V,

Good questions and observations. Here's mine.

Love is a misused word when it takes a person out of their family into an A.

There is no love, only a lot of uncontrolled emotions. Not a pretty picture, eh? Well it ain't pretty. The A is ugly, selfish and destructive. Nothing pretty or loving about those words. Add stinky to the list too!

So the BS is left wondering.....did the spouse STOP loving me? The question s/b more like WHAT allowed my spouse to become ugly, selfish and destructive. Take the word love out of the mix and the answers get t/b more clear.

What I have found is, the WS leaves the family for selfish & destructive reasons because:

1. They no longer want to show care to their family.
2. They want what they can't have or don't have.
3. They want to hurt the ones who really have true love for them.
4. They are no longer the H or W, they are the WS.
5. The OP isn't all that great....most times the OP is uglier and obviously has less of a reputable character.
6. It isn't about $$$ or no $$$ or status or abusive background or drugs or alochol or bad job or bad relatives or criminal background or a new house or children or no children or early marriage or late marriage, etc. It could appear t/b but it is not a constant factor. That is what makes it hard for the BS to figure out.

There is more but I haven't had my morning coffee yet so my list will stop here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love affair is not a proper description. Illicit affair, selfish affair or illegal affair is more appropriate.

Helps put things in a better perspective when the BS realizes while they BS s/b making personal improvements (plans A & B - as needed), that the BS doesn't have to feel guilty trying to defend the BS and family from the crap the WS attempts to throw at the family.

So my recommendation is to:

1. Create a great support group (include your children). C/b neighbors, relatives, workmates, family, IC/MC, doctor, dentist, lawyer, minister,pets..... anything or anyone that can help you. Don't have to tell all to all. Just ask for their support, listen to their advice and ask that they respect your decision.

2. Secure your finances.

3. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

4. Read His needs/Her needs, Surviving an Affair (both are by Harley)..... and if necessary - Love must be tough (Dobson). Take the emotional needs questionnaire from the books or in the concepts section above.

5. Make your self improvements. (aka: Plan A).

6. Identify your personal boundaries, then id the boundaries for your M. Implement them.

7. Allow time for your mind and heart to get in sync.

Then watch out world...... it w/b ok to LB because you w/b LBing for a reason. LOL!!! Ok....what I mean is it won't be love busting......as much as it w/b reverse babbling. That reverse babbling allows the BS to give the WS their guilt back and whatever crap comes out of the mouth of the WS, the BS will shoot it right back. The quicker the better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.