i am lost on what to do with my wife. she has admited to cheating on me and now says she is in love with the OP. she went to the atorney last week and started the paperwork for the divorce i did alot of the wrong things when i found out about it 3 months ago basicly all of the wrong things and it is getting progressivly worse ever since. she still lives in the same house but in the spare bedroom until her apartment is ready in 7 weeks. we have 3 children and i see it tearing them apart we have talked to them and explained that it has nothing to do with them and have put them in counseling and it helps. i feel lost for not being able to do anything. where should i go from here do i let her go or is there a differnt approch i can take?

Hello!

Sorry you are here.
I am not an expert, but I am sure you will get very good advise here.

All I can say right now is, Please, don't loose hope.

First, read this site, not only the boards. The MB principals and the infidelity section.

Then start a Plan A.

So she's still in the Affair? Do you know who is he?
Is the OP married? Expose to OMW as soon as possible.

You have to kill the affair and this is the best way.

If you give a little more info it might help. Like how old are you, hos long you're married, what's your kids age.
She's mving to her appartment... she's taking kids?

d-day was 3 months ago right?

Have you two consider rebuilding your marriage?
What did go wrong the last 3 months?

You are able to so something. Start reading MB.

Hope you the best.

yes she is still in the affair and i have confronted them and the opw. no good they op has been getting divorced for 2years now and is bringing mine down with him.

we have been married 9 years with three children 2 were from her previous relationship but not married. ages are 13,12, and 8. she is moving in her apartment in sept. when the apt. is availible. the children will stay with me monday - friday and with her on the weekends we live in a great neighborhood with excelent schools and i am keeping the house we just moved into it in december she dosent want it i offered for her to stay here with the kids and i would move in a apt. but she says she will feel guilty.

d-day was in may

i have asked her to rebuild but she says its to late and now she is in love with the OP.

i did just about everything wrong until we went to couseling and i leared what i should do and what not to do.

instead of asking for her to call it off i demanded it and told her to quit her job where she met the OP instead of working with her i demanded it of her.

i did the usual wrong things demanding, not compromising, though of the kids and my needs and not hers, and so on.

See an attorney immediately. If she has an attorney already and you do not then you will be absolutely buried alive. You need to protect yourself.

have already done that hired the best in the state recommened by multiple attorneys

Expose to her work, her family, friends...your family and friends...

Plan A...read up on it as lostwillow suggested...exposure, eliminating Love Busters (LBs), finding out her ENs and meeting them the best you can while she's in the house...

Know that she is NOT in love with OP...she is addicted to a drug of good feelings...not a person.

Dig and work this, WL...whether you succeed or not, you will learn a lot about yourself, relationships and how they work, and show your children marriage is worth fighting for...with love.

Please consider this, too, in talking with the kids...

"explained that it has nothing to do with them and have put them in counseling and it helps." When we tell children divorce has nothing to do with them, we mean that they didn't cause it. Instead, they can hear, they have no power, no say and aren't worth loving...

Now is a great time to communicate the truth of being human...no one can be the cause, control or cure for anyone else...we only do that for ourselves...our limitation and our power. Their mother is choosing to do this...be the reality bringer...and you are choosing to fight for your marriage.

Empower the kids...did you adopt the older two?

And your WW (wayward wife) chose to have an A...you didn't make her in anyway. I know. She had these patterns before...her destructive way to self-soothe...exampled by having the two kids when you met her...and I can say this, because that was me.

I was a serial cheater. I had two kids out of wedlock before marrying my DH. People do change...love does last...our internal permissions are a mess and we can live destructive lives for some time...

You matter. You're her husband. You are her love. You can believe this...your choice.

LA

Don't let your self down when she says: She's in love with OP... it's part of her way to justify the A, and run from guilt. It's fog talk. It's the fantasy.

Don't ever feel guilty about her affair.

Even if you haven't been the best husband for the past years. Don't let her fill you with blame from her actions.

Analyse your life and see where you can make changes. Be the best husband and father (Plan A) while she's home.
Show her who you really are. Reminde her of who she felt in love.

Expose to anyone you know that can help you. Killing the A is also a Plan A step. Exposure should help you.

