This was originally posted on Just Found Out, but I was advised that this area has a little more traffic. Thank you to LA and SB for the responses on the other post! I look fwd to continuing to read you advice and experiences!

I am a soldier deployed to Iraq. I went home on R&R to a shaky marriage. I thought that we had started a reconciliation on the phone a few weeks before I went back.

The first day was pretty good, with a limited amount of kissing and hugging. I found out 2 days later that she had hooked up with a guy I know, her journal fell open while i wass looking for her ID in the truck, who is also a soldier.

I confronted her with it and she called me an a**hole and said she would never forgive me for reading it. I controlled my temper and told her we could get past this, which surprised me. She said she needed to feel loved and that we had been having some problems before I left. She also said that she is confused right now, b/c she doesn't want a divorce. I told her i didn't want her to even contact him again, but i caught her texting several times while i was home.

Everytime we would start to reconnect she would run away to her girlfriends house and tell me I could call every 5 minutes if I wanted to. I didn't, but i wanted to. She told me she loved me for the first time in a week the day I flew back to Iraq and kissed me. We got in an argument about the journal thing over the phone and she hasn't said anything positive sounding since.

The other guy is on block leave and is about to deploy himself. I return home in less than 3 months. None of her friends or family knows, and i haven't told anyone...yet.

I only call her twice a week and rarely talk about us. I always end with an I love you and get an I know on her end. I love her with all my heart, but i am teetering on kicking her out and leaving her with as little as possible. We have 1 vehicle (in my name and credit) and the apt is also in my name. I have opened a seperate acct that I put half of my paychecks in. Also, she makes a little more than I do, so support is not an issue. Any advice would be helpful.

USSoldier-

The spouse of a soldier, deployed to protect our country, cheating is the worst thing I can think of.....although I know it happens a lot.

That being said, you seem to know a little about the OM, so I assume you know his name/rank etc? Can't you go to his superiors with this?? I know that I've read on this site where many a betrayed spouses have done that.

You should DEFINITELY expose this.....it shouldn't be your dirty little secret, you've done nothing wrong. You should expose to people who would have sway over your wife.

You don't sound to me like you are ready to "give up", therefore I don't think you should. You should do all you can to save your marriage, and if it does eventually fail, you'll know that it was not because you didn't try.

God Bless You. Please know that a heck of a lot of us appreciate what you're doing for our country. Be safe.

-Caren

#1, expose to his chain of command.....NOW.....and let your chain know what is going on too, if for no other reason than to have someone watching your back. You need this OM out of the picture, and his command will be a great asset in accomplishing that! Is OM married? If so, you need to expose to his wife immediately as well. You've done well to protect yourself financially, but one thing further I'd recommend is to put a deployment alert on your credit report. With that in place, no one can do anything in your name (even someone you've given POA to) without your consent. Not saying she'd do something odd, but WS's are strange creatures--they seldom behave in rational manners.

Your WW isn't going to sound "positive" until she comes out of the fog, and she's nowhere near that point yet. I'm sure you'll get tons of advice on doing a wonderful Plan A (because admittedly I don't have a clue on that one), but read up on everything you can get your hands on here and remember--exposure needs to happen to get this A out of the shadows.

A LOT can happen in three months. With the right plan (and you're in the right place to make that plan), tables can turn in your favor.

TL great advice!!

First of all, thank you for serving.

How horrible for you. What I can tell you about stats, is that with exposure, most affairs die a natural death within 6 mo-2 years. EXPOSE.

As above, when the WS is in the fog, they say the classic lines, I love you, but am not in love with you. The OP is just so different/special/bla, bla, bla


Pure chemical attraction, like an addiction. It won't last.
Once she sees the real OM, she will be very sorry. It takes time. Hang in there. THis happens to so many marriages.

USS, don't worry about OM's security clearance. He chose the behavior, and thereby is choosing the potential consequences. I believe there are a few words he needs to be introduced to.....like Integrity, Loyalty, oh, I could go on and on. Contact his chain of command as SOON as you find out his last name. If I were you, I wouldn't rest until I knew everything about him and had his commander on the phone! BTW, I'm a military wife who has been through numerous deployments...and whose FWH was involved with his best friend's wife while his BF was on an unaccompanied overseas tour, stuff like this not only nauseates me, it hits home!

When you talk to his CO, you can request that he receive a verbal reprimand and a direct order to cease ALL contact with your W. The UCMJ does cover adultery, but the severity of punishment is sort of at the discretion of the soldier's command. If he doesn't back off permanently, you can pursue anything from an Article 15 to a full-blown court martial. Severity IS a good card to have up your sleeve so you can up the ante to match any resistance you get from OM, but exposure isn't something to hold onto, it needs to be played as soon as you can do it!

