Katie, your letter sounds fine.

However, I was wondering how you know if OM or OM's wife
gets the mail. Is it a 50/50 chance of either one?

If he sees your letter (or package) you can be sure that
he will intercept it.

Would it work to send the letter as a registered letter?
I am not sure but I think that means the person it is
addressed to has to sign for it.

Just a thought.

KM, I think the letter is perfect. I am proud of you for standing and doing the right thing. Good job.

what y'all think of adding the following P.S.

p.s. - Our counselor has requested that you provide us voice authentication that you received this letter to guarantee this letter was not intercepted. A cursory indication of receipt is all that is required. Without the same my husband and/or I must necessarily attempt to make personal contact with you which we presume you would wish to avoid. If you prefer you can make such confirmation of notification to my dear husband. His cell phone number is xxx-xxxx. He can also, alternatively, answer some of the questions you may have.



Your letter should be sent in a non-descript envelope with a mailing label (not your handwriting). Don't put a return address label or anything indicating it's from you. Hopefully it will slip through OM's hands should he even see it. Your return address should be indicated on the letter inside in case she decides to write either you or your husband for more information.

Though it may be counter to MB principles of radical honesty I believe your husband to not be in the position to objectively evaluate your letter. Draft it up and send it. Then show it to him and indicate this is it....no more unilateral decisions...but this was an individual responsibilty to OM's W that you need to address and handle by yourself. You didn't want to burden him with the contents. There is no POJA'ing what's right and you hashed this out with people on MB to make sure you did it right. YOUR victim needed to know so the TWO of you could move on without strings. It's done....period.

Good luck and good job...to draft that good a letter as a WS hoping to become a full-fledged member of the FWW club herein is awesome. We ain't STOOOOPID enough to let you in just yet...give no contact a few weeks to settle in...then we'll all talk. lol

Mr. Wondering

Hi all,

The letter is in the mail...thanks for the support! The package should have arrived yesterday. The letter should be there by Monday because it's the weekend, which is kind of a bummer.

I wonder too about the interception thing... I did not put my return address on either the letter or package, and I'm not sure if OM knows my handwriting or not (we mostly just communicated by email, and I only handwrote him one note.)

I have mixed feelings about this right now because I didn't tell H. I feel very strongly that I'm doing the right thing, but not telling him feels like a betrayal all over again. He DID say I could write a letter (it was his suggestion) but knowing H, one day later he would change his mind. I think I'm not going to say anything unless it comes out somehow.

H is afraid of OM because of his military background and fantasy mental state. He doesn't know OM and I can see how this would seem scary, but OM is the biggest weenie I know, and would run as fast as he could from my sensitive, wallflower artist of a H if he was approached by him.

H is the bigger man.

Thanks again for the support and I will keep you all updated.

God Bless MB!

Katie, i would tell your husband you followed through as agreed. And also tell him that OM is a wuss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good job!

Okay KM, you are doing great. Now tell your H and let him see a copy of the letter if he requests it. You should be proud of yourself today. You are doing the best thing for you, your H and the OBS. Smile... you deserve to feel good about yourself today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good job, Katie Mae.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> KUDOS TO KATIE!!! SO PROUD OF YOU!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Make sure to tell your husband-YES-that is VERY important...You didn't go against him, he told you that you could write a letter, and that is what you did-NO MORE SECRETS KATIE...Secrets do not a recovered marriage make...So you tell your husband about the letter, and you tell him that OM is a BIG FAT CANDYAZZ!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Keep us up to date!

Mrs. W<-------Givin' You A Big Thumbs Up!!!

Chiming in to say WELL DONE.

I also would like to add [from personal experience only] that when H does something because he needs to do it in order to be square with himself and look himself in the eye..I support that whether I would have personally made that choice or not.

Making difficult and moral choices..demonstrating ethics was a HUGE foundation for re-establishing respect, trust, and equality in our marriage.

Had he not done these things..I may have loved him..but I doubt very much I would be able to respect him.

I really think you did the right thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Quick update...

I just got home from work and as I drove by the local park, OM was parked there with some sort of storage hitch attached to his truck. His W must have kicked him out!!

I'm shaking right now and I have a dentist appointment in a half an hour... I don't want to leave my house.

I don't want to call H, either... he's upset about the whole situation.

I told H about the letter and he wasn't happy as I predicted (eventhough he suggested it, I argued it because why does a letter make more sense than a phone call? We agreed to just wait it out instead, that's why I knew he would be upset.)

We talked it out, but he thinks the letter "helps" OM by making him responsible for his choices. He said that's not my job, it's his. He agrees his W should know, but OM should tell her. But OM would NEVER tell her. I told him telling her was for her, our M and my recovery... there were two victims here, my H and the OMW. I've been making ammends to H, and I wanted to make ammends to OMW.

I'm totally freaked right now. OM lives two hours from here, yet even after "I never want to see or speak to your H again" he's here in my city with all of his sh$t. All of his friends live in his town.

What should I do??

Katie Mae.
I was hoping someone would soon reply but it
has been nearly half an hour since your plea for help.

I have been following your story.

Just how well do you really know this OM?

It is my understanding that you have had a 3 year
affair with him and you just told his wife via a package
and a letter.

OM will not like it that you told her of his unfaithfulness.

Could he possibly be violent?

You DO need to call your husband and perhaps even the police.
NOW!

Don't underestiminate this man's anger.
Especially if his wife DID tell him to leave.

Does he know where you live?
Don't be there alone, ok?
I am scared for you right now, Katie.

Why would he be 2 hours from home and in YOUR town?

Katie, I wouldn't worry too much about it. But I would tell your H ASAP so you can both be on the alert. Lock your doors and just be vigilant.

You did the right thing, KM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

call the police and let them know what has gone on.

