I think that is a great idea, to call your attorney. And actually, I would let your attorney do ALL of the communicating from now on. If your X doesn't have an attorney, or isn't actually taking any legal action, than it will be his loss. Let your lawyer speak with him.

But I truly believe it's time for you to end the contact with him. Because as long as you are taking his calls, replying or responding to him, he's getting a reaction out of you. And THAT is his goal, here. So don't allow it by answering in any way. Pull the plug, Honey!

I'm thinking of you, during this very difficult time, and I pray for strength and courage for you, to see you thru! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (((L2S)))

Jennifer

L2S, How are you doing? What's the latest? Please let us know!

(((L2S)))

Life just keeps on going........

Today he said he will work on corrections to the papers. Said he can't live the way I want him to live. What that means is that I won't have sex w/him b/c of what he has done and the lies that he is still telling.

It's like I want it over but, I don't want it over. Does that make sense?

When I think about what I really have, when I put it all in perspective, I don't have a M or a R w/him. Heck, I don't even have a life. I exist. But, I can't seem to take that final step. I want to. I just can't do it.

I would like to get off work in the evening and go "home". My home. My DD's home. Kick off my shoes, eat, do chores, be lazy, whatever. I want a R w/someone but not just anyone.

There's no trust between us.
There's too much drame w/his kids.
There's too much drame w/his family & w/our business.
He's nice nasty around the house.
He says nasty things but then says he's kidding.
He is forever making snide comments about my past.
He gets mad over stupid stuff but, at this point, so do I.
I know that he is still lying about lots of stuff; he won't come clean b/c he knows I would definitely walk if he did so he continues to lie.
He starts the "poor pitiful me" stuff when we get close w/the papers.
He starts the suicide talk when we get close w/the papers.
He's too friendly w/women but, if I say a man's name more than 3 or 4 times, he starts accusing me of messing w/them.
He has started telling me that someone told him that I was talking w/someone, going to lunch, etc. It's total bull and I told him to prove it.

I just can't seem to extricate myself from this mess. We still have the company and I know that it will be a lot for him to handle but, he made that choice when he cheated and when he continually put his son's wants over our marriage. He did it time and time again until I couldn't stand it any more and I left but, I only got out of the house.

I am so depressed over all this. I want it over but I don't. What I really want is to wake up and realize it was just a bad dream and that he didn't really do everything that I know he did. I want to cry and scream until there are no tears and no voice left. I want to crawl into a hole.

Pull yourself up, L2S!! You CAN do this!! Yes, it hurts! It hurts like ******!! But you KNOW why you are at this place in your life, right now. And it's NOT because he has only a few flaws. It's because he is ABUSIVE! In every form of the word.

Keep moving ahead, L2S! You WON'T regret it! Fear is what holds us back, UNLESS we look it in the face and PLOW thru it, like a Mac truck! You only have a few more steps to go to complete this. Once you have legally completed this, then there will be closure, and you will be able to move on from this, and truly begin to heal. DON'T rob yourself of that!

I love ya', and please keep us posted!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((L2S)))

Jen

Thanks, Jen.
I'm just so scared. I'm scared to move forward and I'm scared to stay stagnant. I'm just scared.

I'm angry w/myself for wasting so much time and angry for allowing his behavior in the fisrt place. I'm mad that I've taken so much and continue to take.

I feel like it's impossible to extricate myself from this mess. I WANT to but, I don't know how. I don't know how to just walk away and not look back. In my head I know I'll be so much happier w/o all this crap but, I don't know how to get there. I know that he'll be fine. There will always be another "me" just around the corner waiting on him.

I'm so disappointed in myself. And when all this is finally over I know I will be so angry that I allowed all this stuff in my life and in my daughter's.

L2S,

Until YOU DECIDE to WANT to move on, you WILL continue to be stagnant. You "fear" the uknown, of being alone. But, when you look at your life NOW, in some ways, you ARE alone because your WH refuses to walk along beside you.

Like my WH, your WH has very deep issues that you will NOT be able to help him fix. His passive aggressive behavior and manipulation of you hasn't stopped. So, what makes you think he will change?

Yes, you can! It's not a matter of "want to", but it's a matter of making that decision to want to move on.

