Intexas,

I don`t know your whole story, just what I have read here. Has your H always behaved off the wall like this?

Is your decision to go through ther divorce based just on the A and his current actions or has your M been a total wash from the start? Has he always been abusive?

No doubt about it your H is acting like a lunatic right now but I am wondering if this is his real character OR he`s just hit rock bottom?

After d-day when I told my H repeatedly that I wanted a divorce he went off the deep end too. He said and did several things thast were totally out of character for him. He really scared me on more than one occasion. He never actually hit me but he did scare the bejeebers out of me. That was SO unlike him. He never acted that way before or since.

Desperation can make people into temporary lunatics. It can also make them VERY mean.

Do you REALLY want this divorce no matter what...if your H were to return to his pre insane self would you want to give him a second chance?

BTW my H had one of his A`s while I was pregnant too.

I am done. This is not said rashly. It is not said out of emotion. He has been gone just shy of a year. I never wanted this. Would not wish it on anyone. But I amnot going to subject myself to this any longer.

I told him that it is not that I do not forgivce him. It's not that at all. I just hit my "had it" point. I told him I know he can still recover and be a good dad and a good guy again. It's not about me seeing him as some evil and unchangable being. Not at all. It's about knowing what I am willing to risk again and risk for my boys again.



I was not living in a great marriage really at any time. Not that I would have ever left it--committment is so important to me, vows are vows. But his pre-affairs behavior mixed with the affairs and the continued mental/emotional abuse/control--well, a girl can only take so much. HE has never had my best interest in mind. He was always manipulative, etc. It just took being out of the storm from a distance to see it.

Thank you, though, Daisy for posting to me. This is tough stuff. I feel so young sometimes and inadeqaute to do all I know I am gonna have to do. But I know for sure I am done.

He has called obsessively today. I have called my lawyer and she advises to also call the police next time he threatens such while having the boys. That will give me documentation, and hopefully give him a wake-up call that he cannot continue this manipulative behavior without consequences.

Can I be honest with you guys?
All of this makes me feel so disfunctional and so, well...weak in the sense that I have allowed myself to live like this without standing up until now. I know I am headed towards a different future and am all the stronger for it, but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

He brings the boys back tomorrow, and I have plans for a close friend to be here when he does. And I have already informed him I am going out of town. Which I am--taking the boys to Ft. Worth for the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo. Gonna sleep at a hotel so they can swim and so we can avoid WH at all costs. It's a 1.5-2 hour drive from my place.

Oh--and Dazed--We do need to do lunch again. Just let me know when. I am out of class at 12:30 M-F. I'd love some good mexican food.

Well, glad you are safe. I hope you won't make any rash decisions right now.

I think I would tell him that all of this has been such a shock that you need many months to recover. People can change, and maybe he will.

You are getting healthy again. Hooray for you!!!! I was like you, extremely miserable at first, and then not believing that I let myself go through all of his terrible disrespect.

I would tape his calls, and I would call the cops. He needs to learn that he can't manipulate you. He needs to face the consequences of his choices.

B-
What would be a rash decision I am making? I am not questioning you, just trying to see how those of you on the outside see my actions and dealings with him.

I would not assume that the two of you could never be together again. The Lord could work a miracle and change him. What a testimony that would be!!

I'm completely on your side, and have seen the infidel want to return to the marriage over and over. That is what usually happens, even in the most hopeless circumstances.

i'm sorry that your H is so lost right now

my H has also threatened suicide.....

the first time was when i first found out about his affair and i wasn't sure that i wanted to stay married to him....i found him with a bottle of pain pills and a bottle of wiskey

and now, since he's living with OW and wants a D....it's when i won't give him what he wants

when i wouldn't agree to a divorce, he told me he had a shotgun and was going to "blow his head off just like my dad did"....i don't think i can ever forget or forgive that

i told his family and even called the OW to ask her to get the gun out of the house...i was so scared for him.....when his family questioned him, he said he was just "grandstanding"......yeah...THAT'S why he has a shotgun

he did this again just a month or so ago (this time he was more careful with his words...."you KNOW what i'm going to do") and told me i am driving him to it and that i can tell whoever i want to....

this time i didn't even bother to respond...how sad that it's come to this...for both of us

in this case....I think there is some reality to it...ny H probably wished he were dead rather than feeling all of the pain this has caused....and he's using it to manipulate me because he knows that i still love him

oh believer...if only that would be the case in my situation

(sorry for the mini thread jack)

You sound like him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course without the means of manipulation.

So do you think it's not okay to say enough is enough and in your heart/head close the door? I don't see myself able to go on if I allow the possibility for reconciliation at this point. I never considered myself a black and white kind of person, but I cannot see the grey area here.

