My H has not really voiced any kind of want to recover the M. He has never said that he would do the work that we need to do. He is not showing signs that the damage he has done is sinking in. I still wonder if he pines for OW (they have been out of contact since January). How long do I wait for a connection?

I have started a course of anti-D's and am looking into IC (affordability is a major problem). I have been giving him space, yet asking questions. I asked him to give me the timeline of his affair, so that I could let that go. I have not asked about details, as IMO it would be more devastating to know them. I have asked what he wants, and he either declines answering, or veers away from the subject. I don't want to be selfish, but I need to feel a commitment. H has been home since last October, but as I said last contact was in late January.

We have spoken quite openly about the pain; I wonder where he is in his personal recovery/withdrawal. H recently seemed to be connecting more with me, and recently has seemed like he is withdrawing. Dday was July 8th '05, EA started in late may early June 05. I'm struggling to talk with him without judgement; I have detached quite a bit since beginning AD's, and am able to be muuuuch less emotional, yet I feel no growth. Is this normal, or do I need to set up a bigger set of boundaries. We haven't been spending much quality time together at home, as we currently have a friend staying with us, and going out has been scarce (without DS or friends). Is this normal at this stage? I'm really lost and frustrated this week. Any advice would be appreciated.

bump

TI,

I think this is normal, my WW is going through similar stuff. Hang in there.

Well it is false recovery. Had a conversation this morning with H. Asked if we were 'ok'. He said no, that he cannot get himself to feel the same way about me; that he can't 'like' me. I told him that I didn't necessarily 'like' him as things are right now, but I was working toward a place that we could like each other again. Well, in the end, I told him that I want him to go, that I cannot deal with this anymore, that I have been putting forth a real effort to work on myself while he sits and waits for something to change. He needs to go, so that he can think about himself and 'fix' himself.

I said that I am not the problem, that I did not make him commit adultery, that there is something within himself that he needs to fix. I am basically going to a plan B. I did not find this site until loooong after he had returned to the home post A. I did not implement MB principles until after a long period after he came home. According to the principles, his homecoming was done all wrong. I never got the chance to force him to look at the situation without me.

I have posted my story previously, but am at a bit of a loss to attach it here, sort of a forum dummy. Well, I don't know what I should really do. I need to preserve what love I have for him, so that we may be able to have a civil relationship for our DS. Our DS is going to suffer tremendously, but I cannot change that, so I need to minimize that by not having contact with H, so I can heal and move forward. Anyway, any advice on this process or what I should do is a tremendous help. Please guide me now; I feel a bit lost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think that I found this website much too late to truly follow the principles put forth here, so I fear that my relationhip with H will truly be over this time. I did not reach him, and we never worked anything out. Anything that I asked of him to make me feel more comfortable with the A (like NC, being open with cell records, bank records, email) was given with anger. Most was never even followed through with. I have come to the place where there is nothing more that I can do to make things work.

H has decided that it just won't work. Is is right that I have asked him to move out? Is it right to ask him not to contact me? Should I move on? We have a DS together, what should I do? I want to protect DS, envelope him so that he won't have to get the brunt of what's to come, but I know that I cannot. I have tried to convince H that we need IC/MC, to no avail. He seems so detached and far gone that I don't think we can make it now. I think he has determined that M is not supposed to be hard. I want my M and have told him so. I have tried to be affectionate and to listen, but he doesn't touch and he doesn't talk. I've asked if he is in another A or in contact with OP, he says no.

I'm asking for someone to help me sort this out, because for now, i can only see Plan B, with the aim of it to move on, not to try and work it out. H seems at a loss, and only believes that ending this will be the right thing now. I'm OK, I've been a lot less emotional than last year when I found out about EA/PA. I just want some advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

did you find out what his top 5 needs were? Did you share yours with him?

he is in withdrawl right now.....it DOES last for months

you need to try meeting his needs and then he "should" begin to have feelings for you again

from someone who didn't find MB until we attempted recovery...all wrong...and he left to be with OW

plese don't let go or give up if you still love him....do NOT let him leave.....both of you need to complete the emotional needs questionairs

have you read His needs Her needs and Surviving an Affair?

It's definitely not too late for your marriage.

What is his Plan? Is he saying that he wants to move out?

He's never said that he wants to move out, but this morning he did say that he didn't want to leave his HOUSE. He said that he cannot bring himself to like me. He said that he cannot love me. He has packed a bag without even a whiff of reservation, as I asked him to leave. I am really doing it all wrong, I guess, but we have been at this for a while with him not budging on MC. He has never said that he wants to be here, to work on our M, and his actions are showing the distance between us, without regard for what he has done to cause this distance. I really don't know how to proceed. He has never read any MB stuff, or even looked into himself to see if he really wants to do this. I don't feel a commitment from him, and I cannot continue to live with someone who really loves his home, but not me. I've tried to be nice, to give affections, to give SF, to have fun. He just distances himself.
His plan is he has no plan. H has nowhere to go, no place to live. I cannot feel sorry for him, as he is fine with ending our M. He doesn't show me anything, no emotion, nothing. Should I sit down and try again? I'm so angry and lost and frightened, but I'm determined not to let him drag me down again. I've been working on being happy with myself and who I really am now, he has said that he is not happy. What do I do with that bit of information? I'm sorry for seeming so neurotic, but I really don't feel that he loves me at all anymore. The man has said that he 'does not like me'. Wow! that's pretty powerful, and painful.

He left this evening, bags packed, just like a year ago, no fight, not even a whimper. Does this sound like someone who wants to do the work to recover a M?

