartment and on your cars.

Close any joint accounts and reopen them in your name only. Destroy any existing checkbooks.

Declare any joint charge cards as stolen. Have new numbers issued and get the accounts in your name only.

Change passwords on any web access you have to your bank accounts, 401k, investments, health plans, and so on.

Put all of her stuff in boxes in the garage. That way if she does come to the house wanting something of hers, you don't have to turn her loose in the house looking for it (and pocketing whatever else she wants).

Look, I don't like to break promises either. To me, my word is my life. But your wife is a grown-up, and can make her own choices and can take care of herself. You can't help her until she is ready to be helped and will allow you to help her. I had a live-in GF who was a druggie. It took me almost a year to realize that she had to be willing to accept help before I could do anything for her.

Take care of your son. You made a promise to him, too.

Well, I've tried to get away from this site, but have had a few friends here ask me to come back and look at this thread.

Your situation sounds very familiar...my wife also got addicted to online gaming (Everquest) which eventually led to an online/phone emotional affair. The only reason it didn't lead to a PA (physical affair) was because I found out about it before they expected me to.

The change in sleeping habits and lack of interest in the family aren't indicators of drug addiction...they're indicators of her online gaming addiction. I saw the exact same thing in my FWW.

I'm going to be very blunt...she's had MULTIPLE affairs on you. She's been caught AGAIN, and shows no remorse or any kind of desire to change. She's engaged in EXTREMELY dangerous behavior (drugs, etc...).

And you've noted that things have nearly always been difficult in your marriage.

These don't sound like mistakes...or bad judgment. This sounds like this has always been her personality.

I don't have any good advice on how to save your marriage. You have to realize that you can't change her...no matter how much you want to.

At this point, I'd have to say it's time to save your son, and yourself.

Start by completely removing yourself and your son from her environment. Do whatever it takes to protect him from her horrible behavior. Work on doing things for him and yourself. Identify the areas that YOU can improve in your life and yourself...and work on those. Make yourself a better person...for YOU.

It's POSSIBLE...VERY UNLIKELY...but possible she'll see you becoming the kind of man she's admired and wanted, and decide to do what she has to in order to have you and DS in her life. But that's not your goal...your goal should be to take care of your DS and improve your own life.

Sorry I don't have any better advice.

What Bit said.

I lived throught the nightmare of being married to an addict. Having sex with some nasty chick who looked like Larry the Cable Guy was only a small part in the craziness going on. He drained our bank accounts. He sold posessions that his father gave him. He neglected his children. Bills piled up. Our water was turned off. He didn't care. I took away all access to our bank accounts and locked him out of the house until he entered a 30-day rehab.

Get going...for you and your son.

Tatertot

I am sorry you feel alone but in reality that is how a BS feels while in shock. You need to move forward. Can you? Will you?

This is in addition to filing your paperwork. Also expect her to come back...and for you to accept her as is. Will you?

Do you want a personal recovery plan? One that is healthy for you and your child?

L.

Thank you for the replies.. I'm sorry I acted out the way I did earlier. It wasn't intentional. I'm still very hurt by everything that's going on, and sometimes I make mistakes.

Part of it is just that.. I feel so alone. And I'm jealous of her, because she's a beautiful, social butterfly and never has to have an empty bed at night, while I've spent the past 2 weeks totally alone. She's off playing and acting like nothing ever happened, and I've had to suffer through it.

Anyway, to give an update on things, there have been letters back and forth. She's so far lost in her own fantasy world that there is no reconcilliation. She just refuses to admit to me or even to herself that she's messed up. So I'm done. I'm going to cut my losses and start taking care of what's important: My son.

I'm in the process of filing for divorce using Spousal Abandonment as the clause. I'm working on getting everything over into my name; all the bills and such. I've already changed all the locks in the house, and am working on getting her stuff put out into the garage. My checking account never had her name on it (she had a bad bank history and they wouldn't let me add her), and so I'm safe there. I'm going to fight for full custody, because I don't want my son to be in the kind of environment she lives in. Ever. He needs stability, and she can't give him that.

So, it's over and done. There will be no recovery here. I just need to set my sights on making a good life for my son, and in the future I can find someone new who will love us both and treat us both how we deserve to be treated. I just have to be optimistic... even though that can be really hard sometimes.

Anyway, her family does know. On Father's Day, she called to talk to her father and he told her never to call there again, and never to visit either. They're totally cutting ties with her and supporting me because I haven't abandoned my son. She told me that yes, she knows this, and that she doesn't care. That just proves to me that she is a manipulator of people.. she doesn't know how to treat someone unless it's using them.

Thanks again, everyone. I'll keep you all updated as I find things out. I'm expecting a nasty court case. I just hope it works out for the best. Men, after all, automatically start at the bottom of the hill.