What does this quote mean to you: "I CANNOT CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WIND, BUT I CAN ADJUST MY SAILS"

If you don't adjust your sails (your life) you're just floating aimlessly at sea (your marriage) until the next storm (conflicts in your M) Your WH has got you in the palms of his hand by KNOWING which button to push and your are letting him. So, until you say STOP, he will continue to push it and YOU will continue to drift aimlessly.

So, DECIDE!

GOD will not give you more than what He knows you're capable of. HE knows your strength and needs. He wants you to discover them. So, you're left with the CHOICE of accepting what your WH throws at you OR rediscover yourself.

Live by your name: Life2Short. Don't waste it.

Stargazelily

WH has told me endlessly that he is willing to do whatever is necessary to regain my trust. But he is still lying about some of the stuff he's done. Either he lied to other people about his escapades or he's lying to me. I believe the latter to be true.

He is continually apologizing for stuff he's done but then he turns right around and does the same thing again, i.e. cursing me out, threatening, etc.

He gives me pure h*ll for going to church but calls OW about something and I'm supposed to think that's okay.

I believe that he would change for a season if I went home. But, people who know him well say he would be up to his old tricks in 6 months.

WHY CAN'T I JUST LET GO? I AM DRIVING MYSELF CRAZY!!

I am wasting precious years of my life and my daughter's but I can't stop it. I don't know how. I get so close and then I just freeze. I start thinking of the man I thought he was and how much I loved that man and I just freeze.

I think of having to go to our home and start packing my things and I can't stand the thought. But, I can't stand the thought of going home and dealing w/his kids, his double standards, his flirtatious ways w/women, his obsessive/compulsive behaviors, etc.

Geez, what a screwed up, messed up soul I am. Does anyone have any suggestions for help for me? I'm very serious. I need to get this over. I just don't know how.

Here's where I am and what I have to do to get myself out of this mess:
1) have set of papers that we've agreed to for the most part

2) still part owner of company - still helping w/paperwork though made him mad by going to church Wed so he hasn't spoken to me much since then

3) all my stuff is still in house - I know that when I start getting my stuff he will be there and will be giving me h*ll every step of the way - I know he will scrutinize everything I pack and will make it hard when it comes to photos, etc.

4) we've gotten separate checking accounts and paid off credit card

5) my DD goes to school in his school zone - will need to buy house or make arrangements for her to go elsewhere - don't want her going there when we D

6) when we D, he loses health insurance that he desparately needs - I know, choice he made and not my fault but I feel guilty with the woulda, coulda, shoulda's

7) He will curse and tell me he hopes I'm happy w/that SOB at church

8) Thank God, literally, I'm in great financial shape. I have zero debt except insurance. One of his problems is that I'm leaving him w/all the business paperwork and I'm taking away his play money

So, if you've been through a similar situation, how did you get away?

What helped you?

I know I need to get myself out of this mess but the thought of doing it kills me and I really am scared to move forward. I'm scared of what he's going to do/say and I'm scared of being alone. That's sad but true.

I got this email the other day. It may help you as you move forward:


The Bank Account

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.


After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.



As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.



"I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.



"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."



"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.





"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from it what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

I've read similar stories. The meaning is wonderful.

I know that it's something only I can do. I just don't know how to do it.

Been separated 2.5 years. I can't believe that. I've been in limbo 2.5 years; so has he.

At this point, I believe he is seeing someone else; probably not the OW I caught him w/but another OW. Think I know who she is and was vaguely told that he might have messed around w/her before. He keeps telling me that he can't live like I want him to; interpretation no sex. I can't be w/him knowing what he has done.

There's no way to repair all the damage that has been done to the many relationships that comprise this marriage from ours, to kids, to family members, etc. I just can't seem to let go. I really think it's best for us both but the thought of not being able to pick up the phone and call him or have him call me kills me; not seeing him or whatever. I hate my life.

I'm so depressed right now I just don't know what to do. I'm hurt and angry and weepy and......... tired.

I've been on this roller coaster far too long.

My WH and I can't get it together. I want him but he doesn't want me. He wants me but I don't want him.

Most folks here who have been kind enough to post to me say "go". My WH has an incredibly nasty temper and nasty streak where he says nasty things to hurt.

