I ditto what amiok says....

Not sure what you mean LoveGod? I don't see a post from Amiok?

Callie,
I think she may have been trying to post to the thread that at one point in time was next to this one. I have done that myself before.

When I get a break at work, I'll be back.

SS

Ok, where were we?

I have an appt. with an attorney and I will keep it. I've been going to do this since the inception of my H finding out about my EA. I just haven't done it. I know all of the lawyers in my town and am extremely embarassed to even go and tell them my story. From the outside looking in they would never guess it. By all accounts we are a "respectable couple." I guess all of this protecting worked huh?!? The attorney I have an appt with is in another town.

There are always choices to make. They are seldom easy. Often we give up one thing to get another.

If you can get closer to God, and if you can ask him what you ought to do.......... what will you do if he tells you?

My feeling is that plan B - separation - may work. I don't know, and nothing is for sure except that God loves you and wants you to succeed.


I can sense your frustration with me SS. I am frustrated with myself. Why do I keep giving him chances? Why do I keep believing / hoping in him when he continually lets me down.

My frustration is not with you, or what you are doing. My thoughts are along these lines...........

You have gone through so much. You seek a rest, but you have never been a quitter.
You WANT to know what to do, but you still have doubts.

I care about your feelings, and want to help. If you do confide in your family, I doubt you will give details. At that point, you will be a long way ahead of them in processing your feelings. They'll give their opinion. It may be to leave him and never look back.

I have been on MB long enough to know that you talking about this will help you organize your thoughts, and make decisions. Just verbalizing what's in your mind will help.

Should he have any more chances?

I don't know. There are many things that I don't know, but God knows them all. There is nothing he does not know. Our instructions are - from Luke Chapter 11:
9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
11 If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?
12 Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?
13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

I want you to know you are doing the right thing, and then I want you to do it. When this is over, I want you to have no regrets. You believe in God, and the fact is, he cares about you, and what happens to you. The bible texts indicate he will help - far more than any of us can help our own children, and you know what you would do for yours. Lets get you to the point where you know what you should do.

Please don't be afraid. So easy for me to say, isn't it. Remember, the promises of God are sure. When he said "ask, and ye shall receive" he didn't list you as an exemption.

This may take a little time. What's your time line now?

Are you meeting soon with the lawyer?

Keep in mind that God is never wrong. He doesn't seek to see you suffer, but he wants your happiness. He will bend all his will to this end, and all you have to do is follow his lead. That is a wonderful thing.

It doesn't mean there won't be hardships. It doesn't mean his road will be an easy road. But we are also promised final triumph, the mere contemplation of which tingles one’s soul.

Please understand that I don't claim to have an "in" with God. I don't claim to know exactly what you ought to do. I do claim to have been at the cross roads - and reached out, and gotten help. There is every reason to believe you can do the same.

How are you today?
Still just as hard, or a little better?

SS

The power of prayer has become a great strength to me.

That's part of the message in the book of Esther - but of course there is much more there than that. I hope you don't mind the suggestion - and can we talk after you read it?

Now - back to prayer.

Prayer helps can be used for a number of things.

It can help us know what to do (guidance.)
We can use it to get a lift when we are having a hard time doing what we already know what we should do (increased strength.)
God is able to help more when our hearts are turned to him, than he can if we are resisting. (I am not trying to say that you are resisting.)

Over the years I have learned a lot about prayer, and how to make it more effective. I hope you don't mine if I share some of what I have learned.

It is easier for me to communicate with God when I prepare for it in advance. Especially when I have big decisions to make. I think about what I want to say. I meditate, and put thought into what I am praying about, and what I am praying for. It is also good to remember who I am praying to.

Although God does grant our desires (when they are righteous, and when we pray in faith,) the power of prayer does not give us the ability to manipulate situations or events. The miracle of prayer is in the relationship we form with God. When we come to know he is real, that he loves us, and that he really will help us, it gives us a personal power that helps us to do what he wants us to do.

We come to know that he understands everything about is, our past, our strengths, our weaknesses. We realize he knows what is best for us, and that he has our happiness as his goal.

Sometimes we have a hard time trusting him. We want him to accept our plan, instead of asking him to show us his own perfect plan. For some reason we don't trust that his plan will work, or that it will bring the happiness we seek. We look ahead into the darkness, and are afraid, not trusting that he can see much better than we can see.

The scriptures teach that "God is love." This is a good thing to keep in mind when we pray. There is no one who loves us more. There is no one who has more ability to help us.

I find that it is good to be honest with him.
I'm scared.
I'm lonely.
I don't know if I can do this.
I have no hope that this can work.
It seems to help when we open our heart to him, and tell him our deepest feelings. It also helps to ask for what we really need.

Are you really there?
Will you please help me?
I don't know what to do, please show me the way.

I promise there is someone there, who wants to help you. I know from personal experience, not from things I have read, though what I read supports my own experiences.

I have prayed for you, and will continue to do so.

You are a strong person, and you have many abilities. I believe you will do well. If you will call upon God, and enlist his aid, he will show you the way.

I know it's difficult for you to talk about much of this. It's always your choice to post, or not post, but I hope you will share your feelings here, and let us give support.

God be with you.

SS

SS - Thank you for your posts and I'm sorry I didn't post earlier. What a few days it's been for me. Here's an update.