Where did he go?

Is he still in contact with the OW?

So it's been a year since D-Day and then he left and came back?

Mimi,
Thank you so much for your trying to ferret these things out.

H had an EA last year (May-August 05). Dday was July 8, 2005. I asked H to stay and try and work on the M. He refused MC, but had been in IC for about 2 mos. He quit going to IC in October 05. The OW ended the PA within a week of it starting and went back to H to work on her marriage. Of course, my H and OW worked together (she was a consultant for the company he works for and they were in direct contact until January 06-NC since then). H moved back home in OCtober 05. It was a disaster watching him pine for OW. I guess he still is in love with her. He says there is noone else now, but that he can't fall in love with me.

H is living with stepfather/younger brother. H mother (troubled relationship) died last May 05. After being told numerous times that he can't fall in love with me, I asked him to leave again. I guess I shouldn't have, but it seems hopeless; like he can't see me anymore. I'm the problem to him. He'll be happy once I'm out of the picture. I don't buy into this, but I think that he does, so maybe he needs to experience the truth. If there is hope and guidance, I'll be happy to take it.

I would say to ask him to move back because you want to work on your marriage...if that is what YOU want to do.

Don't let this decision be determined by what HE SAYS.

He is a WS..with the standard WS script..

I say give it another chance.

Don't ENABLE him in his desire TO GIVE UP....

Thanks Mimi,
I am trying to do what I want here. It's hard to know what that is with him and his fogginess. I've been trying to detach myself and think more clearly, but my hurt feelings get in the way. I feel rejected constantly. I look into his eyes and he is shut down. You know that look, I'm sure. The eyes are dead. I asked him if he is having an A; he says no.

I would like to give it another chance, and I will express that to him when we meet; I do not expect him to comply. I think he is pretty closed off right now. I sent an email to him restating that I do not want a D, that I want to reclaim a happy, fulfilling M. He never responds one way or the other. I don't think he really has a clue what he is doing. He is letting me make the decisions, and I just made the wrong one (for me). How do I approach the subject? What do I say to convince him that home is the place to be? I'm truly scared. I've seen this person before, when the A was ongoing. I don't feel in my intuition base that he is lying to me, but I don't really know him right now, either. I don't trust his judgement. I feel like an idiot, like after reading all of the MB articles and subjects and SAA, and another book called After the Affair, that I should have skills. I don't feel very crafty right now; and my hope has dwindled to nothing.

All you can do is to ask him to come back HOME because you want to work on your marriage. Tell him that you are sorry. You've been doing some reading and thinking and you realize that you have made a mistake by asking him to leave.

If he says, No... don't beg him to return. Tell him that you RESPECT his decision but he is welcome to come back.

I'll do that, thanks. If he does decline the offer, should I try to do a Plan A? I don't really know my options. I may have done some major LBing and DJ's when he came home, but then I found this website, and have been trying to work within it's parameters since. It's encouraging to see in your signature line that you had a pretty rocky road, but that recovery is still possible. I don't think that H is ready to truly commit to this, and may want to do a separtion to find his own way. Unfortunately, this may spell disaster for us, but I can only control myself and live by my moralist and human credo.

This disappointment can be very hard to deal with. I am very disappointed in who I've ended up with. He's seems to be a 'quitter'. It turns me off. Again, I do not project this onto him, as that is DJ and has no place here, and I am trying to find the good, he's just not giving any. He's truly a lost soul. I will check in with this thread regularly and hope you can spare the time to help.
You have been most helpful, already. I always find it hard to express how deeply thankful I am when people on this board help me, guide me, but it's there, and I am very grateful for the guidance.

I think I'll just start posting my progress daily or close to that to keep in touch and learn how to use the forum better. I don't know how to attach a thread to my reply so that people can explore my story to date. Maybe someone can help with that. Like I said before, kind of a forum dope.

Yes.



Separation to find his own way? Out of the marriage...right?

Make sure not to support this notion at all...

I have always stood firm that our M is very important to me; what I'm saying is that I cannot 'convince' him with words to want to be married. Hence Plan A. I really want to slow this train down. I am going to talk to him and try to see if I can get through. I don't want a D, he knows this; I have said this directly to him, and in email form. I will let him know that I want him to be in the home, and that working on the M is my goal. Should I allow him to come home if he says he does not want to work on the M?

I feel like I've backed myself into a corner now, and that anything I ask him, he won't take seriously, because I'm the one who told him to go. He will, in his fog, call me crazy for asking him to come home to work on our M.

Work on taking the focus off of him and what he thinks or what he says.

Only focus on want you believe in and what you want to do.

No one can back you into a corner unless you allow them to do so.

You are free to do and say whatever you want regardless of what he thinks about it..regardless of what he says.

Tell him that "You are sorry..that you made a mistake....you changed your mind about this...

Let him come home regardless of what he says...what he does is what matters...

I agree that his actions speak volumes. I am just befuddled about asking him to leave and him not saying something like, 'say what? Are you out of your mind? I'm not leaving!' Instead he just said, 'okay' and his actions were packing his bags, telling his 4yo DS that mommmy and daddy don't like each other very much right now, but we love you and will always be there for you. Is this the talk and action of someone who can recover? I'm really asking this question. I don't know.

You are right, I can say what I need to and not think about his judgements or reactions. It's more important that I try to pull it back together. I am sorry for asking him to leave, it was a mistake. I have to live with that and fight once more for our M. I'm finally understanding detachment to it's fullest. Say what I need to, with no judgements or LB's.