Hello,

I am new here, and I could use some advise. My wife has protected the OM's identity for the last month since I found out about him. She moved out six months ago, and she doesn't believe that she is having an affair at all. But she is still married, has not filed for divorce, and she is sleeping with another man. And I know what it feels like to me when I have been trying to reconcile for all of these last six months. I feel that there is no chance at reconciliation with this man in the picture, but I am not sure how far to go to get rid of him.

I finally figured out who he is, where he lives, and his phone #. Should I call this man and talk to him? Should I ask him kindly to get out of her life so she can deal with me and either resolve our problems or end the marriage respectfully? I just have so many reservations. If I contact him, and he tells her, she will almost certainly come at me with guns blazing. It would almost certainly ensure the divorce. But if I don't try, will I just be letting her slip out of my grasp without a fight?

I have been trying to trust in god to see me through this situation, I have been praying like crazy to help me understand what I need to do. Every time I open my mouth is seems to just backfire on me. I just feel that if this guy cares at all for my wife, and not just himself, he would let her deal with our marriage without interuption. I do not believe that he does care about her though. I fear that she is going to get hurt really bad by this relationship, and I don't want to drive her deeper into it.

has anyone here contacted the OM? what were the results? really could use some help.

thanks,
Q

Is he married? What proof do you have? Are you in any type of IC or MC? Have you read any info from here? If not, please read the basic concepts above, read the following books:

Surviving an affair - Harley
His Needs/Her Needs - Harley
Love must be Tough - Dobson

These books will help you get a plan together. Also recommend you call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. She will help you set a recovery plan for you 1st.

Read and learn how to expose.

I do not recommend confrontation with the OM. Do it with you have undeniable proof and with support. Do not do such on your own. The OM could turn the tables on you and you could land in jail. Be smart. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Find other ways to destroy the A.

L.

My personal favorite is to wait and contact the OP only if/when entering Plan B. Then send them a copy of the letter with a short, dignified note stating that you still love your spouse, and have every intention of reconciling with them WHEN (not if) the affair ends. This may not be everyone's cup of tea, but was very effective for me.

In general, OP contact other than that is just a waste of time.

Correct me if I'm wrong, folks, but I think the only time an OP should be contacted prior to Plan B (if even then) is if there is a good chance they may not know the WS is married. Then they should simply be informed of that, and no more.

I want to add my own warning to Orchid's....I don't recommend confronting an OP....for those who won't heed that warning...PLEASE take a witness with you!! I've seen confrontation with a <single> OP (when there's no spouse to expose to) occassionally have some effect, but a letter is much safer than a face to face meeting...and should contain no threats or anything that could be construed as "harrassment".

If he's married (find out, even if he's separated)....you expose to his spouse...NOT HIM. If they work together....that could be an avenue you could explore for exposure.

I'm so sorry you're here (((((((((((Quince)))))))))))) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the advice so far,

what proof do I need? of the affair. She admits to the relationship. Do I have the right guy? Got her phone bill and it's the only person she has called about 2000 times. She has agreed to go to counceling, we have gone once, she has gone once, and we go together tuesday. I have already been following a plan A without knowing it. But, I fear trying a plan B thing may be hard to implement since we own a business together, and I watch our son while she is at work. From what she tells me he is divorced, and while he knows she is still married, his family doesn't know that I am trying to reconcile, I bet they don't even know she's not divorced. She has already involved our son in this affair, trying to take him there so he will get to know this man's family and such. It is really making me sick, and I am filled with a need to protect my son from this. It's hard to fight my urges in this. I took my son today, so she wouldn't take him there to be seduced by these people. I don't want to contact this man, but I really don't know how to stop this relationship. I am praying like mad. I have felt gods help in my own dealings with the pain and heartache of this affair, and I am trying to have faith in him to see us through. I just can't stop obsessing about this guy.

Do a background check on the guy. If you can find something to can work with, then file an RO or ask for legal advice to protect your son. Check into legal separation agreement to make sure he can't be around your son.

Don't confront yet. It is your W that is dangerous in her judgement. Her taking her around anyone you don't feel is safe for your son is what is of danger to him.

Don't do anything rash. Get advice and support from the proper source.

L.

