Please help me understand the importance of telling my husband??? I am struggling with this.....why can't I just end the A and deal with the pain myself. Honestly...right now I feel like it was his actions that led me to commit the A. As I stated previously...I wanted to hurt him twice as bad as he hurt me. Please don't get rude with me...just help me understand the importance of telling him vs. just ending it and letting it go.

Ummmm.... the importance of telling him is called HONESTY! You know, that little thing that should be a given between a H & W. He deserves the truth because
he has a right to decide if he still wants to be married to a woman that cheated on him.
he deserves the ability to scrutinize your every move until you have regained trust.
he deserves the opportunity to make every decision about HIS life.
he deserves to know that he is the priority in your life and that you will be different.
he deserves the ability to evaluate your progress during recovery.
he deserves to be married to a woman that will not keep a dirty little secret like that from him. If you do not tell, there will be no healing... it will be like a cancer eating at you and your M forever.
He deserves to know NOW so that he doesn't view every day as an extension of the lies when he fianlly finds out.
he deserves every sorted little detail... down to how many times, where, how, positions, likes, dislikes, tastes, smells... etc. he needs to know what he is up against.
YOU owe him nothing less than 100% honesty.

AND SAVE THAT [censored] ABOUT IT BEING HIS FAULT THAT YOU BEDDED ANOTHER PERSON. PEDDLE THAT ELSEWHERE.

I can't honestly say that I want to stay married to him after cheating on me for the last 10 years!!


He doesn't deserve this ability when I can't even trust him...he has to earn this right!!



He made that decision when he decided to feed his addiction to pornography!


If I was the priority in his life...then he would have still been the priority in my life. My kids are my priority right now....I honestly think I am ending the affair and working on my marriage for my children...not for my spouse.


I agree with this one....and I am contemplating telling him...not just all the details (who the OM is)

I agree with this...same as above.



I guess I just don't understand this part.....believe me...I am trying and praying for strength...I am afraid that until I can truly forgive him and trust him again then I cannot honestly work on my marriage...but that doesn't mean the affair will continue. I have had NC with the OM since I made my decision to end the affair and I honestly don't think that I "love" this OM. I just want to fast forward my life about 5 years and get through this mess we have both created!!!

are you equating his pornography addiction to your having a PA?

Yes...I do. He was having an adulterous affair....there was nothing emotional about it (or at least I think that way). But he was withholding sex from me when I was begging for it and fulfilling his needs with the pornography. It is just the same as what I have done. In some way I wish it was another woman....I feel that I could have competed against another woman, but I had no chance competing against that pornography because it is so made up.

Does that make sense...or am I just losing it??

Nursedana..

Time to wake up and smell the brine of reality.

Whether you recover your marriage or not.

Whether you trust or love or believe that he has any redeeming qualities whatsoever..

Whether he watched porn while nailing puppies to the wall and doing the chicken dance is totally irrelevent with regard to the issue at hand which is his right to make his own choices.

You do not have the right to withhold this information.

Period.





Do not try to hide behind rationalizations and blameshifting..he'll have to live with his decisiuons..and you will have to live with yours.

You are trying to dodge and control the consequences, nothing more.

you make some sense... but sorry.... it does not and never will add up to justifcation for you dropping your pants to screw another man. Not even close. Your H had an unhealthy porn addiction... you did the hoola on the end of someone elses H's privates. Not okay and not even close to the same.
Now, unless you plan on being 100% honest with your husband, I would suggest that you either take a walk or start reading on this site immediately. Better yet, call the Harley's immediately because you are still a WS.

If you don't tell him, you can forever wonder if he loved you enough to accept you despite your flaws. Don't you deserve to know that?

"Please help me understand the importance of telling my husband??? I am struggling with this.....why can't I just end the A and deal with the pain myself. Honestly...right now I feel like it was his actions that led me to commit the A. As I stated previously...I wanted to hurt him twice as bad as he hurt me. Please don't get rude with me...just help me understand the importance of telling him vs. just ending it and letting it go."

"Yes...I do. He was having an adulterous affair....there was nothing emotional about it (or at least I think that way). But he was withholding sex from me when I was begging for it and fulfilling his needs with the pornography. It is just the same as what I have done. In some way I wish it was another woman....I feel that I could have competed against another woman, but I had no chance competing against that pornography because it is so made up.

Does that make sense...or am I just losing it??"

Nurse...

I have been in your shoes...and I my shame is how well they fit. What you aren't getting here is your own power, which you stepped over and hung around your BH's neck. Your choices are all your own, as his are...when you make your choices based on what he does, you are helpless, powerless, and done to...and you did it to yourself, because you gave away your power...

It truly remains your own.

You chose to believe porn was compeitition...when it isn't. How you felt was your own, also...to be stated, researched and talked out...to find the whys, which could be a lot of things, having nothing to do with competition...which is how you saw and felt it, how you experienced it...and most likely, this lack of respect, of knowing your H is truly separate from you, doesn't see through your eyes, love through your heart...is underneath all the other underneaths of the dance you both did.

