Hmmmmm how else would I word it?

I thought I was supposed to use "I" statements.......so as not to feel like I'm blaming the other person.


God Bless,

Caren

P.S. I'll be gone for about an hour, a friend of the family passed away Monday, I have to go to the showing.

[color:"blue"] makes no sense [/color]


Each time I get hurt, I can feel my love for you slipping away, so I need to protect myself and the love that I still have left.

I will always love you,

BTW, I have know idea how to take the "I's" out of this.....this is me telling him what's going down, and "I" am the one making it happen.

-2nd Draft-
************************************************************
Dear Mark-

You know that I love you with all of my heart. I have loved you since the first day I met you, and I love you still.

I can remember so many good times that we had together, so many memories that I could never replace. Our wedding day, the birth of our beautiful Brooklyn, going to sleep with you every night and waking up with you every morning.

I remember holding you when you were so scared because I had to have a hysterectomy, you cried and begged me not to leave you.

Having said that, the current state of our marriage is unacceptable. You say that you and the other woman are just friends, but this friendship jeopardizes our family, and I can no longer be a part of this triangle. The other woman cannot be a part of our lives, she has to be out of our lives forever.

I have discovered through this whole ordeal that I cannot control you, nor would I want to. I can only control myself.

If things in our marriage are to work, you have to want them to work.

I won't give you a list of things that would make me feel safe, you have the previous letters to refer to, but know that I haven't felt safe in this marriage for a very long time.

I continue to respect my husband, the man I married. The man that always provided for his family. The man that would bring me flowers just because he loved me. The man who put his family above everything. I was always proud to call that man my husband.

If there is ever a time when you feel like you would like to really make this marriage work, then I would be interested in talking to you about this, but I would need you to show me that you really value our marriage and our family above all else.

I have to break contact with you to protect the feelings that I have left, so if there comes a time when you are willing to make the needed changes, I will still have love for you.

You will always be able to speak to Brooklyn, you may have her on your scheduled weekends.

I, however will not be able to see you or speak to you.

I hope you understand, and I hope that someday you'll understand that everything I've been doing is to save our family.

May God Bless you and keep you safe during our time apart.

Your loving wife,

Caren

************************************************************
God Bless,


Caren

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'm thinking about the 180 plan.......my reason being, he was supposed to come over tonight, have dinner and discuss things.......I decided I wasn't into it tonight. I called him and said "Hey, can we make it another night, I've got some stuff to do" He said "Like what?" I said "Oh, just some running around." (His famous line.....he's just running around), I said "Maybe one day this weekend" He said "Uhhhh okay". So he just called again and said "What came up? What do you have to do?" I said "I just have some running around to do, so tonight isn't convenient" He said "Oh did something better come up?" I said "I'm sorry there's someone on the other line, I'll just talk to you about it later" then within 2 minutes he's calling my cell again asking what it is I'm doing. I said "Mark! (Laughing) I something just came up....but maybe this weekend" He said "Nah just forget it" I said "Okay talk to you later." and hung up. (Sounding very happy)

It's driving him nuts already. I am going to have my friend come and pick me up......maybe I'll have my Mom watch the kids for a while so I can really have something to do (As we know, no car makes this challenging).

God Bless,

-Caren

Well, for a different kind of Plan B letter, why not try this? I think your guy gets off on having you love him and writing him love letters.

Dear Mark,

I have loved you for a long time, and I still do care about you very much.

Since you began your affair with whatsername, I have worked very hard to improve myself so that I could be both a better person and a good wife to you. It is an ongoing process, but is succeeding.

I want to continue being a good wife to you, but as long as you keep your girlfriend on the side, that is not going to happen.

There is no room in my life for some other woman's boyfriend.

I have loved you a lot, Mark, more than I think you appreciate. Now, however, I love myself MORE. I have grown immensely over the past few years, and will no longer settle for as little as I've settled for in the past.

Now, it is time for you to decide what you want out of life, Mark.

I know what I want out of life. I want to be a married woman who has a faithful and loving husband who is willing and happy to make a home with me and raise our daughter in a loving and stable home so that she can have the best future possible. I need a husband who knows how to be a MAN, and not an overgrown teenaged boy trying to be a stud muffin.

When and if you grow up, and decide that you want the same things I want out of life, THEN you can give me a call.. after you finish doing all the things I outlined in my previous letters. If I still want to be your wife at that time, we'll talk about creating a new marriage that is different and better than the one we've had. Otherwise, do not try to contact me, and do not use our daughter or any of the children to pass messages to me, and most definitely do not call me ugly names to, or in front of, the children.