I found out that H WAS taking something and has been on and off for months. He has been taking valium and was really out of it all week. He's been sick (says not from valium) all week and home. I think he was sick and then he just took more valium than he should to make him "feel better and sleep" while being sick. He says his family dr. rx'd it. He may have because he's done so in the past before the bi-polar was diagnosed and he was a mess on anti-d's. People with BPD cannot take anti-d's w/o a mood stabilizer. He had not yet been diagnosed with bpd and was not on a mood stabilizer and he was very loopy so they rx'd valium for nerves. This was 9 months ago. So what I think is going on here is that his psych. dr. has no idea that he's taking valium and his family dr. has no idea what he's on for BPD - so he's essentially playing both sides.

For months I've questioned if he's been on something and he's lied. When he would wake up in the am. he would slurr his words, stumble around and be somewhat disoriented. I questioned him repeatedly and he denied "taking anything." His definition of taking anything is taking something not rx'd. Apparantly he was taking the valium late in his work shift, coming home sleeping and then it would take 3-4 hours for it to wear off. He would then not take anything when @ home so he could "sober up" in front of me. I have no idea what and how much he took @ work. He's avoided the psyc. dr. blood tests and this is why. Psych doc has no idea about the valium. I'm not even 100% convinced that it is valium and that it is rx'd through his family dr. That cold all be a lie for all I know.

So basically he's been lying about drug use yet again. He went on a little "binge" this week and was out of it every day since Saturday. He now says he wants to get off all of this stuff, start living right yada yada yada. I've heard all of this stuff before. What he'll do is shape up for maybe a month or so, but then back to just something every now and then, miss a day or two here from work, card game here and there. BAsically he'll stop his bad behavior, but he ALWAYS slowly eases back into it. He does it slow enough and my tolerance level for this builds and he does this bad behavior more and more.

I did see a lawyer today. The look on his face as my story unfolded said alot. H has no idea I went to see an attorney. I did get alot of information about how Divorce/Dissolution works, but I need to email him some financial documents so I can have a better idea of what's going on. I will hopefully have those answers this week. Basically I want to know exactly where I stand and what I'm entitled too. I said I had no intentions of taking him to the cleaners and that I wanted to be fair if/when it comes to that.

What I am afraid will happen is that H will indeed step up for a while, I'll soften, give him another chance and I will be right back in the same spot. If you recall H has unbeknownst (sp?) to me taken pills pretty much our whole R. If you will also recall he did the same thing when he was addicted to oxycontin 1.5 years ago.

I've learned and thought alot during the last few days and I see that our M has been full of broken promises from him. He's ALWAYS been going to change his ways, BUT he's not changed much of ANYTHING. Any changes that are made never last.

Right now my mind is spinning and I feel as if I'm @ a crossroads. I'm looking very closely at the road that leads to divorce and I've started taking baby steps, but I know that once I head down that road I won't most likely turn back. I know that with H I need to be very prepared. Mentally, financially. I know it could get very nasty very fast if he REALLY feels like he's losing me. I am prepared to move swiftly if things escalate. After he sobered up this morning he said he didn't want to do this anymore and said he threw his valium out the window of his car. I highly doubt that. What will come next is he'll start being nice to me, draw me back in and he'll gradually revert to the same old same old. Right now I'm trying to keep my distance from him. I want to speak further with the attorney and decide in my mind which way I'm going and @ what time to proceed. I don't want his "niceness" to interfere with that. I do feel bad for him and I do want to help him but the price that I'm paying to do that is starting to become too high and I'm compromising myself.

That's my last 48 hours in a nutshell. I've been a shakey, jittery mess. But in the end I know that I'll be ok. SS - you know that I've prayed about this, but I've never taken the time to meditate and REALLY take the time to ask for the right direction. It has been mainly short prayers asking God to be with me and guide me. I will take your advice and devote some time to it this weekend. I also haven't had time to read the book of Esther. I will do that as well. Thanks again for your input. I hope this post makes sense. I feel like someone turned my world completely upside down and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, so I apologize if my thoughts are "jumbled" in this post. Thanks again and I appreciate your input

Your post is very clear to me. I don't have a problem with it at all.
Well, that's not really true. I don't have a problem understanding it, but I do have a problem with what has been going on. I am sorry, but that doesn't even begin to cover it - and I realize that.

I hope you understand that I wasn't suggesting you stay.......... or that you go. I really don't know.

I have seen it go both ways.

My personal opinion right at first was that "go" would have been by far the easiest. Easy is not always what is right.


You really are at a crossroad. This really is important.

Besides the pills, I believe you told us early on that he had also had at least one A himself.

I have seen many people say things like "If my spouse ever did this, or that, I would be gone so fast, it would make your head spin." Only to see it happen to them, an they try to fix it, not leave as they thought they would.

I say this in reference to your comments about friends and family finding out about some of this, and what their thoughts and comments might be.

As before, I suggest you think it through carefully, pray in faith, and make the best decision you can. God can and does confirm to our hearts the best course to follow. Once you know what the right thing is, then does it really matter what anyone else says, or thinks?


Also........... it's good to pray those short prayers right along. They all help. It's just that I think you can use a little more help, and have a lot more peace in your decision.

I hope you don't mind me quoting some of these things directly. It has always helped me.