And Please keep posting, you'll have plenty support here.

I have informed her today that she must be out of the house in the morning. We have already decided that the children will stay with me during the week and with her on the weekends. I can provide a much stronger and stable environment for them than she can so they will spend most of the time with me.

the children are going to counseling and it has seemed to help them cope with it all but I keep seeing them get upset with her so that is my main reason for telling here to leave in the morning. I have gone through and pack all of her items and have them ready to go so she has no excuses.

I am doing plan A and now part of plan B I have spent the past week reading his needs her needs and Surviving An Affair and I am trying to follow them the best I can the kids help me by just being there and giving me strength but it is still hard but surviving

One of the biggest problems I have with all of this is the two children she had before we were married were 1 and 2 years old so in there and my eyes I am dad and have always been called daddy, but I was never able to adopt them mainly money issues until recently now I can afford it. But my wife wont now let me adopt them fearing I will take them away from here which I would never do. I believe that no matter what a child should have both his mother and father in there life. Our youngest is biologically mine so I do have full legal rights but it hurts know that I am powerless with the other two.

One other point that I would like to bring up is my wife’s past. she was brought up in a environment where her mother has had multiple A's and I believe that my wife has been conditioned to her mothers actions and doesn’t see it in a way that most people do so it is making it more of a challenge. Our marriage counselor is working with her on that but I don’t know where they are at in there discussions.

Wlm,

Please know you can Plan A with boundaries...and that Plan B isn't to be done in part...it is effective after Plan A...

You can Plan A separated...you really can. Look up CarenMC's threads...

And I didn't see where you exposed to her work...did you? What about OP's parents and siblings? Whether they are in a divorce situation or not...they are married. Exposure is for truth, not dependent on results...expose, anyway.

Find out if you can file for adoption of those two, anyway. You are married. You are their Daddy...might not be too late, legally...

You sound clearer now...how are you feeling? What are you doing for self-care?

LA

does anyone know of a chat group like this for kids that are going through a divorce. i am alway worried about letting them in some chat groups but i would like them to talk to other children that are going through the same thing. my oldest went to counseling last night and his depression is getting worse. he wont talk to anyone but if i can get him to talk by computer it might be easier than in person. On the computer he might be able to open up more than talking to a person face to face.

I don't know if your WW would read it, but there is a section on thinking you are "in love" with the OP in the ebook at www.aftertheaffair.net and it deals with a lot of fog thinking (including how it hurts kids ultimately to divorce). It is a very conservative, marriage friendly book.

think you for the link it is also helpful.

well today my ww moved out with the OP I stood my ground and would not let her take anything but her own personal items and her property from before the M. it has been a tough evening for me and my children but we have been strong. I will keep hope but it will be tough going through all of this.

my wife and I will have a counseling meeting in the morning and we will see what comes of it and how her evening went. she was planning on taking the new bed that I bought for her to sleep on in the spare bed room while she was here, but when she was packing items in her van I informed her that since she wanted a fresh start than she will have one. i told her that she will need to start one with her own items not ours. So now she has no bed and items for her new condo, and they will have to sleep on the floor with no furniture.

The children are staying with me full time until she gets them some beds for them in the condo and we agreed that the kids have the right to choose to sleep over there on the weekends if they would like. I'm not sure if it’s the right thing to do but I just can’t keep them from there mom. Any suggestions?

One thing that I do suggest to anyone out there is to keep a journal on everything. I have found that it is actually my best therapy through all of this.

WLcmhelp, that's so very true. Before my d-day, 7/8/06, I had once again started a journal for keeping track of my diet and feelings as I worked through it. It has now become nothing more than that silent person that just listens to my rants and concerns. Even though I have begun Plan A and exposed EA to some family, I know my journal won't make judgements or cloud my committment to following through with fighting for my M and Family.
Keep the faith!

I have talk to the older two about the affair and that is not the way two adults should act and I am also having their counselor do the same.

It is much different with my 8 year old I just don’t know how to talk to him about this. He is so innocent in all of this and it just hurts him even when mom leaves. I have explained to him that it has nothing to do with him or his brother or sister but he is so young and confused. His first meeting with the counselor is on Monday so I hope with that it will help him sort everything out.