Thank you Mel, IWRA and MEDC,

I'm sorry it's taken so long to respond! I was completely freaked when I wrote my post, but then went to the dentist and calmed down. There's a cute little restaraunt nearby and it's beautiful out today... I thought it would be nice to go out to eat. H and I just got home.

I was scared to tell H because of how he reacted to the letter, but then realized that's the old me (lol) and I need to be the new me so I told him.

I was pretty surprised by his reaction. He thought it was hilarious! "What a pathetic loser" kind of response. He couldn't stop laughing. "What did the trailer look like? How big was it?" He got me laughing about it too, I'm a little embarassed to admit.

IWRA... thank you for your concern. I'm not too worried about OM harming me or my H, but he definitely isn't the most grounded person. I think I will probably have to file a police report at some point, but since he was just sitting in the park (which he's done a thousand other times) I'm going to have to wait until he does something else. He has a new truck, too, and I don't even know the license plate number. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you again for your suggestions... it means a lot!

Much love,

KM

Hi Katie Mae.
Do you know if OM's wife received the package and letter you sent to her?

I have been wondering if you have heard any response at all.

Any more sightings of OM in your town? (I hope not.)

Hi IWRA,

Thank you for thinking of me!

No, I haven't heard anything. I also haven't seen OM since the beginning of last week (I've been taking another route to and from work.) It's been eerily quiet.

Every time the phone rings, my heart leaps into my throat. I have caller ID, and nothing yet so far. I've often wondered what I would do if and when I see FOM/OMW's phone number... if it was OM, I guess I would just hang up.

Do you think it's unusual she wouldn't call? It's been a week since she should have received the letters. I know my H never, EVER wants to speak to OM, so it could be that. Or OM intercepted the mail... in which case, it wouldn't make sense he would show up in my town with a trailer hitched to his truck.

Thank you again for asking, and if something else happens I'll let you know.

God Bless!

I am not 2x4'ing you. Just want to you to be aware of an opportunity here.

"Guessing" you would just hang up isn't good enough. You need a plan to maintain "No Contact" that you discuss with your husband (whether or not he wants input...tell him). No Contact is the 1st basic rule of recovery. Without it no further progress can be made or undertaken. It is paramount that you consider all likely scenarios and have a plan "PRE-PROGRAMMED" in your brain. Like all military training you must "TRAIN" your brain to respond appropriately under pressure.

Without a plan you remain susceptible to the "I just bumped into him and didn't want to be rude...we only spoke for about 5 minutes ...sorry Husband". Which your husband won't trust that you left off many details of the such conversation. Instead, if and when you "bump" into OM (or he purposely tracks you down for his purported "closure"), you KNOW what to do and you'll do it. You'll walk away and call your husband...immediately. It's much easier for hubby to believe nothing was said if NOTHING was said.

What's great about this too is you'll be building trust. Lately he's had to take everything you say with a grain of salt. Understandable. Well now you tell him your plans and low and behold you HONOR them.

Let the answering machine get all calls. If OM'sW calls she'll leave a message indicating whatever she wants to say and whether she wants a return call. Don't answer it. If you speak to her, your husband should be with you. If a message is left, husband and you should listen to it TOGETHER, the first time it is played. Make it ALL a team effort.

Other No Contact Plans to consider.

What to do if OM comes to your work? (Go to your bosses office or other place he can't follow you...the ladies bathroom is not safe cause you are cornered, get on your cell to hubby immediately and proceed to have OM removed...say NOTHIING directly to him.)

What to do if he corners you in line at the bank or grocery store? (In this instance, you may want to yell out loud at him "I am a married woman, STOP HARASSING ME"...bet he won't approach you in public again)

What to do if OM catches you outside in the yard or knocks on the front door? (Go inside, don't answer door and if he is persistent and yelling call police first then dial husband and wait).

If he emails...husband responds, maybe from YOUR email address.

ETC.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Mr. W,

Thank you very much for your insight! You are right... H and I have talked about what I would do (which is, don't talk to him) but he has snuck up on me twice now and I felt I couldn't just walk away from him... you offer some very concrete suggestions and I will talk them over with H so we will have a more solid plan.

I thought about letting the machine pick up if I recognized OM's home phone, but worried his W might not leave a message. I would prefer not to answer, just in case it was OM calling. As far as email goes, he is on my blocked list, but I suppose he could get a new email address. If that happens, having H write him back is a good suggestion.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention... I will chat with H about it tonite.

Peace and love to both you and Mrs. W,

KM

OM's Wife WILL leave a message eventually if she really wants to talk to you. You've done your part by her now. Don't dwell on it any longer. In fact, if you just relax and say for the next 4 months I am not going to answer the home phone at all, you may not feel the need to check the caller ID with such compulsion.

Remember, OM could call from anywhere and any business. People walk into our businesses occasionally and borrow the phone "for a quick local call" so OM could get creative. Just let it go to the answering machine EVERY TIME and you'll feel less anxiety over the whole thing.

Finally, it might take OM time to process that YOU don't really want contact with him...he likely believes it's your big mean husband keeping you isolated from him. If he could just get you alone you'd talk. Thats why YOUR words and actions if he does catch you off-guard need to be immediate, hostile and direct...OM must be disabused (love that word) of such notion.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Thanks, Mr. W... I really appreciate it.

I understand my actions have to match my words... therefore, it is IMPERITIVE (love THAT word, ha) that I have a script, or a good plan... I don't want anything to do with OM, I love my H dearly, but then OM corners me and I start crying. Do you think OM remembers me saying, "I love my H, I'll never leave him" or do you think he remembers me crying? Of course, he remembers me crying... it's an "in."

I always have to remember that I am vulnerable to OM, even if I don't ever want to see or speak to him again. Thanks again for the advice.

Blessings,

KM