i posted this on the just found out but i would like more input.

i am lost on what to do with my wife. she has admited to cheating on me and now says she is in love with the OP. she went to the atorney last week and started the paperwork for the divorce.

i did alot of the wrong things when i found out about it 3 months ago basicly all of the wrong things and it is getting progressivly worse ever since. she still lives in the same house but in the spare bedroom until her apartment is ready in 7 weeks.

we have 3 children and i see it tearing them apart we have talked to them and explained that it has nothing to do with them and have put them in counseling and it helps. i feel lost for not being able to do anything.

where should i go from here do i let her go or is there a differnt approch i can take?

Hi WH,

Welcome to GQ11!
I'm sorry you have a need to be here, but please take comfort in the fact that you have found a fantastic place for caring support.

Have you read much around this site as yet?

I'd strongly suggest reading through some of the articles here (found in the articles section)...especially those outlining plan A & B.

The Harley books are also a fantastic resource...they are called Surviving an Affair (SAA) and His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN). They can be ordered here on the site, or found in both Chapters and Indigo book stores (as far as I know).

All is not lost, but first you'll have to make some decisions about how committed you are to healing your marriage. It's a tough road, but it can be done!

The weekends can be a little slow on the boards, but hang in there as more members will be along soon with questions, suggestions, and info.

Perhaps you could help us out by offering a few more details about your situation?

All the best to you!

Welcome to MB. Banyak has given you good advice.

As for the WS, don't let her stay until it is convenient for her to leave. Push her out B4 her time. Where will the children be staying? Secure custody of the children for u and not the WS.

Learn about the importance of plans A, B and exposure.

L.

I have informed her today that she must be out of the house in the morning. We have already decided that the children will stay with me during the week and with her on the weekends. I can provide a much stronger and stable environment for them than she can so they will spend most of the time with me.

the children are going to counseling and it has seemed to help them cope with it all but I keep seeing them get upset with her so that is my main reason for telling here to leave in the morning. I have gone through and pack all of her items and have them ready to go so she has no excuses.

I am doing plan A and now part of plan B I have spent the past week reading his needs her needs and Surviving An Affair and I am trying to follow them the best I can the kids help me by just being there and giving me strength but it is still hard but surviving

One of the biggest problems I have with all of this is the two children she had before we were married were 1 and 2 years old so in there and my eyes I am dad and have always been called daddy, but I was never able to adopt them mainly money issues until recently now I can afford it. But my wife wont now let me adopt them fearing I will take them away from here which I would never do. I believe that no matter what a child should have both his mother and father in there life. Our youngest is biologically mine so I do have full legal rights but it hurts know that I am powerless with the other two.

One other point that I would like to bring up is my wife’s past. she was brought up in a environment where her mother has had multiple A's and I believe that my wife has been conditioned to her mothers actions and doesn’t see it in a way that most people do so it is making it more of a challenge. Our marriage counselor is working with her on that but I don’t know where they are at in there discussions.

Don't make this convient for her. Make it good for the children. So the children are 1 & 2? Sooo young.

Btw, her mom's infidelity is not the cause. It c/b a symptom but not enough to hang a reason on. Nope. The A bug has bitten her and she is getting greedy by the minute. That's why it is important to expose and do so quickly. If she is seen as an unfit mother, the children c/b kept in a safer environment.

What will she be ocntributing for their care during the week? Making dinner for them? Cleaning their clothes? Don't give her less responsbilities. That w/b a measuring tool for you of her actions vs her words.

L.

the 2 children were 1 and 2 when we met they are now 12 and 13 and she will not be contributing during the week i feel less exposure will be better for the kids. she keeps trying to win them over and buy there love so i feel in this case less is better.

Thanks for the clarification. Even if she is the WS, she is also their mom. Her responsibilities are still hers but I understand your reasons. Just make sure you are not relieving her of her responsibilities so she has time to play.