Even if he does allow God to change him one day, do you think it is not okay to say no even then? Just because he might one day sincerely want back in, that doesn't mean I have to allow it, right?

I know this is extremely subjective, but I am really wanting to understand the dynamics of how this works.

i think that it's okay for everyone to make thier own decision in this situation

only YOU can decide when you've had all you can take

only you can decide what things may be forgivable but still not be willing to risk having them happen again

only you can protect your heart

God gave our spouses "free will" and they made a choice that was wrong in our eyes and in the eyes of God

He gives us the same free will to choose how to deal with it...IMHO the only difference is that he gives us his understanding and his blessing for moving on in this situation

Thanks B and Eav--

Sometimes I wish I had more life experience to go on in dealing with all this.

I wanted my husband back desperately for several years. Then all of a sudden I lost all of my love for him. I know I am done, because I have given it the test of time - 3 and a half years. I feel happy and comfortable with the outcome.

I think it is essential to give everything time. Work on the marriage. If the marriage fails, take time for healing before starting another relationship, or making any other decisions.

Hi All.

I haven't been on for awhile. My education classes this summer session have been the hardest amount of classwork, etc. I have EVER encountered. I live, eat and breathe curriculum design right now, all while trying to find a teaching job, work, and manage the munchkins.

Speaking of job, FINALLY got an interview scgeduled for next week. Keep your fingers crossed! It is in a town somewhat close. HS English--9th grade I think. I'll still have to work two jobs for at least a year, unless I can do some major turn-arounds in the finances. I am working on that. I really only want one job.

Life with WH has been even more rollercoater"y" lately.
Bottom line from him:
"I want you back, intexas. I'll do anything to make it work. But, oh yeah--I am still sleeping with OW and telling her I love her, and by the way--if you get a new job, could you help me out financially?"

All Yuck! Hurtful yuck just for him as usual.

He did tell me something tonight (he actually JUST called me at 2a.m. to tell me he wanted to come get the boys tomorrow for a bit. Then he tells me that about 5 friends of his (who I also went to college with) have all met OW--a long time ago.

I know this is not earth shattering WH behavior, but darn it people--that stung. It feels like new betrayal to me--the behind your back look like a fool kind.

I am just ready for some normalcy--something other than all this. August 14th makes a year since I have been on my own--since he up and left out of the blue.

A year.......Wow. Really, a year is a long time in relation to the length of our marriage thus far. A year. It's seems like much ,longer, but then not that long at the same time.

I think I'm overtired--I am beginning to ramble. Just wanted to check in.

Intexas

Hello InTexas,
we haven't "talked" before I think.

I wanted to share a few similarities that I see between your XH and mine.
I hope that will make you stronger in your resolve that you ARE doing the right thing.

My XH didn't want me to leave.
He couldn't understand that I would want out of the M when he promised "he wouldn't do it again".
He wasn't in love with an OW, but he loved the lifestyle of sneaking behind my back and going to P's, talking to women on the internet and setting up "innocent" meetings with them (yeah right).

That was all AFTER D-Day.. when I found out he had been going to P's for +2 years, starting when I was pregnant..
And after D-Day2, when I found out he had also been having a PA (no EA) with my "best friend" for +1 year.

He "loved" me but couldn't get his head out of his [censored] for me.
He "loved" me but couldn't bother to meet my EN's, not even a little bit, appearantly that was too much work for him.

He's this nice boy-type sort of guy (that's actually what attracked OW to him), but though he can be charming, unfortunately it also means he acts like a spoiled child.
He didn't want any counseling because he don't thinks he needs it.

It became very clear to me that
a) he is not prepared to give up a lifestyle that will place time-bombs in my future (more D-Day's.. and possible STD's..)
b) he will not bother about my EN's because he is only concerned getting his own EN's met, by me or OW
c) I will not be his "therapist", all understanding etc. but not having the partner I DESERVE !
d) if he ever has a change of heart.. and really works on himself.. well, we'll see.. but I don't think I can ever go back to a relationship with him..
I think it's very unlikely he will ever be the sort of person I could open up to again.

((((InTexas)))
You sound like an excellent, strong woman.
And I'm sure your 3 boys are your treasures.

Intexas,

I just have to tell you how very much I admire you. You have been given challenges that don't even slow you down. You are dedicated to your boys, you are educated and continuing your education, you work two jobs while being the primary care giver for those children, including a newborn. I am in awe of you.

You keep on the path you are on and do not be distracted by the horse and pony show for even one moment. I really see a beautiful future for you and those boys. You are so young, you will be successful in your career and will be happy and romantically involved again someday. This will all fade away like a bad dream.

