I believe he made that statement in the context of:

Wishing his wife, would open her eyes and see some light!

'cause if it was anything weird..I ain't drivin'down that road!!!!!

Oops… Sorry Krusht !!!! This is not what I meant.

Thank you 2crazy for clarifying, it.

Quote:

“My guess is...the battle has just begun…”

You are absolutely right, I know you are still in pain but even the pain will feel good
Now, you did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself,
I think everybody here is proud of you.

Sorry again Krusht.

2crazy keep updating please.

Tony.

ROFL...sorry...just am...

Krusht...Tony's English is his third language...and it's funny to me is I got what he meant...without going down that road...

However...I LOVE 2C's response...so worth the slip, uh, trip.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

2C,

"Hopefully, she will begin posting (it is therapuetic)..once you begin to type it..say it..read it...you begin to believe it...and know it..nd change it...."

This is one of the most awesomely stated truths about posting...thank you!

LA

Morning all!

Wondering if any of you would be able to offer some "what to watch fors" as we begin our recovery. I continue to read many of the threads from BSs, so I can try to better understand what he is going through...I know to expect, out of control emotions... up one minute, down the next. Feelings of yes I can make this work..and God! I want out now!

How can I, guide my BH through this emotional storm? What can I do to support without becoming a doormat? How can I encourage him to talk about the million thoughts that are going through his mind, at any given moment? And the BIGGEST ONE OF ALL!...How do I begin to earn back trust, without becoming suffocated? (that will be the hardest one for me.. as that was one of the major problems in our marraige before!)

I am trying to reassure him, that things will be okay (although I know, that right now, it is falling on deaf ears)...I tell him that I chose to stay and work on the marriage. That I chose HIM!...that I am so very thankful and blessed that he has shown me, that his love for me can endure all the hurt I have caused.

I know there are no guarentees , that we will stay together. There is only hope & faith that this will work..that we can work this through...

have you read SAA?

it's a darn good outline of what to expect and a blueprint for recovery....

you can order it from this site's bookstore .... they will deliver it in brown paper ... so your postal worker friends will think you're getting porn

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

I wouldn't emphasize the 'choose him' part too much. For the BS, there was a choice made back when you got married. There weren't supposed to be any others. You will get him mad most likely by bringing it up. Also, right now, just be there, and be very open to him about your coming and goings. Check in with him, just like you were a teenager again. It sucks, but you put yourself there. Be honest about contact. Immediately, if the OM tries to contact you, just say out loud, oh, hang on, let me get who you want to talk to...and hand the phone to your husband. No secret little whispers, just hand him the phone. IF YOU CAN PULL THAT OFF, YOU CAN WIN THIS BATTLE.

Finally, you probably don't want inside his head too much right now. Most of the thoughts aren't too good. Probably alot of stuff in there right now that you just don't even want to know he is thinking about. Right now, just take his actions. He is there, and he is trying. Are you really worried about him giving you too much love? Suffocating you? Man. I think something is still screwy there in your head. I always sat here thinking that is what all wives wanted, for there husbands to not know anyone else existed in the world but themselves! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> That is only half a wink, I'm part serious there.

-hang in there

2crazy, like you noted, he will not trust you. And he shouldn't. You will have to earn back his trust. One of the best ways you can do that is to open up your life to him. Be COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT. Give him all cell phone, voicemail and computer passwords. Account for all of your time to him by staying in touch with him throughout the day. Call him at the times you were calling the OM. It will take a lot of hard work on your part, but trust can be restored.

Secondly, I would send him here to us and let us guide him through that emotional storm. We have been through this and are equipped to support him.

Has he made a clear decision to stay in the marriage, 2crazy?

RookKev is right about this. Please don't say this to your BS; it will not reassure him, but pi** him off. It is not reassuring at all, but galling.

I agree with Mel about being completely transparent. I would also add a couple other points. IMHO, it doesn't take hours each day for a few weeks to earn trust back. It takes a few minutes each day over many weeks.

