I like this approach, Loving...

I've been following your thread. I think you are going in the right direction. With your son's problems it has complicated things for you even more. Its difficult to focus w/all this chaos around you. Babysteps one thing at a time. YOUR safety is the most important thing.

I think plan B is in your best interest.
Who were you thinking about with the alcohol issues? Your son?

ChaCha,

Not sure about the alcholic issue. I am driving H's car until I can get a rental car and in his car I found a book from Alcoholics Anonymous. I had noticed for a few months now especially since discovering the a that H had been drinking more. I had recently started secretly trying to keep track of how many 6 packs were being brought into the house. One week there were 3 six packs, but I still didn't put much stock into it because I wasn't sure how many were drank by him and how many by our son.

I do know that when H does anything that he feels is wrong he tends to do it secretatively. For example prior to our marriage he was what I refer to as a closet smoker. Meaning he never smoked in public and his family never knew he smoked.

Since I don't really know H's schedule anymore since discovering the affair, and he is paid on salary I'm not sure if he has missed any work days or not. I would seriously doubt it though.

H was actually the man at one point that would drink Non Alcoholic beer then he switched over to reg beer but would limit it to one a night. So the amount of his drinking has definatly increased. I've never seen him falling down drunk type of thing, just angry a lot.

It just blew me away to find this book in his car. I looked inside the book, (it looks to be like a book you would actually get from AA). Big thick blue book, duplicate of the one that is on website. No library card in the back so it's not a library book. Anyway there was a small bookmark inbetween the pages where it looks like someone has read the book up to that point. I haven't had a chance to read to see if that area has any particular importance that I can think of or if it's just simply where someone started at the front of the book and just read their way through it.

In regards to our son, Yes our son drinks, but his issues are more along the lines of drug abuse.

I called the insurance company yesterday to see about a rental car, and found out it's on a reimbursement basis and there is a 48 hour wait period before I can get a car if I'm approved.

Now get this, they are saying they are not sure I will qualify since my son had access to my keys. Of course he had access to my keys, he lives in the same house. It wasn't like I left the keys on the table or out in the open. They were in my room on a key ring attached to my purse. Where the hack was I suppose to leave my keys at if not in my house? As the police officer said it's not theft when my son took my truck, in our state it's considered a breech of trust. I still see it as theft. So it looks like I may wind up having to battle with the insurance company now. (Does this EVER end)?

H was at the house for about 2 hours last night, NO idea why. All he did was talk to the neighbor and play his guitar. I didn't have much to say to H at all. He didn't even say bye or anything when he left. Oh well, it's actually easier when he's gone to some extent. Plus I may as well start getting use to him not being around. (This sure isn't going to be easy though. It was like I missed him even more last night. Maybe because I know the # of times I will be seeing him are like ticking down because when I go to Plan B, then it gets down to 0 until and unless he is willing to work on our marriage.)

Last night just to do something for myself, I bought and icee and went to a small pond on the golf course and just sat and worked on a crossword puzzle. I didn't really enjoy it but I'm not sure that right now there are many things I would enjoy doing. However I will continue to do one thing a day for myself.

Today's Plan - Individual Therapy starts today. It's been two weeks since I have seen the counselor and the last time I saw him was for MC'g. So much has happened since then. I don't know that I will have the strength or energy to do much after that. They are very draining for me and I wind up crying a lot.

There had been a few days there for a bit where I wasn't crying and now it's like everyday is becoming worse and I'm crying even more.

Not much more to say this morning, I just hope I am heading in the right direction.

What did your H have to say about your son and the truck?



I agree so much with YOUR THINKING about all of this. You seem in much better shape than I was at the point where you are. You are a WISE WOMAN, Loving.

The individual therapy should really be helpful for you. I used my IC mainly for SUPPORT and for ADVICE on how to deal with the day to day issues.



What about an antidepressant? That really helped me with the crying spells and seemed to help me THINK more clearly...

His first response to our son was for son to get out and not come back.

Later response was "son is ruining H's life"

Additional comments I have heard was "Some people sadly never change"

Said to son "You stole my truck"


In all honesty Mimi, I'm a quivering mess of jellyfish. I put up a much braver front than I really am. The minute someone ask me how I'm doing, I start crying.

If I was that wise I would have seen all of this coming before I was hit upside the head with it.


I thought about anti-depressants even though they scare me to death. Last time I was on them, I had suicide thoughts and actually tried to follow through on those thoughts. In additon at one time I was having to take 11 pills a day (it seemed like everytime he would prescribe me one thing he would have to give me something else to counteract the side effects.