You choose your beliefs, thoughts, perspective and the way you love. No one else can choose those things for you.

I didn't know any of this, btw, until my H had his A...after all of my EA's and PA...

Do you really want control of yourself and your life? Would you truly like to live in light, honesty and openness? Where you choose every step of the way...your power, and find freedom in your human limit that you can only control yourself...not another living soul on the planet?

There's a better way to live than being a ricochet. I promise.

You can do this.

LA

nurseDana, no matter what, your H has to be told. You can't withhold information about his life from him. He has a right to know what has been happening in his marriage, so he can take steps to protect himself from you.

To not tell him is cruel and manipulative because it is keeping him a marriage based on a lie. He may not want to stay in the marriage due to your affair, and that is his right to decide. You have no right to withhold this information from him.

No matter what has happened in the past, he must be told. It is his right to know. Do the right thing and go tell the man, Dana. It won't be easy, but it will be right.

Dear Dana,

I have been a posting member for a short time, I joined while my husband was in Iraq serving his country. In fact this is the first time I have ever told anyone on this site this information. They think I came to this site to learn strictly how to apply the principals of Dr. Harley's genius work to my marriage solely based on wanting to make things better, this is a half truth.

The full truth is that I needed some help, I needed to know what to do because while I was away on a two month business trip I had two sexual affairs with men I met at random. The reasons I did this are irrelevant as there are NO excuses.

When I read on the site about the policy of radical honesty and that I needed to be honest with my husband and tell him what happened I thought "NO FREAKING WAY". I was terrified to hurt him but even more terrified to lose him.

I told my husband about this site while he was still in Iraq and he started reading it. I ordered two sets of books each (His needs Her Needs, Love busters and the work book) had his mailed out to him in Iraq. We both were doing the reading and the work sheets with him in Iraq and me at home. We knew for a long time that we had some serious problems in the marriage and either we fix them or our ultimate end was near. We were like all of the couples from the examples in the books and we could relate to so much of their lives and issues. All we ever did was make withdrawals from our banks with angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, independent behaviors etc....

I continued to believe and think that I was not going to "EVER" tell him even if Dr. Harley said it was so and every member on this site believes this to be true. I thought "what is the point, the damage is done".

After reading your story I felt compelled to share and come forward to tell you my story.

When my husband came home from Iraq we immediately went away together. I had still fully intended to NOT tell him anything and try to live with my shame and guilt (which by the way caused me to not even be able to think about this without getting sick to my stomach or look in the mirror) I thought telling him was hurting him more. I now know that this is just something we tell ourselves in order to make ourselves feel better about hiding it.

The second night he was back with me, while we were cuddling together and sharing thoughts, we started talking about my trip to England and being faithful. He said "I think you did something in England" and he said that "it was ok not to tell him now but at some point he would want me to tell him the truth". That moment of truth came for me that night and I told him about the two men and what I had done. he said "it hurt him for a moment" but something else happened also at that moment, He decided to forgive me.

I have never felt more love for this man. He gave me an opportunity to share with him something so painful that I was carrying around inside me and he accepted me unconditionally. He said he loves me so much and our time apart really proved that to him. I think this is why he was willing to read this site and read and study the books in Iraq.

We have been actively working on MB every day studing the books, talking about the theories. It is not alwys easy and sometimes we both need to remind each other of policy. I have to say that we are both so much happier. This site has changed and saved our marriage. I am grateful to Dr. Harley and to the members of this site. I read this message board every day with my husband. He is here right now reading this as I type it.

My final thoughts to you are that no one can convince you to tell him the truth. Only you can do that, I honestly up until that moment had no plans to tell. I just knew that it was the right moment and the right thing to do. As God is my witness an Angel came down to us that night and gave my husband strength and me courage.

I think with your own husband's coming to terms with his demons of internet porn you are both coming to a place where you can both be radically honest and open to begin the true healing in your marriage.

I will pray for your angel to come.

SunKissedBeach.

NurseDana - Please listen to the advice you have received here. Have a look at the infidelity FAQ's on this site linked in my signature below.

The pain ends when you establish No Contact and confess to your husband. The work starts then too. (Actually the pain won't end but it will be the beginning of the end)

aunkissedbeach thanks for your response. It struck a note with me and brought tears to my eyes. What you described is exactly what I want....I am just afraid it won't turn out that way.

how it turns out is not the important thing... doing the right thing is what is needed most.
your H will most likely not have the kind of response you are referencing... not even close... it is not the norm. but you still owe him honesty.
so, i will ask you... why are you here on this site? because if you are looking for support to not tell him, I would suggest another website called gloryb. if you want support on how to tell him and dealing with the aftermath... then you have come to the right place.