I've been following current threads about POJA and exposure and have been doing a lot of soul-searching recently. D-day was Sept. 05 (I confessed) and OM's W does not know.

Since then, H and I have been through counseling (both IC and MC, for which we were "graduated") and things have been going very, very, well. H and I have had many talks about telling OM's W, and he feels very strongly that it's none of our business and he doesn't want anything to do with OM or his family. H wants/wanted very few details about OM and the A, and I think this makes him feel safe. I've respected his request but have struggled... we haven't talked about it in months.

Since D-day, OM has stalked me on a weekly basis. He parks in parking lots, parks, near my house, etc to make himself visible to me. Sometimes he flashes his lights, waves, etc. but I ignore him. He still persists though. He caught me off guard in January and I had a 5 minute talk with him that H knows about. Since then, he continues the behavior and eventhough I ignore him, I think I haven't fully withdrawn from the A because I see him so frequently. H told me he doesn't want to know when I see OM unless he does something "different", so he has no idea the frequency in which I see OM.

To make a long story short, OM got a new truck and I didn't recognize it and he caught me off guard again last week. He told me he quit his job (I really think he was asked to leave) and was going to work back home (one and a half hours from where I live.) It was his last day in town.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but when he told me I burst out crying. I don't know what came over me. We talked for about a half an hour and he told me how I was still his soulmate, he was planning for our future, his W was a horrible ***** and would I leave for Cancun with him this weekend? Eventhough I was overcome with emotion (I think it was due to the realization of the finality of it all) I told him absolutely not, my plans were to stay married to my H and move next year (H is going to school in another state.) I also apologized for having an inappropriate relationship with him and I was sorry for hurting his family. He looked at me like I had two heads.

Here's the awful part... I did not tell H. I think it's because I cried, which I did not expect, and didn't want to admit to H. I knew OM was leaving town so he was out of my life for good. I've been struggling so terribly though... especially after what happened to Suzet and Kiwi J... I couldn't believe it was also happening to me.

When I got home today I decided to end it once and for all. H isn't home so I wrote OM's W a letter and created a package. I had thrown away everything OM had given me except a couple of things. He had been awarded some honors in the military that he was very proud of, and had given them to me. After D-day I did not want them anymore, but they were very important to OM and it didn't feel right throwing them away. I thought one day I would send them back to him, but I decided to send them to OM's W. This is the letter I wrote:

Dear OMW,

I am returning these because they do not belong to me.

I am deeply, deeply sorry to both you and your family.

OM, I hope you understand that this was done with the best of intentions.

I hope the book is helpful to you both.

Katie Mae

I enclosed my copy of SAA.

H will be home in one hour. I have to tell him, and I feel absolutely sick about it. Did I do the right thing? I think I did, but H was SOOOO dead set against telling OMW. I'm also scared to admit I talked to OM, but I have to. I really think this is an important part of our recovery.

Thank you to Suzet and Kiwi J for sharing your stories. Your honesty and the honesty of those who responded to you have helped me a great deal.

I just hope I did the right thing for my M.

(((Katie Mae)))

I can only imagine how hard this is for you.

I admire your honesty.

You are so right that the OMW needed to know. Just the fact that he continued to stalk you for this length of time really shows how important no contact is.

I know hind sight is 20-20, but his stalking might have been stopped if you had notified his wife sooner.

I'll say a prayer that your husband will be understanding as to why you did it.

Have you had him read here?

H will not read here... he thinks it's too Christian. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I've occassionally bookmarked posts for him to read, but he's never looked at them. He read SAA after D-day.

I also wish I had told OMW sooner. When I spoke to OM in January, H and I talked again about exposing to her, but he decided he was still dead set against it.

H is very sensitive and introverted. He also thinks that people should mind their own business, as we should mind ours. H grew up in a very unstable alcoholic household, and I think that is where this comes from.

Thank you for your words of encouragement... my stomach is in knots right now.

Come back and let us know how things are this evening.

I'm a little amazed that he didn't want to know when you saw OM. I would be freakikng out if the FOW was stalking my husband.

Thank you for talking to me... I'm having such a rough time right now.

I just threw in a load of laundry and the door fell off (the washer and dryer are in a closet.) Then I went into the kitchen and the puppy jumped on the baby gate and it completely fell off and broke.

This morning I hit a deer on the way to work. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

I know what you mean about the stalking thing. If H thought I was in danger, I think he would worry, but I think it's safer to pretend it isn't happening.

