Neak,

Thank you for the post and the support!

I will be home Sept-Oct time frame. I should have at least 8 months before OM returns. From talking to WW bf, she sounds to be very near a break down. I don't know this, but.... I don't know.

We'll see on how long I can hold on.... I just don't know right now, but its like I told her. Its to easy to make a decision when I am all the way over here.

One day at a time...

You can help right now.....Be the best YOU, that YOU can be....limit/don't talk about all of this with your WW unless SHE brings it up.....and then when she does...talk about it.....then YOU stop it!!! Just say....."we can talk about this another time" "I want to hear about your day....".....then listen and ask questions to demonstrate YOU ARE LISTENING!!! Conversation and listening are usually women's #1 emotional need....or at least way up there on the list.

Concentrate on you!!! You are doing fine!!

And as always......be safe please!!! And thank-you again for what you do for US!!!! We are proud of you !!!!!!!!!!!!!

MWIL

LA,

Thanks for the post. I look forward to them, I really don't mean to overlook anyones. They all have so much good advice and support.

I have to take a short break from IC b/c we are moving and the Doc is already gone. I did meet with him the day before he left. I have found what causes the angry thoughts and have learned to control them for the most part. The problem is that there is little I can to to keep my mind off of my sitch.

I have learned to not ignore my emotions, as I often do, and I was almost able to let myself cry. My IC has been trying to help me stop pushing that feeling away, but its not taking well on me.

He said this is b/c of how i was raised and the fact that "soldiers don't cry" (which we all know isn't true). He also thinks its b/c i will feel like I'm losing control of myself, but said it would actually make me stronger. I understand what he is saying and I try to let myself feel the hurt that causes the tears a little longer each time.

I don't want to raise to many red flags before I get back. I want to have 100% irrefutable proof before I present to his COC and possibly the IG. The next time I talk to WW bf I will at least get his unit number. She is pretty mad at OM and no longer considers him a friend.

Side note.... WW apparently got mad at bf for talking to me before about WW and I. BF may not be a source of Intel for awhile, but is there for me in any case.

I am also changing the home phone # and reclaiming my cell phone when I return. The second could cause a fight, but its one that I will take on, as it has been my # for 6 years and all of my friends and family have it.

I will do my best to never skip another post. I was probably exhausted that day from triple duties. Thank you again!

MWIL,

Thanks for the visit! I'm glad to hear things are still going so well for you!!

If she answers the phone wed / or thurs I will talk to her and use the listen and repeat method with minimal R talk or responses, and only if she brings it up. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open and keep emotions in check regardless of what she says.

I did pretty good at this last time, the emotion part anyways.

Thanks again for the checkup!!

Talked to WW last night. Not much about R stuff, thank goodness, b/c I didn't have alot of energy last night (the heat is getting me a little).

Anyways, we talked about whats goin on, and she actually volunteered info for the first time in a couple months. She told me where she went the other evening, I hope she is telling the truth, but with OM gone I don't think she is telling lies. We talked about some stuff we used to do and laughed about it.

If things were different I would have really enjoyed the conversation. I made one mention of how we'll have to have a competition on a game when I get and got that indifferent or almost sad sounding "ya".

If she wants out, why is she still around and talking to me the way she is rather than just leaving and ignoring me?

She is "fence sitting"....classic WS stuff....battle within her. Just show her the strong you!! Think of your WW to be "lucky" that YOU even are entertaining the thought of "keeping" her, with all this stuff going on. That thought must stay within you.....realize that YOU are HONORING your marriage..."through good times and in bad".....and make no mistake....these are "bad" times. It is guidance from a higher power that will soothe your soul...and give you strength through these "bad" times.

You are in a place where you need to think of this woman (your WW) as a new person that you want to attract.

You would not be talking about how much you "love and want" a new person...when you start a relationship...so don't do it now!!!! Be a new guy....one that attracts a person. Let the old relationship go. Start a new one!!! Only you can use the MB pricipals to be even a "better" you, than what your "W" met years ago when you first started dating!!

