Well.....I've been separated from Mark since January, things had been progressing okay since I started speaking to him again, but I guess I let too many of my boundaries slide.

About 3 weeks ago he got custody of my 16 year old step son. About 2 weeks ago he asked me if I could put cell phones for both of them in my name. I did so, it didn't cost anything, the phones were free and he was going to pay the bill.

Well, since the cell phones were in my name, that means I have access to the records, but felt no need to check them.

On July 1st we had our fireworks, I called earlier in the week, just to let Mark know, and he said "I said I'd spend the 4th with you......not every day" I said "Ummmm I wasn't inviting you, I just wanted to see if SS16 wanted to go...." ***Enter big red flag.

So, with my intuition honed to a fine point from his infidelity, my guard was up. The girls and I were supposed to spend July 4th with him......I said "So, do you want us to come over July 3rd and spend the night?" He said "No, I'll come and pick you up on the 4th" then he said "I'll be tired that night from work, I won't be good company....".
(BIG RED FLAG).

So in the morning, I go online and check the cell phone account. They got the phones on 6/29 and he's been calling OW again since 7/1. What kind of idiot does he take me for?

I called him and blasted him. He stated that he only called her to see what I would do......Yeah....that's a fun game.

I refused to speak to him.(Not Plan B...just plan P.Oed) Well he e-mailed me from his cell phone on July 4th, he said he loved me, still wanted his family and sent me a picture of his WEDDING ring. YES the same ring that he has been claiming he lost and didn't know where it was since he moved to his house a year ago. I called him and said "Where was that??" He said he'd had it the whole time.....He thought I'd be happy. I said "Yeah, well it's not on your finger, and you've been lying about having it this whole time" He said "I've just been waiting for the right time to put it back on." I said "Oh yeah? When will that be?" He said "Hopefully soon....."

So.....I keep checking the cell phone records, and he's stopped calling.

Then on Thursday of last week, I check the records again, and what do I see......now he's not calling her home number....he's calling her CELL!!!!!!!!!!! These are numbers I'll never be able to forget, I recognized it instantly. I called him at work and yelled at him about it.....he said "THAT'S MY BOSSES NUMBER!!! WHY ARE YOU SNOOPING?!" I said "Because you're a liar" Well he has a convincing argument....and I drop it, because now I'm unsure, it could have been his bosses number, I didn't have my paperwork from before with her info on it anymore. So he wants DD11 and I to come over and spend the weekend. (DD14's weekend with her Dad).

So I go over there.....and I am still VERY suspicious, but he offered to call the number from his phone and put it on speaker....etc. so I could see it was his boss, I declined.

Saturday he goes to work and takes SS16 and DD11 with him. I'm at his house all day. I was making potato salad and stuff because we were going to cook out and cleaning the house, well I suddenly think........WHERE IS THE OLD CELL?? So I begin to look for it. I find it and look up his bosses number.........what a shock, it wasn't the number I'd seen. So I think, crap. I don't have a car (Mine is broken down) and I'm at his house, do I confront him tonight with no way home?? I decided against it, and stuffed all my anger down and went ahead and had a nice evening. He was quite attentive. We did have SF, but I was a little too distracted to enjoy it (He didn't know this). We went to sleep and he kept putting his arm around me all night and pulling me to him.

The next morning I woke up at about 8 am. He wouldn't be waking up until about 10:30, because he doesn't have to work until noon on Sundays. So I layed there and waited for it to be 10:30. At 10:30 he got up, let the dogs out....got into the shower, and then I went and got the old cell, got his bosses number and called it just to be sure it was his number. His voice mail picked up, and he said his name, etc, so I knew it was the right number.

Then I went and got his cell phone and under his bosses name the mysterious number was listed. So, I called it....no answer, but lo and behold before I could even close the phone it was ringing, I didn't know how to answer it....so I call it back, and hear "Hello" Yup the OW. I said "Hmmmm you don't sound like Rick, isn't that strange Mark told me this was Rick's number....." "She said "Ummm I don't know who that is" I said "Ohhhhhhhhh okay" and she hung up.