Quince,

I'm in a similar situation now, have been agonizing about whether or not to send a letter to the OW. After getting some thought-provoking advice on this board, I've decided not to confront her myself, but to let my H send his NC letter (which I have read and approved).

Since your wife apparently isn't remorseful or wanting to work on the marriage with any real effort (unlike my H) you're in a different spot. I bet she denied, denied, denied until you hit her with all the proof you had, and then there were no doubt some hilariously unbelievable excuses or twisted justifications handed back to you.

This is a terrible painful place to be (I know) and yes there are days when I still obsess about the OW and of going to her doorstep and doing something that might get me arrested. I think this is normal, a processing process where our brain tries to mitigate our heart's hurt so that we can function reasonably normally. These sorts of fantasies are a safety valve, in my opinion. It's when you begin to plan these things in reality that professional intervention may be needed. Talk to your counselor about these thoughts and obsessions, they may have some helpful advice about how to turn off the hamster wheel in your head.

I don't think you can blame the OM's family because they have probably been told an entirely different story by your wife (that you are abusive or neglectful of her or your son, perhaps) so realize their actions may be colored by lies. You're probably right that they don't even know she's not divorced.

Nobody can stop this relationship but your wife, in fact your confrontation of the OM may push them closer together in an attempt to shield one another from your rightful wrath. She moved out, so it's clear she's sending a message about the marriage, it just appears she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. Maybe it's a financial issue. Perhaps she needs you to support her while she romps around.

Have you considered going ahead with a divorce yourself and filing for primary custody of your son? It sounds like you may have enough evidence to prevail. If your wife is not willing to work on the marriage, perhaps this is your best recourse. Even an ultimatum to this effect may cause her to think twice about what she is doing. You just have to be strong enough to follow through if she ignores your statements to this effect.

These are just my thoughts and ideas, I hope you will ask your counselor for guidance and above all, do not sink to their level, for the sake of both you and your son.

Best wishes,

~Silverwraith

Quince, I would start with a good exposure. Exposure targets are her parents, your parents, the OM's parents, and close friends. Possibly the workplace if it is a workplace affair. But first you need to find out who this guy is. Is he married? What does he do for a living? Who are his parents, etc?

Get as much information as you can on him and then plan to expose his affair.

As far as confronting the OM, it is often very effective so don't count it out. Steve Harley of MB has counseled members here to confront the OM and ask him "what are your intentions with my wife?" Possible benefits to this are it gives the OM a chance to put a real live human being with a name. He can see that his actions are hurting a real live human being. This may also scare him. If you meet with him and exchange information, you will likely find that she has been lying to you both, which will cause great conflict in the affair.

I would also suggest that your son not be around the OM. Your child should not be dragged into her sleazy affair, lest he grow up not knowing right from wrong. Often, affairees drag children into their affairs in order to add a false respectibility to their nasty affair. Don't allow her to use your child as such a pawn. Many here have seperation agreements that actually state the children are not to be exposed to the OP. So, put your foot down and protect your child!

You are more likely to ensure divorce if you do nothing. Making her mad will not cause a divorce, but doing nothing probably will. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger. I would focus on ruining her AFFAIR so you have a chance of saving your marriage. And exposure is just the ticket for that. It is simply the most potent weapon against affairs. They thrive in secrecy and when you remove it, it ruins the fantasy.

Thanks again you are all helping,

I have been thinking about filing. I know for a fact that she will go full goose bozo if I try to obtain custody of our son. I am unsure if that would help my situation or not. She would die before she would let me have custody. This did get me to thinking though. If I could somehow get her to understand that I will make it difficult if not impossible for her to divorce, and move my son 75 miles away from me. At the same time, I feel guilty for using my son as a pawn in this ordeal. I believe that she fantasizes that we will end up friends after the divorce, and she will move in with the OM, and our son will have siblings, and everything will be peachy. I will at least fight for joint custody with no primary parent. Don't know if that's possible in this state or not, but I will fight to ensure that we must both live in the same school district so as not to mess up his education. Again, don't know my rights, but she doesn't either. If I can convince her that she can't just move our son so far away to live with OM, she may reconsider. I am certain this guy don't want to move up here. His son lives with him so he can go to that school. (ain't that nice?, that's the ONLY reason he wants to live there)
I really don't want to file though. Her reason for not filing is so we will get a better price for our business. If we are divorcing we will get low balled by opportunists. Right now, I am hoping that this delay will buy me time. I just need to work on patience, and being a better person for my own sake. I am very worried for my family though.