It won't be happening anymore hopefully, and for that I'm very, very glad.

Wow, what a sucky day you have had.

I hate days like that.

Want me to tell you about mine?

My company just went thru reorganization. Because of that, my pay has been cut. I also have a different supervisor. My new supervisor who thinks she is the end all of supervisors told me how she was going to solve a major problem for me-the faact that my health insurance will go up dramatically.

Anyway, 2 weeks after she told me this she finally called me- and lo and behold had done nothing on it and infact blamed it on my old supervisor.

I was not exactly nice to her about it.

This morning- the one morning in weeks, dh didn't wake me up early - my old boss called me at 8:30 to talk to me. It seems my new boss doesn't like my attitude. Guess what? I don't like the new boss so I quit.

Now, I have to figure out how I am going to make some money.

I know that really has nothing to do with your situation but I know sometimes we need to talk about other stuff too.

take care- praying for you

Katie Mae, I am confused. Your note says nothing about the affair. How will she know about the affair? If she doesn't have the facts, how will she know about the problem? What was the POINT?

Katie,

I don't even know you, but I am VERY proud of you! How brave you were to do this!

(((((Katie)))))

I truly, TRULY believe that you will be rewarded for this... and clearly you couldn't continue with your secret... it was eating you alive. I totally understand that.

I think you did the right thing, Katie. I hope your H sees your reasoning and that even if he's pissed at first, he will come to see the compassion that you showed to the OM's wife.

I'm sorry you're day's been so cruddy, too.

Mel,

I am guessing that OM's wife knows and this will solidify her knowledge -- but I do see what you mean. What's done is done now... what do you think Katie should do at this point?

Are you going to call her or somehow let her know WHY you are sending her Surviving an Affair?

oh. So she ALREADY KNOWS? I must have missed that part. Katie, does she already KNOW? Does she also know about the recent contact?

Katie Mae, I guess I was so proud of you dor sending the letter I let that part go by under the radar.

Does the OMW have any idea?

Maybe you can make a phone call to clarify it before she gets the pkg. Tell her proof is in the mail.

Mel,

Now I'm getting confused and probably confusing you.

For some reason, I had the idea that she knows, somehow (if only in her gut - not necessarily because someone told her)... and that this would solidify the knowledge she already has...

Remember when you were a BS, before you knew *for sure*... had that package shown up you'd have been "I knew it!"... or at least maybe I should only talk for myself... I would have said that because I did know, but didn't want to accept it until the proof was in my face.

Sorry if I led ya down the wrong path... of ... UNunderstanding. <embarrassed grin>

Had that package shown up at my door, I would have MORE QUESTIONS, not answers. And they would be questions that would NEVER be answered unless someone gave me the facts. They will never be answered by her lying, cheating husband. He is not going to volunteer to bust himself. That would make me MAD AS ****** if I recieved that book with no explanation.

not me- it hit me out of the blue- had no idea at all.

when I accidentally found the email account I was stunned.

If I got a pkg in the mail with some of my husband's things and a book called surviving an affair, I would probably put 2 and 2 together, but maybe not. I did have emails saying I love you to go on.

So, what should Katie do now?

I really do get what you guys are saying... I wasn't hit out of the blue, my (then)H was a player and fancied himself a real ladies man (always)... and seemed to have the ladies to prove it.

The first time, I *was* surprised, but not -- that's what I mean. Had I gotten the package, like I said, I would have known for sure what I already suspected.

What should Katie do now??

I suggest she call the omw and tell her about the A- then tell her to expect a pkg and what is in it.

Well, if it were me, I would give her a phone call and give her my name and the facts. To send her a book and not give her the facts is just to TEASE HER, which is cruel. If she gets that book and stuff, she can ask her H and he can just deny it. He doesn't have to tell her anything, and probably won't. She can't do much without facts.

And nb, she might SUSPECT, but that package won't give her answers. It will just create more questions. Questions he can just ignore. He doesnt have to tell her anything and there isn't a thing she can do about it.

Yes, both of you are saying the same thing... that makes sense to call her and tell her the package is on its way.

My guess is that Katie is going to have to get through tonight and her H's feelings about her having done *anything*... the package was only sent today so she could call tomorrow. That's a good idea.

In the meantime, Katie, I don't think you meant to tease the OM's wife... I think your heart was in the right place and you wanted to make things right... I hope you can gather the courage to finish the job with a phone call... after reading what MF and ML have said, I think it's the right thing to do.

Let us know...

((((Katie))))