I did call my counselor about them and his reply was for me to call the insurance company. I don't remember why I was to call the insurance company except if it was like last time to get a referral to someone that does do the anti - depressants. That was just one more thing that was to much for me to deal with. Sometimes what seems the easiest things I should be doing, is just more than I can handle.

Individual Counseling session went well yesterday. No Tears, just filled the counselor on what has been going on since that last visit which was with H and I. I am not going to go on AD's yet, but keeping the option open should I change my mind.

I am sticking with my plan of doing 2 things per day. (1 towards preperation of Step B and 1 thing for myself.)

Yesterday I rented a P.O. Box, which I figure can be used for mail from my attorney.

I had my nephew, his wife and kids over, grandson, and believe it or not both of my sons. We grilled out, and almost everyone went swimming. I had a very nice time. My nephew in his younger days went through a lot of the things my youngest is going through so he is going to try to be a mentor to my youngest and try to help turn his way of thinking around. We both know it has to start with my son wanting to and he's not there yet. I'm just going to hope for the best and continue to let God protect my son.

My goals today are to contact the cable company and find out how much I can save per month if I cut back to basic cable. H's gonna have a fit because the only reason we had the other channels was so H could watch racing. I figure if I'm paying everything around the house except the mortgate then I need to cut corners where I can.

The personal goal for myself today is to do at least 4 assignments for class (they are due on Sunday). If I can do more then 4 that's a bonus but 4 is my minimum goal.

I just wish I would stop waking up in the middle of the night and looking outside to see if H's car is in the driveway. I miss the man I married so much.

I felt so great last night, now this morning, I'm feeling so scared and lonely. Yet I know at the same time I don't want my H back the way he is now. I do want the man I married back.

I don't think I have the strength that so many others on this board have. I'm trying to take today minute by minute and having a tough time doing that.

How did others that have been in the same situation get through the days?

Babysteps...taking it day by day...hour by hour...minute by minute...prayer...MB (not necessarily in that order depending on the day!)

You are not alone...you will get through this and be better for it which ever way it turns out.

My stomach is so in knots. I know H will be over tonight since he took our son to the dr. It's so hard to see him anymore.

Darn it, I miss the man I married so much. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and have the man I married return. Or if I could even have a crystal ball that would show me the future. I honestly don't see H ever returning.

I don't want to sound so pessisimmistic (spelling?) but I'm scared that this is the end for H and I. My hope is fading and even though I try to appear calm and in control on the outside it's all just an act. I am really trying though.

I know that I don't want and wouldn't accept how our marriage was, but I know that together him and I could accomplish anything in the world together.

I hear people say all the time, it's not about him anymore, to do things for myself, heck I don't even know who I am anymore. After 25 years with H it's so hard to vision a life without him. I'm not even living, I'm simply existing. I don't even let H see me cry anymore. I don't want him thinking that I can't live without him. Somehow I will manage to but wish I didn't have to.

I am so scared of loosing him, yet I know right now I don't have him. How can someone walk away from a marriage and think only of themself?

Please forgive me for being so down in the dumps. I'm trying to learn to move on but it's going to take me a while.

H never came by tonight since a son had a friend of his take him to the Dr. While I have to admit I was disappointed I to some degree was relieved. I'm not sure that makes much sense.

Anyway, I should get a rental car sometime this week, I just need to call the insurance company back and try to re-negotiate the $$$ amount they are willing to pay per day.

I have also gone over my finances and I don't see any way possible to do a Plan B until the end of Sep. As long as I can hold on and continue I will still be working Plan A but planning for Plan B should it become necessary.

God how I love that man I married. Funny sometimes we don't realize how much or how deep our love is for someone until there comes a time we may loose them.

So in the mean time, please share with me what worked for you in Plan A and steps you took in preparing for Plan B.

I think you might need some anti-D's. I got to the point where I was walking around like a zombie. I could barely go to work, let alone do anything productive.

Let's see, in Plan A, I did a lot of things around the house - cleaned it sparkling, got it organized, painted, did a garden, rearranged everything, detailed the car, started a business, joined a women's bible study, exercised, and let everyone I knew, know that I wanted to get out and do things.

I had to keep busy, because my WH was living with OW, and just dropping by for 5 minutes every couple of weeks. So essentially, Plan B was an easy transition.

Oh, Loving:

I find myself at a loss of what to say to you.

You have come closest, I think, to sounding and feeling just like I did at your point.

I guess it's having been married for so long...and having had a good relationship sometime prior to the A..loving your H so much....

I don't have any magic answers for you. I struggled. I did everything that I could think of to stay busy like Believer told you. I finally at times just gave into the SUFFERING and then I prayed.

I have lots of faith and I was able to turn it over to God. I prayed and prayed and read Scriptures alot....

I will keep on thinking...and praying for you...