Good luck....thanks again!
MWIL

i agree with mwil ,the realashionship is gone now you are starting over ,so you got to be strong through this no matter what....
if you could dodge bombs in bagdad which im grateful your there and have many fam and friend that are there too you could be strong enough to fix this
you have to believe whatever atrracted her to you in the first place you can find again but dont push it
desparation is not atractive and is not you find the real you again be strong
be confindent
be yourself
thats all you need because your honarable already you dont have much to prove just get yourself back to that confident state of mind you can do it<i dont know if i can >but you can you proved that by going to fight for the entire world that you know your strong enough for anything
try to think about that not for a minute forever if you can do what your doin now you can handle anything
god bless and remember people who dont even know you love you for your sacrfice you will get the best life you could even imagine its only gonna come when you believe it too

MWIL and JM,

Thank you both for the support!

This still sucks, but yesterday for some reason a switch flipped in my head and my mood has improved alot...must be acceptance.

JM, I do question one thing you said about being strong enough to dodge bombs being strong enough to fix this.... It doesn't bother me to be shot at, it kills me that I have to deal with a WW... oh well, "for better or for worse" at least one of the two of us is holding to their vows.

Thanks again!!! Have a good day all! I will b/c I choose to!!

hey man me too i feel the same way and i think alot of it has to do with we ,and everyone else with comon sense knows their on a down ward spiral and we cant take that bullet
they wont let us take that bullet and thats killen us more the fact that we care so much but in these type of situiations we cant help actully we make em worse???????????????????????
we got to be strong and figure out what needs to be done but its gonna be a long fight and you got the upperhand cause in in one for everybody so it will take you easier then me to find a way to battle this problem and i whish you all the best brother

Good job with the phone call. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you have a way to get proof before you get home, by all means use it.

Even without proof, you should still talk to your CO and explain what you know and how you know it. Although you may not want to launch a full investigation at this time, your CO may be able to offer you help and support anyway.

Keep up the good convos, and hang up just a little before she is ready. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks JM and Neak.

I am supposed to call MIL tonight, so I may have an update tomorrow. WW is flying to MILs 02 August. I am not exposing, just not allowing WW to try to shoot down some bull sh*t excuses she may try to use.

I may also let MIL know that WW has been hiding info and money and has been caught in a couple of lies. Haven't decided on this yet.

Thanks again!

PS I'm still waiting on my cell bill to get here to run a reverse on OM cell number. Frustrating.

Good to see you posting. You have some time left, so I hope you will really read and read on this site. Do it until the Plans become second nature. Then you will have the guidance to do what you need to do.

You will get through this, and come out stronger. It is miserable at first, but a life changing experience.

B,

Thank you for the continued encouragement. I have been able to take hold of my mood and stay in a fairly good one for the last week. People have noticed.

I will continue this until it is a natural feeling again. Things have gotten pretty busy over here lately, so that helps also.

Update: Talked to MIL on the phone a couple days ago. Asked how everyone is, got the update...she told me about plans with WW. She might be wondering about WW having an A now (my hints must have struck something) b/c she said that she will be every where WW goes... its only right, she paid for the ticket.

MIL says she is going to talk with WW. I asked her to not risk her relationship w/ her daughter for a decision that neither her, FIL, or I can make for WW. She said that as long as I still love WW that there is still hope that no matter what happens everything can work out.

The whole family is trying to keep my hopes alive, but like I told MIL...you don't know everything I do. WW flies up there today. I haven't had time to talk to WW this week. I will talk to her next week sometime...don't really feel a need to talk to her anymore.

Anyways, I'm almost done in Iraq so at least I have something to look fwd to...coming back to the states!!! I don't say home b/c I really don't feel like I have a home right now, but at least I'll have my dogs, beer, and pizza again!!!!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy day!

I just got done checking my email....WW sent a message asking why I hadn't called her yet today (Wed) told me her work schedule and asked me to call when I have time on Thurs.

This is just fence sitting right?

Yes....or an aspect of it.....Call her when YOU feel like it.....think back to before you knew about the A.

We all have a "neediness" quality, to some degree, but bypass that.....it can be separated from the real feelings, it just takes time. When you do call, again, sound upbeat, but still interested in her day or days!!! No R talk, then YOU end the conversation!!!!

Keep going...hour by hour....day by day......and stay SAFE!!
God bless,
MWIL

US,

Can we get a count down to when you're back in the US?

I don't need a big neon board (pink bulbs) flashing...but a delivery date would be great.

handle with care.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

LA,

I don't have an exact date yet, but it is between 45-60 days! Thanks for asking. I can't wait to get back to the states.

Now for the juicy stuff!