I deleted the numbers and I went into the bathroom and confronted him. He tried to deny at first, and I said "Stop lying, I talked to OW." (I won't call her her name....I say Other Woman to him.....it really seems to get under his skin). So an argument ensues and he's telling me some bullcrap and I say "Well lets call and ask her...." and take his phone. He takes the phone back and I say "That's okay, I'll call her from my phone" so he proceeds to take my phone out of my hand and stuffs it in his pocket. I started laughing and said "Yeah, whatever...I have a home phone" So, I STILL have to wait for him to take me home because I have no car.

I said "Well Mark, you've made your choice by calling the other woman. You are choosing her over your family." He said "No I'm NOT!! There is no OTHER WOMAN! I'm not sleeping with her!!!" I said "Well, you're talking to her, and you know that's against the rules..." He said "There shouldn't be any RULES!" I said "Sorry, marriage has rules".

So I'm still checking, and he called her once that I can see yesterday. I haven't spoken to him since he texted me yesterday because DD11 told him I was crying and he said "Don't cry over me, I'm not worth crying over, I'm a piece of ****** - love mark"

I told him not to call......he could text me only with questions about DD11 and bills (cell phone bill).

I am going tommorrow to ADC and trying to get some assistance until I get back on my feet (Lost job 2 weeks ago...no car to get to a new one). I am also getting info on child support, as I've never filed on him.

I still don't have the sense I should give up on this, but let me tell you, I was crying yesterday, but those are the ONLY tears I've cried. I'm not particularly sad....I'm hurt, but I feel more like I'm a stupid azz, and that this is probably my fault for not sticking to my boundaries.

So, guess I'm back in Plan B. Only thing is......I'm having a little trouble not looking at the cell phone account....I know I shouldn't, but it's like a magnet.

UGH, I hate admitting this to you guys!!! I feel monumentally stupid...........but guess I'm in need of your assistance once again.

*Sigh*

God Bless,

-Caren

Tell me Caren,

what have you done correctly in this still unfolding situation?

You don't make mistakes 100% of the time ... what did you pull off?

did you control your temper & behave like a grown up?

(I hope, I hope)

Pep

I absolutely controlled my temper. I didn't even raise my voice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I guess that's a plus. I wasn't even tempted to do so. Wow.

I think going to Plan B immediately was right, because I felt the need to protect myself.

I am more in control now then I have been in a long, long time.

B4 the sitch caused me not to eat and to lose sleep. While I still have a bit of trouble eating, I am sleeping just fine....when I start to flip out at bedtime, I just talk myself back out of it.

Not sure what else....lol

God Bless,

-Caren

You know, I was just posting to someone new that asked longtime MB members to post their stories. I don't know where my is, can't find it on here, but...........I know that I have come so far, and I'm proud of myself.

I have learned that this wasn't 100% the OW's fault, as I harped on for so long. I actually kinda feel sorry for her. She's VERY non-confrontational, and she apparently just believes his lies like the village idiot.

I don't normally look down on other people, but it's hard not to view myself far above her..........she takes crumbs and is happy to have them. I simply cannot.

God Bless,

-Caren

My suggestion is (for now)

for you to focus on what you did correctly and amp that up .... start where you are strong, not where you are weak

and

look at long-range goals this time

I remember before, you could not see past the end of your nose

I think that your progress ought to be recognized <<< by you

journal your thoughts , feelings, and goals

good for you CAREN

Pep

Another thing that you...YOU have learned...you were OK with that for some time where you not??

I'm sorry to see these turn of events.....

Duly noted Pep.

Thank you for phrasing things the way you do. It definitely makes me think.

Before I thought there was something wrong with me........now I know it's not me at all. I contributed to the pain I'm in by not sticking to my guns, but I didn't contribute to him being immoral.

It was hard for me to not respond to his "I'm a piece of poop" text message by saying "Yes....yes you are"

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren

he is not a piece of poop

he is eating poop

see the difference?

he can STOP eating poop & be a better man

but if he "is" poop ... he cannot stop

let's give him (and OW) the benifit of the doubt

because, God loves both of them !

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But Caren .... if he refuses to stop eating poop

don't kiss him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

*gag*

Send Me-

You're right. I was okay, and I'm actually pretty okay right this minute. I'm not pining away for him. I don't let petty insecurities creep in.....they try, but I banish them.

