Thank you, Plank...worth the wait...though I believe that quality time and driving all over Florida is a paradox for me...
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"I’m asking you to continue to be true to yourself."
This is the circle I went through by posting here, on your thread. Got myself back to the beginning...my intent...and I'm okay now. Until this happened, I didn't realize how often I feel an old way while living in my new way...there's overlap...it's confusing...painful...and like a truth not getting through to me, needs my attention and awareness.
I know this poster wasn't telling me I was bad when he said I DJ'd him...and now, I understand better that my fear was behind it...did I really DJ him? I told him what I saw that he did as abusive...not everything, parts. He felt picked apart...every word. This was me, a few years ago, and I believe that's why his belief came straight into me, like an arrow, and sat down. If I was like this before, and didn't know it...couldn't I be like that now, and not know it?
I took the healthy steps of asking...honestly open for others to say, "Yep. You did that." Or not. This wasn't me wanting others to chime in with supportive strokes...I believe strongly in your honesty, as well as all the others on this thread and in this forum. I believe in the honesty of the poster...and there was another poster saying I was doing it to this poster, as well. That was different.
Two poster's perceptions was new. I haven't learned to rely on my intent as much as I preach it...now I do. Even if four posters are in dissent...my intent is mine. You're right about me blurring those lines...believing because it felt one way to someone, I wasn't necessarily doing it.
And it doesn't mean my approach is wrong, either. It's mine. I believe in it because this was the way my life changed. Doesn't mean it works for others...and I forgot that the best way to get someone to shut up with their opinions is calling them abusive.
I did that.
Until I owned my own abusive ways, and then I was clear of it.
Seemed like my old abusive ways were back...from his reaction...not my intent...and until Pep and dorry and the others helped me to get clear on that...NB, especially...then I was swimming around in my hurt, not tracing it back to this belief, which you re-affirmed.
Your opinion matters to me. It was in the PA thread you referred to.
I come here for the same three reasons you do...and I'm staying here...same method...I don't change my approach for each poster because I believe I would be DJing them to do so; I am that phobic of being the old, manipulative me. For now, this is what I have to bring, my choice to bring it...maybe as I grow, I will learn another way...see a bigger picture...and maybe, this was to teach me, from so many posters' positive response, that what I say can be taken in any way, any time...not my doing. Not in my control.
Sobering...true...and just a little nudge from God to remind me that this is how I changed my life...and slipping back into believing I cause harm, do wrong, with pure intent, wakes me up again to this basic, necessary truth in my offscreen life.
I equally rely on all of you to hand me your truth, unrequested, any time. Please.
LA