This past Wed he got mad b/c I went to church. Hasn't really spoken since then; cold shouldered me when I went to our house to p/u my D after school; she rides bus there. Now, it was okay for him to call OW last week b/c of an incident w/one of our employees that she specializes in. I never said a word. But, b/c I went to church I'm dogmeat.

He's got a lot going on in his life. His son's GF (17) is pregnant again. This makes 3 kids for him at 20. He's D'd from first. If I go away totally he has all the company paperwork to handle. He's already taking care of all the house stuff pretty much. There's drama w/the women at a place of business where he gets a lot of supplies. Apparently, most are cheating on their spouses and he's gotten tangled up in some he said/she said stuff. How silly; he's 42!!!

So, as usual, get a VM this morning from him telling me that I can talk w/OM at church all I want. Doesn't matter anymore. He is going to work and then is going to birthday party of OW's mother.

It's all so sad. He's so into hurting me. If I do something that he perceives as me trying to hurt him, he then makes sure that he does something back to hurt me and makes sure he's leaves a VM to let me know. He leaves the VM so that he can say that he isn't hiding anything from me but I interpret the VM as being hurtful b/c he's rubbing it in my face as if to say "you made me mad by going to church so here's what I'm going to do to get back at you."

What I've never been able to make him understand is that it isn't his words I need, it's his actions. By his actions he continually tells me that he's going to be a tit-for-tat H. If I make him mad he's going to retaliate in a nasty, hurtful way. He hasn't changed. He's still cursing me out when he gets mad. He's still talking to OW. He won't show me his cell bill so I know he's hiding something; if not, why not say "here".

The one thing I'm unable to figure out is why I want this man in my life, in my daughter's life.

Why?

What does he add to my life?

What is wrong w/me that I think this is all there is?

Someone told me the other day that there is no telling how many chances at happiness I may have missed b/c I am still married to him. How many good men might have asked me out if I wasn't still married? (Not that I'm some wonderful catch, but that I'm unavailable).

Please pray for me about this. I really need help.

L2S, you still care too much what he thinks. You have to allow yourself the time to detach. I know that is painful to do, but once you begin that process, it WILL eventually become natural, so that you won't feel like you have to put so much effort into it.

Detaching isn't just a mental or emotional act. It's physical, as well. You have to start with the physical, then the mental/emotional strength will follow.

You spend alot of time still analyzing his every thought, which STILL puts him in control. And he KNOWS this. He left that VM, KNOWING his words would ring in your ears all day. And from this, he gains satisfaction enough to go on with his day. AND justification in his own actions.

It's all a game, L2S! And you shouldn't allow these games to be played with YOUR life, nor your daughter's.

From now on, if you see his name come up on your phone, don't answer. If you see he's left you a VM, DELETE it, don't listen. Any attempts at contact with you, HALT IT! This will be the ONLY way his words will have NO effect on you. The door in your life to him, is still part way open, enough for him to fit his fat head in, and holler his nonsense crap at you, which puts you in the position to react. So SLAM that door and LOCK it!

You can do this, L2S! And the sooner you do, the sooner a NEW door will open to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((L2S)))

Jen

Hi Life, I've just recently come back to this board and yours is the first line I've read. I can relate so well. We've been separated for almost 2yrs(he lived in bsmt for 6mos-then moved out).

I am a stay at home with 3kids, he's a prof athlete. I have been trying to leave for a long time but feel badly because he professes such love for me and the kids. He has actually improved with his actions but still falls staggeringly short of what needs to be done. Nonetheless, he feels he's bent over backwards and I'm getting all the +'ves in the R. He sees himself as making great sacrifices and continually tries to draw attention to how difficult things are for him during this time.

I was diagnosed with a severe depression 2yrs ago and he stepped in at that time for about 2mos and ran the house. Since then I have had other medical problems, thyroid, anemia,etc, which have made me fatigued consistently but I have continued to care for the kids and house. He takes them for about 2or3 nights a month and spends time here at the house with them.

Sorry, I'm babbling, my point was that I am in the same position in that I want to leave, can see that leaving would be better, he's notlikely to change anymore than he has(Which he already obviously resents) but I fear making that final leap. How do we do it? I don't have all the answers but maybe if we can identify what it is we're afraid of we can work through it before it happens.

