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You can talk to him ....
just don't tell him anything important right now until your Plan is ready to launch! YEA..or don't talk to him until you have your BATTLE PLAN...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Ask him, nicely, for money. Tell him you're out of money. Use his money to fund your plan.
Pep
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Ask him, nicely, for money. Tell him you're out of money. Use his money to fund your plan. Good idea! The main idea..you remain IN CONTROL... Don't hand over any control or power to him... How can you maintain your EMOTIONAL CONTROL? It's all about developing that PERSONAL POWER that I was talking about yesterday. I used to find myself "getting weak" for my H.. He would "charm" me and he knew he could do it... It freaked him out when his "charm" ceased working... Well, it appeared that way..he was still getting to me..I had to "SHAKE IT OFF" (Mariah Carey song..I love Mariah Carey)
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Oh I don't think you go plan b..
I think you have gone plan B..
you've done plan B like you said numerous times...
what is the point..
the point is no longer anything about him..
the real point is issue is NOT accepting being part of a triangle...ever again
your authentic self...
that while triangualization...(made that word up) might be acceptable to OW..
and might be acceptable to him
because they are both choosing places of great fear...
what if I truly let something go and that something is the thing that makes happy...
but you have learned caren...
you have learnend ...
that none of them on the outside is the key of happiness...
living authentically is the key...
living without the burdon of that silly fear...
you will be hugely powerful....
because once you believe that you are powerful...
powerful enough to say
no more chaos....
none of this type....
I choose to live my life...without the fear
can you see it yet...
are you there yet...
living that ****** of a triangle on and on...that diminishes eat sides self worth...feeds of itself....as in Dantes inferno...
is no life...
what you bring to their world...
is poof...
play your games...
gorge yourselves on eachothers brains...
but as for me..
I am full
and no longer wanting to feast here....
and I am taking my side of this triangle ..home...
feel free to continue on in anyway you want...
in my opinion caren..
anything else...and this will just go on and on and on
not plan B...
plan you
cut contact
go to counseling
do right by the children and me...
otherwise I walk..
it is nothing about control
nothing about telling him what to do..
we all choose what to do
minute by minute
day by day...
ARK
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Well I've contacted 2 attorney's and to file for a legal separation it's $1000.00, and they said if I end up filing for divorce it's another $1000.00 plus $175.00 filing fee and that's if it's uncontested. If he contests then it's a $2000.00 retainer.
I don't have anywhere close to that amount of money.
So if I'm going to have this "meeting" with him, I am not going to have a legal separation to back me up.
My cousin's a lawyer, but he doesn't practice that type of law, so he's no help, I've asked for his assistance before, and all he can do is refer me to someone else.
I want to do this right this time.............this is my absolute last ditch effort.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Caren, Check out this site... http://www.divorcenet.com/You may be able to retain council even if you don't have any (or very little) money. You do know that you are entitled to 1/2 (at least) of anything in the marital estate. That includes bank accounts and retirement accounts. If you have a retirement account, you may be able to borrow against it to retain an attorney. Sorry you are faced with this, I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I haven't been able to do much right by myself or my family.....
There is a clock on the wall ticking. I don't know where it is or what time it is but she's waiting for something. Actually, I think I found the clock. I can't see it clearly enough to read it though....
BH (Me) 46
WW 46
Married 15 years
A began - 6/05
DDay - 7/30/05
Exposure - 8/1/05
D papers served 8/10/05
A continues....
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Caren, It is not a requirement that you have an attorney in a legal separation or divorce. Of course, it does help if one is trying to avoid getting the short end of the deal, but I wondered - since you are not currently living in the same household and haven't for some time now, perhaps things are already divided. I don't know if his trying to obtain custody of your daughter is a concern and if it isn't, this might be something worth looking into - at least for the time being, considering your financial situation. I found a website that offers the paperwork for $8.95, though I know you can obtain the forms other ways, too. If I remember correctly, you live in Ohio - yes? As far as child support, I am not sure of the laws in your state. I believe that in most, the child support amount is calculated by the court, based on financial information provided by both of you. A girl I knew (a very resourceful girl) obtained the divorce forms, used a friend's divorce papers as a guide to make sure she covered all her bases, and only paid the court filing fee for her divorce. Her divorce was not very complicated - they didn't really have any assets together and no children, so I don't know if this will be something for you to consider or not. Ohio Divorce Forms
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I was thinking along the lines of Froz...the do it yourself version of Legal Separation...
Do you currently have access to his checking account or do you have a joint checking account?
I set up an account of my own and continued to take the money I needed out of our joint account....
WAR TACTICS...
I agree with ark's THINKING but I still say DO PLAN B...
I don't think you've actually done PLAN B YET....
What do you think?
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Well I called him to try to set up a time to get together and discuss things.
He said "Discuss what?" I said "A lot of things, I don't want to get into it on the phone" He said "No....what's going on?" I said "Can you just give me a time when you will be able to meet with me? Thursday possibly? (His day off). He said "I'll have to get back to you on that....I don't know what I'll be into".
So he calls back and insists on knowing what I want to get together and talk about. I said "Child support, the state of our marriage....things like that" He said "You aren't getting any child support out of me until I get a divorce."
What the h-e double hockey sticks do I do now?
