MM, MWIL, and Neak,

Thank you all for the posts. I am not getting drawn in b/c I don't trust her. As a matter of fact, I am fighting alot of resentment and anger towards her right now.

Its selfish, but the nicer I have been to her while talking to her has brought me almost to the point of indifference. I do love my WW, but am now starting to doubt that I can live with what she did.

It makes my heart happy when she opens up to me, so my heart is not closed off to her, but my mind is. I work on my stuff, she works on hers...we are not really able to work on stuff together....maybe that has a little to do with how I am feeling.

As far as the move out plan, I want to gather more facts. I need accountability of her as one of my boundaries, but will not have that with her someplace else. I just want to tell her that we are either married or we are not, this living apart thing doesn't feel right to me at all, but I will not press it or manipulate her, therfore I can't say what I want to; even if I own it by syaing "I feel...."

I realise this is a good step fwd, but it makes it harder for me b/c I have been teching myself that I don't need her in my life and now I believe just that. I always prepare for the worst, that way if it doesn't happen everything is good (military mindset), but is that the wrong attitude to have in this case.

She has not mentioned counseling and I don't want to bring it up again. I may mention it in passing, but she needs to be fully receptive.

Oh well, I guess I will just stay the course and see what God has in store for me.

Keep in mind that either your time at home will either be recovery, which though difficult has very nice moments too, or it will be a short lull before Plan B.

So it will either be pretty good, or not bad for very long.

Thanks for the post neak. I have been really busy here and haven't had much time to focus on my mental improvements. All I do right now is work, exercise, and sleep.

I understand that my return will either be recovery or plan B. Right now it looks like recovery, but I refrain from being optomistic. Phone conversations are almost enjoyable and she says its so nice having the lines of communication open again.

This, she says is the key to us coming back together. Its nice to get her emails asking when I will have time to call, but I still only call if I feel like it. I called on Monday just b/c I was thinking about WW for some reason. She was so excited and asked if I was reading her mind again. Says she thinks about me all the time now and wishes we could spend more time talking.

She hasn't said anything about moving out recently and said that she had to go buy some stuff to replace some of "our" things that were damaged when "our" apt flooded.

Just read her email, she said she is looking forward to my call tonight. This is such a turn around from 3 weeks ago when I told her how I felt and stopped clinging to a dead relationship. Amazing how that advice worked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My day to day is actually pretty good again. I'm back to being the sarcastic and funny guy in the group again and it feels so good. I am concerned of the price of this new attitude though. In order to do this, I have had to forget about WW and our situation.

In any case, all is well and time is flying. I'll be back for the fight soon, but the fight looks to be heading in the right direction.

Hope all have a great day!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Good...very good!! But always remember ACTIONS and not words are the best indicator of where she is right now. But since you can really see the actions, her words are all you have to go on! Take a breath.....enjoy the progress....but always remember and prepare for the fact that there will be some setbacks. Plan ahead, and prepare NOW for what you would do if "this" happens or "that" happens....practice it in your head.....with the MB principals being the fabric to your actions and words. You may plan for 3 situations....5 situations or even more.

And these excersizes now, when practiced, will allow them to become more natural when home and in recovery.

Keep us posted!!
Again, nice job!!
MWIL

MWIL,

Thanks for the response!

I always have three COAs (course of action in military lingo) for everything. I believe in being as prepared as possible. I do practice the MB principles everyday and have been excelling.

I talked to WW/FWW last night. I think that I really do believe that the A is over, but I still can't see that for a fact, but she is completely different from where she is. She is O&H (as far as I can tell) and upbeat talking about plans for us.

I have done some limited exposure and have managed to put enough pressure on her A for it to die quickly. I listened to her negative side and repeated. The next thing I know, its almost all positive...and now its all about working together to be together again.

She is moving out just as I get home, but rather than going all the way across town she recognized my concern, and found a place 2 minutes up the road. We talked about it and my concerns last night. She asked if I would be able to help her move, and

I said "I still don't agree with this, but it is your decision and I will help."

She said "I know what you are concerned about and I am giving you a key. I have nothing to hide from you anymore. I just think that we need to take it slow at first."

Me: Ok, that sounds like a plan, and thank you for finding a place closer to our apt."