I moved away from family and friends to marry this man 14yrs ago and am now totally isolated in a community which idolizes him and will make me the B**** after the D. I don't speak the language here very well and almost all our social contact has been through him and his work. I am very fearful of how I can handle the total cutoff from social ties that will still remain outlets for him. It's like his life will continue to be the same, he'll just substitute some OW for me. YUK! I feel very alone and have considered moving back to my home town. Again I am afraid of how I will handle the finances of the move and his visitation/involovement with the kids-they absolutely adore him.

What are you afraid of? If you don't talk to him everyday, what changes that bothers you? If he doesn't call you, why does that scare you? You don't want things to stay the same, you know they are not going to change for the better if you stay, why not go? Is it possible the reason he really gets upset with you going to church is that you receive support from people there and he doesn't like it when you get strength, he prefers to see you weak( all the better to have control of you my dear).

Something to think about,
apl

Can u change where you attend your church? Then tell him OM and you have a NC agreement. Let the OM know that even if there isn't an A/EA that your H is extremely jealous. It is important to expose so that his anger has no place to hide.

Difuse the anger and then see where he goes. If you can handle that bumpy ride. If not, consider plan B. Know that any financial, mental and emotional impact can be had in plan B, that is why is it vital to have a good plan A. Plan A difuses the anger to where you can manage through the rest of his WS babble. Reverse babble is another technique some find helpful to shrink his anger down even more. Then when your mind and heart are in sync you go to plan B or D as needed.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,
I actually stopped going to church altogether b/c of his accusations from mid January to mid April of this year. During that time I had absolutely NC w/the OM. Mind you, there was NEVER an A. He was a friend only and when I started listening to what my WH was saying about him, I stopped talking to him.

During my hiatus from church, which was the wrong thing to do, he continued w/his A, continued talking w/2nd EX, continued having casual sex w/a third woman. He also continued to curse me and blame me for his A. During that time we also were going to MC. Went three times. We were scheduled for the 4th when I found out that he was actually having an A w/the OW.

My D is in church in the youth group and I don't want to interrupt that. My extended family goes there as well. My WH hasn't gone to church in almost 4 years. Said he stopped b/c of my talking to OM but he stopped long before I even knew the guy existed. BTW I asked him to come to church w/me but he was only interested in going if he could confront me and the OM in the parking lot w/witnesses who have supposedly told him about me talking to the OM.

I don't think it would matter what I did or what I gave up, he would find another reason to blame me for his waywardness and I would just end up losing a little bit more of myself and my life.

Jen,
You've been through so much of this w/me. I thank you for that from the bottom of my heart.

You are so right. He does what he does b/c I allow it. I need to get my stuff out of the house, get the papers signed, find somewhere else for my D to go, and let him have his life back. I need to leave him alone and go totally dark.

I know that there will be plenty of other women who will gladly step in and take care of him. He won't go hungry, won't lose sleep, won't wear dirty clothes, etc. He was fine before I met him and he will be fine after I'm gone. He will not die w/o me and I won't die w/o him.

It's just the finality of it all that kills me. It's the death of what I thought was going to be the life and love you always dream about turned nightmare.

My life is still too entangled w/his to go dark at this point. I know that when I eventually do (and that's a given) I will eventually be very relieved. It's just getting there that's really hard.

apl,
I'm sorrier than you can ever know that you are in a mess like mine. I think sometimes that I"m in a movie like "Fatal Attraction" or "Sleeping with the Enemy". Honestly, my WH has some of those traits!!!



You asked a lot of good questions.

What am I afraid of? In a nutshell, I'm afraid of being alone. Plain and simple. I think if I knew that there would be someone else for me a few months down the road I would probably have an easier time of it. I enjoy being by myself for a period of time but, I don't want to be by myself routinely. I want someone to share my life with.

I also know that when it actually comes right down to getting the D and finalizing everything I probably have only seen the tip of the iceberg where his nastiness is concerned.

I have a past as a teenager that I really don't want people to know about. I know that he has already told one person and I have no doubt that he will tell others in an attempt to keep me from seeing anyone else.