As with the OP I was am still backed into a corner. I have explained to the kids who he is and what they are doing is wrong and have expressed it to them all of the time. But as I explained earlier the older two are not biologically mine (even though I have been with them since they were 1 and 2 so I feel they should be. One of the things that I have asked my WW is when the divorce is final if I could adopt them. She won’t let me do it now fearing that I will take them from her. She is only a temp at her current job and will have no insurance or benefits and the kids just don’t need to be on state insurance when I am will to take care of them, but my insurance has told me that when the divorce goes through and is final that they will have to be removed from my insurance) and I have no say so on where they go and do. The only one I have control on is our youngest and I am still torn on taking him completely out off his moms life.

Today I did get her to finally sign papers stating that the children will live with me during the week and her on the weekends. She has been threatening to take them completely from me and in a legal since she will win if we go to court on the older two. I am still debating on going on the offensive and filing for temp full custody for my youngest but my problem is that with my current job I do travel and it will give my WW a chance to influence him more while I am out of town. And I know that is something that she would do out of anger towards me without thinking of what it will do to our son.

As for the info on the OP he is a coworker at her current job and he is also going through a divorce for the past 2 years. I feel that since his marriage has failed that he is convincing my WW that it is all right for hers to also fail and she should move on. I haven’t spoken to his wife yet and I am still trying to figure out if I will or not. It is tough because I have never been this person to hurt anyone I have always been as my counselor has put it a caregiver I have my intire life have looked out for other people before myself at least until now I have leaned my lesson with my WW but my children will always be first. My WW has told me that the OP wife has called her and has yelled at her but I don’t know if it is all true it is tough taking anything my WW has said to me because almost everything she has told me has be lies or half true.

Tomorrow will be a good day I am planning to take my children out on our boat and try to leave this entire ordeal behind for the day and relax. I am hoping to try to teach them to water ski hoping with us doing that it will take our mind off it all and have something new to talk about this week to make things easier or just a little less stressful.

For the older two there dad is currently nonexistent in there lives. In the first few years of our marriage he did make an effort to contact the kids and take them to his home for a week once a year. But I believe it was because of pressure from his family. He only lived 5 hours away. We moved to a city that is now only 3 hours away and he has not even tried to make an effort to contact them in the past 3 years.

It was sad to say but 5 years ago we asked him to sign papers to let me adopt the children and he did agree and at the end of our conversation it mainly came down to he didn’t want to pay child support.

You also hit the nail on the head about me filing for full custody on my youngest. That has been some of my concerns and I guess I am hoping to here from other people that have might have been through all of this. I know that my case is rare for me wanting two children that aren’t biologically mine but to me I have raised them and I feel the day that they were born was the first day I met them. I remember that day as if it was just like the day my youngest was born. I do feel my WW also feels the same because she has stated to everyone around us including our counselor and her lawyer that she will never keep the children from me that is why she has agreed to have the children with me during the week and her on the weekend. We are having the lawyer draw it up and it we are going down on Monday to sign it. I just hope she doesn't change her mind over night. She did state today that she is still in agreement with the counselor and me that I can provide them the most stable environment for them.

Today I and my three children went out boating and we had a blast. The day was good for the kids there was only a short time that they wanted to call my WW. So I let them call her. I don’t know if it was good or bad but I could tell in my WW voice that she was hurt that she wasn’t with us. Boating used to be one of our biggest family activities and I know it is one of the things the kids always talk about. Afterwards tonight after dinner she called the kids to say good night and when she was done talking to them we talked for a few moments and she cried to me saying how much she misses the kids and that it is hard but she will just have to get used to it. So I feel that it could go in her or my favor. I guess I will have to see.

She has been asking for items for her apartment and I don’t know if it is good for me to do this but I was advised by my lawyer and somewhat by my counselor (she suggested it but would not talk directly about it) not to give her anything except her personal items so that is what I am doing if anyone has a different suggestions please let me know. But as for now I am sticking to my plan.