From John, chapter 16.
"33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

Remember who it is that makes these promises to you. I hope you can feel the truth of his promise when you read it. It is very powerful.

May your sleep tonight be restful. May your day tomorrow be full of hope for your future. (though you probably won't read it until Sat morning.)
I continue to pray for all of you, including your H. Perhaps he needs it the most of all of you.

SS

I spent all morning pulling my credit reports and getting some more things together. H and I stayed up talking until very late last night. For the first time I can remember he was very honest with me - brutally honest. I can't remember the last time I cried so hard - I cried and cried and cried and just couldn't stop. He told me some things in his childhood that had happened. It sickens me that his parents can call themselves parents. They were oblivious to what was going on with their son. At 6-7 years old he was hanging out with older people and doing drugs. 14-15 year olds made him do drugs because they thought it was funny to see a little kid high. Pot, Opium, who knows what else. He thought it was "cool" that he got to hang out with older kids at 6 years old. That is the age of our twins right now and I cannot even imagine. I just can't. What I want to know is WHERE THE ****** WERE HIS PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!! How could any parent not know this, how could any parent allow this?? The MIL and FIL that I care about, that I love. HOW could they not know what was happening to their son? HOW????

H was very honest and told me that he's done rx pills all along, during our entire relationship. Not necessarily daily, and not enough to become addicted to them per say but he's done them all along. All of that time and energy that I spent pushing him to go to work, pushing to stop the gambling, dealing with affairs, dealing with $$ problems. All of this time he was doing drugs. Darvocet, Percocet, Valium, Xanax, Oxycontin. He's been on drugs since before our twins were born. He's been on drugs our WHOLE marriage almost 12 YEARS!! The percocet that I had left over after the birth of our children were gone in a matter of days. He's developed such a tolerance to it and it's become a part of his every day life and I was oblivious to it all.

I've not been around drugs. I don't know what the signs are. I am not educated in what to look for. I was very naieve (sp?). I had no idea, I just didn't. Drugs are not from my world. He had become so adapt at hiding it, at when to take it so I wouldn't know. I didn't know. All of that time that I spent fighting, believing, hoping, praying. All of the energy that I spent on him was for nothing because you can't deal with someone who is not even in their right mind. I questioned his laziness and missed work and cards and misspent money from 4-6 years ago. He admitted to me last night that he was on Oxy the whole time. I knew that he was addicted to Oxy about 1.5 years ago, but thought it was a 6 month addiction, not a 6 YEAR addiction. I was fighting something that I didn't even see. I'm just at a loss for words - I am numb - I can't speak.

He admitted that the reason that we have such a nice house, great kids, great family, great vacations, all of the ammenities is because of me. He admits that he has had no part in this life that I"ve created. He admits that he is an outsider living in my world and always has been. He told me that he WANTS to live in "my world" but he just doesn't fit in. He asked me why I've always stuck by him and believed in him and hoped in him when he didn't believe in himself. We were sitting by our Christmas tree and he said he's never had a tree so elegant, so beautiful in his life. It is out of a "storybook" to him. He said without me he knows he'll never have a tree like that again in his life.

He told me how he feels when he is on drugs and how he feels when he is not. He told me that he wants the life that I've created to be for "him" but he just feels so out of place. He told me how he got started taking drugs, that someone from work gave them to him and told him to "try it."

I am finding myself wanting to help him and reach out to him, but I know that I can't. I know that I need to let go. I can't help him anymore. I have to turn my energy to now repairing myself. I have struggled so, so much, I have tried so, so hard. I've sacrificed myself, my beliefs to help him. I have to turn that energy into letting go of my marriage and being there for my kids. The very childhood that he is trying to "drug" himself away from is the the one that he is creating for his kids. I realize that he remembers his pain from when he was 6 years old and beyond. This emphasizes just how important it is that I remove my kids and myself from this now because THEY are 6 years old. What I am teaching them right now will carry on into their adult lives. My husband is proof of that. I love him, I will always care about him, but I can't care FOR him anymore.

I now realize that because of everything I've been through of him ... I will never be able to look at him through the eyes of a loving wife. I will never be able to trust him. I will always have to watch my back with him.

I am scared to death to let him go. I fear so much what his life will be like without me. I have been his "lighthouse" for 19 years. I have been his guide, his morals and his conscience for 19 years. I have loved him for 19 years, but I did not KNOW him. I do not KNOW him. HE does not know him. How do you let someone you care about self destruct? How do you do it? That is what I'm doing if I let him go. I'm just so sad.

As it stands right now we are going to BOTH try to get through the holidays while planning an amicable divorce. He said he wants to make sure that neither of is hurt. We also agreed that we will always have feelings for eachother, but that we cannot do this anymore. We need to seperate and be the best parents that we can be for our awesome kids. It is a real rollercoaster for me because it's as if now he's wanting to "help" me and not give me the shaft $$ wise on a D, I feel the same. I only want what is fair and I don't want to take him to the cleaners.

I don't know what the next month will bring, but as of now he'll remain here and we'll slowly work towards a D. I've cried so many tears in the last 24 hours. I feel like a failure. I want to help him, but I know that I need to help myself and my kids first. I'm going to take a few days and absorb this and see what to do next or where to go from here. I hope we can continue on this path. I hope we can stay on the same page and I hope that we don't resort to hurting each other.