As much as your gut wants him to be miserable, his misery won't help your situation. And no, you can't make any love bank deposits whilst the OM is still around. You've got to flush out the insurgents, my friend, and do it swiftly and with the utmost resolve! Yes, your WW will see red for a while, but while OM is still in the picture there is NO WAY she's going to see you as anyone other than a killjoy. Do NOT wait till you go home--you need to get the dirty work taken care of so you don't have to focus on anything but BUILDING when you get home.

Hang in there, keep reading and posting. We're on your side!

USS,

Concur. Expose to your family, her family, close friends that participated in your wedding, his CoC, and anyone in his circle of influence. Consider an online search for him using AKO or Intelius. UCMJ Article 134 is the most likely citation for this crime, although it will be difficult to prove, so find something that you can use to prove it... Even without proof, his CoC will likely inquire with him about whatever you can give them that is substantive about his relationship with your WW. That should leave a lasting impression. Any amateur PIs in your circle of friends... consider asking them to keep an eye out for you. Continue to snoop. The internet is a powerful tool and you can find out a lot for free, even more with some chump change...

Keep up the fight. This is a noble battle and you need to act decisively and keep moving forward.

I am planning to send a warning email to him, or at least to the email address i believe is his. My biggest problem is proving it. I don't have access to her journal anymore and even if I did she destroyed the pages. Also I can't change the password on my cell acct w/out her knowing. I am still trying to find a way to find his last name.

Thank you all for your support.

by the way, TL, about deployment alert on the credit report do i have to call someone about that?

USS, I strongly suggest you don't send him a warning. Let his CoC send that warning. You don't necessarily have to *prove* anything to convince his CO that he needs a verbal reprimand and at least you won't be backtracking in the future if you NEED to follow up with further action. Remember, exposure isn't a threat--it's getting the A out in the light of day. Just tell his CO or whomever you talk to that you know from your WW's personal writings that she is involved with this guy--you aren't pursuing anything in a court yet, you don't have to convince a jury. Snooping with the help of someone you trust where your WW is will provide you with proof if you need it.

The deployment alert can be placed on your credit report through the big agencies--Experion is one, I'm drawing a blank on the other but I'll check and get back with you if you wish. A JAG rep or someone in Finance should be able to give you contact info. Here in Germany where we've got units deploying left and right, it's all over AFN to include deployment alerts in pre-deployment preps. Funny, that's one I'd never heard before and we've done this deployment thing five times!

Keep strong, and do whatever you can to find out everything about him that you can possibly get. Maybe someone on MB knows how to find somebody's last name. Do you have his phone number?

Dont send a warning. Let them have no knowledge beforehand of you telling your/his superiors. It will only give him time to prepare his defense and try to make you look like a crazy husband who is imagining things.

TL,

I can't get my cell phone records b/c it will send a text msg to her phone when i change the password. WW has a very close friend, bf for along time, there. I am going to call her tonight and try to get OMs last name. I still don't want to expose though.

I was reading some other threads and i know she has feelings for this guy, b/c she said she did. The thread I was reading was a newbie one and said that these usually end up bad. The "good" news (I think) is that he is on leave now - only phone contact is possible - and he deploys in 2 weeks, also the A is only about 1.5 months old. Any chance this will cause it to burn out, that way its her choice to be done and come back?

Do you think this could open the door back up to me in combination with notifying his COC?

I am also very hesitant on exposing to her BF or MIL (who happens to be my biggest supporter). My WW is extremely private and i fear that this type of exposure along with her already not trusting me for breaking my promise to not read her journal, will actually be the end.

Honestly, I think the only reason she is still with me is financial support, which I have limited (she still makes more though) and the fact that the truck and apt are both in my name and she has horrible credit and will have nothing. I am working on finding my legal rights before I expose anything.

Again, thank you so much.

sundog,

got it... no warning. Just a thought, what if i just informed his coc and didn't expose WW to family and friends? I also don't want to talk to my coc about it.

Thank you for the support on this, I know that they knew the consequences, but this just feels vengeful rather than relieving.

USS, first you've got to separate vengeance from protection of your marriage. Think of it this way--if you found a tick on you one day, sucking the blood from your body and introducing all manner of toxins into your system, how would you go about ridding yourself of this parasite?

Your marriage has a parasite sucking the lifeblood out of it and causing an infection that threatens to kill it. This is not the time for 'relief', it's the time for calculated, rational, and EXTREME measures to be taken to not only remove the parasite, but to ensure that protective measures are in place to ward off any further contact.