My children and I are still keeping each other strong. We are doing it by them just being with me keeps me sane and I have to be strong when I'm around them so they know that we can all survive through all of this. And I have been keeping them busy and spending a lot of time with them explaining that what mom is doing is wrong but her and I both love them very much and none of this is their fault. The older two are doing much better now they are with the counselor and my youngest will be going for the first time Monday so I hope it helps him, but he isn’t show any of the signs that my older two are but we have been keeping him in the dark about some of the things that are going on. I’m just scared what it might do to him if he found out all of the truth but it will be hard for him. he doesn't know what a affair is but I have explained to him that what mommy is doing is wrong and family is most important and he doesn't have to try to make me or her happy no matter what we love him both the same and he doesn't have to prove anything and it s not his fault. What is going on it a bad decision by his mom and this is happening for me to learn that I wasn’t spending enough time with them and now it is my chance to make things right by us spending quality time together alone or with the other two children. It is still hard for him to understand why mommy isn’t sleeping in our house anymore but today is only the second day and it seemed that he handled a lot better than he did yesterday.

We will all be strong and I hope we have enough to rub off on my WW and realize that family is first and that she put it all second. Maybe someday!

What a great day with my children I pray for many more. I lost this feeling for 3 years when I turned into a workaholic. And I am just glad that I saw the error in my ways a year ago and now they are number 1 and it makes me happy and gives me great satisfaction to see them have so much fun and seeing them smile and know it’s because of me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I haven’t exposed her to her work but I also just don’t know how to do it. It has never been in me to do something like that but I also just don’t know what to say if anyone has anything that they use please let me know it would be helpful. I'm sure I could just send an anonymous email to her HR department but I am just lost for words and don’t know how to approach it.

Today is another day and it is still hard to bite my tongue and I am finding my self slip into her way of justifying everything by fighting I have finally am forced to just end the conversations and hang up or walk away. I feel that her way of coping with it all is to fight with me all of our conversations end up with her getting mad at me. I could just be a conversation about what me and the kids did today and it will end up with her saying that I am parenting her, and I even recorded a few of our conversations just to see if I actually was and I found nothing in it. So I guess I will just have to either keep the conversations down to the bare basics or just no conversations. Any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated.

My youngest had his first counseling session today and it was tough because he didn’t feel comfortable about going in alone and my wife jumped in and started throwing her input in and it came to I feel my son felt bad for her and himself that she hasn’t been around and she ended up going in with him. I know that the counselor will keep a handle on the conversations in the meeting but I also feel that her presence in the room will also make him say things that won’t hurt her and his true feelings won’t come out. But like I said this is just the first meeting and I’m just venting because I was left out of the whole meeting but I will make sure when he is comfortable that he will go in alone and won’t have to feel like he has to make us happy and will speak his mind.

After the children and I got home I made dinner and spent the evening watching a movie and I plan on giving them the night to think about what they talk to the counselor about and then in the morning over breakfast I was planning on talking to each of them about there meetings. With me being a male it is a little harder than it is with my WW to talk to the boys on these issues so if there is any books or article on this that anyone can suggest that would be great so I can talk to them a little easier. It is very easy to talk to my daughter. A father daughter relationship is always different than a mother daughter, and vice versa. So my daughter and I talk on all levels and she can open up to me much easier than she does with my WW. I just would like it to be the same with the boys.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

i need help with OP he keeps saying thing to my WW and is trying to turn her against me and making her file for full custody of my children and i cant do that because of what i have explained in my other notes above. i need help asap because i think she will try something in the next few days while im out of town and she has the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

up

Well today my children came home today and it was pretty tough for them I cant tell if being with mom for the first weekend all by them selves was good or bad they all seem different towards me today but I think after a few hours things have gotten better.

I have seen a different attitude with my WW today she actually has stopped be so hostile to me, and actually we had a few normal conversations this afternoon. We will just have to see if life is really tuning out the way she thought it would. It was funny the other day I did get a email from her saying



I though it was kind of funny but she didn’t <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I will just keep being strong and be there for my children like I always have. I do know that my WW doesn't have the money to file for the divorce right now so I know I have sometime to see what happens. Its just so tough loving her so much and seeing what she is doing to me and our children.