What I want is to be free to post my opinions without people trying to find out if I disagree becasue "something" is wrong with my life rather than accept the fact that different people are likely to have different opinions.
[color:"blue"] We think/thought something MUST be wrong with you otherwise why would you be posting careless, needless, purposefully hurtful, incorrect, non-Marriage Building nonsense on a Marriage Building infidelity forum. Something must be wrong with you to offer uninformed and abusive advice unapologetically. Your steadfast adherence to such line of incorrect thinking, even after given valid and constructive criticism, only further solidifies that something must be wrong.
Here are some examples of your "opinions"[/color]
Forgive me for pointing this out, but one aspect of your statement here sounds controlling. "let her destroy her life "???
.
SB, her life is hers to destroy if she sees fit.
.
You clearly have quite a bit of work to do, but it does not mean it's impossible or hopeless. I think that your behavior is so ingrained that it will take a certain amount of effort to "unlearn."
[color:"blue"] Exactly how is hoping, plotting, and wanting to save your spouse from destroying herself and her family controlling?. If your husband were a crackhead, would you just throw up your hands and say "Well it's his life to destroy, if I go and pull him out of there, initiate an intervention and throw him in rehab...that is just too controlling. I've really must control these "abusive" tendencies of mine".
Secondly, he was asking the rhetorical question asked by many herein, "Why bother, I should just kick her to the curb and let her rot in ******". That line of thinking is the exact inverse of controling...it's "move on and let her suffer the consequences of her actions". In fact, if Sbmmal gives up, gets divorce and absolutely does nothing, her life would be destroyed all by itself. Attempting to "save" her is not an abusive controlling action [/color]
Do not buy into the idea that you exercising your right to a delay is more "control." If she speaks with you again and it comes up (it probably will), stress that it isn't about control. Explain that you simply need the time to adjust and to prepare for what may be to come. Point out that it is patently unreasonable to expect someone to come into the States on leave from a warzone and deal with something like that within a matter of days.
[color:"blue"] Yeah, Sbmmal should talk to his wife and stress "it isn't about control". She'll listen so well. If Sbmmal listened to your advice and acknowledged the control issue at all with his WW, she will see it as a sign of weakness and hammer him more. He needed/needs to focus on his strengths and attempt to meet her emotional needs for admiration, conversation, etc. NOT discussing in detail and leading credence to her rationalizations and justifications.
BTW, WW's deep down know it's bunk. Sbmmal will only appear weak, needy and desparate when acknowledging and trying to explain away her bogus rationalizaiton and justifications. Focus on your strengths and the future, not the past. [/color]
I am very concerned that a few folks here still don't get it: The infidelity did not cause the destruction of SB's marriage-the marriage was, in a sense, destroyed already. SB's wife attempted to use the affair as a quick & easy escape.
[color:"blue"]There are such things as exit affairs. They are undertaken by severly abusive conflict avoiders. Your whole line of bashing Sbmmmal for abuse and throwing this saying it was destroyed by his abuse and not her abuse is just wrong. Mrs. Sbmmal didn't have to wait to "escape", she had choices and alternatives. She's MARRIED to the man and obligated to him despite ANYTHING he did. If your preceive she actually was biding time then SHE TRULY is the abusive one and you should have even more sympathy and understanding of Sbmmal. [/color]
SB can bust up this particular affair; however, (IF the relationship somehow continues) there will likely be another affair, another dash for the door, or some other negative / inappropriate behavior if the root cause of the problem isn't uncovered and addressed.
[color:"blue"]Which is what Mr. and Mrs. Sbmmal will need to address IN RECOVERY. There is no analyzing it now just like there is no sense analyzing the peeling paint in the womans bathroom on the sinking titatic. It's a recovery issue and not a "bash the Betrayed Husband serving in IRAQ and nearly powerless to effect change with everything HE DID WRONG" over and over again issue. The opinion is of no value today. Besides, there is no way to actually discern the true "root" causes until the affair is over and the marriage is on honest grounds. Unknown to you (because you're new here and lack any experience with infidelity), the "root" cause is nearly always inside the wayward spouse. [/color]
The sad and bad part of all of this is the one sided perspective being provided by many of the respondents here: People here are telling SB that "the affair" is to blame for the break up of the marriage (as if "the affair is a separate living breathing entity), yet SB is perfectly willing to continue his marriage in the face of the affair.
When an affair "breaks up" a marriage it usually goes like this:
-One spouse cheats
-The other spouse finds out & files for divorce
Not:
-One spouse cheats
-The other finds out, tries to bust up the affair and tries their damnedest to get back in.
Thoughts?
[color:"blue"]The latter is how it often does happen. Extricating a spouse from the addiction to an OP is difficult work and undertaken ALL THE TIME by loving and themselves faithful betrayed spouses. It's an act of AMAZING grace. Most affairs do not result in divorce. In fact, statistically it's only about 20-25% actually result in divorce. [/color]
Justuss, I am familiar with the concepts, and I have concluded that high fiving does not qualify as support.
SB was blindsided because of all the "support" he received in this thread.