I do have a curious question.. MANY of her behaviors fit into the symptoms list for Post-Partum Depression. Do you think it's possible that she could have suffered from/is still suffering from it? And if she is, what can I do? If she is, what SHOULD I do? Is it even worth my time, now, or is it too late?

I can tell you as a FWW, a serial cheater, that whatever she is experiencing, it isn't fulfilling or wonderful...

Depression...any kind...is our own demon to fight. There is a correlation between depression and infidelity...often depression has been or is present when WS choose to begin an affair.

I have seen other situations here where the first born is still a toddler...and the mother abandons...

Humans are complicated...no easy answers. I do know that the shock of having a baby, the incredible responsibility and reality, can be a stress factor...and stress is why we run...not that others are doing it; we are feeling it and looking to distract rather than own.

As owl suggested, work on your own stuff...where's the payoff in you believing she's out having a marvelous time while you're alone? Choosing to know what you don't know doesn't change reality...only adds to our own fantasy...

Knowing yourself well is the best you can do...for you and your marriage. I don't view your marriage as over until there's a decree. Worth your time? Worth your effort? Can you think of anything worth more?

This is the mother of your son...you will have a life long interaction because of him...finding your stuff, living in truth, knowing what you can control and what you can't, will make all the difference.

LA

She and I had a very long, drawn out argument over the weekend via email. Suddenly, on Monday, I had a realization.

Being angry, hateful, spiteful, and judgemental toward her for everything she's been doing since she left is accomplishing nothing but bringing me more pain. If I ever wanted to see our relationship saved, doing those things will only sabotage everything. I am being totally destructive in my own right.

I apologized to her for the things I've done wrong. No excuses or reasons; just admissions of my wrongs and apologies for them. I then told her that I was going to give her all the space she needed and let her do whatever she wanted to do, without being spiteful or judgemental.

It was like I had broken heavy chains surrounding my heart, and almost instantly my mood lightened. Yes, she caused this pain and caused me to suffer, however I was the reason that the pain continued. I allowed it to continue. I held on to it and wouldn't let it go.

So now I've let it go.

I admitted that, no matter how justifed I've felt in my pain, it was wrong to take it out on her constantly like I have. I also pointed her toward the MB Basic Concepts and asked her to read them so she could see that our problems are not unique to us; that in fact they are very common.

In closing, I told her that I was going to continue on with the divorce paperwork, but if she ever decided to give us another chance, after reading those concepts, I would be open to it. I told her that, anytime she needed me, or just wanted to talk to me, all she had to do is call.

Yes, it's surrendering ultimate control over the direction of this marriage, but that's okay. I've been nothing but controlling of her and of this relationship for the past year; it's time to let go. It's time I learned to be less controlling... to allow her to be an equal partner in this decision.

She hasn't yet responded to those last emails. However, she unblocked me from her MSN and re-added me as a friend on her MySpace. She also changed her relationship status on MySpace, though I'm not quite sure what she is doing with that just yet. Originally, she was married, then when things got really bad, she had Swinger on there (yeah, should have been a sign), and after she left she had put Single. Now, though, she doesn't list anything. It has me curious as to whether or not she really is considering us again.

I suppose I'll know for sure eventually. I'll just keep moving on with my life, and whatever happens, happens. No matter what happens, though, I know I can be happy.

Things are looking up.

Wow...finding your power. That's an amazing realization...and halving your pain.

Congrats and kudos and whatever else constitutes a dose of admiration...and appreciation for your post.

LA

Well, as a quick update, she put her status back to Single on her MySpace. But that doesn't bother me so much; she may still be sorta thinking about things. She should be getting back into town sometime within the next couple days. Maybe I will know something.

Anyway, why do divorce papers have to be so darn confusing?!?

My wife moved out before I really had a chance to enact a Plan A. Should I do so anyway, with her gone? Or should I just start Plan B, even though it says that one shouldn't skip Plan A?

At the present, I'm pretty much going through the steps of Plan B already. Without an attempt at Plan A, though, is it going to be pointless in the end?

How do you all think I should approach this?

You've already committed yourself to Plan D...owned your stuff and left the door open...is that correct?

Plan A would have helped you with getting to all your control issues...preparing you to live well on your own, in another relationship, or in regaining your marriage...

Acknowledging and owning those are the first brave steps...getting to why you give yourself permission, what is the premise of your life, and changes you want to make in you for you...well...those are important, as well...and I believe Plan A is where I did most of that.

I didn't do Plan B...which is NO communication except through third-parties (lawyer and mutual friend)...would you be willing to really do that?

When you're the one doing the divorce papers, I don't see any sync with having to do one plan or the other, really...you're divorcing...so if you wanted to Plan A, as you do this...you're mixing it up anyway...why not?

LA