Well it's 5AM and guess what I'm NOT doing..............yes sleeping, day 3.

Every little thing wakes me up, I want to take the trash out, but I'm afraid to.

I can't see me taking the trash out with a gun in my hand....that would just seem insane.

I have a doctor's appt. on the 28th of this month, my doctor's office referred me to them since I have no insurance and owe them so much money already. So it's a clinic that the hospital runs,that works on a sliding scale. I'd like to ask for sleeping pills (I get insomnia alot) but I don't know how sound I really want to sleep, what if something happens and I don't hear it?

I took a Melatonin tonight, it worked for a little while, I slept from about 1 am until now.

I was going to leave the gun in the closet, but DD11 said "Mommy....aren't you getting the gun?" I said "It's just in the closet, it's okay, I can get to it" She said "What if you can't get to it fast enough?" So I went and got it and put it in the nightstand. I guess that made her feel a little bit better because she finally fell asleep.

I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess it's because we were home at the time......it'd been different if they broke in when we weren't home......heck, they could've stolen all my stuff, and I'd have been mad, but I wouldn't have been this scared. I always felt like if someone had to steal something from me, they must have needed it worse than I did.

I took my great neice over to her neighbors house, they're going up to some cabin, she couldn't hardly wait to get out of here. (And the trailer court my neice lives in) is far scarier looking than my apartment complex.

UGH the cat got into the trash and it stinks BAD!!! I picked it all up with paper towel.....but I think I have to take it out and mop the floor before I throw up.

Okay, mission accomplished, I actually made it outside to the trash can (Which is outside the locked gate) and I mopped, but I still smell it........YICK.

I know I need to pray about this..........I've gotta get this under control.

I just feel a fierce need to protect my kids.

Before counseling I would have been pizzed if this had happen, I would have been ready to fight...........after counseling I feel exposed, not mad, just scared. I guess that's the emotion I'm supposed to feel, but I don't like it one bit.

God Bless,

-Caren

First off...on the card...I dont think it will make any difference to the OW. She really does not care about you, your husband or your family. So, I dont think she is going to say "Oh, wow. Thank you. I'm sorry." It wont happen. Now, if you were doing this for yourself, to be able to release whatever anger, etc you have for her...then great. But dont expect any reaction out of OW. She really could care less.

Now, I do agree that you have to take care of business. The safety issue is huge. Also, keeping the roof over yoru head and groceries in the cabinet is also huge. I am not minimizing that. I think the Lord will provide if you keep working hard and working smart.

My interest here, Caren, is to get you out of this mess. And it wont happen overnight. So, you will have to do all of these other things you are talking about.

I am talking about taking the time to make a plan. Get away from the house for a few hours. Go to the public library. Sit down, and start writing. Start with your life goals. Then move back to goals you would like to see happen by the time yo uare 50. Once you have those (and again, be SPECIFIC!! Dont say "I want a good job"...say "I want to be a hospital administrator" or whatever)., then move back to each of those and say "What is it goign to take to get those things? Let me give you and example or two.

You say you want a house. Okay. Let's start with...what house? Have you seen the house you want...or the type house you want? Have you gne out and gone through houses i nthe area yo uwant to live in, walked thru...dreamt of your stuff in there? If not, why not? It is the dream that will motivate you!!

So, once you know what house and where, then find out "how much?" Once you do that, then find out what you will probably pay in a mortgage. And this tells you what you will need to make for housing.

Now, do this for all of your wants/needs. Lay out everything. Once you are done, then you will have a list of all of your bills, if you could do what you want to do. THAT is your bottom line! That is what you are looking to achieve.

Now, look at your career. Let's say you want to be a hospital administrator. Okay. What does that entail? Do you have to be a nurse or doctor for a certain amount of time? what schooling do you need? Experience? What does a hospital administrator pay? Will that meet those bills you outlined earlier. If not, will you lower your expectations on house/car/etc, or try to go a different route in your career?

You see, this can get rather complicated when yo uare planning this far out. And you must understand that your plan may change a little as things go along. Timelines will change some.

So, you have this big matrix outlining your goals, and steps to achieve them. Once you have that, then you can program your everyday. You see, you still have to go to work to have money right now. You still need to take care of the kids, etc. But in there, you MUST program time to move forward. Even if it is just a little time each day.

Example? Let's say you need schooling or a degree. But you have little time and limited funds. What about taking an online course? Or one course a semester at the local college? You see, each course you complete puts you one step closer. And as you find more time, you can take more courses.

As I have said a hundred times on here, you need to understand the difference between simple and easy. Your solutions are very simple!!! But they will not be easy.

The baseball team I coach has a motto: "It isnt always the most talented team that wins, it is usually the team that refuses to lose."

same goes in life. The people that succeed usually arent the smartest or the luckiest or whatever. They are the people that just plain refused to be stopped. refused to be denied.

Is that you Caren?

Standing in His Presence

Hi Caren,

I don't think I've posted to you before but I was reading about your breakin and how it was affecting you, so I decided to pop in if you don't mind.

