hi ya pep!! long time...

ok, yes, i agree, i have a TERRIBLE habit of doing exactly what you are saying. i am soooo stubborn, yes, i discount positive stmts made about me and, as in this case, i doubt postive outcomes to the point of making those positive outcomes even less likely.
at least i am learning to reckognize it... "but, i would be wrong or at the very least, i would be sounding so dang defeatest and depressing (to you and worse, to me) so i prefer you convince me it is possible than me convince you it is not!!!"

ya know what is really frustrating??

at work i am the TOTAL opposite. I am the very last one to give up on figuring something out. that is why i have been so successful here, others will say "no way", i'll say "sure there is a way".

there are soooo many ways to solve problems and figure things out with computers. if one way does not work, just find another way. The harder the problem, the more i like it. the hardest challanges, the strangest/weirdest bugs, none of it intimidate me one bit. it only makes me more determined to find a solution.

that is why people ask me questions, i never turn them away, if i don't know, i figure it out with them, then they know and i've learned something new too. and i have fun while doing it, i don't get frustrated (ok, sometimes but not often). and when others look to be getting frustrated i let my sense of humor lighten them up.

i've been told by multiple bosses, that is one of my best qualities, not only to be not intimidated but that my enthusiasm helps others stay engaged.

then there is me in the non-work environment...

why can't i translate that same stuff to relationship with mike????

i believe i do with the kids. just not with mike.

mike = threat to your wall

wall = keep the bad feelings of vulnerability at bay

vulnerability = pain

attachment disorder does not effect casual relationships

just the more intimate ones

casual relationships = ones where you feel in charge of the menu

intimate relationship = danger

and what would you classify relationship with children?

16yr daughter (great relationship with), 12 yr son(fairly good relationship with)

relationship with children = non-parallel closeness

non-parallel?? clarify please.

for the record, i am not saying parent-child relationship is similar to spouse-spouse relationship. but i do think parent-child relationship is an intimate one.

.... not trying to be weird here

but
child / parent intimacy
is more similar to
owner / pet intimacy

one does not risk as much when they get close to their dog ...

when we risk intimacy with out spouse ... we risk being judged UNworthy

but NOT so much with our kids or our pets

KWIM?

husband & wife have parallel needs in intimacy when they get close

but parent & child have vastly different intimacy needs when they get close

pep, i have thoughts but reading is difficult and posting is nearly impossible, i am in lab, working a high priority problem, lots of people here, most just took a 5 min break, i have thouhght and i will post a response.

please check back later if you can. i really do appreciate your straight forward probing. i do believe what you are saying has much merit. i know i've thought that before too.

i really want to figure out how to get past this roadblock.

thanks pep.

hi, ok, i have thought and thought about everything posted here.

it turns out I have only one thing to say: I'll be buying a certain book today.

oh yeah, and Thanks.

I did not mean for this discussion to turn into anything heavy or weary.... this thread can be joyful if we want it to be ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

just see yourself from a distance for a second

you often ask a question in order to verify something you already seem to recognize in your heart

give yourself credit & slap yourself on the back

..... which book are you talking about?

Pep

.... never mind .... I figured out which book !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

*doh*

HNHN.

but i also googled "attachment disorder" and found some interesting things...

i don't always need heavy, i like light hearted too!!

but in this case, i think i needed heavy.

it's time pep, time for me to look at the next layer of damage due to childhood crap.

i did good looking at the stuff to do with my brother. (there is the slap on the back for myself)

and it has made a very positive difference in my life.

just time to keep going now.

p.s. Happy b-day again.

p.s.s. thanks for posting pep, i've missed your posts to me...

When you look at childhood chit....

do it with the intent of finding a tool for today

promise?

Pep

PS .... I thought we'd discussed RAD before !!!! If we did not ... my "oops" .... I thought I recognized RAD in you a long time ago

our oldest has RAD
his was severe
he's improving rapidly

I remember the day we realized what RAD was .... it was like the sun came from behind the clouds.

a movie about RAD is Good Will Hunting .... rent it & see how people improve ... the process is knowing & accepting & embracing ~~~> "It's not your fault"

sorry..... still EXTREMELY busy here...

yes i absolutely promise!!

you may have said this to me before pep, i may have not yet been in a position to absorb it, kwim?

i've seen good will hunting, i can't say i recognized myself in it. might be interesting to see it again...

Of course a DH would disagree. Your real H wouldn't allow anyone to treat you with such disrespect but look at what the WS is allowed t/d. That's why it is vital to demand respect. Stay away from the word love, use words like safe, caring, loyalty. Those words are harder to manipulate.

Example:

Ws: I love the OP
BS: How?
Ws: She makes me feel good about myself.

Ws: I make the OP feel safe
BS: How?
WS: Um....not sure.

WS: I care for the OP
BS: How?
Ws: Um.... not sure....

WS: I am loyal to the OP
BS: REALLY?!?!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Turn the tables:

BS: We need you to care for our family.
WS: I do.
BS: How?
WS: I'm here aren't I? I bring home $$
BS: Any guy can come here......as for the $$....there are other ways....... is that all you can do to show care for our family?

BS: We need you to make us feel safe
Ws: I do.
BS: How?
WS: I don't carry a gun.
BS: Wow....what other things do you do to make us feel safe?
WS: I don't know.
BS: Hm.......

BS: We need you to show loyalty to our family
Ws: Hm..... I can't right now.
BS: Well then our family needs to decide if u r worth keeping around. See u don't have t/b here to give us $$ and so far you haven't really said anything that shows you are bringing value to this family. Intead you are showing you can be replaced.

Now, this is similar to the convos I had with my then WS. It did more than shake his world. It was instrumental in breaking up the A. It took time though. The BS has t/b strong, determined and focued with a plan.

L.

Orchid,

I'm not sure you understand...

DH is the BH, I am the FWW.