It seems as though your H would be the main one in danger, if any of you at all. But, I find that even to be highly unlikely since their M has been dead for some time now. It's so hard to say, you never know, but it just doesn't seem to jive.

{{{{Random}}}} I feel for you, you've had a rough time here lately. Your H is being a jerk by telling you to get a grip. He's known about this for 2 years, you just now found out and are having to process all of this. He better start planning to exercise some patience.

Saturday morning the OWH walked to our driveway and threw what looked to clothing or lingere onto our property. The OW came over to retrieve everything. I haven't seen him at the house since. They are supposed to be out this weekend.

I also found out that most of their A took place in the back seat of my husbands truck. He also said he took her to the Days Inn three times. The only times they were together was in the afternoons do to childrens schedules. 8:30 am to 3:15 pm on mostly Tuesdays. All the phone records show that pattern to be true.

I would really like to call the OWH, but I just don't know if he is really dangerous. I don't know what to believe anymore. Should I call him or should I just let this go?

Hi R,

I am very sorry. You're dday was last Friday, pat yourself on the back for being able to type complete sentences.

I'd not call OWH. Exposure has occured, sounds like they are headed for D. I'm sure you offered to speak with him if he had any questions, yes? Did he ask you to call if you got any new info? If not, I'd not bother. You have enough of your plate.

How are you doing? Make yourself eat something healthy every day and drink some water, OK. The crying is very dehydrating.

On the recorder, depends on your goal. If you are trying to reconsile you should use any tools you can to verify NC. It's not a long-term strategy, but in the short-run OK. If you are D'ing, then there's really no point.

Please take care - Dru

The OW has been moving out of her house all weekend. Her H has been no where in sight since last Saturdays episode. Her children have also not been home. They should be completely gone by Thursday.

My husband shows no feelings toward this woman. Since it has been going on for 3+ years I find that hard to believe. He won't talk to me about it and says he wants her gone forever and never wants to see or talk to her again because of all the H**l we have been going through.
Do you think he is hiding his feelings? And if so, is this healthy?

My feelings are so sad, because this is a woman that I loved and would have done anything for. I am grieving the illusion of her friendship and that must sound crazy.

My husband still can't tell me why the A started or why he chose to violate our marriage vows. I still do not have a time frame of when this started. Does a person actually forget how many times he or she has had intercourse or other sexual relations with another person? And is that a question that I should be asking?

I feel I can't talk to him any more about this as it might be pushing him away, but only he has the pictures of the puzzle that I feel I need to complete.

He has never voluntarily given me any information. I always am the one to bring it up or to ask questions.

He is extremely mad at me for telling his mother. And feels that I have hurt her and their relationship and that I was extremely wrong for doing so. That these matters should be kept privately and be dealt with by ourselves.

Randomm,

I think that it may be completely true that your FWH just wants to be free of OW. It is hard to believe because this is all so new and he hasn't been open with information.

Don't be surprised if over time you find out that he was even coersed into remaining in the affair because OW threatened to expose to you. I think that FWH are ultimately very embarrassed to admit, even to themselves how manipulated they are by the OW in some cases.

Because the A went on for a long time, it may be hard for your FWH to remember the details. In some ways, even tho they have to see and deal with the pain they caused us, they also feel relief that the A is over and that we know, because they then don't have to struggle anymore to end the A. They can use us as an excuse.

My FWH actually felt such relief following d-day that it made me want to kick him in the a$$ for it when I was in such pain.

I think too, that because the A went on for so long that it passed the fantasy stage and ran it's course long ago, so it is possible that your FWH is not missing OW at all and does just want to never see or hear from her again.

My FWH felt that way and I suspect that if and when he ever thinks of OW, what he thinks and feels are 100% negative. I can't imagine him ever trying to contact her, ever.

Hang in there and try to take care of yourself this week. Once she is gone and you don't know where she is, it will be better.

((((((R)))))))

Who

OWH called me today. He seems quite sane and I believe he is not crazy, just deeply hurt and depressed. I found out today that my WH is still lying to me about certain events.

He has even admitted it, but since he's at work he says he can't talk about it.