Quince, your son should not be used as a pawn here, but neither is she entitled to full custody. In fact, you should probably have primary since she is not acting in your family's best interest right now. She is breaking up your family, which doesnt exactly win her the parent of the year award or speak well of her devotion to his best interests.

I was just entertaining the idea of confronting this man, and kindly asking him to step out of her life to let us work on our marriage. Try to explain to him that if he really does respect her, then he should want what is best for her. If he really is a respectable person, then he would respect our marriage, and our family, even if she isn't respecting them right now. Don't know what he would say, but if he refuses to step aside, then he is proving that his intentions do not have her best interest in mind. Then perhaps I could make a big sign that says "this man is having an affair with my wife. this man does not respect the union of marriage. this man does not respect family" and walk up and down the middle of the street in front of his house for a while.

The OM isn't respectable and is not sane. He is not normal and will not respond kindly to you. To him and the WS, u r the enemy.

L.

I know that he cannot respect her. I do so want to chase this coward off, but I fear that I may not be able to control my anger where I to confront. I want to expose him, but I don't know him. I don't know his family, or anyone who knows him. her family is all dead except her mother who is dying of cancer and couldn't influence her if she tried. She has a history of acting out sexually that goes back to her teens. I know that she needs help, and I am trying to help her, but I am the last person on earth that she wants to love right now. Some of that is deserved. I haven't been good to her these last nine years. She had affairs back then, and we never recovered from them properly. I haven't been too nice to her, and she hasn't been to nice to me.

Do the background check on him. Notice all the red flags. Do not let your emotions dictate your actions. This is hard to do but realize you are not dealing with rational people.

Gather your info and them review the sitch at that time.

If you want to get the biggest bang for your buck.....be patient and act wisely.

Make every action count.

L.

Quince,

Be civil and proper with any written or witnessed contact.

If you meet him alone, look him right in the eye and tell him that the next time you see him with your wife you will take a baseball bat(or golf club if you can hit a fairway wood) to him and THEN you will spend whatever money it takes to ruin him financially. Whatever it takes for as long as it takes.

Not that I did that.

Well, it is not hard to find out who his family is. A PI can find out very quickly and you might be able to find out online. [www.peoplefinder.com for one] Having this information could be a VERY POWERFUL WEAPON. You could make his life ****** if you exposed his affair to his family. That would cause huge trouble in affair land because he couldn't bring your W around. Most OP's don't want the trouble. He is counting on your wimpiness to be able to continue to ****** around with your wife and won't expect you to man up.

If you think you might punch him, I would bring a friend who would be willing to step in if things got heated. I know I couldn't do it without punching the OP, but many others here have done it and it remained civil. You know your own limits and that is what you must deal with.

So, how do I make it clear to this man that I mean business? How do you threaten someone without actually threatening them. She told me that she was protecting his ID because she was afraid of what HE would do if he felt that HIS family was threatened. What a joke! Our family is threatened by him, and she is worried about his family! I want to make him believe that I would make it my life mission to destroy his family if he continues. That is my emotional brute response to this. I know that is not what I should do. She is spending the weekend with this person. Thought about calling him tonight while she's there but then I think I should wait till at least tuesday, get her to councelor at least one more time.

He is married. I would bet on it. That is why she is hiding his idenity. Exposure would likely be RUINOUS to him. And would kill the affair. Don't do anything directly with him YET. And DO NOT make any threats. You MUST find out who he is even if you have to hire a PI.

Do you understand what a weapon you have here if you will just USE IT?

Don't make any threats. And don't waste your time in counseling. Save the gas money and just flush the fee down the toilet, you will be better off. MC is of NO USE when one of partners is in an affair.

I believe he is divorced. she is calling his home phone too much for a married person. she is spending the day at his mothers house with him today. she has had problems with his ex girlfriend already, and i would love to find her to get some dirt on him. if I can find his ex wife, she may be able to help as well. But don't know her name or address. maybe a PI would help.