hi this is j...just thought i'd say that i really don't appreciate you making this about me s...my previous relationships, and what i do or don't do in the bedroom are irrelevant...you cheated...you lied...i will not take responsibility for any of this...these were your choices regardless of what i do or do not do...any photos or whatever i have done for you have been for you...no one else and certainly not to be chatting about on-line... this isn't a smear contest, is it?...i thought you sincerely wanted help...maybe my eyes are WIDE open now...keep it up...


This is the post that she told me she almost posted, I figured it needed to be here so I posted it...

I want to address this J. First off I am not making this about you. I know what I have done, I have taken full responsibility for my actions and willing to make amends. I love you with all my heart and always will. Yes, I full well know what I did and how it hurt you. I know what I did was very hurtful and dishonest but you will take no responsibility for hurting me? For betraying my trust? How responsible is that? You see no fault at all from past things that has been brought to your attention? If that is the way it is and the way it will be then I see a long row to hoe for both of us... You will always be the victim and I will always be the betrayer in your eyes... Why is it that you can't take your part of the responsibility for your role in this? I mean before 6 months ago before I ever done any of this.... These words that I write aren't meant to be hurtful or taking the blame off me. I am just expressing my feelings and my thoughts... I do love you with all of me...

WBF,

Show me ownership...your highest honesty level...what were you trying to show in your previous posts about j...

You can tell this is crucial.

If you are here for you...all of you...because SA isn't about sex...then you have to know and own your motivations, assumptions, intent, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, perspectives.

Instead of being defensive, for your honesty, you say, "I feel defensive. I feel, right now, very judged, attacked, and angry."

Like the reverse of great fiction, TELL don't SHOW.

Justification comes from resentment...it comes from viewing life as territory, fairness, balance...earning love and punishment; which supports being defective, wrong or bad...

Unravel this and you will live in freedom...

Some signals adult humans give themselves:

When you want to say, "always, never, everything, nothing" these signal we're in our child mode...full of fear...adult perspective is not in use...these are absolutes...extremes...as adults, we know from our experience, we live mostly inbetween these absolutes...with sometimes, mostly, not always...

Reading up on LBs...especially Disrespectful Judgments (DJs) would greatly benefit your life...for you...they are when we assume or mindread others...tell them what they're thinking, when in reality, what they say is coming from them, about them...right then, not always, not never...and defining others is abusive...because part of God's design is we only control ourselves, hence, define ourselves...to define others is to step on another's domain...

We do a lot of DJs, absolutes, because they have a payoff...a really old payoff...find what it is in you, post about it...

Better communication with ourselves and others is the key to growth and change.

Focus on you, on yourself...that's where your control is...listen and repeat what j says...respectfully, separately, as the information it is...

You can do this...and please consider keeping to your own threads...use this forum for you, your changes...she has hers, you have yours...your choices remain your own, inviolate; as do hers.

We're here to help you to choose wisely and know you are not defective, wrong or bad...nor is j.

LA