Her: I asked if it would be a problem for you to move in when our lease is up at the old apt and they said it will be no problem. So as long as things are going the way I hope they do, we only have to wait until April. Thats not to say that we won't spend some nights together though.

Me: I guess that will work. One day at a time.

The convo about R, which she brought up, pretty much ended there. She has told me some about the A, never mentioned that on here, but she is protecting the real name of OM. Everything else seems to add up though.

On to a lighter part of the conversation. We joked about having joint custody of our 3 dogs. I told her I want my husky and at first she agreed, but then asked me to take our hyper mixed breed since I have been playing with the K-9 unit dogs and the trainers have been giving me tips. I still want my husky so we decided on a rotation. POJA!!

Thats all I have for right now. I hope MIL doesn't make her mad this week while WW/FWW is there this week. We'll see.

Have a good day!

Update.

Recieved an email yesterday requesting that I call FWW/WW as soon as I had a chance.

I called last night to see what was up as she was visiting MIL and fam. She walked outside for total privacy and began her heart to heart.

She started by telling me about how she has talked alot with her mom about all kinds of her stuff. She said that she has realized how she was pushing me away and making up reasons to deny that she still loved me to protect herself from feeling like my I was abandoning her. This is an issue she has had for years.

She said that she knows that everything she did was wrong and that all she wants to do is make it right. She said that being with her family helps her to feel closer to me in many ways.

She told me about her desire to PCS (transfer posts), which I would like to do, but don't have enough time left in the Army to do this. She said we will just have to stick it out then.

Then she told me how she wants to quit her job and maybe find a part time one so we don't have conflicting schedules. That way we will be able to go away for weekends and have evenings off together. She said that she wants to give up her job (which pays better than mine) so we can be happy again.

Then she told me about her secret bank acct and is going to close it and put the money into our joint savings. She said that she feels so terrible about all the hurt that has been caused.

She told me about how she has been reading the books I left behind from the chaplain and it has opened her eyes to everything I have been saying since April. She is reading and reciting everything.

Then she asked how I felt about all of this.

I told her it all makes me happier, but a part of me is going to be on the defense from this for awhile. That her A is not something I am just going to forget. This made her sad. I told her that my wounds will be able to heal faster when I can see and really feel all of this as opposed to hearing them 18,000 miles away.

At the end, she told me that she has remembered how much she really loves and is in love with me. She thanked me for being strong even when she was weak and hurting me. I was her light house, standing true and shining bright.

She has also decided not to move out because she feels that when I get back, I will need her more than ever and she wants to be there for me the way I have always been there for her as I readjust to the real world.

Talk about a total 180 from just a few weeks ago. Still staying on the defense, b/c I am still having trouble trusting this given that a simmilar sitch, but not to this extent, happened in may (when the A began). I have done great with removing LB's and am still working on DJ's, but have reduced them alot too.

im happy everything is coming along for you god bless.
i hope im next

How wonderful!

Even if she does slip into the fog again at times (not saying she automatically will, but even if she does), this is really good. It means your W is finding out that she's still in there, under all the layers of WS.

If there are any setbacks, I would view them as temporary. You two are making awesome progress!

Thanks jm, I hope you are next to.

Thanks for the post neak. It does seem like good progress.

Now the question running through my head is whether this is real or just another case of "I messed up and feel guilty" false recovery type things. We already had one of these things, though before the A or right when it started, and then BAM the bad news hit.

She thinks that it will be easier for me to see that she really means it when I get home, by the way I have been extended a couple weeks to a month. She has disclosed alot of stuff, but I need the whole truth before i can start to trust her again.

I just don't know right now. This may not be something I can live with for the rest of my life if I stay. I guess my love bank is almost in the negatives after this situation. Only time will tell.

Have a good day all!

I'm back for a day or two (online that is).

Things are still going good, I guess. FWW/WW is really planning for a future together. She has found a place to move us to before I get home so we can have a new start.

She apologizes everytime I call and thanks me for staying long enough to give us a second chance. She is doing all kinds of things that should be adding deposits to my love bank, but instead all I can focus on is whether this is real.

I am happy to hear her say all this stuff and really happy that she is telling me she loves me and is in love with me, but I just can't make myself trust this. There is still to much stuff that she hasn't told me. I'm hoping that all this info will come out when I get back home b/c I can't heal my trust wounds until it does.