I told him that I could imagine helping him decorate his house. I told him that I hoped that we would NEVER need a judge to tell us when we could or not see or have our kids. He agreed. I just feel such a loss. I feel like I've given everything that I have to help him and I failed. I just need some time to get my head straight. On Friday I was trying so desperately to protect my kids and myself. Today I want the best for both of us. I'm just so sad and at a loss right now, but I am very grateful for his honesty. I am very glad to be finally becoming non-complacent and to have some decisions made.

H left for the day and we'll probably talk more later tonight. It is times like this when I see the good in him. He does not want to be like this. He is better than this - but so am I. So are my kids. I know that I cannot continue on like this.

I've read your post twice, but I can't get all of it in my head yet. I need to read it a few more times.

Please tell me your feelings about this.

Feelings about what you learned.

Feelings about your conversation.

Feelings about your future.

Please get enough rest - if you talk tonight, don't stay up too late. Tomorrow and the next day are time enough.

God be with you.

SS

I went to bed last night and then woke up in the middle of the night with my mind spinning. H got up and we talked for about 3 hours. I'm still pretty numb and just sick of thinking right now. I found out that apparantly his "sickness" last week was not really sickness it was withdrawal. Apparantly he put himself through his own "rehab". I think it was Oxycontin again. I didn't even ask because I don't want to know the answer. This coming 1.5 years after already went through a dr. assisted rehab off of Oxy. (his dr. actually prescribed lower doses of this until he was weaned off of it) He started taking it again shortly thereafter. So basically last week he stopped taking oxy and took xanax in it's place to help him basically sleep through the withdrawal process. He said he stopped taking it last Saturday (the oxy) and by Wednesday he'd called the guy he bought them from and said he was coming to get more - he then called him back and said he wasn't. He said he'd reached a point and decided to stop because he knew he couldn't live like this. He said he knew that the kids and I deserved better. He wanted to have a different life with us. He knew it was wrong and that he was killing himself.

I am not sure how I feel. I am very grateful for his honesty - for him to tell me the things he's told me in the last few days are MONUMENTAL. He's NEVER been so open with me. It's as if he's given me glimpses into his dark private world. Our entire relationship I have only been able to guess and assume what was going on with him. It's as if he's opening the doors to who he is. He said that he's not on anything right now and wants to keep it that way. I believe him when he says he's not on anything - I can see it in his eyes. They're more clear, more alert. I find myself wanting to believe that he'll really stay off drugs, but I can't.

I am also repulsed, disgusted, full of anger and rage. I can tell that I'll probably be experiencing more of those emotions. I feel like he's stolen part of me, like who does he think he is to do this to me. When I chose to M him, when I chose to have kids with him, build a house with him, LOVE him...all of it was with a stranger. We sat down and talked about EVERY major event in our lives before we proceeded (selling a house, building a house, having kids etc.) and he KNEW he had this problem but didn't address it or discuss it. I deserve better than this, our kids deserve better than this, HE deserves better than this. I would have helped him if only he'd let me in. I am humiliated and embarassed that he is saddled with this problem. I am ashamed to tell my family, friends that my husband - the person who I chose to spend my life with is / was a drug addict. I'm mad that I didn't trust my instincts and my gut when they told me that something was not right with him. I'm furious that he could look me straight in the eye and lie on a DAILY basis. I'm furious with myself for trusting him.

He said last night that he knows what he had with me. He knows what he's losing can never be replaced. He said I've been his foundation and that he's always felt that he needed to protect me from things. I asked him if he'd ever thought that what I needed protection from the most was him. He's done more harm to me than anyone else could. He is the person that I should be able to lean on, count on, trust the MOST in this world. He is the person that I chose to spend my life with. I can't.

He said he's going to call his psychiatrist and set up an appointment this week and be straight with him with what's really going on. He said he wants to get correct treatment for his bi-polar. He admits that he's only been going through the motions with his bipolar and hasn't really searched for or cared about proper treatment. He says he does now. I find myself somewhat believing in him and hoping for him, but it is heavily guarded hope because in every case he has always failed. He always reverts back to what he is.

I can sense that he's in alot of turmoil right now. He wants to hold on to the kids and I. He wants to have a better life. He doesn't want to let go, but somewhere in his mind he's waffling with what's best. I do think that although he is very selfish that he loves us ENOUGH to let us go. I honestly have to say that I too find myself struggling with letting go. I almost feel like maybe THIS is the time that he'll change - but then I find myself looking back at a life of broken promises from him. I asked him last night if he remembered the second he found out about my EA and what he felt. The realization that what you've suspected was indeed true. Did he remember the dispair, pain, sadness, devastation that he felt. He said yes. I said that I had that same feeling every time I found out about more drugs, more affairs, 40k hidden credit card debt. It is a different action, but the feeling is still the same for me. I also said that 1.5 years ago he found out about my EA. 1.5 years ago I found out about his drug addiction. How would it feel to him if he'd found out that I'd not stopped contact with OM and I'd been seeing him all along? Could he handle another devastation like that just 1.5 years after the first? He said he couldn't.

For now I"m going to slowly work towards divorce. I'm going to take things a day at a time and I'm going to take my focus off of him and try to put that energy into myself and my kids. I still feel like my head is spinning, but I know that I will be ok.

Thanks again for your help SS - I never in my life ever imagined that I would be dealing with any of this.