Loving, you sound like me about 1.5 yrs ago...I was a mess. I could barely function, break into tears over a song, anything could set me off. In the very beginning I plan A'd wrong, it was the desperated doormat plan A. I did everything I could think of that would make HIM happy HIM the stupid alien that took over my H's body. Then I found MB.

I recognized that I was depressed...I didn't want to go on meds (not that they are bad but it was something I didn't want to do.) So I came up w/ a plan more for my depression (at 1st because I realized that was VERY unattractive) but it ended up being my plan A. I developed a routine for myself w/ guidance from www.flylady.net I got dressed everyday from my hair to my shoes. I did physical activity. My concentration was very poor so I only did things for 15 minutes at a time. (Still works for me!) I stopped watching TV and listening to radio...listened to CD's that didn't remind me of WH. I came up with short term goals...projects around the house...identified things I enjoyed doing...found friends to do them with...circled the wagons and developed a support system on MB and in RL. I did most of my venting on MB.

I journaled in the form of letters to my H...someday maybe I'll share them w/him. Thats where I put my anger and dispair. I tried to see WH separately from the man that I married. I had to stop expecting the same reaction from both. I opened my own checking account, I gathered financial info, insurance info, cell phone bills, found a PI, found a lawyer.

Since I never knew when WH would come home (he never stayed out all night) but he would come home late for dinner, come home late from meetings. I would cook and have dinner ready at a 6PM whether he was there to eat it or not. I stopped waiting up for him. Turned the lights off and locked up the house. (previously I would wait up for him...eating the whole time..yuck!)

He left breifly after D-day...I did not follow the advice given I didn't go into plan B. I let him home too soon without good boundaries. Even though it seems we are on the right track now I do wonder if I had followed the advice I was given last year and done a strong plan B THEN we would be well into recovery NOW. Instead of just starting the process. I know I can't change what I did but I certainly try to share it so someone else can benefit from it.

This is my experience...you have more complications...you need your own plan...I think you are on the right track and as much as we want it there is no quick fix.

(((loving_him)))))

ETA...I prayed for me, my kids, my WH, OWH, OW kids and even OW. I prayed a lot! and Thanked God for every day I made it through

LH,

I have to go back to my first mentor in recovery - she didn't know she was my mentor back then... but I watched HER handle recovery with a very centered "I AM!" and then tack on the 2nd part of the sentence with "worthy of respect" "deserving of respect", "beautiful", "the mother of his children", etc. and every other affirmation she could think of to remind herself that every time he treated her like dirt or worse - ignored her humanity - like she was a piece of furniture or a nuisance pet (who just happened to be pregnant with his child)... Well - I hope you get my meaning.

If you remember your homework - begin with the end in mind... Your only job tonight is to get some sleep, followed by some early morning cardio. That is all. No handling your son's problems, your husband's issues, or even your issues. Melt this down to the beginning of a long healing path to happiness. But you must start by nurturing your body and your soul. You cannot build with a broken body!

Shut out any thought, any person who deters you from this focus. Their selfish demands are of no importance to you. Don't suggest alternatives. Just say NO! (Cloud and Townsend wrote a book called Boundaries - which in the beginning of my personal recovery from my husband's emotional entanglement with a recovery-buddy from his 12 step group... I learned to tell this woman "NO" - this woman who pretended with her words to love me, to be my friend... I became empowered to tell her "NO" and when she argued with me, that was when I knew her love declarations were lies.

And since your husband and your sons are anything but loving to you right now, do not delude yourself into thinking that anything you do AT YOUR EXPENSE will be appreciated by hatefilled, self-loathing creatures such as the men in your home.

If you do not take care of you no one will. And once they (your husband and sons) come back from the alien-mind, or if they never come back, you must be whole! You deserve to live! And live well! A tear-jerker movie called Sweet Charity - is where a woman thinking she was nothing, and then learned she actually was a valuable human being, worthy of love ends with her alone... and the caption says, "And she lived hopefully ever after". Focus on that! No matter what the ending is to this chapter of your life.

A good meditation resource is "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz - read it after you sleep tonight and exercise tomorrow a.m. - it's short - 140 pages long, and well spaced typeset at that; put it into practice as you eat some sliced fruit, some fresh or steamed vegies, and chicken. Stay away from the caffiene or alcohol. You've had a toxic habitation for a while with your husband's drama and your sons' drama... You need to detox. lots of water, fresh whole foods, exercise. meditation. Then you will know if you need antidepressants.

Promise me that you will do this starting tonight!

Believer, MiMi, ChaCha and Kayla,

Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate them so much. I think between dealing with H, the affair, the disbelieve of what has happened to my marriage and my boys it's just all more then I can deal with right now.