I feel like telling him to leave the house when he gets home tonight. I am just sick with all the lying. I can't stand it, they have been intimate for over 2 1/2 years and he has slept with both of us on the same days. Now I'm told not only were they together during the day they were also together on a few nights.

OWH believes they have also had sex in my home. Who do I believe?

Do I tell him to leave or do I let him stay?

Whether or not you ask him to leave or stay is ultimately up to you, you know your limits. I can understand why you are so upset, that is a lot of betrayal to digest.

Hopefully some more seasoned MBers will be along to give you advice on this.

Random,

Just a few thoughts for you to mull over. If your FWH were to be completely truthful with you right now, could you keep from losing it? What do you think he feels might just be too much information for you to handle, i.e. is there something he might have done as part of the affair that would cause you to immediately end the marriage and not even try to recover and stay together?

I suspect that your FWH is flat out scared right now. This is no excuse for him giving you information in dribs and drabs. Getting the information that way is like having someone repeatedly twisting a broken arm. I went thru this with my FWH for the first couple of months following d-day. FWH admitted only what I could prove and lied about everything else. At 33 months past d-day, we don’t talk about his A anymore, but because he lied so much in the beginning, I still carry doubts about the extent of his betrayal, and don’t really know when the EA portion truly began.

I think that this, more than anything has kept our marriage from completely recovering. You have more to deal with than I did, certainly. Some conclusions I have reached over time are:

First and Foremost….I was robbed of the opportunity to make an informed decision.

• I still don’t know what I don’t know (really bugs me)
• I do know that I will never know the whole truth
• New information now would equal a new d-day
• I can’t do d-day again

Because of all of the above, I will never have a truly special marriage again.

I am willing to settle for that right now, maybe someday I won’t and I reserve the right to throw in the towel at anytime, for any reason.

I wonder now, if it would be any different if FWH had been completely honest from the start…..I don’t know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Which brings me right back to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I was robbed of the opportunity to make an informed decision.

Only FWH knows the whole truth and I am left with some level of belief (Ill feeling) that the “truth” is so bad that if I had known on d-day….we would not have stayed together. I do realize that the truth is more likely that FWH was so scared that OW would expose their affair to me (She made that threat repeatedly for the last 3 months of their A) that she had him dancing at the end of a string. The bottom line is that he would rather I spend the rest of my life wondering than him being embarrassed about being manipulated so completely. Some trade!

We both live with the fear that someday I will find out the whole truth.

Who

Did you ever speak to the OW about the A?

I have similar concerns about my FWW's version of events. I do believe that she's been "mostly honest", but there are some things that don't add up very well. At one point I was considering talking to the OM and getting his version of events, but never followed it through. I regret that a bit now.

MIM,

Yes I did talk to OW, and guess that I wish I hadn't. But it wasn't really very helpful. Her number one goal was to break up my marriage and I really think that she would have said anything she thought would lead to that.

She appeared to believe that I was somehow keeping my FWH against his will. That was in no way accurate. I couldn't have fought with my FWH to stay. If he had wanted to leave me for OW, I would have simply let him go.

He ended the A before d-day with no influence from me at all. The truth that I would have liked to have gotten from FWH had nothing to do with things like how many times they had SF or what things they did do. Didn't matter to me, I assumed the worst and didn't need to hear it from him.

What I couldn't grasp is that FWH has claimed all along that he told OW from the start that for the most part, his marriage was fine, that he would not leave me, and that he didn't want to live with her, marry her, or raise her kids. As a fairly pragmatic woman, I don't understand why any woman (especially one who claimed to me that she wanted all of those things with my FWH) would become involved with someone who expressed up front that he had none of those intentions.

I am not made of the kind of stuff that would allow me to stay with my husband if I thought he would rather be elsewhere, or even if he was torn between me and someone else.

I guess, my fear is that he really didn't tell her those things and did make her promises and perhaps was even thinking of leaving me for her.

After all this time, it shouldn't still matter to me, but it does.

Facing the truth way back then would sure have been easier than living with the doubt.

Who

WhoMe, Your message breaks my heart. I am truly sorry you still feel so much pain.