I talked to WW last night. She had sent a message asking why I hadn't called yet (didn't tell her I didn't really feel like it...not honesty, but I don't want to rock the boat right now).

Anyways, she had all kinds of updates from her work and stuff fhe has been doing. She unloaded alot of stuff about what she has been doing. I just listened, finally I said that someone else was inline for the phone and I had to go.

I came into work this morning and checked my email after my morning report was done and there were 3 emails. The first was before I called her saying that she was getting worried. The second was right after I called about nothing important. The third was to call asap, non emergency. I called and man did she have alot to say.

We talked for an hour about our R. Actually, she talked for 50 minutes about our R, I mostly listened (as instructed!!). She must have had a break thru in her IC or something, or she is having a moment out of the fog, don't know.

She started by saying that she had totalk to me about alot of stuff that she has been needing to get off her chest and that she had talked to her IC about. She expressed how sorry she was for the pain she had caused me.

She said that the pain she saw in my eyes was more than she could handle. She said how she never wanted to hurt me the way she has, and that there is no excuse for what she did. She apologized at least 5 times and said she would understand if I could never forgive her, but she hoped I could.

She told me that our earlier convo was really nice and that she forgot how good it felt to include me in her life again. She told me that she has not talked to OM in 3 weeks and said that she ended it, to work on us.

Her big reason for this was that while she was doing her "HW" from the IC she kept coming back to all the times she was having hard times in her life during the last 5 yrs and said that she realized just how much I was there for her. She said that no one has ever been there for her like I have. She doesn't want to lose this.

She says that even if we would have D'd she felt something inside that it would have been short lived and we would have gotten back together.

Now comes the part I am having some trouble with. She started crying and asked if she could tell me some more, she said she knows this is alot to put on me right now, I told her that I am here and appreciate everything she is saying, so go ahead.

She said that she feels that when I come home, she wants to move out for a little bit so we can start all over and more importantly so she can prove to me that she can make it on her own. She said that we will still be married, will be exclusive (b/c her A sickens her now), and will spend lots of time together at each others places.

She also said that we will spend the weekends together and go on dates to get to know each other again, if I still want to. I said that sounds good. I did tell her that I don't like the idea of living apart, but it is her decision to make, not mine.

She said at the end of the call, which I ended with "I have to get back to work and will talk to you later. She said one more thing, your b-day is coming up and I know what I am getting you. I need you to send me your address again (apt flooded and it was lost) and your cell # so I can call if you worry me again or if I just want to talk to you.

I said ok, I am here for you to talk to, but it is at the discretion of my work schedule.

Any thoughts??? No I am not overly optimistic, but it is a small step in the right direction. Still see her as WW not FWW, but I hope the latter is the case. I said we'll take it one day at a time and see how it goes. I am strangely calm and have been for the last few days. Thank you all for your continued support. I will be losing cpu access soon, so don't worry if I don't post much after the 13th or so.

This is good. But do not get pulled too far in yet. Keep Plan Aing, and keep moving forward. Once you are back, you two will need to get in MC right away. The Harleys are great on here. Steve is great with coming up with a plan to move forward. He is expensive, but worth it. And you do not want to trust your marriage to a counselor that ends up causing more issues than you already have.

You will need professional help to get thru this. Your marriage needs this. She will need to send OM a no contact letter also.

But all-n-all...this is great.

BE STILL!!!! Stay strong!! This is a good development...but prepare for the old "3 steps forward, 2 steps back"!! If she does or says something that doesn't "feel" good or right, then don't mope or force HER choice....just be confident in yourself!!

Let her come to you......don't guilt her into it...not try to manipulate her.....just feel darn good about YOU!! It WILL attract her back to some degree....again, this is HER battle within herself....and the fog did break some during your conversation....but it can set back in....DON'T DESPAIR!! It doesn't just go away in one fell swoop!!!

God bless you, sir! My thoughts and prayers are with you!!!

MWIL

I would not make a huge deal out of her wanting to move out, but not agree with her on it, either.

"[Wife}, I cannot stop you from moving out, and I know that. But what I want most is to live with you as husband and wife. I love you, and I know we can heal from this if we are both willing to do so. Our marriage can be better than ever before, but we will heal much faster if we are together."

And then change the subject, don't push it. If she brings it up again, say the same thing. Eight variations on a theme.

She may leave, but no reason to make it easy for her.