The A has a way of making people irresponsible. Some of the examples we have read just here @ MB are shocking to say the least but very real. Just wanted you t/b prepared.

take care,
L.

does anyone know of a chat group like this for kids that are going through a divorce. i am alway worried about letting them in some chat groups but i would like them to talk to other children that are going through the same thing. my oldest went to counseling last night and his depression is getting worse. he wont talk to anyone but if i can get him to talk by computer it might be easier than in person. On the computer he might be able to open up more than talking to a person face to face.

well today my ww moved out with the OP I stood my ground and would not let her take anything but her own personal items and her property from before the M. it has been a tough evening for me and my children but we have been strong. I will keep hope but it will be tough going through all of this.

my wife and I will have a counseling meeting in the morning and we will see what comes of it and how her evening went. she was planning on taking the new bed that I bought for her to sleep on in the spare bed room while she was here, but when she was packing items in her van I informed her that since she wanted a fresh start than she will have one. i told her that she will need to start one with her own items not ours. So now she has no bed and items for her new condo, and they will have to sleep on the floor with no furniture.

The children are staying with me full time until she gets them some beds for them in the condo and we agreed that the kids have the right to choose to sleep over there on the weekends if they would like. I'm not sure if it’s the right thing to do but I just can’t keep them from there mom. Any suggestions?

One thing that I do suggest to anyone out there is to keep a journal on everything. I have found that it is actually my best therapy through all of this.

I presume you have not agreed to them sleeping over when OM is also sleeping over?

Yes we have but my only concern is that she keeps to the agreement. In the past few months not a single promise has been kept.

one of my biggest issues through all of this is our two older children 12 and 13 are not biologically mine and I haven’t adopted them so I have no say so on custody. My youngest I can and my lawyer has suggested getting full custody and hoping that she won’t want to break up the children. I just don’t know if I should do that. She isn’t thinking rational so I just don’t know if she will take the older two and split up the kids and say it’s my entire fault.

I do know that her A has nothing to do with me and it is not all my fault but I'm also concerned that is what she is telling the children.

Have you exposed this affair? Have you explained to ALL your children that she is having an affair and helped them deal with this? She will try to rationalize her affair to them, usually with you starring as the demon, if you don't get to them and help them with this. They need some good solid truth and moral guidance right now. The kids should not be allowed to be around the OM as they will see this as endorsement of the affair.

Who is this OM? How much exposure have you done so far?

I have talk to the older two about the affair and that is not the way two adults should act and I am also having their counselor do the same.

It is much different with my 8 year old I just don’t know how to talk to him about this. He is so innocent in all of this and it just hurts him even when mom leaves. I have explained to him that it has nothing to do with him or his brother or sister but he is so young and confused. His first meeting with the counselor is on Monday so I hope with that it will help him sort everything out.

As with the OP I was am still backed into a corner. I have explained to the kids who he is and what they are doing is wrong and have expressed it to them all of the time. But as I explained earlier the older two are not biologically mine (even though I have been with them since they were 1 and 2 so I feel they should be. One of the things that I have asked my WW is when the divorce is final if I could adopt them. She won’t let me do it now fearing that I will take them from her. She is only a temp at her current job and will have no insurance or benefits and the kids just don’t need to be on state insurance when I am will to take care of them, but my insurance has told me that when the divorce goes through and is final that they will have to be removed from my insurance) and I have no say so on where they go and do. The only one I have control on is our youngest and I am still torn on taking him completely out off his moms life.

Today I did get her to finally sign papers stating that the children will live with me during the week and her on the weekends. She has been threatening to take them completely from me and in a legal since she will win if we go to court on the older two. I am still debating on going on the offensive and filing for temp full custody for my youngest but my problem is that with my current job I do travel and it will give my WW a chance to influence him more while I am out of town. And I know that is something that she would do out of anger towards me without thinking of what it will do to our son.

As for the info on the OP he is a coworker at her current job and he is also going through a divorce for the past 2 years. I feel that since his marriage has failed that he is convincing my WW that it is all right for hers to also fail and she should move on. I haven’t spoken to his wife yet and I am still trying to figure out if I will or not. It is tough because I have never been this person to hurt anyone I have always been as my counselor has put it a caregiver I have my intire life have looked out for other people before myself at least until now I have leaned my lesson with my WW but my children will always be first. My WW has told me that the OP wife has called her and has yelled at her but I don’t know if it is all true it is tough taking anything my WW has said to me because almost everything she has told me has be lies or half true.