Is this normal...to have a FWW wake up and do everything they can to make up for what they did and still not know whether you (BS) can live with what FWW has done?

I should be so happy, but I'm not. FWW thinks its b/c I am so far away and can't see it for myself. I hope this is true. Its hard to feel truly loved after being betrayed through a phone, even if they are the best of intentions.

Hope all is well with everyone, don't have alot of time at this point in the deployment, so I haven't been able to keep up with everyones posts. Have a good day all!

Im bit confused, Is she was/is active in a EA/PA
or just a EA??

Marcus,

She was involved in an EA/PA.

Glad you are hanging in there and sticking to the MB plan.

I forget where I read it, but certain types of people have "abandonment" issues, and a deployment can feel like abandonment to them, even though their mind knows that it is not.

I hope she will continue to get counseling so she is able to change that.

It sounds like you are doing well. Just stay the course, don't get your expectations up, and fight for your marriage. In the long run, no matter what the result, you will feel proud that you did.

Thanks for serving and the sacrifices you are making. Tell your comrades that we are grateful for their sacrifices too.

Ok thanks !!

Glad to hear that it seems to work out for you to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All the best

Thanks for the posts Marcus and believer!

I'm back again for a day or two!

Thought I'd drop a line about a concern I have.

FWW/WW is making several attempts to make love bank deposits, but I can't seem to accept them as true. I originally thought that the deployment was helping things, ie giving me time to cool off and think before I kicked her out of my life, but now we are at a point that it is a major hinderance.

She is talking the loving W talk and about our future and plans for when I get home and surprises she has for me, and the awsome b-day carepackage she sent me last week, but I can't really see it all first hand.

There is no way I can maintain accountability to know she isn't talking to him. I think that is my main problem at this point. I can't learn to trust from 18,000 miles away.

anyways, FWW/WW says that I need to talk to her about all of my feelings, even if it is over the phone so we can heal together. I feel that some things need to be done face to face. Its to easy to lie over the phone.

Would appreciate any responses and advice if anyone gets a chance. Thanks.

Just LISTEN to her for now!!! Keep your taker down for a bit more!!! Once with her....you'll be able to SEE her actions, and make a better assessment!
MWIL

How about an "accountability partner"?

Is there someone near her that you can trust implicitly (preferably another lady that she gets along with too, like a sister or close family friend)?

Someone you can trust with the knowledge of what's gone on, and could help hold her 'accountable' while you're gone? Someone that you KNOW would tell you the truth and wouldn't cover for her if the A was continuiing?

Just a thought.

Hey, US,

Good to see you. People lie over the phone, in person, in letters. When they lie to themselves convincingly, the lie is harder to detect. If you're only listening for lies, you'll step over some truth, too, won't you?

Accepting what she says as her own truth is where I think you're coming into conflict. You're trying to measure it, tell whether it is THE truth...that's what I see.

Learning to accept what she says about her thoughts, feelings and beliefs, right now, is key to building your marriage for the rest of your life.

Accepting and sharing your own stuff, including your doubts, insecurities, great desire to feel secure, through her or otherwise...would benefit you greatly.

You can do this and not choose to rely on what her truth is...only to know it, for now...and share your own. That's part of healing...not dealing.

Can you do that? Can you listen and repeat? Share your own stuff...not to refute, but to share, also? This could involve discovering your FWW all over again...see her as new...see yourself as new...create new, healthier patterns before you're home, so that the practice might stay in place more.

What do you think?

(I think this supports what MWIL said)

LA

Thanks for the advice MWIL.

II hope all is still well with you and you W! I was looking for threads that helped get me through the other day and hadn't seen much recently.

Its just hard b/c I almost had myself completely removed from the situation and prepared for the worst case scenario and now I'm fighting the part of me that wants to believe her again.

I will try to keep my taker in check for a little longer, but as the old sayings go "I'll believe it when I see it" and "Actions speak louder than words".

Owl,

Thank you for the idea and the post. That would be a great plan, but unfortunatly there is no one I am close enough with where we are stationed. All of my close friends are either deployed or in OH, and I don't know that I really trust that her best friend would actually tell me, even though she says she would. I just have to accept everything that happens to me as is.