Your mind is always considering solutions - Looking for what is best, turning over the possibilities.

Have you got any more ideas?

I know there is not much I can do to help with this. I would guess it seemed overwhelming at first, but your mind always seeks solutions, so I would guess you sorted out your options, and have the short list in mind now.

I am glad you care for him, and about him. I am sorry he broke your trust.

How are the twins? Do they sense trouble, or no?

Are you mostly OK today?

SS

I found out it was Methadone this time. I have no clue what that even is. H went and took his blood test for the psych. doctor. Big step for him - he was supposed to have done that 4 months ago but didn't because of the drug use. He also called to set up a quicker appt. with his psych doc. Says he's going to tell him everything and turn to him for help instead of drugs. He said he is still experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

I really am at a loss as to what to say here. I am still blown away. I am humiliated, embarassed, ashamed. He keeps saying don't beat yourself up, it is not your fault it is all my fault and I am responsible. I know this, but I still feel tied to his choices. I still feel like he represented my kids and I. He said that he didn't take drugs necessarily for the high. He said it was more to feel normal and to cope. I can say that he was functioning for the past few years. He wasn't walking around slurring / stumbling etc. It wasn't the "zone out high as a kite" thing that is typical when thinking of drug users. But then again I know nothing about drugs.

To top today off, my mom told me that a 26 year old man in our community who we knew died this weekend of a drug overdose. Just to see the disgust in her eyes and hear it in her voice as she told me the story...She is completely disgusted about drug use and makes no point to censor that. This kid came from a good family and his poor mom had drug him in and out of rehab for years. I was at a loss for what to say. What would she say if she knew that her daughter and grandchildren have been living with the same thing. What would she say when she found out that it was happening under her own roof (we lived there for 6 months while building our house). I doubt she'd have much sympathy at all even for her SIL which she cares alot about.

SS - I know there's not much more that you can do. Yes I have been searching for answers and my mind is spinning. Maybe I'm keep coming back to MB and posting so I can have people tell me I'm crazy and run as fast as you can away from this man. I don't know. I do know that a high % of people with bipolar self medicate, but to me that's no excuse. As things keep unfolding I've learned that he's been on drugs for about 6-7 years - how I did not see that, I'll never know. The only thing he's been able to say is he WANTS to change and he's sorry. None of that really means anything to me though coming from him. He knows this and knows his actions are the reason for this. I suppose his words mean next to nothing at this point in our lives.

It is really wierd - I look @ his eyes and they have a sparkle in them, they have life in them. For years they've appeared cold and dead. That became normal to me and I guess I never realized it. I realize that there is a very high chance of relapse. He obviously relapsed from a year ago. I know that he wants more and I know that he's better than that. Who knows if he'll be able to follow through with it though. I almost feel paralyzed to him - my heart wants to help him, my mind says run very far away. By nature though, I would want to help anyone in this situation. I'm not necessarily sure that giving him my help would be based on love and not just sympathy.

Thanks for your help. I'm not really sure what I expect MB to offer me at this point, but I'm glad to have the chance to get it out there. This is way to humiliating for me to talk to anyone in real life right now. Of course, I welcome any input. Thanks for your time and thanks for reading.

Maybe I'm keep coming back to MB and posting so I can have people tell me I'm crazy and run as fast as you can away from this man.

There have been times I have wanted to say that. There have been times you wanted to hear it.

It would be wrong of either of us to make a decision based on our own limited knowledge. You have much more than I do, but God has more than either of us. As I have said before, he is never wrong.

I don't think anyone would fault you if you said "its over, I'm finished." I wouldn't hold against you at all - but I sense it still would bother you........... even now.

MB is used for many things. Support is one of them.

Stay as long as it helps you.

I admire your bravery and your love and concern for him. How wonderful it is that you care about him even after all he has done. I realize you have mixed feelings, but I think you know what I mean.

Tomorrow is a new day. Shall we see what it brings?

SS

Just an update, don't really expect a response.

H saw his psych doc. and told him about his addiction to methadone. Psych doc told him to get off of everything - bpd rx, non rx meds (drugs) everything. He said he questioned whether he even had bpd. Said drug use could give the same BPD symptims. Said to come back in a month if he was still having problems. I of course was floored and mad. Psych Doc. just left him out there to self destruct. I am 99% sure that H has bipolar. To H's credit, he immediately knew something wasn't right and contacted his family dr. Said psych doc. basically gave up on him. Family dr. was not happy because this is the 2nd dr. assisted rehab he's done on H in 1.5 years. But gave him the whole drug abuse spiel and he again helped him by doing a dr. assisted rehab by prescribing Methadone for H so he can wean himself off of it.

I will say that I am crushed and H sees that. He said he's never seen me in this state and it really upsets him. It does - I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. The thing is...I know he WANTS to be off of this stuff. He doesn't want to be this way and he's better than this. He knows this and I know this.

Soooo...for the last few days my world has yet again been turned upside down. It is everything that I can do to even function. I am taking it day by day. I want to help him, I want to trust and believe in him. But I don't. I can wait it out for a while, but I don't believe that he can do this permanently.

To H's credit - he has been more honest with me than he's ever been. He's told me what he's taking and when he's taking it. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the truth. But just as I say he's better than this, I know that "I" deserve better AND my "KIDS" deserve better. I don't want to abandon him and as of now things are "ok". But I don't know how much more I can help...what more I can do.