Tomorrow will be a good day I am planning to take my children out on our boat and try to leave this entire ordeal behind for the day and relax. I am hoping to try to teach them to water ski hoping with us doing that it will take our mind off it all and have something new to talk about this week to make things easier or just a little less stressful.

Where is the natural dad of the older two? Is he deceased? I think that if you get her to include the older two in some type of parenting plan that goes through the court system, even if it is a temporary one, then you will have a stronger case to petition for visitation rights should she decide to not let you see the older two. Your lawyer can probably tell you more about this than I could, though. Be aware that if you file for full custody of the youngest, so that your WW doesn't want to split the boys up, you must also consider that the judge will give custody to your WW just SO that the kids will not be split up. This would suck, and you will have po'ed your WW. This alone would make me more than eager to apease her a bit until a clear schedule has been established over time to show the court your commitment to the older two. And BTW, even if she makes it hard for you to see the older two, please make a huge effort to include them. It would be so painful to them if they ever felt "dropped". What a great dad you seem to be and the kids are so blessed with your efforts. Keep up the journal, it is such good documtenation.

For the older two there dad is currently nonexistent in there lives. In the first few years of our marriage he did make an effort to contact the kids and take them to his home for a week once a year. But I believe it was because of pressure from his family. He only lived 5 hours away. We moved to a city that is now only 3 hours away and he has not even tried to make an effort to contact them in the past 3 years.

It was sad to say but 5 years ago we asked him to sign papers to let me adopt the children and he did agree and at the end of our conversation it mainly came down to he didn’t want to pay child support.

You also hit the nail on the head about me filing for full custody on my youngest. That has been some of my concerns and I guess I am hoping to here from other people that have might have been through all of this. I know that my case is rare for me wanting two children that aren’t biologically mine but to me I have raised them and I feel the day that they were born was the first day I met them. I remember that day as if it was just like the day my youngest was born. I do feel my WW also feels the same because she has stated to everyone around us including our counselor and her lawyer that she will never keep the children from me that is why she has agreed to have the children with me during the week and her on the weekend. We are having the lawyer draw it up and it we are going down on Monday to sign it. I just hope she doesn't change her mind over night. She did state today that she is still in agreement with the counselor and me that I can provide them the most stable environment for them.

Today I and my three children went out boating and we had a blast. The day was good for the kids there was only a short time that they wanted to call my WW. So I let them call her. I don’t know if it was good or bad but I could tell in my WW voice that she was hurt that she wasn’t with us. Boating used to be one of our biggest family activities and I know it is one of the things the kids always talk about. Afterwards tonight after dinner she called the kids to say good night and when she was done talking to them we talked for a few moments and she cried to me saying how much she misses the kids and that it is hard but she will just have to get used to it. So I feel that it could go in her or my favor. I guess I will have to see.

She has been asking for items for her apartment and I don’t know if it is good for me to do this but I was advised by my lawyer and somewhat by my counselor (she suggested it but would not talk directly about it) not to give her anything except her personal items so that is what I am doing if anyone has a different suggestions please let me know. But as for now I am sticking to my plan.

My children and I are still keeping each other strong. We are doing it by them just being with me keeps me sane and I have to be strong when I'm around them so they know that we can all survive through all of this. And I have been keeping them busy and spending a lot of time with them explaining that what mom is doing is wrong but her and I both love them very much and none of this is their fault. The older two are doing much better now they are with the counselor and my youngest will be going for the first time Monday so I hope it helps him, but he isn’t show any of the signs that my older two are but we have been keeping him in the dark about some of the things that are going on. I’m just scared what it might do to him if he found out all of the truth but it will be hard for him. he doesn't know what a affair is but I have explained to him that what mommy is doing is wrong and family is most important and he doesn't have to try to make me or her happy no matter what we love him both the same and he doesn't have to prove anything and it s not his fault. What is going on it a bad decision by his mom and this is happening for me to learn that I wasn’t spending enough time with them and now it is my chance to make things right by us spending quality time together alone or with the other two children. It is still hard for him to understand why mommy isn’t sleeping in our house anymore but today is only the second day and it seemed that he handled a lot better than he did yesterday.