I will also be doing what is necessary to ensure that you support our daughter.

I still do love you, but I'm not going to be treated like dirt under your feet anymore.

Love,
Caren

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

OK, I know this is over the top! Not exactly Marriage Builders material, so don't send it.

Personally, I don't see all that much wrong with all the "I" statements in some cases. I really think that your H is the kind of guy who feels like as long as you love him, he can do whatever the heck he wants to do. Maybe roughening up the letter a little will do more to make him sit up and take notice than the usual Plan B letter. I just do not think he takes you seriously as long as he knows you love him...because his mentality seems to be that "it's all about him, and OF COURSE you love him!".

I think he needs to have a little doubt about that love. He needs to have a reason to pursue you, but you need to be strong enough not to cave...strong enough not to fall for single gestures or sentences. You need to see consistent action on his part. He needs to see that you are a wife worth having...worth his loyalty and fidelity.

personally, I like Lady's version. It could use a little polishing -- but I think its EXACTLY the message you need to send.

The MB program is not working in this case, cuz Mark tramples all over Plan B and Caren can't stay dark.

I'd give that to him along with a blank set of separation papers.

Caren,

There seems to be a pattern with your Plan B's.

Your focus is often more on how Mark is reacting to what you do than it is on doing what you need to for yourself.

He knows exactly what to do to get your Plan B to cave. HE is in control of YOU. As soon as he does just enough to get you to cave, things quickly go right back to the way they were.

If you're gonna do this Plan B, you've gotta get a handle on where it is that you keep slipping up.

An analogy:

Like quitting smoking - they say each time you try to quit, your chances of success increase because you learn the pitfalls. You learn what doesn't work, you correct the behavior and you put that knowledge to use.

Unfortunately, with your Plan B's, it seems as though each time becomes less and less effective because your credibility has less power. Why would Mark believe this is really it - the time that you go completely dark until he is willing to do what needs to be done? He has no reason to believe that this time will be any different than times before.

Just like you have no reason to believe that things will be different than before if he says he is willing to honor your terms.

Pay close to attention to the ACTIONS you both keep repeating, rather than any words either of you say to the other. Your actions are speaking much louder.

Are words even necessary at this point? You've both said them all before.

If you want things to be different, you're going to have to DO something different - not SAY something different to him.

I am speaking of wanting a different life for yourself - not just a different life with Mark. I know you want that, BUT if it isn't a possibility (because that will take a choice from both of you), then what?

Are you prepared to repeat this cycle over and over? In not being able to choose for him, and not choosing for yourself unless the choice is him, you ARE choosing to repeat the cycle.

Plan B isn't necessarily about letting him go. It's about choosing a life for yourself and your children free of the chaos and disrespect of a WS. Unless you make that a conscious choice, with actions and uncrossable boundaries that ensure it, he will continue to remain in control of all of your lives.

LC-

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I absolutely LOVE your letter, what polishing does it need.......I think it is brilliant!!!!!

God Bless,

-Caren

Lexxxy-

I think you're right........I don't know about the blank set of separation papers though.

BTW.......he sent me a text message before I left that said "I hope it's dam* good, and don't forget to call that lawyer" I didn't acknowledge that text message.

So basically in his wee WS mind, he thinks I'm going out and having SF with someone else, and it makes him angry. If he'd engage his brain, he'd know, that isn't me....but apparently WS's have trouble engaging their brains.

God Bless,

-Caren

Froz-

You're absolutely right, he knows exactly what buttons to push to make me cave......I just have to go against all that I know.

By the way Caren ACTUALLY went out and did something. I didn't sit at my friends and do nothing.....I went to dinner/drinks with her family....it was fun, I grew up with her, known her since I was 4 years old, and we sat and ate wings and I had 2 rum an cokes......it was a good time.

God Bless,

-Caren

Replace the I w/we (as in family). Let him read that this is coming from the family and not just you.

L.

IMO,

If the letter is written in a sarcastic tone, making DEMANDS of him, calling him names, it's more of the same between the two of you and there's no need to write it.

I would make it short and to the point.

Dear Mark-

You know that I love you with all of my heart. I have loved you since the first day I met you, and I love you still.

The current state of our marriage is unacceptable to me . You are continuing to have contact with whatsername and I will no longer be a part of that triangle. In order for me to remain married to you, she will need to be out of our lives forever.

I have discovered through this whole ordeal that I cannot control you, nor would I want to. I can only control myself. I have decided from this point forward to not talk to to you or to see you until, if ever, you can make it clear to me that you want to be my husband. Don't try to reach me. I will not be available to you.

