Papaof3

I felt your pain in your response to my thread so I checked out your thread.

I'm sorry that it has come to this point.

As a SAHM for 14 years and being the obvious primary "caregiver" while my WS was the primary "breadwinner" seemed like a fair trade. Now the state laws would mandate a certain percentage of income for CS and "maintenance." Still in the long run my WS will have the majority of his earnings and long term have a much greater earning potential. Besides I am a Woman.

Seventy cents on the dollar. cough...

What was my tradeoff...why did I do it...for the children...I sacraficed the money for the love and time spent with my children. If someone offered me more money to share the children more I'd say no. I know if I went to court they would favor me. My WS is struggling with the fear of what his future relationship might be like with his children.

Your situation is so different....and it is never fair. So you have to ask what is best for the children....in the long run I believe making your decisions based mostly on that factor will make you feel best overall.

I think Newly is giving you good advice...this will require a lot of planning and effort on your part to care for the kids 50% of the time...just really know what you would be signing up for is all. That's all.

You don't have to enter into all the nasty banter with your X...rise above it...like that "I don't want to see you" and "I don't care what you do..."

I would strongly suggest not giving up hope on a mediator yet. I would inform her she could choose the mediator and that she doesn't need to agree to anything she doesn't want to. She gives nothing away without her consent. She has all the power.

Chances are she may even be more willing to negotiate with you a more flexible and understanding co-parent schedule if you're demonstrating a commitment to and willingness to reach an agreement that considers her in a peaceful and respectful manner.

I would inform her that a mediator doesn't make decisions for you or her and is impartial. You and her have all the power instead of a court. Once you both can respectfully communicate with one another (which is taking several visits for my WS and I to get to that point) Then the both of you could brainstorm all kinds of ideas and options for coparenting.

Personally I hope my WS intends to connect with our children a minimum once daily. Email, Goodmorning call, Goodnight call...whatever. I know if I was in his shoes I would want to start a tradition. Perhaps I'd call every night I wasn't with them and say the Lord's Prayer with them. Which is something I will do with my boys when they're with him possibly...if that will be ok with him.

You get more bees with honey.

It is so hard, so tempting to think of going right to a lawyer for the quick fix. I'm really learning the art of mediation. And there is no quick fix. I believe whatever a court decided...after a lot more frustration and money spent...neither of you would be satisfied with their decision. Keep the power over your children for yourselves.

I mean no disrespect and my thoughts are offered with a hope for more peace in your life.

Strongest

I know you don't mean disrespect and none is taken.

Honestly, I feel I'm very different from most men. If my wife was the primary bread winner, I'd be happy to be a stay at home dad. I've taken care of these kids VERY often because she's been laid out with some phantom illness or depression. It often fell on me to take care of two newborn twin babies and go to work on top of that.

I go out with my kids right now and people always make comments about, "wow, you have your hands full!" I hear it all the time when I'm with them.

My ex doesn't go out with them on her own. She leaves them with the nanny and goes and does he thing.

Here's the problem. I WANT to go to a mediator and work out a fair solution for the two of us. I WANT to call my kids every day, but my ex doesn't answer the phone now that I'm forced to call her cell phone. I call my daughter every single morning and every night before she goes to bed.

Yes, now that I'm being forced to be separated from her, I will call her before she goes to bed and pray with he every night like we used to. My ex has even taken that away, simply because it was something that I believed in and she doesn't, yet it was a nightly ritual for my daughter.

She has gone so far as to say that I have made our daughter believe she will have bad dreams unless she prays. This stems from the fact that exww told me DD had been having bad dreams. I followed my normal ritual of praying with her and told her that we should pray that she have nice dreams. Since then, she's woken up screaming during the night and saying that she's having bad dreams because she didn't pray. I never wanted her to believe that she needed to pray in order to have good dreams, but this is what my exww has turned it into.

A quick way to solve that is to pray with her when I call. I want my kids to have religion in their lives, and my ex is agnostic and of no religion at all. When we got married she signed a contract that the kids would be raised Catholic and she agreed to this.

Yes, I'm a very different kind of dad. I would give up money, social life, and myself for my kids. I take after my mother in this fashion. She did this for us and I would gladly do it for my kids. My ex feels no guilt at leaving the kids with someone else in order to go out. I'm at peace on a Saturday night when all three are asleep upstairs, it's quiet in the house, and I'm downstairs playing video games and having some quiet time. I love letting my daughter stay up a little late so we can watch a movie together, one we both can enjoy such as Wallace and Grommit. These are the things that bring me happiness. Not clubbing or dating.

