We'll PLAN from there...try to come up with a different solution...

We will STAY IN THE BATTLE..IN THE FIGHT...

Okay so sometime today if he comes over, I will make every attempt not to LB then hopefully I can catch him before he leaves and ask him if he will move out. That sound good?

By the way, I'm washing his clothes now, (prepared either way, this can be seen as an act of love or as an act of being prepared if he agrees to move out).

He wants you to BE MAD at him about being gone..

Remaining UNEMOTIONAL with him is part of the BATTLE STRATEGEY...

Remain calm and alert...keep your thinking cap on... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess then I should consider myself lucky that Son stole my truck because I can channel my anger there

Will he work with you on dealing with your son?
I'm not focusing on the particulars right now but..sounds like you son needs to go.

Maybe change your thread name to NEED HELP WITH A PLAN...or something rather than Critiquing PLAN B LETTER...

You need some sort of PLAN before giving the letter, my opinion...

Okay you great MB's I need all help I can get. Pull out the stops and tell me like it is. Where to go, what to do, I'm listening. I'm about at my wit's end and I think I'm draining the energy of those have that been helping me so far.

Situation in a nutshell is:

Me (wife) 45
WH 54
Married 25 years
2 grown sons - both back at home living
OW is 29 and single
I have already exposed H came home for a while and now he has been gone for 2 nights again. OW filed Order of Protection on me, saying she was scared of me, I never threatened her, went to court, but due to unforseen circumstances, My attorney and I are taking this to Civil Court. (I'm sure this is why H is not home) he wanted me to not even go to the Order of Protection Court. I don't know if the OW has been summoned yet but timing would be about right for her to have been and then boom H is gone. I don't know if he's with her again but without a doubt I believe there is at least phone calls and e-mails. I'm not going to discount if they are seeing each other, I just have to way to prove it for now.

Anxously waiting to hear your thoughts, suggestions, and ideas.

When our son was in jail last week, H and I actually were talking pretty darn good. Now also remember though this was before I filed some papers to take OW to court.

On Thursday, H emailed me a link to a new motorcycle that just came out, I had been talking about how nice it would be for us to ride together and how I wanted a three-wheeler to start with. The link was to a 3 wheeler.

On top of that he had also commented about how nice it would be to trailer the bikes someplace to ride. (This part was on Wednesday)

Then Friday I get an email from him thanking me for a link I sent him to someone he likes that will be in concert here soon and also said he was going to take our son to shoot some pool and would probably just drop him off after that. Which is exactly what he did. Dropped off our son and left. That was my only clue that he wasn't coming home.



I agree however H has always been the enabler and won't help with getting our son out of the house. I tried to get H to agree to us working together to get both of our sons out of the house starting with the oldest one first, even if this meant financially helping them for a bit, but he wouldn't agree to it.


Going to change the thread name next. I thought I had a Plan. I was working Plan A and actually doing pretty good I thought till this Order of Protection stuff occurred. Even after the Court date H and I were getting along great. Of course at that point he knew nothing about the other papers I filed.

H actually commented about a week ago how he was impressed with the changes I made around here (meaning the house was much cleaner) course he complained that I took over the bedroom (his words) even though I have made it clear he's welcome back to OUR room anytime he wants.

So as you can see the POOR ME...I AM THE VICTIM...RESCUE ME routine..works for her...

Sounds like PLAN A is being effective....

It's the standard rollercoaster ride, Loving...

I'm saying that you continue to PLAN A...which your PLAN has been great...

But now you must PLAN for an EFFECTIVE PLAN B...

Just when I think things can't get worse, low and behold they do. Son just got home, his face swollen from fighting, said he didnt' take my truck but knows who might have. So that means that someone was in my house, came in my bedroom and took my keys. (I don't buy that part). I think son originally took my truck then something went wrong from there.

The police have been called.

Plan A is for you to better yourself, correct? Well, don't just Plan A your WH, Plan A your son. It can't hurt!

Praying for you...let us know how things turned out.

Yesterday I had H change the locks on all the doors. I also had him take me to the grocery store since I have no transportation now. H dropped me off at home and said he would be back to leave me his car and he was going to drive our son's car. I told H I was scared to be in the house.

Son's face is totally messed up. Truth came out, he took my car went over someones house. Long story from here on what happened so not going to go into details, but it involves some pretty serious charges against the one who beat my son up. Son will need to have his jaw wired shut today. His jaw is broke.

In the meantime, I have no vehicle, (son's reply to this, is oh well you will wind up with a new vehicle) when insurance pays off. I guess this is his way of trying to justify his actions. No, I will not wind up with a new vehicle. I will wind up with another one, but not a new one because I'm not making payments on another vehicle. We just paid this one off in April. This was how I wound up with the vehicle that was just taken. My last car son stole and totaled and H took the money insurance paid and put it as down payment on the truck I had.