Yes, the relative 'newness' of the A could be a good thing, but don't count on newness as a reason for it to die out on its own. A bit of warning--four months after our D-day, my H, kids, and I moved out of the country per PCS orders, thousands of miles away from the OW. He STILL contacted her via phone and email, on the government's time, not at home! If (and I'm assuming she is) your W is nearby a military installation, she can recieve DSN-redirected morale calls from him once he's downrange, and as you know, he will have internet access during the deployment. Nothing is a sure bet. Ok?

OM's chain of command is your first and best line of defense, especially given your reservations about exposing to your W's BF and your MIL. But DO call that friend of hers and get his last name. Get a deployment alert on your credit, and expose him to his CoC.

In the meantime, try to find out what your W is needing from you besides financial support, at whatever level. Don't discourage yourself with "feelings" she has for this OM. My H told me MONTHS after D-day that he never thought he'd feel as strongly for me as he did for FOW. Now.....well, a year and four months later, she's nothing more than a stain on his life that he would love nothing more than to forget eternally. Feelings aren't a good barometer of anything, because true love is based on a choice, not on hormones.

Keep on keeping on!

Its a slow day today, so I took some me time. Thats why I've written so much today.

I just had an interesting talk with the chaplain. He brought another point of view about the exposure issue. I laid out everything I've read here and he suggested that I hold off on forcing the NC, and see if she chooses it on her own. With OM deploying to a fairly remote location he will not be able to meet any of her ENs and I will be home soon thereafter.

I have just enough in me to wait for a short amount of time to see this method through, but am still debating everything I read suggests. I hope that no one takes offense, alot of this is me trying to work this out. I am an analyst by trade and have all the bad habits as such! lol (I found it funny anyways) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I overanalyze everything. I'll have to do some running to sort this one out

I know this needs to be brought to light and it will be, but I need to make sure my apt and truck are taken care of until I get back.... Not to mention having her to pick me up.

I am much more of a face to face "fighter" anyways. I want to be there when the proverbial s*it hits the fan so she can react how she will. I now realize how many cards I truly hold, and am seeking God's guidance as to which to play and when. I have decided to make my stand. I am writing a script/outline of things I want to talk about on my next phone conversation with her (which will be wed).

I am laying my heart out on the line and owning my own faults and shortcomings, but letting her know that what she did was her decision, but not my fault at the same time. I will be kind, respectful, and assertive. I will not sound depressed as I was while I was home on leave, when I found out, b/c its time to "man up" some and take the offense.

Let me close by saying that I am a fighter and I don't lose often!!! With all of you by my side, I may lose some battles, but the war will be won!!

PS: There will be no warnings when the exposure does happen, it will just happen. In the mean time, I will take all advice to heart and soul and maintain my belief that the big guy upstairs is guiding my decisions all the way! So again, if I don't take the advice right away, know that I am writing it in my journal and will most likely use it when I feel its time.

Hi, USS. I am an analyst too. So I know all about overanalyzing things.

So, let me give you a few things to think about.

1. I agree that exposure is not your best move at this time. BUT, only becasue you do not have enough information. YOu need to get more info. And recon if you can. When you are home, or now if you have buddies that can check information out for you, get the required details. From personal experience, what you think and wha tyou find out will be far different.

Currently you are givng your WW the benefit of the doubt. BUT you will find out that it is very likely to be 10 times worse than you think.

WHy do I say that? My WS is Navy. (Canadian) When I first came here, I just could NOT beleive that my WH was committing adultery. BUt he was. He abandoned not only me but our DD.

I did expose. TO his CO, to the Base Commander, to HQ. To JAG. TO far more than that. Unfortunately in Canada there is little to nothing that the military will do for a betrayed spouse.

In the US, however, you will at least have a CHANCE to work on your Marriage. Look at patriot's thread form yesterday. He had to babysit an OW.

USS, I will tell you right up front, even with exposure there is a tough road ahead of you. WIthout exposure, your chances of saving your marriage are about zero.

Your chaplain might think you should wait on your WW to "do the right thing". HOwever, he is not an expert on Marriage BUilding. And frankly he is unqualified to give you such advise.

Get your ducks in a row. Do not reveal anything to your WW. Expecially this site. Or anything about your plans. Protect your finances. And buckle up. This road will be rough beyond belief.

Own your own stuff and work on you. BUt do not take any blame for your WW's CHOICE to commit Adultery. USS, remember, Adultery is NEVER okay"

Good Luck

FA,

Thank you for the respone!

I know the road ahead is going to be hard. I fully expect this and hate it. Today is one of those days where I just feel like not even trying.

Today is also a scheduled call day, as it is one of her days off. I am going to talk to her about how I'm feeling, for the first time. I have several non-confrontational bits that just let her know what my stance is, and that I am unwavering on it. I have decided that when I do expose, I'm going to limit the exposure as much as I can. I have been dropping hints to her MIL, but they are very subtle.