I'm 7 years older than her, which is a factor. But family is all I ever wanted and is still all I want. I would take 100% if I could.

I agree with Strongest's comments. I really believe in mediation, and hope that you can get her to the table.

I suggested a custody evaluation, but again, that's a court solution, and mediation is far better. What I think you'll find with an evaluator is that they will look for the more flexible parent and note the inflexible one. So in your case, and eval. could be good.

Now, given all you've said. Would you be willing to take on more time with the kids, outside of the agreement. Meaning, you would still pay CS as if you didn't have them overnight. If money is what she's after, give that to her and take the time overnight with the kids. In the long run, what you'd pay in CS, may be less than the legal fees to get the same time, and would likely be viewed more favorably by your X. Just a thought.

I could care less about the money. I'll pay her whatever.

I want to clarify to everyone on my thread that I would have my children 100% of the time if I could. I would take a lower paying job if I could be near them. Right now I've taken the higher paying job so I can afford the CS and maintain a decent standard of living. I know that she'll fight once a lawyer tells her that she'll get less CS if I have more overnights.

I do believe she will not be flexible. However, I will say this: it could be like a bully that backs down when someone really stands up. I'm finally standing up and I have professionals working for me to help.

So far my legal fees are reasonable and I have hopes it won't get out of hand.

I will ask for a psychological eval if necessary. I will supeona her medical records to show her looooong history of depression, anxiety attacks and phantom illnesses. It will also show that she stopped taking her medication at the same time she flipped out and started acting crazy. I also strongly believe that a psychologist could easily look at her website and see someone that is very insecure and needs the constant attention from men to feel validated, which ties to her sexual abuse when she was younger.

My biggest fear is that she'll find an abuser and bring him around the kids. Dating will be hard enough for her considering she has three kids in the picture and I know many men out there aren't thrilled with that idea.

Ultimately, this is all a great tragedy. I never wanted any of this. I came home from the war committed to being a better father and better husband. I wanted to love her like we were newlyweds again and spend more quality time with my kids. These are things that hit you when you realize your job is very dangerous and you could die any day.

Instead while I'm gone, she decides to go out with 4 guys from the internet that she doesn't know and have oral sex with one of them. She then decides to leave a man willing to forgive what she's done and try his darndest to save his marriage. Three kids have been robbed of their father's presence in their lives.

That's the hardest thing to come to grips with. Do I forgive all she's done up to this point once she falls on her face, or do I just let her go and find someone who will value me? My dilema is the kids. I know what kind of father they will have if I forgive in order to reconcile. I hate to think what she'll bring home if I don't forgive.

Then again, what kind of marriage would I have once the trust has been completely shattered and so much damage has been done. You see, it isn't just the divorce. I gave up a career as a pilot. It is all I ever wanted to do in my life. But I gave it up for her. Now as I go into work every day and sit in a cubicle, I'm starting to wonder about my decision. It would be different if I still had my family to come home to after work, but I come home to an empty house instead.

All thoughts and ideas out there are welcome and I really enjoy hearing from people.

Had more calls ignored today. I left messages asking to have a number I could reach the kids during the daytime with. I saw it was getting close to bed time for my daughter and still hadn't gotten a call.

I called the police to find out if they could enforce a court order. Unfortunatly in MD they can't arrest someone for ignoring court orders. The cop told me I was very smart to not go over there. We talked for two hours and he shared with me his own experience and offered advice for the future. Said that on duty officers make great witnesses if ex is ignoring court orders for visitation and would be glad to go with me if I wanted a witness.

He said a lot of positive things and told me that a court would look favorably on much that I've done recently and the fact that I willingly left the military and moved here in order to be near the kids.

I was apprehensive about asking an officer to come here and merely wanted to talk to someone on the phone, but they sent someone and he was a really nice guy and listened and offered very constructive advice.

It's not something I'm going to get into the habit of doing, but I'm also willing to do so if she continues to ignore me and not follow our agreement.

I am finally taking solid steps to file in this county and take her to court for contempt. I'm done trying to be nice in order for her to come back. Not anymore.

Finally got the call. Prayed with my daughter on the phone. Our prayer is always the same. "Dear God, thank you for Mommy, for daddy, for my brothers, for (nanny), my grandparents, my house, my food. Amen."

Will do this on the phone from now on since I can't do it in person except for the weekends.

Patience. Keeping my cool and documenting and being calculating is what I need to do in order get my kids.

