my WH also wants a reconciliation. I told him i wanted a NC letter. but he says he's not ready to give that or even if he will do that. I beleive OW and WH are still in contact. I even suspect that an OC is in the way. That's why he can't get away from OW.

we have minimal contact since he sometimes talks to me on ym or text. I usually do not respond to him but sometimes i do. The people who have seen him lately (MIL, my sis) says he looks haggard and plain ugly. I think that's part of the consequence of what he has been doing.

it has gotten to the point when i doubt if i want him back. i'm really enjoying the peace in my life right now. i'm just worried that maybe when he does make a commitment that he really wants to come back to us, i wouldn't be interested anymore and i'd turn him away. How's that for ironic. But i also don't want to press him since i know the situation will just manifest itself again if he hasn't learned his lesson yet.

A refusal to write NC letter is an indicator. Sure he could write it and not mean it...but for me it was a symbol that he was ready to close that door and align himself w/me.

I never did a NC letter, because we weren't MBing, didn't know better. But I would have, I wouldn't have known where to mail it, but I would have stood on the corner with a sign declaring my committment to my family.

I almost see what you are saying about your WH being embarrassed to write a "don't call me ever again" letter to someone who may have dumped him. But, I think a letter to her and her husband declaring your WH's intention of never interferring with their marriage again, I think that would be appropriate.

Bottom line for me is, you don't feel safe, what is his plan to make you feel safe.

Kim,

We never did a NC letter either. But we didn't find MB until 6 weeks after D-Day and NC was already in place established. Didn't see any point vin stirring OM up again.

Worked for Us. My wife has never broken NC.

Ignoring the keyword, "here" for a moment......

I'd say the vast majority of marriages recovered from infidelity have done so without a NC letter.

This is pretty intuitive if you recognize that infidelity (and recovery) has been occuring for as long as monogamous relationships have, and MB'ers has been around for so brief a comparable time. Clearly, recovery can occur without a NC letter.

But! Why not take advantage of learned experience and a valuable tool?

People have been surviving automobile accidents for as long as cars have been around. But who in their right mind goes for a ride today without buckling their seatbelt? - a relatively recent addition of a valuable tool?

JMHO

WAT
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Immigaytion - far right conservatives' two-pronged fear strategy - "It's two, two...! Two horrors in one!!"

The real issue is..he wants to reconcile on his terms..and you want to cave because you want relief.

It's your choice..but the prognosis is not good.

WS refusal to agree to formal NC is holdout..for what we [you] don't know.

Also in the moral majority ... we did not do a NC letter. But I also didn't ask for one.



When the A ended ... H and I switched phones for the day, until all numbers could be switched, gave me all the passwords for everything. I monitored viciously for the first couple months .. never found anything. Became less and less investigative over the next year .. never found anything.

Eventually, I just decided I couldn't be married to someone I had to police 24/7. It's not in my character. If he was going to break NC, and continue the A .. he's grown, that was his choice.

Now... I can go for several months without even looking at a cellphone bill, or email account. In the last few times I checked sporadically, I didn't find anything out of wack...so whatever he HAS done, has worked...or maybe some of it is my own emotional acceptance of the situation.

But I'm with everyone else..if you're paying for the advice...follow it.