The second thing I would advise is to try and take your emotion out of it. There are many things, routines, a person does during a normal day, week, month and year to keep themselves and their family healthy. Brushing your teeth, annual physicals, working out, etc. I don't think people get to emotional about these routines. Make revealing yourself part of a normal routine you do for your health.

Third, if you can, be proactive about it. What I mean is, yes give him passwords, cell phone access, etc. But don't make him watch you. That feels suffocating. Instead do things like once a month, print your cell phone bill out and give it to him and ask him if he wants to go through it together.

Finally, be sensitive to what the BS is feeling about trust. Try to empathize. It really doesn't matter what you actually did in the past to hide your A, the BS suspects everything for a while. There will be things he views as suspicious that you are going to think that is just plain crazy. When he does, try to understand it from his POV. But even if you can't stay calm, don't argue about it and just ask what would he like you to do different.

Just some tips.

I think you are doing very well. Keep it up.

213..,may I call you 213?

""Oops… Sorry Krusht !!!! This is not what I meant.""

No worries! I can over react sometimes.

From another SoCal booyeeee.

2C,

""What can I do to support without becoming a doormat?""

OK, a little red flag right there!

I have been bringing up MC (marriage counseling) with a PRO-marriage counseler on almost every post on this thread.

Would you both consider going? The MC, if competent, would be helpful in getting you both to talk about things.

IMHO

krk

HI 2crazy
how are you today?
any news?

Tony.

Afternoon!...

We are trudging along..He has so many quesitons that he wishes he knew the answer to without having to "hear" the answer. So I let him set the pace for the day, and I am learning to listen, not answer right away..just let him "talk" to get it out of his head. If he wants an answer he will ask the question again...then I will answer. Trying to be more sensitive and aware of what I am saying, giving the truth without blurting..hurtful words...

We are taking life in little steps..one emotion..one thought,at a time...it is a start...it is the beginning of re-building

A great weekend to all...hang in there...keep working towards your goals!

[color:"red"]EGG ZAK LEE [/color]

pace yourself

Pep

PS

if recovery is NOT excruciatingly painful at times

you probably are not doing something right!

hang in there

Thanks Pep!

Yes most days are painful...but then there are those GREAT moments..that make me say..."God! I was so foolish not to have seen this man in front of me!"

How I wish we could have gotten to this point..of talking..of honesty..of caring about each other... without the A!...

I know that we will have rough waters ahead for sometime...and at some point he may say "He can't do it"..but I will be thankful for the many GREAT moments we are sharing now..and no matter what happens we have become closer..that can never hurt!

Evening 2crazy.

Consider the A as chemo for an ill marriage; you cannot heal without the pain.

Just my 2c.

Don’t regret anything, you will be just fine, keep your head up you are on the right track.

Tony.

2Crazy,

This is my first time reading your thread. I saw that you had posted to me on the Pep thread, so I wanted to see what was going on with your sitch.

All I can say is... wow!! Good for you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You are doing so well. You have also gotten a lot of wonderful advice here, so I don't have much to add. But I will continue to read and post if I can be of any help.

((2C))

Katie Mae

Hi 2crazy I hope you are doing ok please update.

I thought I tell you first My wife snaped out of it,
in a good way we are begining recovery, had a great sunday
I will post the full storry on my thread.

how are your days?

Hey Tony,

My days are slow...but we get through. We discover little things about each other everyday that we had forgotten (well maybe ignored)...

I work at telling "HIM" my thoughts...and how my day went...instead of writing or calling the OM (well FOM NOW!) 32 days of NC!!!

It is like any other addictive behavior. You have to CHANGE your daily habits!....does he still creep into my head...absolutely, just not as often, and generally in a different "light" these days.

I know my H has many unanswered questions, and he is beginning to want some answers, to some tough questions. I know that the truth is what he seeks. I know from reading that he needs to know certain details, so as not to think or imagine the worst scenarios...but it is still tough!...

So I appreciate the good days...savor the great moments..and endure the bad ones!..There is proof that there is life on the other side of the tunnel!..Just ask some of the veteran MB'ers here!

So I keep the faith...and continue to do whtever is necessary to regain that place in his heart & soul...where the thought of me does not bring pain....