Can I suggest that you do not answer his late night calls anymore? Set a boundary and a time. Disconnect the phone if you have to. He will continue to call as long as you answer the phone at midnight and 2AM.

Good luck on your interview, we're rooting for you!!

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

My head is spinning right now because I have SO much to do. I have a HUGE project due Wednesday. I have the interview tomorrow at 1. Suddenly, I am overwhelmingly scared about teaching. Having doubts, you name it. I'd start the job Monday if I got it. New teachers start two weeks early.

I have so many decisions to make, and not any time to think about them or pray about them. URR! URR! URR!

I keep crunching the numbers, and just don't see how I can live off one job. But then I also don't know if I can handle the two full-time jobs and be a decent parent. Going to one job would mean a move (since this job provides housing) and some major changes.

I could sell the durango/trade it in and get a used older car that gets better gas mileage. I'd like a LOW note or none at all.

There are so many variables here. Should I rent or buy? Can I even afford to make this leap and move and go to only teaching? Who will watch the youngest two boys?
etc. etc. etc.

I am rambling again, but if anyone has some sound financial advice, or is selling an older model car in texas, or just wants to send another "we know you can do this" my way, I'm all takers. Not too proud tonight to say I need some encouragement.

And from the stbxh end--lawyer called. Seems his lawyers can't reach him. He might not keep his job (final word should come in tomorrow) and I believe that is why he has been stalling things and not returning calls. He wants his child support to go down, which it would drastically (not that 565 is a lot to begin with) before it is finalized.

Okay, I'll stop rambling. I hate sounding so down and pathetic. It's just I don't always feel as strong as everyone thinks I am.

Good to hear from you again. When you dropped off the radar, I was afraid that you let your husband come back.

Hi IT,

Although I am not too familiar with your story, I think I have read enough here.....

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
.....just wants to send another "we know you can do this" my way, I'm all takers. Not too proud tonight to say I need some encouragement.
------------------------------------------------------------

...and since you are asking....well....let me tell you.....you are amazing......considering your WS's actions since he has moved out.....I can't imagine the kind of strength and courage it must take to deal with a WS like yours.....while at the same time studying, making plans for the future and taking care of your boys......

and agree with Shattered 100%..... once you will be out of this nightmare.....

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
......I really see a beautiful future for you and those boys. You are so young, you will be successful in your career and will be happy and romantically involved again someday. This will all fade away like a bad dream.
-----------------------------------------------------------

You are smart, responsible, young, honest, humble, courageous, have career plans, are doing the best you can to take care of your beautiful boys..... and your WS is way out of your 'league'.....unless, as B, says, a 'miracle' happens..... but then, if that were the case, I know you would SEE it and reconsider......so far, there is NO SIGN of it happening anytime soon..... so....keep focus on your future...were your WS TO DO anything different from what he has been doing....I am sure you will take notice!

I do think you must put some of your energy into figuring out how to keep your WS out of your life.....and consider some of the suggestions already made by others.....so that you can stop bleeding and start doing some HEALING!

((((((((((((((((INTEXAS)))))))))))))))))))))))

Hi Tex,

I know what you mean. So many decisions and which are the right ones? Don't sweat it too much, trust your instincts, you are doing the very best you can with what you've been given.

Please don't underestimate yourself. You are a great teacher - think it, believe it, and go ace that interview!

Hi IT,

quote:----------------------------------------------------
It's just I don't always feel as strong as everyone thinks I am.
-----------------------------------------------------------

Alright....if that's how you FEEL.....that's how you feel...can't change that.....now.....can you step back and see if in 'reality' that checks out.....with what you're DOING?

.....just wondering......if you were seeing a 'friend' going through what you are and handling things as you are.....what would you 'think' and 'say' to her? ...that sometimes seems to work for me....just a thought....

......because sometimes...we can be way too hard on ourselves....and you DO have a lot on your plate and handling it the best way you can!

....you will be OK....hang in there!

Hi everyone.
Just wanted to let everyone who was wishing me well and praying know that I got the job!!! I start Monday, teaching high school English in a nearby town. I am hoping this is the first step towards going to one job, as it pays well. I took two finals today, so the cert. classes are officially behind me.

STBXH informed me that he and OW shared their first kiss back in June 05. YUP. JUNE. I was way off. He didn't leave till august. So that explains A LOT of the behavior up until then. In a weird way, I am glad I know. It's stinging a little, I'll be honest. But not too bad. But truthfully--I don't think he is telling me everything.

Anyway, just wanted to share my good news.

Intexas