I would like to get through the holidays. I have contacted a lawyer that H doesn't know about. I have created a financial spreadsheet. I know what I am entitled too and how it can be divided. I am grateful that I "have my ducks in a row" if it comes to that.

Thanks for reading and of course I welcome your input. I know that if I can't help myself, nobody else can help me...BUT I KNOW that at some point I WILL help myself.

Just an update, don't really expect a response.

Oh Ho -
You don't know me very well then. LOL.

How are you today?

The weekend was ??

Thanks for reading and of course I welcome your input. I know that if I can't help myself, nobody else can help me...BUT I KNOW that at some point I WILL help myself.

What role does God play in all this?
Is he just an interested observer?

Sometimes my questions may sound ...... I don't know. Harsh?

I wish you could hear the concern in my voice, and see the soft expression on my face.

There is help available beyond our own ability. I know from personal experience. There is knowledge beyond our own knowledge, and skill beyond our own skill. There is wisdom beyond our own wisdom.

I know God helps those that helps them selves. I know he expects us to do all that we can do........ but he also expects us to ask in faith about things that we could use a little extra help with.

Please take this as support - and encouragement.

I really am interested in how it went over the weekend.

How the twins are.
How he is.
How you are.

God be with you.

SS

I just checked H into rehab. I went to his family dr. with him this am. He is getting worse, worse withdrawal symptoms and I knew the dr. would just prescribe valium and I knew that he would most likely abuse it again. H did not want me going at all, but I went anyway. I talked to the doctor and once he heard the extent of it he called a local outpatient rehab and they said given what he's taken he was probably beyond them. He would need something more intensive. I was referred to a local hospital with an inpatient rehab. Spent the entire morning with him in the ER. They gave him something for the anxiety (which didn't really help). His blood pressure, heart rate were through the roof. Bloodwork all wacked out too. They said he was very dehydrated and gave him an iv. Once the IV was done it was up to addiction services. They said immediately that he needed to do a 3 day detox at minimum. He agreed. They have several phases and can do some of this outpatient, but the levels and the drugs that he was taking were too severe for minimal intervention.

I told H to look around at the type of people that were at this rehab during his 3 day stay. I am going to go up there tomorrow and drop some things off. I do not plan on sitting up there with him and coddling him. I think he needs to wallow in his misery for a while. As far as the detox, they'll give him drugs for anxiety, to sleep, monitor his bloodwork etc. He'll also have intense therapy.

I have been with him all through this and when the addiction specialist went to call H in, I got up to go with him. She said he had to go alone. I started crying. She came out later and basically said that he would have the chance to sign a release form which would allow me to go in if he chose to. He must not have signed it because I was escorted in to say goodbyes and then asked to leave. I was completely hurt and pissed off at that.

Today I found out that H had said when I was on vacation that he flushed most of his drugs and was done. I found out that was not the case. He took them ALL!!! 44 valium and 16 methadone during a 3 day period. I have been advised by specialists that he has developed an extraordinary high tolerance to drugs. He also admitted that 2 days ago during withdrawal it got so bad that he started scrounging around the house looking for any drugs that he may have hidden through the years. He found 2 vicodin and took them.

Went up and told mom and dad pretty much everything about the drugs. Both were shocked, stunned, but very supportive. They said their support lies with me, but that it is there for H if he wants it. My mom (who is fiercely repulsed by drug use) said that she's known H since he was 16 and she would not abandon him at this time of dire need. Both also said that they knew he couldn't do this without me. I agree and said that I would not leave him right now. I pretty much told them everything from amounts, durations, crap I dealt with Christmas week etc. I also said that I'd seen a lawyer and was more prepared for a D right now than I've ever been (financially etc.). I said that I would see him through this, but when I come up for air I'm not sure what I will have left feeling wise for him.

I told them that he has never been a H to me, always more like a son. Told them that this is the tip of the iceberg with what he's put me through. I said about the only thing he hasn't done to me is hit me. I also said that there is not one person that I trust less than him.

I think they were both so shocked that they weren't sure what to say. I just started crying and said that I just needed to get this all out the best that I could. Both said that I should not have carried this burden alone. Both know and see that H is a good person at heart, he wants to do right, be good but so far hasn't been able to overall.

At the rehab he is obviously not allowed drugs, but neither is he allowed nicotine. He smokes. My H sleeps with a fan every night. Can't go to sleep without it. I told them that I'd thought about running a fan, change of clothes, toiletries over to him tonight but was going to go get kids and get them ready for bed. My mom said "Callie" his body is screaming for drugs, he's not allowed to smoke, let's at least be sure he gets his fan. I took all of that over to him, mom got the kids, gave them a bath etc. When I saw H tonight I took told him that and it brought tears to his eyes. He was very choked up and really hit him hard at their support of him.

He didn't know that I was going to tell mom and dad. As soon as I heard the words inpatient rehab I knew I'd be telling them tonight. He was upset. He loves and respects my parents more than anybody. He didn't care WHO knew as long as it wasn't them. They hold him accountable and responsible more than his own parents. They'd asked about visiting him, I said that probably wasn't a good idea right now. He said please don't allow them to lower themselves by walking through those doors at the rehab.

