Just bumping this back up.

We see our MC tonight, and it always causes me anxiety. I get so tired of going each week and there is no progress.

I just don't know if my H is still in withdrawl, or why he can't decide what he wants to do.

Any advice?

bump -- I'll check back when I can wtr.

No offense, but did you read your husband's posts?

What did you think? Does this ring true?

So far this all seems to be about your husband and his porn. Any thoughts about anything else?

Regards,
rs0522

She said she read his posts. I sure didn't get the message that "this all seems to be about" her husband and his porn, though that was an obvious component of it.

There is a hefty dose of resentment.
There is his guilt/depression.
There is his distinct feelings of rejection _ thereby led to the porn from his perspective.
There is his concern regarding her escalated drinking.
There is the big problem of them discussing the affair on their date nights.
There is the lack of intimacy/connection between them.
There is his perception that he is unsafe revealing himself to her that is a symptom of their lack of intimacy and connection.
There is his references to her unresolved anger.

There is quite a lot here to work with before she's even had a chance to answer your question.

I will be back. I'm hoping that LovingAnyway will also come back to this thread.

No offense taken at all.

My views on the history of our marriage are a little different than his. I feel that there has been a lot of rewriting by him since the affair. There are things in his posts I would disgree with completely.

But porn was a huge issue in our marriage. From day one. It just took me a couple of years to find the truth. At this point, he seems to have lost all interest in the porn.

I am more worried about the affair. When we go to MC he says the affair was not a big deal. To him, it is just one of the problems in our marriage.

He talks about the porn, but during the time he was using it, he never wanted to leave me, never felt he didn't love me. But yes, it took a toll on our intimacy, which I am sure led the path to the affair.

It is since the affair that he thinks this marriage won't work, and has had a packed suitcase in his car for 3 months. So I think his feelings now are because of the affair. He doesn't agree.

I guess that is why I am still trying to figure out if he is in the fog.

Why doesn't he know what he wants?

10Swords,

Thanks for you reply.

We do have a lot of issues to work through, and Plan A just hasn't seemed to make a dent in them. We should be in recovery since we have had NC for 4 months, but it just isn't going that way.

I do want to clarify one thing. I actually laughed when I read it on his posts. I am not drinking! I have had a few more drinks than usual (which for me is none) at some social outings, but not 2-5 beers a night! I haven't had a beer at all in weeks - so please no one worry about my drinking!

And we don't discuss the affair on our date nights - I have no idea where that came from. We really don't talk about it at all anymore, except occasionally at MC. But there are times on our dates that I do try to talk with him in a more intimate way. He shuts me down at every conversation I try to have with him - and I only try about once a week. Our MC had suggested that talking about hard subjects in a restuarant is safer, it keeps it under control because it is in public. So that is the motivation for trying to engage him then.

But everthing else is a huge problem. He will not connect with me. He blocks any connection in every way he can. He told me last week that he doesn't want this marriage to end right now, but he is not doing anything to save it. I am trying to figure out what is keeping him on the fence.

And trying to figure out how to knock him off it!

Thanks for your help.

Because he is afraid. In fact he's terrified

-of a future paying for this mistake that he will never live down, that he thinks he can never be on equal footing again, that you will never get over it.

He's still idealizing the affair (he was safe and could talk to her about anything whereas he can't talk with you, he said) and that's because you aren't safe yet.

What was the motivation for your counselor suggesting talking about "heavy subjects" during your time out together.

I think that's simply a terrible idea. Your first concern right now needs to be having fun together and talking about light subjects. Heavy drama subjects are NOT part of plan A.

Sadly the onus is on us betrayed spouses to lure the wayward spouse back into our loving arms. The toughest thing you will ever do because of how much you hurt, and how much you may rather feel like chastizing and berating.

It's going to be a test of your love for him.

You know what? It really doesn't matter if he has re-written history and you have videotaped documentary proof. To refute his perception makes you "unsafe".

You don't have to come out and agree, but if you make him feel as if his perceptions don't count, if you make him feel like he's wrong, and if you make him feel like he's stupid, you are DISRESPECTFULLY JUDGING him. He is absolutely entitled to his perceptions even if they're flawed.

As long as you are shaking your head no when he tries to share his feelings he will never want to have a heart to heart talk with you.