H was suppose to come back last night and leave me his car and he was going to drive our son's car. Later on that night H called, not sure why. I again repeated that I was scared to be in the house (who ever has my truck, now knows my address). I asked H if he was coming back for the night, his reply, "We'll see". Well he never came back and I slept on a bedspread downstairs on the floor because I am scared that someone may come up and I won't hear them.

So let's see, current status of myself, totally disgusted with my H that he never came back even after he knew I was scared. (HOW COLD IS THAT)? I don't even know this man anymore. I am emotionally and physically drained. I am so tired of my son and just plan disgusted with my H.

It must be nice that H has a place to escape to. A peaceful escape while I am here trying to deal with everything going on. One comment H made was that son was "ruining" his life. I don't see how H can look in the mirror and think of himself as a man. A man doesn't run off and desert his wife especially when he knows she is scared due to what is going on.

Last night after H and son were both gone (not together) my nephew, his wife and 3 kids, my oldest son, my grandson and the guy who lives across the street and his son were just hanging around here and I fixed spaghetti. IT was the most pleasant time I had in I don't know how long. Once they left though is when my fear set in. Yes my oldest son and grandson are here, but that doesn't stop me from being scared. I guess I wanted to feel loved and protected by H.

The guy from across the street is one that I was hoping would have an impact on H since he talks to H pretty often when H is working in the garage. He knows what's going on between H and I. Anyway, he told me he would try to get H to go shoot some pool with him sometime and have a beer or two and try to become someone that my H can talk to. He even commented that that H and I get along so much better when son isn't around and he can tell that son has created a lot of problems in our marriage. I've been saying this for years.

I just wanted to give an update because there have been so many that have tried to help me but I don't think there is any help in my situation. I'm going to have to just try to make it day-by-day and pray to see the next day without my son bringing more violence into my life.

I don't even have a place that I can look at anymore as my "Safe Haven" also known as a home.

My son and H I think are to far gone (different dirrections) for me to have an impact on either one of them. I know before this is all over something very serious is going to happen to my son.

Whoa.....sorry to hear you are getting a double whammy in hurt. Despite all you said and requested, the WS still stayed out? Hm.... very telling.

I can feel your anger now you need to channel it so that all this extra adrennaline will be put to good use.

The WS changed the locks and left you his car. Good. Use them. Are you gonna let him back in as is? Or what do you need him (ws) to show you so he can be welcomed in your home? You have a place of value and all your family members must respect the home and it's occupants.

As for your wayward son.....he's got that lesson to learn also. Seems he likes to explain away his troubles by minmizing his actions. Sounds like a WS in the making. Not good. You may do well to plan B him. Is he still a minor?

How long will he be in the hospital?

L.

Orchid,

Here are the answers to your questions:

Funny, I'm really not angry I'm scared, frustrated and in disbelief. I'm more the type to internalize a lot of the pain, or cry over it. That is why I find it so unbelieveable that the OW said she was scared of me.

NO H hasn't left car yet. He was supposed to bring it over last night, hasn't yet. I think he will sometime this morning though.

As far as H coming home, I had asked the attorney about a week ago when she told me not to leave the house when I wanted to move out, how long someone would have to be considered gone for me to change the locks, and H is quickly approaching that time. The man I am married to now is NOT the one I want back. I don't even like who he is right now.

I am not even sure at this point that H will be able to repair the damage his actions have caused to me. Currently none of his actions shows that he even wants to so for now that's not an issue. Honestly though, I would know if H was serious about wanting to work on our marriage by the look in his eyes and his actions.

Son is 21 and the only way to legally get him out is by evicting him. Which H won't go along with doing. H's name is on the deed also so I can't do it by myself.

Part of my original Plan was for me to move out and go completly dark on H and S. Then after much consideration I felt that Plan B would have the biggest impact on H if I stayed in the house (and he can't get to his toys, and it winds up costing him more money due to the mortgate payment) it's become one of those damn if you do and damn if you don't. If I stay here then I have to continue to deal with son. I'd feel safer someplace else, but have less likelyhood of salvaging this marriage if I move.

Last night H withdrew so many points from his love bank that I'm not even sure what I feel for him anymore. He has become less of a man in my eyes now. As you can see from his reaction about leaving me here H is very much the conflict avoider.

Son is not IN the hospital. He went to the emergency room and they are the ones that told him that is jaw is broken and gave him a phone number of a doctor to call today to have the jaw wired shut. From what I read on the internet this frequently requires an over night stay in the hospital then a 4 - 6 week recovery time.