When I got there he was very antsy, anxious, jittery, cold etc. I'd expected to see him drugged up, but he was not. He wanted to come home and said that he could do this in the comfort of his own home. I said he's had several chances to do just that and he hasn't. He agreed. In the end I know this lies with him. He's got a ton of support right now, mostly from my family. He's got alot of people counting on him, rooting for him, praying for him. I said you can do this, don't let us down.


All in all, I'm glad he's getting help. I'm not really sure how I feel right now because I'm again in survival mode. Not sure which way to turn, not quite sure what to do.

This is the right thing.

You are correct in that you (we) don't know what will happen, but you did the right thing.

I could say a lot more. Things come to mind.

I feel much relief. Now, having said that, I'm sure it doesn't hold a candle to what you feel. This is PROGRESS. No matter what else happens, this is progress.

Life is about overcoming faults, not being perfect. Perfection in this life is an illusion -

Both of you have grown........ are growing.

I hoped your parents would be supportive. I believed they would be. After all, you have to have gotten the good in you from somewhere, right?

You have just gone through a time of year that usually evokes more emotion, and thought than any other time or season. I'm not sure if you let yourself think though. If you did, I am interested in your thoughts, and feelings.

Thanks for the update. In one way, I am very happy for you. You will never be the same again, and the new you is a better person in some very important ways.

Thanks for the example - thanks.

SS

Hey, just an update. I'm starting to come up for air a bit. Going to try to gloss over the facts here. H got out of detox. He starts back to work tonight and outpatient rehab on Wednesday. It is 3x a week for 2-3 hours a day and he'll have some kind of a sponsor. That is very intensive for him, but he says he'll do it. He's got alot of people counting on him to stick to his word. He will also go see his psychiatrist to hopefully get on correct anti-d's. He'll also go see the first counselor that we went too when he found out about OM. I really really liked her, but she was very blunt, honest and brutal to H back then and he of course hated her. He suggested seeing her because I liked her so much and she told it like it was. She was also very compassionate.

I've talked with h's parents pretty much every day and have been very honest with how he started, why, when etc. He ended up getting somewhat addicted to darvocet at a young age 16-17. He got it from them (his dad had an rx for migranes and H took them from him (H has migraines too) although FIL didn't know the extent. His MOM would go to her dr. and get a rx for 150 or so darvocet for herself but then give them to H for his headaches. - (yes she really is that stupid). He admitted that he's pretty much taken stuff for about 20 years. The drugs kept escalating to stronger and stronger. He went from darvocet, vicodin, percocet and then upped the ante and became addicted to OXY for about 7 years, got off of that himself with his family doc's help (about 1.5 years ago) Was off of that for a few weeks -- month and still having withdrawal symptoms so switched to the methadone. Methadone is supposed to help heroine addicts with their withdrawal symptoms from heroine. Apparantly it helped with his withdrawal symptoms to oxy too.

At his peak, he was a very heavy user and built up a great tolerance to these drugs. He tried to get off of the methadone a month or so ago, but couldn't do it without drugging himself out on valium. During the 3 day vacation I took with my kids/family after Christmas he took 18 Methdone and 39 Valium. He really should be dead from those dosages.

He admits that he's had to work very hard to lie all of these years. He fooled my parents (we lived with them 6 months while building house), his parents and everyone really. We all knew that he took things every now and then for headaches (percocet, darvocet ect.) Nothing like this though. He told me that he's funded his habit either by $ from our checking or from his own secret account. Apparantly he had a "few hundred dollars" (I'm guessing $2-300) per week directed into a seperate account out of his check weekly that funded his rx habit. I had no clue. The crappy thing is that if he only worked 3 days a week HIS account was funded first, it was our household $$ that was deficient. He's admitted that there were days that he was so looped that he didn't even remember what happened and I didn't have a clue.

He is still very shakey, jittery, cold, antsy, can't sleep from withdrawal symptoms. He admits he knows if he took "something" that this would all go away. He admits that he is tempted, but that he's come so far he won't go back right now. He also was very honest and said he's doing his best but that he couldn't predict the future and what he would do. I found a place online to get at home urine drug tests. He said order them. I said If I request it at any time you have to take it. If you do not it is an admission of guilt. He said he would, he said if he slips up he would rather tell me than lie again like he has.

He also went up yesterday and faced my parents. He respects them more anyone else in the world. It was VERY hard for him to do and lots of tears. My parents overall are disgusted, but very supportive. He knows that their support is conditional on his recovery though. They would not support him in and out of rehabs. He either does this right or he doesn't. My mom told him that I have a soft spot for H, but she knew that it could turn to steel if I made that decision. She also pointed out that I would do what is best for my kids above all. H knows that.

His parents, my parents and myself have reiterated to him just how bad he's been to me. He says he knows that and that he wants to do whatever he can to make it up to me and regain my trust. He IS trying, he is struggling very hard - but truthfully says he does not know what he's fully capable of or what kind of H he can be w/o drugs because he's not really ever been that.

To his credit, H smokes about 1.5 packs of cigarettes a day, drinks Mt. Dew as his ONLY source of liquid, eats a TON of sugar (candy, candy bars etc) He was not allowed to have that in rehab and I'm astounded to say that he wants off of all that too and has had none of that in rehab or since he's been home. I know he'll eventually have a few Mt. Dew's or candy bars or whatever. He's smoked since he was 10 though so that alone is HUGE for him and makes that struggle that much harder.