I do believe you are at least partly right about the church thing. I think a lot of it is about control for him. He controlled me for so long. He did what he wanted to do and I took it. The first time I ever truly put my foot down on something and said "don't" he did it anyway; moved his son,wife,baby in. That's when I moved out. That was 2.5 years ago. Even though we're separated he still controls me and I really do want to stop it but I don't know how.

It really galls me that he plays games w/me where church is concerned. He won't go but keeps saying he's going to get his life right. He doesn't want me to go even though he knows the OM has a gf.

I wish I oould take a peak inside his brain and see what's really going on in there.

Whatever he may have in your past doesn't compare to what he himself has done. Especially if what he has on you goes all the way back to your teen years.

This is a horrible time. I just went through it myself and hated every minute of it. Recently, I've been emerging from the bad stuff and am accepting the new life I had. It is cliche, but eventually you do start to emerge. I feel better now than I did two months ago and expect to feel better two months from now.

The man you fell in love with doesn't exist any more. I had to accept that about my ex ww.

Go get yourself a book by Victor Frankl called "Man's Search for Meaning". It really changed my outlook on things. He's a psychiatrist that survived the WW2 concentration camps and wrote this book on people's search for meaning in their lives.

I read it while in the hospital for depression. It was inspirational and really changed my view on life. It will take a lot of effort on your part to move ahead.

I'm slowly out of the gate, but it gets better. One day you'll see him and think "good riddance". Better to be alone and content than to spend years with him and misreable.

Great thread! I don't have alot of input, but L2S I just wanted to say you're not alone. I too am in a M that is not healthy and never has been really. It is very easy to become complacent (sp?)-I have been for years. In my situation, I had an EA with someone. I am now trying to move on from that and make some real decisions in my life and M. When H found out about OM he wanted to work on it. I told H that I would, but that I would not go back to the life we had prior to OM. He agreed with me on that - fast forward 13 months later and I am in the exact same situation with H as I was prior to EA. We have been to 2 MC's (you can do a search and read my story if you're interested.) and have just about exhausted all avenues. I realize that I can choose to stay the way I am and live the life I have never liked or I can dig deep, look hard at my M, myself and my life and make some decisions. I'm choosing the latter. Some days I'm strong, other days I'm not.

For me, I know it is fear of the unknown that keep me making the decision to D. I'm trying to face those fears right now. Some days are easier than others for sure. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in your thinking. Keep posting, people here are so helpful.

There's a story that I've read dozens of times that basically says that you think you've got it bad until you listen to someone else's story.

I read your sig line and you have such small children. I'm really very sorry.

I've tried to think about the positives that my WH has and all I can think of is that he has beautiful eyes and a beutiful smile.

I have some issues of my own that I need to work on in order to heal and in order to be whole again. I have become a liar. I've done it for self preservation and conflict avoidance but, I hate the person that I've become. I hate that I could not talk w/my H about issues and be able to voice my opinion and have him take my thoughts seriously as a full partner in the relationship.

I hate that I did not take seriously the fact that he had an A when married to his first wife. I allowed him to paint a picture of a man who was wronged by his spouse. He told me that basically he had the A out of vindictiveness and a tit-for-tat situation. Why did that not raise a red flag for me?

He continues to have contact w/OW but I am supposed to leave my church b/c OM goes there. I had no R w/this man beyond occasional conversations in the parking lot before or after church. I haven't talked w/him in months. He has g/f but WH still says I can have him now. I can talk w/him in the open. I HAVEN'T BEEN TALKING TO HIM.

He wants to see my work phone bills and he can. I have nothing to hide except the calls made to and from a PI; don't want him to know that. He thinks he'll find phone calls to and from a man but he won't but, I found calls to and from women when I saw his. Got them offline but he found out and changed the code and took me off access to the account. Why if he doesn't have anything to hide?

I know I'm rambling. I am trying to talk myself into moving on and myself won't listen <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. I really believe this is the best thing to do. I really believe that the man I fell in love w/never really existed. I knew him for 7 months when I married him. He contiually pressured me about M until I gave in. Big mistake. I believe now that if I had truly taken the time to know him, I wouldn't have married him.

He's a real charmer. I've had many people tell me that most people think he's great until they get to know him and then they think he's a jerk.

I'm really scared of him and of what he will do as we move forward. I've really gotten myself into a mess w/this one and getting out won't be easy.