We will all be strong and I hope we have enough to rub off on my WW and realize that family is first and that she put it all second. Maybe someday!

What a great day with my children I pray for many more. I lost this feeling for 3 years when I turned into a workaholic. And I am just glad that I saw the error in my ways a year ago and now they are number 1 and it makes me happy and gives me great satisfaction to see them have so much fun and seeing them smile and know it’s because of me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't give her any material support for living away from her family home.

Have you exposed the A at work? She is a temp and may lose her position there but that is minimal impact. Less $$ to spend and the A will start to wilt. Too bad there isn't a bug spray you could use to kill the A....but alas, this stuff takes time. The OM c/b going through a D or just your Ws' version. Time will tell.

In meantime, use the tools you have. Do not share $$ or materials with the WS. Reassure your children of your love and support. Ask for theirs. Bond and survive, together.

take care,
L.

I haven’t exposed her to her work but I also just don’t know how to do it. It has never been in me to do something like that but I also just don’t know what to say if anyone has anything that they use please let me know it would be helpful. I'm sure I could just send an anonymous email to her HR department but I am just lost for words and don’t know how to approach it.

Today is another day and it is still hard to bite my tongue and I am finding my self slip into her way of justifying everything by fighting I have finally am forced to just end the conversations and hang up or walk away. I feel that her way of coping with it all is to fight with me all of our conversations end up with her getting mad at me. I could just be a conversation about what me and the kids did today and it will end up with her saying that I am parenting her, and I even recorded a few of our conversations just to see if I actually was and I found nothing in it. So I guess I will just have to either keep the conversations down to the bare basics or just no conversations. Any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated.

My youngest had his first counseling session today and it was tough because he didn’t feel comfortable about going in alone and my wife jumped in and started throwing her input in and it came to I feel my son felt bad for her and himself that she hasn’t been around and she ended up going in with him. I know that the counselor will keep a handle on the conversations in the meeting but I also feel that her presence in the room will also make him say things that won’t hurt her and his true feelings won’t come out. But like I said this is just the first meeting and I’m just venting because I was left out of the whole meeting but I will make sure when he is comfortable that he will go in alone and won’t have to feel like he has to make us happy and will speak his mind.

After the children and I got home I made dinner and spent the evening watching a movie and I plan on giving them the night to think about what they talk to the counselor about and then in the morning over breakfast I was planning on talking to each of them about there meetings. With me being a male it is a little harder than it is with my WW to talk to the boys on these issues so if there is any books or article on this that anyone can suggest that would be great so I can talk to them a little easier. It is very easy to talk to my daughter. A father daughter relationship is always different than a mother daughter, and vice versa. So my daughter and I talk on all levels and she can open up to me much easier than she does with my WW. I just would like it to be the same with the boys.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

i need help with OP he keeps saying thing to my WW and is trying to turn her against me and making her file for full custody of my children and i cant do that because of what i have explained in my other notes above. i need help asap because i think she will try something in the next few days while im out of town and she has the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Actually that's an assumption....c/b the WS is feeding the frenzy. Either way it's a bad thing. Best to avoid it all together. Go get busy with what is really important with your life and stop trying to find out what the screwballs are up to.

L.

it might be but it is what she told me today that she is going to file for temp full custody of all three children. i know i will more likely win for my youngest but i just dont knwo and it is making me frustrated haveing my hands tied. she is now seeing that she is making alot of bad choices and she is not being a good role model but still keeps up with the A.

i almost feel that because when we have a confortation i am normaly right not always by choice on my part. but i always included her in all decisions and alway let her speek her opions but re could never com to a compromise. that is one of the things that i hope our counselor will help with. that is one of the other things that has me confused is that she is still going and plans on keep going to our marraige counselor.

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