You may speak to Brooklyn ?????? and you may have her on your scheduled weekends. (This is a problem..him ALWAYS being able to speak to Brooklyn. This cannot occur in your presence..You've already been down that road. Right, Caren? What arrangements can be made for his conversations with her? Maybe she can only call him. YOUR CHOICE on this. NOT HIS.)

May God Bless you and keep you safe during our time apart

Caren

************************************************************
God Bless,


Caren

I need to get this letter together and QUICK.....he was flipping out last night, he seriously called me 39 times, I spoke to him 2 of the 39 times(As I wasn't in "B" yet).
...I know it was 39 because I counted it on the cell phone account.

He was screaming at me asking me where I went...etc. I calmly told him that I went to dinner, he flipped out, said I was out with another guy. I said "No, I'm married, I don't date". He continued along this line, and kept saying he was coming over, he kept insisting that I was with someone else. I kept repeating "None of this would be happening if you would commit to our marriage". Nothing I said was getting through, so I said goodbye and hung up.

I answered 1 more time, but it was all threats and accusations, so I said "This is crazy, I'm going to bed. Goodnight Mark" and turned off the ringer.

I don't want to be part of this drama anymore, it doesn't hold the thrill it used to hold. He was flipping out because he perceives that I will do the seedy stuff he's done, when if he'd think it through he'd know that isn't me.

But WHY is he flipping out.....he is now maintaining he doesn't love me....he hates me, he's not calling because he's jealous, he's calling and screaming my face off "because he can".

He was actually calling ME a liar, how funny is that?!?! Oh well.

So anyway......gotta get this letter together and give it to him so I can remove myself from all of this mess.

God Bless,

-Caren

caren..

you give him too much credit..

he doesn't think any of these things are real..

he likes the drama....
period....

the truest statement he said....is that he's calling cause he can.....

drama-ho....that he is...

ARkie

Oh, I think in his little WS pea brain he does think I was doing something inappropriate, because HE does inappropriate things, and it's been my experience that the WS thinks that the BS will do the same things they do.

I agree that the truest statement he made was 'Because I can'...........

He kept threatening to come over and kick my door in......I wasn't remotely afraid he'd actually do it so I blew it off.....if he had come over and attempted to kick the door in, I would have called the police. I also turned on the voice activated tape recorder so I have evidence of what he was threatening.......he's not too smart, I even have 1 voice mail stating he was going to come over and kick my azz. Good idea brainiac.......record stuff like that, I promise I won't save it.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren

I think he could become dangerous ...

would you think about taking some protective measures prior to Plan B

talk to law enforcement
ask for their suggestions

tell them you are putting together a plan to stop contact with your adulterous husband ... ask if they have any suggestions for you SAFETY before you do this

I am concerned .... threats are serious ... just because he has not acted on his threats in the past means nothing....

talk to someone first before you act

OK?

Pep

Pep-

Okay........I would agree that he isn't in his right mind. I can go down to the police station (It's actually in walking distance from my place) and see if one of the detectives could give me some advice on how to protect myself and my kids.

Better to be safe than sorry.

BTW this is VERY unlike my husband.......but he's not my husband right now.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren .... he's a territotial male right now

they can be dangerous if provoked

Pep

~~~>>> Plan B suggested letter ... very VERY V E R Y brief

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You have chosen a (2 year .... whatever the affair time frame is) marriage triangle with OW (name).

I cannot respect myself if I permit this triangle to continue one day longer.

My participation in our marriage is discontinued in order to save my sanity, my self-respect, and my remaining love for you.

As of today you may no longer contact me directly. For emergencies or for business matters, contact (intermediary info)

I have sent a copy of this letter to my parents, my attorney, and my neighborhood law enforcement.

If you want to reconcile our marriage after you have permanently removed OW (name) from our marriage, call Steve Harley at this #(give counseling center number) .

When you can show (intermediary's name) proof that you have had a minimum 2 counseling sessions with SH, I will contact you for a meeting to discuss possible reconciliation.

When you receive this letter, do not contact me. I am certain I do not wish to speak with you until the above conditions have been met.

Caren

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caren .... nothing will work if you waffle even a little bit with your WH. He's counting on you becoming involved emotionally. The drama excites him (and you?)

Pep

Caren:

I 110% agree with Pep.

By all means, protect your self from him. He is acting insane and territorial.

Send her letter. IT IS MAGNIFICENT and POWERFUL!!!

Now, let us help you abide by this WITHOUT ANY HINT OF FAILURE!!!