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Caren, You can find free divorce forms here. You will have to copy/paste them into a word document, but they look fairly simple to me. LC
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Oops...Caren, You move fast. We were trying to help you get a PLAN together. Nothing loss. He is the same.. Your aim will be to be DIFFERENT... So he calls back and insists on knowing what I want to get together and talk about. When he INSISTS, what makes you feel that you have to respond? Maybe it's not a good idea for you to meet with him. You seem POWERLESS in response to his demands even by phone. Questions: How does he arrange to provide you with money now? How do you arrange your time together? Does he come to your apartment unannounced? Has it been OK for you to show up at his place unannounced?
Last edited by mimi1254; 07/11/06 09:24 PM.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Caren,
I've been following your posts for close to a year and
a half. I used to post under another name but had to
re-register when the format changed. Your posts to me
were always helpful- you remind me of my best girlfriend
(since High School and we're in our early 40's now).
What I am about to say is going to sting- bad- but I feel
it needs to be said.
Nothing has changed since you disappeared from the board
a few months ago. I believe you left the board because
once again you wanted to do your own thing. I like ark,
believe you love the drama- you're addicted to it.
Your H is not good for you and the smart thing to do would
be to file for D and move on with your life. But I know
you would never do that- not our of love, or belief in
marriage for you or the kids (*EDIT********* but because you are afraid
*************************************************************************************************************************************EDIT*******************************************************************************************************************
Now removing self from soapbox
Last edited by Justuss; 07/15/06 05:36 PM.
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Caren:
Here's a chance to practice being assertive on this board without becoming overemotional.
I RESPECT your ability to speak for yourself, Caren.
I will say that all of us have our faults.
It's never, ever too late to change..to learn... and to grow..never too late.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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He said "You aren't getting any child support out of me until I get a divorce." Like he gets to decide when he has to pay CS, Caren it is not up to him, divorce or not, if you file for any cash assistance from the state, trust me they WILL go after him for CS to get their money back. And actually, if you got to your local CSE(Child Support Enforcement) and fill out an application they will also go after him to make him support his kids. The gov(federal and state) have really gotten tough when it comes to CS, they do not play now. So go immediately to CSE to get their help and it should not cost anything.
Me-BxW-(36)
Him-WxH-(36)
Married 9 days short of 12 years b/f D was final
5 kids-10 and younger (3 DD & 2 DS)
WH filed for D 11/05
D final 05/06
***Of course you would DIE for your kids, the question is will you LIVE for them***
***Time heals nothing but faith heals everything***
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Pegster,
That post was completely uncalled for, disrespectful and rude.
Nothing is to be gained from the judgments you have made there.
They are not facts. They are your opinions and they are unappreciated and not shared.
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Caren - you have grown. The cycles are shorter. But he still plays you like a puppet - he demands - you answer - even if it takes a bit of persistence now - you answer like an obedient child. It's hard to break that cycle. He IS treating this like a game. And the height of disrespect - to use YOUR phone to call HER - he wanted to get caught because he likes the game. Come closer... get away.... I hated that game. The last boy to play it with me ended up absolutely stunned. He never expected I'd move on. Until he saw my engagement ring. Until he realized I wasnt trash under his feet to kick around with once in a while. He couldn't see my true worth and as long as I played along, I prevented him from coming to the proper realizations about me. So I truly plan b'd him - I moved on. 7 months later, he comes back to play me again and I'm not there. And I have absolutely no regrets about it. As troubled as my relationship with my husband has been, my husband at least recognized treasure when he found it, and for the most part, treats me like a queen (he just hasn't learned to pay taxes to me yet!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Caren - have you learned you are treasure to be cherished and protected? If you have, then there will be no "next time" when he wants to reduce you to a sexual favor when you've caught him once again cheating or lying in the least degree! Mimi recognized your high emotional need for communication. But you also have a high emotional need for sexual fulfillment. You have to recognize that the type of SF you have with him now is totally empty of meeting that need! Never give into the temptation for junk SF again!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Lady Caren,
You can find free divorce forms here.
You will have to copy/paste them into a word document, but they look fairly simple to me.
LC Thank you, I will check this out. God Bless, -Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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pegster2pink1-
Not even going to dignify your less than helpful flame with an answer.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Mimi- How does he arrange to provide you with money now?
How do you arrange your time together? Does he come to your apartment unannounced?
Has it been OK for you to show up at his place unannounced? How does he arrange to provide me with money? He doesn't. We would arrange our time together by phone, no he's NEVER come to my apartment unannounced. I also do not show up at his place unannounced, with the exception of one time when I was in the neighborhood, and DD11 wanted to stop by and see him for a sec....we didn't go in, DD11 went to the door, and gave him a kiss, and we left. -Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Posts: 2,823
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Pepsi-
He's just talking out of his [censored] when he says he won't give me CS until I give him a divorce........he went on to say "They can't get blood out of a turnip".
I wasn't deterred from seeking CS by his comment, I'll file, and they take it from there. In Ohio, once child support is established, if the non-custodial parent doesn't pay their child support, they first suspend their drivers license......then they take their income tax returns.....etc, etc.....the list goes on from there.
***It does take 8 months from the time you file until the time you receive $$$ though, CS told me that on the phone
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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