That is what I don't want in my marriage. Granted my marriage will never be the same as it once was.

OW's last day across the street was yesterday. They are all moved out. OWH is living 1 hour away and OW is living with another friend in town here. I thought I'd feel a lot better after she moved but unfortunately that's not the case. Especially since most of our neighbors know or suspect.

I have never talked with her about the A, just seeing her breaks my heart. She has never once tried to talk with me, send an email, or put a note in my mailbox. I do not believe she is sorry. I believe she still wants my WH and so does the OWH.

OWH keeps calling me wanting to exchange any new information and gave new information. I feel sorry for him and his kids. I told him that I couldn't help him anymore and that it would probably be best if we didn't talk to each other now that we know most of the story.

WH admitted to other lies about taking her flying a lot more than once in the last 3 1/2 years. What kills me is that he just took two of our children flying two weeks ago and ate at the same cafe that he took the OW too last.

I told him last night that he needed to sell his partnership in the airplanes. That I could never go up with him again in one of them and how it was another insult to take my children to a place he and the OW recently had eatened at.

I also told him that he might need to sell his truck. (Which is really a bummer because it is all torked for our camper which was an expensive addition). WH said I was going too far and I am being completely rediculous. I replied how humiliated I was that he had been banging someone in my seat over the last 3 1/2 years! And how am I supposed to forget that, when I'm sitting in the same exact spot!

I also asked again if they had sex in our home. If they did, I feel he will never ever admit to it. Yes, he's scared too death about me leaving him. I'm to the point that if he doesn't tell me the truth and I find out later, I will leave him. Going thru another D-Day would kill me.

He still says they only had intercourse 3 times during the last 3 1/2 years which I find very hard to believe. He said most was petting in the truck.

God, I'm tired of this whole thing!

Think I'll go out now and buy new lingere for myself. Wonder what he'll think of that!

Randomm,

The early times after d-day are by far the toughest. Also, I felt that somewhere around the 1-year to 18 months were rough. That is where I began to realize (I guess I was slow, plus I hadn't found MB yet) that what my FWH did would always be a part of us and that we were forever changed both as individuals and as a couple.

I think that you will feel better knowing that OW doesn't live across the street anymore. It is too bad that she didn't leave town!

That said, I have to tell you that distance between you and OW alone doesn't help you to stop thinking about her relationship with your FWH. In my sitch the OW lived 3000 miles away and it was still difficult putting her out of my mind. But at least I could count on not accidently running into her at the grocery store. I knew that if I saw her, she could only be here for one reason.

There are some folks here who can give you more help with long term affairs (LTA) than I. Although my FWH was "on the prowl" to have an affair for perhaps our entire marriage, his PA lasted 7 or 9 months. The developing EA, perhaps as long as 2 years during which they never saw each other. But I do believe that the feelings OW was developing for my FWH ultimately led her to divorce her H. I pray that he didn't make her empty promises of a future together that he had no plans to deliver on gave her the incentive to divorce.

I am concerned that your FWH just doesn't understand how much damage he is adding to your marriage by trying to continue to deceive you. The longer he continues this, the longer it will take you to ever began to build trust in him again in the future.

I guess if I were you, I would assume the worst. Since my FWH's A was a long distance one where they saw each other maybe 4 - 5 days a month when he traveled on business, I assume that they banged the sh1t out of each other for the duration with short feeding breaks and after he had had enough, only then did he began to feel guilty and relieved to get on the plane and come home. I do know that he refused to take her to dinners with clients and conference social events even though the other attendees had never met me. He made her hang out in the hotel room while he was working. How demeaning is that?

Randomm, maybe you should simply tell your husband that he needs to take a couple of weeks to think things over. During that time, tell him that you don't want to hear anything about the affair. Tell him that at the end of the two weeks, he needs to be prepared to tell you the truth once and for all. Come on, three times in 3 1/2 years, does he think you are an idiot. Would he believe you if you were telling him this and the situation was reversed. I think not.

You take care of yourself right now. It does get easier with time. For me the end result, or at least the results so far have been somewhat disappointing, but I am still here and there are good days and good times as well.

Who