[color:"blue"] You kept saying that and I just don't get why. She filed the papers on June 30, 2006 and waited several weeks to even tell him. What could we have said to even stop such filing? What difference would it have made if someone had said "be prepared for a divorce filing"? I'm sure Sbmmal's had tons of guys in his unit that are all in the same boat. He knew it was possible the whole time. It's a common WS ploy to justify their love affair.
Besides as I said before. Your interference on the thread is the only thing that may have prevented him getting the advice he needed. How is/was your misguided focus on his "abuse" helpful towards avoding being so "blindsided"? If it was a failing wasn't it YOUR failing too?? How do you support your argument that MB concepts fail to address or warn of this likelihood? [/color]
Here is a possibility that you should be prepared for: The truth is that some women can never forgive their abuser just as some people can never forgive infidelity. In both cases it is trust -something that is as vital to relationships as oxygen is to mammals- has been damaged or destroyed. Unfortunately, some people's trust is more fragile than others...This is the chance taken by people who choose to hurt loved ones: There is the possibility that your relationship will be forever altered or-worse-come to an end.
[color:"blue"]Now he's an abuser in the "beat your wife" sense of the word and his wife maybe won't forgive HIM. You take a discussion on Love Busters, label HIM and then tell an emotional destroyed betrayed husband in IRAQ that just got told about divorce papers and he's losing his wife and daughter ...THAT IT'S HIS FAULT and HE MIGHT JUST NEED TO ACCEPT THAT...nice!!! (and you are completely oblivious to the fact you COULD be wrong and thus this is very cruel). [/color]
You correctly tried to make this about you, her and the relationship, but you may need to make this about you for now.
[color:"blue"] Then you tell him just let it go and focus only on yourself...fix YOU and the rest will follow. Sbmmal doesn't need "fixing" yet, he needs his wife extricated from an illicit and abusive affair. He needs to expose her to the world and hope the light of day will shine unfavorably upon the infidels. [/color]
Please forget about the other man. He is irrelevent. I am very confident in saying (actually- repeating) that he was simply your wife's excuse to vacate.
[color:"blue"] Yeah, this one takes the cake. Nice "opinion". Trying to tell Sbmmal to just forget about the guy screwing your wife. He is irrelevant??? (implying that ONLY Sbmmal's "abuse" was RELEVANT). In Plan A busting up the affair is paramount. OM needs to be pressured to move on. In fact, many times OM's do just that once exposed to friends and family. Just like cockroaches...they tend to scatter when the light is turned on.
Also, by staying silent he will likely be affirming by silence all the lies being said about him and their marriage stateside by his 'ABUSIVE' wayward wife. Silence now would be exactly what his wife and OM want so they can just slide off together unnoticed. [/color]
Make no mistake, her infidelity was wrong (This is something else which I am repeating). You are not responsible for it. You are; however, responsible for your own actions. And at the very least-you can use your situation to help you learn to abandon the practice of controlling and abusive behaviors within the context of your intimate relationships. That way if this one ends and another begins, you will be ready.
[color:"blue"]Great concept. For recovery. How is giving a recently betrayed distraught husband in IRAQ advice and opinions about his future relationships "if this one ends" at all nice or helpful? MB principles of busting up affairs is a war plan...you do not enter war counseling your soldiers on the next battle. You focus on the battle at hand. He'll have plenty of time to worry about his next relationship down the road.[/color]
In this particular case, I believe that the infidelity is a symptom rather than a cause.
[color:"blue"] Yes, a symptom of his wife's immaturity, depravity and abusiveness. [/color]
I believe that if his wife were willing to disavow the other man and agree to get back together-the problem would be solved as far as SB is concerned.
[color:"blue"] Yea, so many of us just jumped for joy when our WS came home...PROBLEM SOLVED. [/color]
I think that if this were to happen now, there would be yet another affair later on down the road.
[color:"blue"] So then Mrs.Sbmmal would be well-advised to continue her affair a little longer so perhaps Mr.Sbmmal will learn his lesson well. Maybe you should advise her to keep screwing OM cause I think in a few months your husband just may finally learn to stop trying to controling/abusing you.
Or is it that Mr.Sbmmal needs more punishment for the perceived abuse he's done to his wife. If she comes back today he'll never learn. [/color]
It is just my opinion and I am entitled to it, and no amount of cyberbullying or bandwagoneering will make me change my mind.
[color:"blue"] I truly am a believer in people. I feel you want to help and hope you are not really the abusive person you've displayed herein. I am not trying to cyberbully you, I'd rather you come to understand the MB principles, apply them to your marriage and just change your perspective. Marriage is NOT a battle. You don't need or have to be a "ball-buster". If you have your man on a short leash it IS NOT strength.
If you continue to abuse newbie posters herein, myself and others are obligated to "freely" state OUR opinions about how wrong you are. It will always cross the line when you begin to be hurtful with your words. I hope you are doing it unknowingly but I'm just not sure. [/color]
What occured here was nothing less than cyber bullying by a gang of insecure, emotionally damaged people.
[color:"blue"] The Jets are gonna get you...tonight. You forgot "childish". [/color]
Mr. Wondering