Don't expect her to change, change your expectations of her.
My X won't communicate or give me his phone number. He screens the cell number I have.
The cops gave great advice early on. They see way too much of domestic issues, and I don't mean violence. Sadly, it's good to have them as acquaintances. They were extremely helpful when an issue came up, and provided info. I never could have gotten.

Can you at least talk to her about "right of first refusal", that is, in cases where she would normally use a sitter/her parents to watch the kids, that she ask you first? You would watch them for free of course and you would not be asking for any change in child support.

Also, when you were in the Air Force, how much time were you home and how much on deployment? Not that I am knocking your commitment, but if you were gone most of the time and suddenly now you are all interested in the kids, I could see where she would not be so trusting. I don't think you understand how your absences affected her. No matter how patriotic and good intentioned you are, being away from your spouse hurts the marriage.

I wasn't gone that often. I was stationed in England first. In the 3 years I was there I must have been gone a total of 4 months. That's over 3 years and includes the kickoff to the Iraq war.

At my new base I wasn't gone at all until December. I left for 60 days. That was it. In 60 days she went from a loving woman that would write me and sent me Christmas pictures, to a WS. Not just a WS, but one that cheated on me with 4 different guys, that I know of. By cheat, I'm using the definition loosely. She had a minimum of 4 dates that I know of that mostly consisted of a meal. I do know, however, that one of those dates ended back in a guys apartment and they had oral sex but no intercourse.

60 days, that's it. Prior to that, I was always a VERY involved father. I have A LOT of video of me with the kids through the years. I even went so far as to video tape myself reading to my daughter. I did this for our family back in the States when we were in England. I never knew I would be able to use it to show how involved a father I was.

Never pictured I would be divorced and getting ready to slug it out with ex in court.

Had the kids this weekend. I bought a camera and started video taping them a lot. I really enjoy doing that and putting together videos for family. It can also help me in the fact that I can show that the kids are happy with me at my place and have a good time when I have them over.

I invite their mom to join us to feed the ducks near my house, but she always says no.

Hard to not let anger overcome you and start LBs. I'm doing it for the kids, though. If it wasn't for them I would have written every single person on her site to tell them what she's really like and how she cheated on me while I was deployed.

Of course, doing so would accomplish nothing except poison the relationship that is already pretty broken. Just have to let events take their course.

My lawyer told me Friday that my ex is in contempt on several issues in our divorce agreement. My ex, I found out, is bluffing a great deal with me. She said she was going to a professional to draft a visitation agreement and that is what we would go by. I sent her the contact information for my lawyer and she freaked. Said she was going to go cash the check I gave her for child support back in June. She is supposed to wait till I get paid by my job to do that because I have no money in the bank right now. Said that if I had enough money to hire a lawyer that I could pay child support. She doesn't know that I put the lawyer's retainer on my Visa.

I told her not to bother since I put a stop payment on that check.

The lawyer tells me there is no child support in our divorce. Says I don't have to give ex a dime. I do anyways because it's for my kids and the lawyer says it will only help me to do so if we go to court.

God, I didn't want any of this. We should be raising our kids together and not arguing over stupid stuff like if I get to see them on their birthday. We should be planning their birthday festivities together.

The drama continues.

Papaof3, I understand your pain.

As another reply mentioned, you have a singular purpose now. It's normal to strongly criticize your ex, but it won't help at all during a custody battle.

Take note of your positive qualities and create a parenting plan for yourself. How will you care for your children? Layout a daily schedule showing your work hours, their school hours, and other activities. Know their friends' names, acquaint yourself with their parents, know your children's favorite colors, favorite foods, clothing sizes, favorite tv shows, hobbies, grades, weaknesses, strengths, teachers, etc. i.e. know as much as if you had raised them during your time in the AF.

Don't speak about your ex-wife's negative qualities, just emphasize your positive ones. In a custody battle, you have to show your capabilities rather than her faults. So far it seems that you don't approve of her lifestyle, but it won't matter unless it's very wild. Also, show fairness towards your ex-wife. Despite her lifestyle, she is still the children's mother, and the court wants to see you respect that bond.

Next, be prepared to fight for your children for a long time. The legal system moves slowly, and she has no reason to change her current situation.

Don't get into long debates about what is reasonable with her. She's irrational and only wants to hurt you. Swallow it and focus on the legal procedures.

While doing all of this, ensure that you do well in your job. A long divorce and custody battle becomes an economic battle. The winner might be the one who can afford to fight the longest.

good luck...