I'm going to take some time away from here and just try to manage to get by for a few days. Today, I have nothing left in me and I need to find a way to recoup. Tomorrow my son has surgery and I have to find a way to deal with that.

God Bless you all and thank you for everything.

Loving:

Hope you are listening.

I made some of my BIGGEST MISTAKES when I left the Forum.

Evil forces may be encouraging you to leave here. That's my belief..hope not to offend.

When I left, my WH was able to play his MIND GAMES with me. I would buy into stuff he was telling me...

Folks on here kept me on track...in the REAL WORLD instead of in the ALIEN WORLD...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Sort of as an aside, not meaning to hurt you, Loving...

But, IMO, this style may prevent you from getting help that you may need...

You hollered out to us in distress..some of us came running..and then you back away....

This may be just my issue..I own that...

MiMi,

I am so sorry that maybe I worded things wrong. I will be back I just need a few days to try to find some strength to coninue this fight. In the mean time I am just going to try to be at my son's side while he faces surgery tomorrow.

I understand now, Loving.

Sending out my Best Wishes and Prayers to you and your family...

Update over the last few days,

Thursday

Nephew and his family spent several hours here Thursday evening. We grilled out and swam for a bit. It was great. I had a lot of fun. Even managed to toss my newphew in the pool when he wasn't expecting it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I ran in the house so he couldn't toss me back in. I know my time will come sometime he will find a way to get even. I'll just have to stay on guard when we are outside.

Youngest son said he was going outside to talk to his dad, I didn't even know H was here. Anyway, when nephew and family leave I walk them outside and walked over to son to let him know what time we had to leave in the morning for the hospital. All ****** broke loose then, H was furious with me (nothing new, he's always mad at me it seems). I guess the OW had to hire a lawyer to represent her in court for the counter on the Order of Protection that I have filed. Poor thing, I feel sorry for her on this. NOT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

However I can honestly say, I don't feel rengeful or want to hurt her. If anything I feel sorry for her that she was / is willing to accept H the way he is now. I guess the OW must have kicked him out of her apartment for a few days because he has been here the last two nights. I still think if she calls or he begs enough they will be back together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I guess he thinks our home has a swinging door on it where he can come and go as he likes. I hope he enjoys it because it won't be like this forever.

H threated to take the car away that I'm driving (it's in his name) I told him I could care less, to take it if he wants. He didn't but the threat just infuriated me. Since I can't depend on him not talking the car at some point, I now have a rental car.

We had quite a few words with each other that night. I'm to the point that if the way H is now or continues to be the way he was during the last year of our marriage, then I don't want him. I deserve better. Yes, I still love the man I married, but not the one he is now. Is this normal?

I told H I wasn't going to beg him to come back and that the person he is now, is not the person I married. (yeah LB'r I know). I guess I'm just tired of his running back to her and leaving me to deal with everything here. I guess I'm learning that I count for something now. I will continue to invite H to do things with me if I'm going someplace, if he doesn't want to go then I will go without him.

H still says he's not ready to work on us today, tomorrow or the next day but he can't predict beyond that. His wedding band is off again. It use to bother me but now, my thoughts are if he's not willing to work on us then he doesn't deserve to wear it. I do absolutely NO relationship talk with H.

Friday

Took me about 30 minutes to get son up to go to the hospital but he managed to finally get up and we were on our way. He is to have his jaw wired shut from when it was broke the night he took off with my truck and was "truck jacked". We got to the hospital at 9 a.m. and finally made it home at 8:00 p.m.

I guess H didn't think son would appreciate him being at the hospital because he never showed up. I called him twice at work to give him updates on son.

This might be kinda nice to not have to listen to son's angry outburst. His jaw is suppose to be wired for approx 6 weeks. I know my son well enough though to know he will wind up cutting them out at some point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good news though oldest son got approved for housing assitance so hopefully him and grandson will be moving out soon. I love them both but it's time for oldest son to be on his own.

Saturday

Nothing much going on today. Oldest son and I went shopping for some more summer clothes for my grandson. We drove by a few places that accept the rental vouchers.

I came home and gave my H the keys to his car and told him I have a rental car. I think he was surprised that I got the rental. Now he can't threaten me with taking his car away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have 4 school assignements due by midnight tomorrow so that will keep me busy for a bit. I'll get them done though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I invited H to go shoot some pool, his reply was, "I don't know". I expected that answer so I was't surprised and I didn't comment on it. Later tonight I plan on getting out and doing something.

I'm kinda stuck on what I should be doing now as far as how I should be acting around H so I guess I'm doing nothing. I know this isn't a good thing to do.

Any suggestions on how I should act around him or what I should be doing?