I'm a strong person, and I can shoulder a lot.

WH is coming dangerously close to the end of this rope.

God Bless,

-Caren

Pep-

Yes, he is eating poop.........and I can't be talking to poop breath...lol.

When he sent the peice of poop text, I thought about say "you are" but then I thought, sheesh, are we going to go the depression route, are we? He sounded almost suicidal.....but he's apparently over it, because he called DD11 this a.m. (She was asleep and didn't talk to him, DD14 talked to him and told him).

I'm sure in the very near future he's going to try to get me to talk to him again. As we know it doesn't take him long to start feeling the pain, and he's okay as long as he thinks he knows where we are, and thinks he knows what I'm doing.......the second he's unsure, he gets 1st insecure aka Pizzed off and then that must get him thinking.

Where I go wrong is he starts feeling the pain and talking a big game, or giving me *some* of what I'm asking for and I fold......enter my MB friends.

I am vowing to post anything he says to me (thusfar he isn't talking through the kids...thankfully) and let you guys tell me what you think. I will also make a concerted effort to "sleep" on anything he says before replying (or deciding if a reply is warranted).

I am going to try VERY hard to listen to everything I'm told and implement the good advice I receive.

My new list of demands are (Which he DID NOT get a plan B letter this time....I'm tired of writing them)

1. NC letter
2. Wearing that dang wedding ring

Well, ummm that all I have so far.....I need to think of more....cuz I know there is more.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

This is a very good response. I've been struggling with just this type of response as the WW tends to respond to this by saying "OK, then I'll call my attorney and we will proceed with the divorce" How should I respond?? Thanks in advance...

BS

BarkingSpud-

Sorta depends on where you're at, in the great scheme of things. What has transpired....what plan are you in currently???

God Bless,

-Caren

Plan A here.....DD was just about 12 months ago. EA first started beginning of June 05. NC (OM committed, WW did NOT) established about a month ago WW in deep withdrawl.

I filed for D in 8/05 she filed counter-petition shortly thereafter. I dropped my petition in May 2006, she put hers on status hold with a case management conference in 10/06.

Barking-

Post your thread here, and I will read up/post to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. Jumping in the shower.....I don't have a working vehicle, so this whole getting busy with getting on with my life will be challenging.....so I called my Mom and invited us to dinner......they're gonna pick my up in an hour and a 1/2.

Caren,

Thank you.... Here are the threads. It's typical with the exception of a couple of odd turns... Sorry there are so many, it's been a very long 12 months....

The beginning...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=2933267

The in-between

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=2934181

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=2935330

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=2945529

The latest...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Board=UBB37&Number=3026840

((( Caren )))

Oh honey, I am so sorry.

But - You are strong -

Caren Strong !!!

You can do this !!!


We all love you Caren,
Carnation

And I love you Carnation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm okay, don't worry. I just know that when left to my own devices I make less than good decisions. I am strong enough to know I need advice.

Soooooooooooooo I'm back here with my friends at MB!!!

I don't know what I'd do without you guys.

God Bless,

-Caren

Sorry I didn't say this sooner, best to you (((Caren))). I tend to get caught up in my own problems and forget that we are all living in our own version of the same problem here.....

Caren -FWIW, your husband sounds very similar to my wife in that they think "no sex" means it's "okay" to have contact. They also think that they can return the relationship with the OP to a "just friends" status. Nevermind that the "friends line" was irretrievably crossed when they chose adultery.

It took 4 years before the "lightbulb" finally went on in my wife's mind.

In the meantime, do exactly as you have been doing. Each time you become aware of a contact, confront him with it so he knows you know. Then make it clear that NO contact of any kind for the rest of his life is what is needed, and if he thinks he can recover your marriage without it, make it clear that "No Contact" is the least "penalty" or "reparation" that HE needs to pay for HIS choice.

Also make it clear that you are human and only have "so much strength to wait for him to wake up and realize that to be married means that he puts YOUR feelings ahead of any OW, or anyone else for that matter. If he waits too long, he may find himself in the position of the boy who cried "wolf" too often and that you have chosen to move on without him.

God bless.