wiffty, you're right that I'm relying on a man's words. If a man says to me I'm only looking for a fun night out & I if don't know him what else do I have to rely on?

If I go out with this man & his actions say otherwise than he doesn't know what he wants or has decided I'm worth some investment of time whether he was looking for a relationship or not.

My point is I'm unlikely to go out with a man who has stated he's not interested in a relationship. It seems a waste of time for me to pursue a man who says he's not interested or doesn't have time for a relationship & it's somewhat disrespectful of me to pursue him.

It's like a salesman who's been told no yet keeps on trying to sell you something. Perhaps he's had some sucess with the unwilling by badgering & forcing. I don't want to badger & force.

If I knew a man IRL who said all he wants to do is date yet his actions say otherwise I might pursue him if I had an interest. If I've never met him all I have is his words. Could be we both lose out.

Now, you & your GF...something about this arrangment must suit you both. You must have some kind of commitment, there's something keeping you together. Maybe it's the level of intimacy you both find comfortable. Not a spouse but perhaps a relationship built on attraction, companionship, desire to spend what time you're willing to give each other. You know, something between a spouse & a casual date. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

why can't looking for a fun night out turn into a really fun night out such that you want to do it again?

i still say you are limiting yourself, and thereby keeping yourself limited to opportunities. . .

good luck

wiftty

I know we've beat this to death, but it still amuses me...

Sure, spouse hunting, in the sense of "trying to marry the first person you meet after a divorce" is a dubious undertaking.

But, I have to laugh when I see this term used by wiftty to describe people like myself, Lexxxy, or nams, who have been divorced for years, have casually dated dozens of people, and, IMHO, have become quite aware of their needs and wants in a partner. It is silly to say that our desire to avoid dating people whom we do not deem to be "spouse-worthy" to be a case of "spouse hunting". Baloney. All we are doing, having done the casual dating, is weeding out the people we do not want to date from those we do want to date. I don't see anything wrong with that, if that is what people want to do.

Wiftty preaches of the benefits of casual dating and not "spouse hunting", yet he and his GF hooked up right after their divorces and have been together ever since. What happened to "casual dating"? Why jump right into a longterm relationship? You are doing nothing different than what we "spouse hunters" are being accused of - being in a relationship that works, as long as it works; except you didn't do the casual dating that we have <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, nams, I wouldn't worry about this "spouse hunting" label. You have done the casual dating, you know what you want, no sense investing your time in those you deem to be not relationship material - you know what you want and need, trust your judgement.

AGG

Now this is interesting....

We're talking about eliminating someone from our dating pool based on a defined criteria.

Isn't that the same thing we were talking about when we spoke about "chemistry"?

nams, if you were willingt o give a guy a few casual dates to see if you and he had chemistry, why wouldn't you give him a few casual dates to see if it could become a relationship?

I'll try to be clear but I think there's no satisfying wiffty regarding "spouse hunting". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, AGG we have beat this issue to death. From what I can tell if one is seeking a relationship one is spouse hunting according to wiffty.

Wiffty is claiming my desire to date men who say they desire a relationship VS casual dating means I am discounting people who may turn out to actually want a relationship but just didn't say that or perhaps didn't realize it. OK, with that I agree. I would be taking men at their word that they didn't want a relationship & not dating them hoping they may change their mind. Wasted time & disrepectful IMHO.

Low, I'm not saying I won't date casually because I do think that's the way I will eventually meet a man who has an interest in a relationship. I'm not expecting a relationship out of a date or three. My feeling is this: If a man has stated clearly he ONLY wants to date casually & has no intention of getting into a relationship I would be better off looking else where. It would be a waste of my time & disrespectful to him to try to force a relationship when he was very clear about not wanting one.

If a man is interesting & we want to go out together I will. This would be a casual date. If this man says he never plans to be in another relatioship or will ONLY date casually, which to me means a fun date now & then, I don't think he'd be the one to plan on a relationship with. Could he turn into the love of my life? Maybe. Would it start with a casual date? Yes. But, at some point casual would turn into a relationship.