I've used up all my time - it's time to leave for the day. I did read, and will probably comment next week when I get back.

I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I am happy that important people in your world know what is happening, and can support you. I would guess that is a great help to you emotionally.

I hope he makes it. I believe you will either way, but I hope he does too.

SS

Mostly, how was the weekend?
And of course, how is everything else?

I marvel at how you can continue living life, and making it good for your children, and still help him, and cope with the fallout of things he does. I know you wonder sometimes, but I commend you for doing what you do. I have a great respect for you.

Why did he not go to your parents at Christmas? Afraid to face them, or too zonked out?

This one just because I am curious -
The travel with your family - brothers and sisters, or just your parents? Some of your abilities and traits had me thinking you might be an only child, or the oldest child if you do have siblings. I probably shouldn't ask, but I am nothing if not curious.

I can see some of your dreams involve normal family life, vacations, and holidays. I wonder about a lot of things to do with that......... but as I said, I have a great respect that you can go, let the twins have a great time, and maintain a good attitude.


H went back to work last night. He is still very shakey, jittery, antsy, flighty. But he is clean. Still not smoking, still not plowing through the Mt. Dew and candy. Very proud of him for that.

I am impressed also. I so hope he can do this. He must have much good in him, or you would not have loved him. How wonderful it would be if he can put all this behind him, and be the man he wants to be, and the man you, and the kids need him to be.

I think the next few weeks will tell me alot of what H is capable of on the road to getting well. My parents/ sister/ his parents call almost daily offering support and wanting updates.

Ah - you do have a sister. I should pay better attention. I am glad you get this support. It's important.

I'm very clear and truthful with all of them. I've also made it very clear that I am at the end of my rope and I've mentioned divorce several times to them, so if it does come to that, they're prepared. H is also very clear that I will do this rehab thing 1x. I do realize that he has a very high chance of relapse. I'm doing everything to prevent that from happening though.

I know that you will be strong, and mostly talk about what is needed, and how it is to be acomplished. May you be happy also, and find joy in your children, and in your family.

Once, A long time ago, It was suggested that you do things with him - as per Dr Harley's four rules of a successful marriage. I recommend you look at that again. Nothing will help him so much as your wanting to be with him and spend time with him. Well, I take that back. God can still preform miracles, and he just might here, but these other things could help him a great deal.

As far as my kids, they know none of this and I'm doing my best to keep it that way. My ds is going to his first sleepover on Saturday and he's very excited about that.
How did the sleepover go? The first one is a big deal.

DD goes to a friends birthday party that day. I am a volunteer for their computer labs every Thursday, so I'm glad to be able to see them in that environment and meet their friends. Really, I've tried my best to exclude them from the reality of all of this.

Your life - outside of your H and his problems is rich and full. It really can be all you hope it will be. We pray for God's help, that it may become that better life for you.

We were away in the mountains for the weekend. Dec was a busy month, and I promised the twins I would spend time with them this last weekend and try to make up for it. We had fun sledding, reading, and playing games. A family is a wonderful thing, a great blessing. Perhaps the greatest blessing we will ever know.

God bless yours with all that you need.

SS

I see your comments on your other thread. You are very kind to say those nice things.

It is a pleasure to offer help. Please don't be hard on YOUR SELF. All of us need help at one time or another. In one way or another.

Smile, and realize it just may be your turn. Remember that God loves you. It's true, and it helps.


SS

Just an update. H has been out of rehab for about a month. I'm pretty sure he's clean. He's been back to his psych doc. several times and is on several meds for BPD. He went to IC 1x with me and says he's not going to go back because he didn't get much out of it and doesn't care for IC. An original counselor that I really liked and we'd seen a year ago won't take him as a patient because she just wants me to get out and not mess with him anymore (she is a christian counselor). He is back to work and life is supposedly back to "normal".

The problem is, normal consists of him sleeping 10-14 hours a day. Going to work, watching tv and playing cards. It is 8 am where I am and he got off work last night around 1:30 am, went to a card game until 8. This means that he will sleep most of the day while I take our kids out sledding. When he gets up today he may run a couple of errands, but will then reside in his chair in front of the tv. He will not seek out the kids to play with them, but if they come to them he will move over and let them lay with him and watch tv all day. He is a good dad and loves them, but most of the time won't take initiative to do quality things with them. Throw the ball, read, sledding, ect. He did take them bowling last weekend though, which I was very suprised at (I had meetings). I did urge him to do something other than lay around with them all day.

He is somewhat nicer to me, but has his spiteful days as well. He doesn't seem very grateful to me for sticking by him through rehab, doctors, psychiatrists, appts ect, although he says he is. He says he loves me, does not want a D or to lose his family, yet he does nothing to actively participate in our lives or prevent a D. We have talked at great length about what a M needs, but as far as actually doing it - he doesn't. (ex. quit sleeping so much, get up and care that our walk needs shoveled, taxes need done etc. - he agrees with me on those issues, but won't actually do them. It's all talk).

He is on several meds for depression, but I am certain that ALOT of this is just pure laziness and the way that he was raised. He is a very lazy person by nature. He also takes no responsibility for anything in this house. Everything, from taxes to snow removal to softner salt to laundry to sweeping the floor lies on me. I keep thinking he'll "wake up" or "snap out of it" and join me in this life, but he is not. He will do things (movies, shopping, out to eat or whatever) if I initiate and plan things, but frankly I'm SICK of taking the lead. For once, I want to be taken care of, not doing the caregiving. I am pretty certain that I will always be the caregiver in this M though.

So what lies next. I am not sure. I guess I am sure, but I need to find the strength to do so. I have wasted 2 years of my life in misery trying to get H clean, get to the truth about drugs, get help for his drug use, diagnose a mental illness etc. Now that most of that is done, I thought I would be on the other side of the rainbow, in the light at the end of the tunnel enjoying a life that I"ve worked so hard for. Now how do I find the strength to dissolve something that I've devoted myself to so extensively, believed in, hoped for. Frankly, I want to LIVE this life, ENJOY this life and quit worrying, analyzing and trying to fix it. The problem is, he doesn't just have a few "quirks" that can be overlooked, he needs a major overhall.

Any input/insight is appreciated. Thanks

You don't need to have anyone's permission to D.

However.....

It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself.

It does sound like he needs a major overhaul.

Perhaps he should be put the position where the overhaul, or loosing all of you are his only choices.

I can hear the fatigue in your voice.

How are you, and how is life otherwise. (And yes, I realize this colors everything else, but you know what I mean.)

SS