I know its unrealistic, as she is a liar right now, but I am hoping she will fess up to someone that knows me well, and can pressure her. A military wife she works with knows, but i'm not sure how much help she is for me, since I really don't know her. She has grown up in the military and knows the difficulties, so hopefully this will help a little.

Another unrealistic thing I hope happens is that WW is one of those that once the spouse returns they get on with their lives and try to put what happened into the "its done and over with" file. This won't happen, but I can always hope.


I feel overwhelmed with the decisions I will have to make to save my M, which is very, very important to me. I pray everyday for strength and guidance.

So much reading, so little time.

I have a very pressing question. I just finished reading dananurse's (if this is not completely correct I apologize) struggle with ending her A. There were some readings that were suggested that I would like for my WW to read to help shed some light on herself. Would it be a good idea to pass this info along, as she has said that my counseling sometimes helps her also?

Thanks so much!

Hey, US...

Do not attempt to pass on (nice way of putting it) books to your WW...until she is FWW, you would be educating her.

Bad idea to try to educate a WW. Tells WW you think she needs educating...can be taken many different ways.

When your WW becomes FWW...owns her actions, her choices and goes NC, commits to rebuilding the marriage, and asks for help, that's when the reading lists are brought out.

Read for you...you'll find comfort, acceptance and acknowledgment that you're not alone or crazy.

Do not counsel your WW. This doesn't inject respect. She is capable, whole and complete...as are you. When she asks, "What should I do?" "I believe in you. I know you'll choose what is best for your life. I believe I am choosing what is best for my life, which is saving my marriage."

Could be she asks you what she should do about the washer, the car, or a troublesome friend...same answer.

LOL

I'm ornery. Worked for me.

LA

LA,

Thank you for the advice. I was not able to call her last night b/c of an incident here on the base, so my here's how I feel conversation didn't get to happen.

I did however manage to talk to one of my best friends from college, who happens to be stationed at FT. Bragg and isn't deployed like me. I exposed the affair to him. I asked him to do some recon for me.

My WW and him had a spat 6 months ago, so him coming out of no where was not the right answer, but WW knows that I haven't been able to make contact with him, which is true up until last week. He is going to drive by, if the OMs vehicle is there he is going to take pictures of the vehicle in relation to the apt/my truck. He is also going to call to help me catch her in her lies.

He is not in a position to pressure her to end the A, but a presence that is related to me becoming part of her life again could help.

Telling him was like I had lifted a boulder off of my shoulders, and for some reason I was granted peace for the first night in a month and a half. Its too bad I still only get to sleep for 5-6 hours, but at least it was uninterrupted by dreams and waking thought patterns.

OM deploys within the next 2 weeks. I am still working on getting unit and last name. I have my detailed cell phone bill being mailed to my friend to mail to me, b/c I can't remember my online password and to change it would txt her phone, which is actually my phone. I will have his cell number then.

I just don't know what to do from now until I get home. I can't use the expose option much over here, and I can't call her out on her lies, or say anything that would come off as a guilt trip. My hands are tied and my head is reeling.

I pray every night for the strength to carry on this epic battle whole heartedly despite the feeling that all is for not.

Can't you notify his unit? The military doesn't view adultery casually.

So you got to share your truth with your best friend and slept well...sharing yourself, your situation, matters, doesn't it?

Would that be what you can do until you can do more?

Listen and repeat during any conversations with her; be O&H with her about your thoughts, feelings and beliefs...use "I feel" and "I believe" statements about you, for you...with her. You're worth knowing...regardless of her reaction.

I spent time in self-examination...writing out my amends...really seeing my stuff...I don't know if you have those...reading Love Busters really opened my eyes to permissions I gave myself...and owning those, amending those and not doing them changed everything...

I focused on changing me...not to be more of what I thought my H wanted...but to be more of what I found out I really was...

Now, this was after JL wrenched my focus off my WH...

LOL

Your hands are not tied, if you choose to see your life that way. Every word, action, perception, thought and belief are yours...wide open...even if you were there, you couldn't wake her from the fog...no one can. This is the head reeling part...

You matter. You have influence. She's shutting out that influence. Each time you want to make her see something...see that as a signal of you overstepping your limits. Flip it over, whatever it was, and see if you see it, know it, and have the guts to share it as something in you.

Did you see my Owning All Your Villagers Thread? I'm big into distractions when your hands are tied and your mind is reeling...you could give it a try.

You could explain to me again, 'cuz I'm slow tonight, why you want to expose to OM's CO first, then do the family, friends exposure when you get home?

LA