I think I'm going to go for a walk. I can't just sit here.

Try to get this, Loving.

Your WH is like a CRACK ADDICT.

He is ADDICTED to the OW and NOTHING ELSE..NOTHING ELSE matters to him other than getting the HIGH that she produces.

The more problems he has..the more that he can justify to himself being with her.

It is a temporary insanity.

How do I know?

I lived it.

Your H sounds absolutely no different than my H.

Once withdrawn from the OW..my H is basically a sane person again...but treated me and our sons horrendously when in his affair..stayed gone many weekends without calling..and when home instigated arguments in order to justify leaving...that's just glossing over how horrible it was..I don't even want to think about it..YICK....

This is just to tell you that your situation is NOT ATYPICAL..again, I say, many FWSes on this board could vouch for how they became insane...and the awful things that they did...

Dealing with infidelity is a LIVING NIGHTMARE..sad but true..

This does not help take away your pain, I know.

But this may help you with your planning.

Yes, PLAN B is necessary for you to get away from him.

How about that option of telling him that you will assist him in leaving WITH YOUR SON..I know this probably won't work....



Are you sure about this? It is not your son's house. Even though your H's name is on the deed, this does not mean that you have to get his sanction to arrange for your son to leave. Your son is not a renter who has signed a lease...so you don't really have to EVICT him, per se..Do you?

My last question is: What would be the legal consequences for you if you were to leave? You mentioned that your lawyer said this is not recommended. Isn't there a way to indicate that you had no other choice...that you live in fear?

I agree with you that something has to be done for you to protect yourself from this stuff both physically and emotionally.

Loving,

I have been following your posts for some time. My whole being is screaming- plan B plan B!!!

IMO- I think any further exposure to your H wayward ways is going to create irreversable damage. Contact your lawyer and get a legal separation. You have got to seperate yourself from this nightmare if you want there to be anything left to recover.

I am so sorry for you! Your H-It amazes me how someone could be so cold and insensitive.

Your son- I would get advice from your lawyer on how to get him out. He needs to start suffering real consequenses. He stole your truck- he throws parties at YOUR home, he has no respect for you. He needs to go - like YESTERDAY.

If I were you, I would just leave. Leave it all, do a COMPLETELY dark plan B on both H and son, and take care of yourself, Loving. Sounds like noone else is worried about your well-being.

Consult your Attny, but I would leave the house unless you can get both H and son out within the week! Really.

It kills me to hear about everything you are going through, there is only so much one person can take.

Keep praying- trust God to help you through these next steps, and change your focus from H and son to you!

Sorry- I am no MB expert- but I could not stay silent any longer.

((((((((((((((((((loving)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I have a question and once I receive a few opinions I will go back and say why. First I might have a drink a drink once a year if that, so I have no knowledge on what I'm about to ask.

How can you tell if someone is an alcholic (sort of a closet alcholic)? I'm not even sure there is such a thing.

I basically agree with Liz...

Don't worry about the alcoholism stuff if this is regarding your WH right now...

His primary addiction is to the OW...

Good idea about consulting your attorney on the best way for you to move away from them...

Unless you can find a way for both of them to leave...with consultation from your attorney..

Loving-

If you know you are not an alcoholic- then you should not be focused on that right now, because the focus needs to be on yourself, and how to get started on plan B. This is ALL you need to spend your energy on until you are in an active PLAN B.

Please change the name of your post back so that you can get the most advice possible about starting and maintaining plan B.

PS- Just to ease your mind- alcoholics cannot stop with just one drink. If you drink to get drunk, and alcohol affects your life negatively- good chance you are an alcoholic.

Now- let's refocus!! You've got a lot to do......

Have you called your lawyer?

First, thank you Thorstein, Mimi, Orchid and Liz. You are helping me more than I can say because often I get so sidetracked with other things come up that I loose focus on what I should be doing.

Thorstein, as bad as this may sound, I can't Plan A my son (at least not right now). Definatly with him I need a Plan B.

Now since it looks like I will be having to go to Plan B (H and S) I will do my best to at least take ONE step a day in working towards that and also try to do at least ONE Positive thing for myself. Right now I can't make the commitment to take more than the one step. I think I'm just to drained to think about more then one thing at a time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Plan B Steps

Monday's Pre Plan B Step - Contact insurance company and get my rental car set up. Luckily I do have rental car insurance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This way I won't be dependent on H for the use of his car.

I'm not sure what positive thing I will do for me yet but I will do something than post it.

Am I heading in the right direction on things to do? If I'm off base or if there is anything further you think I should do please tell me.