I find myself being hard on him, not letting him off of the hook or "forget" where he's been. But I'm also very supportive tell him that I'm proud of him and that he can do this. I've called his drug supplier and told him where H was and do not contact him anymore or take his calls (may or not work, but at least he'll think twice between supplying H.) Also called his family doc (whom he talked into some of these drugs) and told him of H's situation. He said H would not be getting any narcotics from here on out from his office. He said he would do whatever it took to help me out. I know that I can't eliminate all sources, but at least this way it will make it harder if H decides to use again. At least he'll have to think a little longer, or try a little harder before getting anything.

Truth be told, I'm "damaged goods" when I'm with him. I don't trust him and I'm very afraid of what the future holds. This is another "hook" for me that draws me back in. Logically I know that drugs change a person and that he could be very different, but after 20 years of this crap I'm not sure how much I can forgive without a major overhaul on H's part. It is one thing to be sorry, but another thing to forgive such heinous acts and trust someone who has always been untrustworthy. I know that I've done all that I can do. I feel like right now it's all him. If he cannot do it though I am ready for whatever the future holds on my own. I've made it very clear to my parents and his parents that I'm this >< close to leaving. I will do so in a heartbeat at this point. I never in a million years thought when I walked down that aisle that I would utter the words divorce. I never in a million years thought my marriage would be this dramatic though. I almost feel like our whole M and every memory that I have is somewhat of a lie. Not really a lie, but discounted or reduced because of his drug use. Our wedding, honeymoon, vacations etc.

I will also say that my twins are 6 years old. By all accounts their life is normal and they have no idea of the extent of problems that H and I have. I do not argue/fight/discuss this with H in front of them. They do all of the typical 6 year old things. I am a room mother, a computer lab volunteer for their class, they go to birthday parties, play dates etc. I know that I can cover this up to them for now, but not when they are older. They are my priority and I am fully aware that H needs MAJOR changes right now. If he cannot they WILL be aware of his problems by figuring it out themselves. Right now it is as if H is doing this to ME not them. When they are older I know if he cannot change he'll be doing it to all of us because they'll be old enough to figure stuff out.

I'll take any input into my situation that anyone has to offer. I know this is an extreme case, but it is my M. Drugs is not from my world, but it was thrown on my doorstep and I had to "fight or flight". My inital reaction and current reaction is to fight. It would not be possible for me to let H drown without first trying to save him. I do know that I can't let us both go down in the process of saving him.

Usually I have lots of questions. None come to mind though. Right now, I am optimistic.

This is further than you have ever gotten.

Akkkkkk, Ok I lied. Questions are coming to mind. I should probably not ask though........ and let you rest. (Yeah, like you will get any rest for the near future.)

Only one question this time.

Did you enjoy Christmas, or were things too much "up in the air" for you to really relax and enjoy it?

I think that one thing will tell me what I want to know most.

God be with you.

SS

SS, thanks for asking. Christmas for me was ok. For the kids it was great. For H - well he was blitzed out of his mind on valium the entire week of Christmas and throughout our 3 day vacation with my family after Christmas. He did not go up to my parents for Christmas Eve, was here Christmas morning when the kids opened gifts. I took him to his mom's while I left for vacation with the kids and my family. During the 3 day trip he took 17 Methadone, 39 Valium. It is really a wonder he's alive. When I returned, he entered the drug rehab. So I'll say I've had better Christmases. lol. This is not funny I know, but laughter helps me keep my sanity at times like this.

A little update. H had his outpatient rehab assessment yesterday - I went with him. He'll go to outpatient rehab for 3 hours a day, 3 days a week for 6 weeks. It was a bit of a joke yesterday, but hopefully it gets better when he actually starts rehab (tomorrow). My hope is that it truely helps him. I saw my IC yesterday. He was just completely astounded and really didn't have much to say at that point. I've ordered a few books to start reading on co-dependency and one on Narcissism. I'm really trying to figure out who H is and what makes him tick. I think that will help both of us. I know that whether we're together or not I'll be dealing with him for the rest of our lives, so I hope I can help him find the answers.

H went back to work last night. He is still very shakey, jittery, antsy, flighty. But he is clean. Still not smoking, still not plowing through the Mt. Dew and candy. Very proud of him for that.

I think the next few weeks will tell me alot of what H is capable of on the road to getting well. My parents/ sister/ his parents call almost daily offering support and wanting updates. I'm very clear and truthful with all of them. I've also made it very clear that I am at the end of my rope and I've mentioned divorce several times to them, so if it does come to that, they're prepared. H is also very clear that I will do this rehab thing 1x. I do realize that he has a very high chance of relapse. I'm doing everything to prevent that from happening though.

As far as my kids, they know none of this and I'm doing my best to keep it that way. My ds is going to his first sleepover on Saturday and he's very excited about that. DD goes to a friends birthday party that day. I am a volunteer for their computer labs every Thursday, so I'm glad to be able to see them in that environment and meet their friends. Really, I've tried my best to exclude them from the reality of all of this. They're 6 - there is no need for them to know of what their dad has done-I hope H can do this and that they never have to feel the shame and embarrassment that I feel right now with all of this.

Thanks for asking SS.