About 15 years ago, during a cold December night, I was studying for a college exam the next day. I didn't get to bed until about 2am and as I was sleeping I was awakened by a noise. I lay in bed for a few seconds listening quietly for more noises and then I heard the sound of broken glass being moved around.

Was someone breakiing into my house? Frozen in bed, I nervously listened for more noise to confirm what I could not believe was happening. Sure enough more noise and at that point I got out of bed and slowly made my way downstairs. As I walked down the basement stairs I didn't know what was waiting for me. When I got there all I could see were the curtains blowing in the wind as the window had been broken. The criminals must have heard me coming and ran off, but not before leaving footprints in the snow.

I didn't get a full night sleep for weeks after this happened since I would lie awake listening for the smallest sound. I even called the police one night when I thought I saw a person breaking into my neighbors house. The police came and discovered it was a black plastic bag that was caught on a rose bush near their basement window.

You see for the next little while you will perceive every little noise as a breakin and every strager as a possible burglar. I don't think there is any real way to speed up the recovery from this as only time seemed to help me slowly get over my irrational fears.

Just know that this is NOT a common occurnace and will most likely not happen again. Some of the things I did to help me feel more safe was beefing up my locks, placing bars on my basement windows, installing motion activated lights outside, and keeping a baseball bat near my bed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry you have to go through this since I know it's very unnerving. Hope you start to feel safe soon!

Take care.

HTW

P.S. I agree with MM on NOT sending the card.

I hope you are not believing this.

Didn't we recommend 3 months in PLAN B? Didn't you remember what ark said?



Come on, Caren! IF the OW broke up with Mark, which is probably a lie, she did not do it to help your family...and she certainly does not deserve the time and effort and gas and money for you to buy her a card. Remember to THINK before you ACT, Caren. What would be the value or purpose of a card for her? How could this possibly help you or your family? She will most likely pick up the card and throw in straight it the trash if she reads it at all.

Or your card is another reason for her to call Mark and re-establish contact. She'll tell him to keep his crazy wife away from her...

Geeeez Caren -- Plan B? You called him right after calling the police? Why? I thought you were in PLAN B???

We told you not to contact her. So you think a card isn't CONTACT???? How does contacting HER get you OUT of THEIR triangle????

My prediction is that you will use this break-in as a reason to get out of your lease and move back in with Mark.
Because of course, now their affair is over!

You haven't done the work. Neither has Mark. And you just sabotage the MB plans every chance you get.

No, I will not use this break in attempt to try to break my lease.

I called my WH because I was scared, and I didn't know who else to call. My parents are older, I'd be protecting them, not the other way around.

I don't necessarily believe he's not in contact with OW, I just know the # changing story is true.

God bless,

-Caren

I went to the Doctor on the 28th, as I'm finding myself crying about this bullcrap all over again.

It's like it took me right back to D-Day. He put me on Lexapro, and oddly enough it seems to be working already....I'm feeling a lot more confident about things.

I am still unsure of what I want to do divorce wise.....I don't know, it just seems so final.....what is my problem??? Why shouldn't I want to divorce this man that just continues to disappoint me? Why on earth do I still love him?

He is still text messaging me on a regular basis....nothing to do with Brooklyn, as we'd discussed, but generally about sex. I'm not replying.

I am looking for another job, I have to I have rent that was due today that will go unpaid for at least a while. I can't afford to get evicted, I am absolutely NOT asking him for help. Not moving back to his place because I can't make it on my own. I need to prove this to myself, not him.....that I can do all of this without his assistance.

I have food stamps for the time being, but the welfare department expects me to go there 20 hours a week and do filing for them, just to keep my food stamps (No $$)....how exactly am I supposed to get a job if I'm there 20 hours a week?? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

Legal aide is supposed to be on a sliding scale, but they said it was $549.00 to file anything....legal separation or divorce....but the divorce has to be 100% uncontested, and it's hard to say what he'll do....and like I said, I'm just not sure. Not that I have the $$....they said I could make payments, but without a job, I can't make payments.

I've been walking to where I need to go, I have some gas in my car, but I'm trying to save it. The heat index here today was 104 degrees....so that was real fun. I walked to the library because I needed to get something notarized, and they do it for free, but the notary wasn't there.

This is absolutely mentally exhausting.

My friend did have me go to our alumni softball tournament....it was kinda fun, they all went to a restaurant/pub afterwards, so I stayed and talked to people I hadn't seen in years.

My 20th high school reunion is in a few weeks, I hope I get a job so I can go to that, it's like $30.00 to get in. But I think it would be so nice to see all those people I haven't seen in such a long time.

So other than that, no update. WH isn't using DD's as his messenger service to me anymore, he's just texting me.

God Bless,

-Caren

I have been reading "The Power of a Praying Wife" and this is the best book I've ever had the pleasure of reading!!!

Nothing new to report on the WH front, other than I'm feeling a million times better since I've been praying correctly.

God Bless,

-Caren

I don't know when I'll be able to post again. On my neighbor's computer. My phone/internet has been disconnected.

I did find a job making 5.15 an hour, I figure some money is better than no money. So until I get a better one, this I'll stick with this.

When I get my finances straight and get my bill paid I'll be back on.

Hope everything is okay with all.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

I hope you're okay............