Kayla,

I appreciate your thoughts, but the "mission" really had nothing to do with how somebody can avoid posts they don't like or whether non-exposure should be "corrected"....and definitely NOT about the individual posters you mentioned. It was supposed to be about me and you and other posters who are long term or established....how we envision our "own" mission...what drives us.....and the persistent perception that we're allowed to push the limits of TOS or held to a different standard. It's not about whether we should "adjust" our style and begin ignoring foggy thinking or coddling folks. I was hoping that some of the people who consistently feel attacked....could get a window into our brains.....and understand the "method behind the madness" so to speak in a place where they weren't feeling singled out or personally attacked.

Like most established posters....I've been criticized for being too harsh. It's been implied that I have the power to operate outside of the rules, change posts etc. I've been told that my number of posts (I agree ark!...wish it would disappear) doesn't make me anymore important (or right) than anyone else (which is true btw).

I've noticed a trend about the moderating here that is interesting. Most of the moderation for some time now has been on *US*....established posters, and far fewer newbies. I could be wrong....and maybe I'm just not *seeing* the moderation that newbies get....because the other stuff is so visible and vocal...but that's the impression I have.

I think there are some reasons for that....and not all of them are negative. If you post more...it seems predictable that you're more exposed to moderation. People who have been here a long time are more aware of the pitfalls of ignoring good strategies and try more ardently and forcefully to guide people away from foggy thinking. Maybe we "test" the boundaries more because we're more comfortable/confident here or because we actually DO get more leeway. Our motives are more established than other people....even at our harshest I do believe that most folks know it's because we care about marriages and care about people.

But I also believe that there is <some> truth that perhaps the limits of TOS are pushed to the extreme in order to make a point on occasion. We often skate very close to the edge...and even cross that boundary sometimes. I don't consider my main mission here to be "correction" of Harley's principles. I'm not interested in telling someone else why they're "wrong"....but I am interested in helping them understand WHY these principles WORK....what's "behind" Harley's stratgies...so that they can make choices based on logic rather than emotion, fear, or biochemical insanity.

ark, shattered, owl, heartpain, mys.....those were all great posts ....thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!! There is so much "meat" there....that I don't want to dilute them in any way. They stand on their own. Thank you.

THIS right here, is where I got (get?) confused about your purpose Star*

Previously, you said "Let's not make it personal"

and my reply was (is?) ... if it's not personal, it's boring

because being personal is honest sharing

maybe it's the semantics that has me confused

are we discussing our personal feelings or are we not?

Pep

PS .... there are some excellent writers on this board!

tell me exactly what you mean, if you would...



impersonal does not interest me

individual is what makes us each valuable in our own way

and disrespectful vs respectful , to me, means if you find something I said or did repugnant, you respect me if you tell me so .... "Pep, your swearing is disgusting and vulgar."

I might be motivated to stop swearing ..... or not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Yeah pep....I can see how that might have been confusing....sorry. The word "personal" has many meanings and I was considering one definition (singling out a particular person) while you may have been considering another (sharing personal thoughts). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FWIW, star, I never though you were too harsh. Your posts are some of the most insightful here, and I don't recall ever seeing you post anything disrespectful. However, there are some established posters here (myself included I guess) that have been extremely disrespectful.


Really? I've seen little to no moderation on certain posters who are far more established than I, despite those posts being saturated personal attacks and disrespect. I've been moderated in my like-styled responses to those posts, while the original posts that tripped my trigger are left alone. Interesting how different people see things differently, huh?


Ya THINK?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Can't disagree with that, not one bit!

Just wanted to say, star, that IMVHO, you have helped a lot of people here, both BS and WS, in ways that you can't imagine. I find your posts both honest and insightful without being harsh or attacking. You have no idea how helpful that is to people, well, me anyway.

GBH....thanks for weighing in.

FWIW, star, I never though you were too harsh.

Well, for certain....not everyone feels that way LOL. I think the last time I someone felt I was too harsh was....welllllll.........yesterday!!! Really. I can't remember exactly how they responded....but my interpretation was "Who the heck are you and what rock did you just crawl out from under?" hehehehehehehe. Of course I've also been accused of being too huggy too. I admit that sometimes I've used more highly charged language than I need to make my point, and sometimes....I probably wasn't direct enough.

Really? I've seen little to no moderation on certain posters who are far more established than I, despite those posts being saturated personal attacks and disrespect. I've been moderated in my like-styled responses to those posts, while the original posts that tripped my trigger are left alone. Interesting how different people see things differently, huh?

You might be right....I've seen that too on occasion. I guess a more accurate statement is that it seems that those of us established here are usually more embroiled in the big controversies....but then that's pretty predictable in some ways huh?

Ya THINK??

LOL....I've been told before that I have a real talent for expressing the obvious. What a talent??? huh?

Just wanted to say, star, that IMVHO, you have helped a lot of people here, both BS and WS, in ways that you can't imagine.

I sincerely believe with hardly any exceptions...that almost every poster who has stayed around after dealing with their own crisis....has helped alot of people.....no matter what their "style" is. That's the quandary isn't it? Because even the really "borderline" stuff that some folks consider "mean" or "uneccessarily cruel"....is sometimes helpful for many posters and lurkers. There's a whole slew of folks that appreciate being kicked in the butt....and another slew that want to curl up into a little ball when approached that way. The ones who appreciate it are really verbal and thankful....and the others sometimes just limp away.

Some posters adhere to a single style....other folks have a more variable style and use what they think might be the best approach for each specific poster/situation/timing. There's advantages associated with both strategies and styles I think. There are some advantages to predictability....as well as some to variability.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'm reading right along. Learning a lot.

SS

Great post Myschae <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I really liked mys's post too....especially the part about "shame" being a questionable motivator. One of the many notable quotes that I've saved in my journey....this one from "Beyond Intractability" says: