Read a lot of the stuff on the website before deciding to post.

Trouble started about 18 months ago, my neighbour and her best friend both went through traumatic splits. Unfortunately, I had to be away a lot on business, and whenever I came home the three of them would be sat in the kitchen drinking. After a while this just became my WW and the neighbour. When I was away, I would phone up and he'd be round till all hours, just her and him and a bottle of wine. I tried to make it stop, but she said he was just a friend, that I was obsessive about him and did I want her just to sit on her own lonely.

Her behaviour started changing - she would go out with her friend but by some strang coincidence would happen to bump into him, come back at all hours, drunk. Again, it was me that was wrong and obsessive.

The music tasted changing, her drinking increased (I later found she had a problem with that), she started spending 100's on underwear. Thongs! She hated thongs all her life and here they were - never worn for me.

The first letter I found was in the shredder - don't ask me how, you just get some "sixth sense" when you know someone that well. I painstakingly re-constructed this (Sad) and was amazed. "I am without morals when it comes to seeing you". I was devastated, challenged her about it - she went ballistic saying that it was private and I had no right. She told me I'd got it all wrong and she was trying to express her friendship as he was feeling very low after his divorce. I don't know if I just didn't want to believe it was true - put it to the back of my mind. (Sucker)

Time went by, still the bottles of wine and what seemed to me more and more flirting. WW and I would fall out almost daily - she would not listen to me, said that I was making the love drain out of her.
Tried to patch things up, made it through Xmas although it was bad and I almost walked out the week before.

Limped into the new year. I came back from a business trip and found another letter in the bin. HE had tried to have sex with her friend whilst out drunk. My WW wrote "How could you do that to the only person who knows how much I feel about you."

I challenged her again, but again this was all explained away and I was reading it wrong etc.

Not long this we agreed to split (March 06) - she needed space and time to think about us. (Sucker)

About 2 weeks after this she said she couldn't see us getting back together, we were now separated and I should move on. Wow! this hit me badly. I wasn't armed to cope with this, I was round there crying and just pleading for us to get back. I managed to get her to 2 counselling sessions but she just wasn't interested and didn't like what she was being told.

My neighbour has moved away about 200 miles. He hasn't sold his house, that complicates his divorce.

About a week ago I found another letter to neighbour in bin. "You are my beginning and my end.I'll regret it forever if I don't tell you before you go etc."

Challenged her about this and she told me I'd read it wrong it wasn't true and anyway it was all over. They had agreed to be "just friends" and he didn't call her or text more than once a day. AAAAGGHH! I said I couldn't be her friend while she continued to be his friend - she said that was my choice but it would hurt the kids. (Sucker)

Found a pregnancy test last week - challenged her, guess what, it was for her friend - yeah right.

I have been trying desperately to get us back together, but too many tears and appeals and I think this has turned her right off.

I can't cope - I've been so confused by her lies whilst trusting her for all those years. Logic tells me that I shouldn't expect anything more than lies and hidden truth, but it's killing me. Had all the usual - she wasn't happy for so long, don't know if she ever loved me etc.

She's now telling me that she hasn't made a choice between me and the neighbour, she was just choosing her and she has found peace since living on her own. Says that she can't see anyway back, doesn't want to and I should get on with my own life.

I'm going to Doctor today to get some anti-depressants. I am ready to give up.

Had this in "Just Found Out" Board originally.

Kids - 2 girls 7 & 13
Married 18 years
Age 39
Split 22/03/06

Found out today what I suspected, she went down to see him on Wednesday night.

Also just seen his car back on the drive (home for the weekend).

Had major bust up with WW, she's changing locks etc. proceeding with divorce.

I have to go to Plan B.

Too late. I know now I should never have agreed to move out but I'm renting a house and paying 2 sets of bills. She's changed locks on my home which I know legally she can't do without court order. I know legally I can fight this, but I've now got enough truth about A that I don't need to go back.

I have instigated D either on adultery or unreasonable behaviour - waiting for response.

Talking to all friends and family they tell me its over. I want to tie myself to the mast, let this A blow itself out and be there to pick up the pieces. Problem is there will be no guarantee that she'll want me back, and it's affecting me mentally and physically. In the meantime, how long do I wait? How much more can I take?

The exposure is taking its toll - she says everybody is turned against her and that I've slandered her - another reason we can't go back, and driving her deeper into A.

She's very angry and says she will instigate D and we should not speak to each other. I phoned her today, told her I love her, my love is unconditional and I can see a better and stronger relationship on the other side - Will now back off into Plan B.

Am I just living in a fantasy that we can salvage this? What's it gonna do to my own self respect?

CEG,

Welcome to MB. Sorry....the boards are kinda slow on the weekend. I will try to help if I can.

What you have been dealing with is the typical yet horrifying A virus. It eats the heart and souls of families.

So what can you do?

Here's a list for starters:

1. Go back to you MC and ask for suppport and a plan. Ask if you MC is familar with MB principles.

2. Read Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson). Both will help you cope what lies ahead.

3. Secure your finances and get back into your home.

4. Check with your solicator and see what options you can get regarding custody of your children. Your Ws' current behavior sounds like she is not being a safe mother for your children. Make your home a safe place for the children. If the WS has to leave, let her.

5. Do NOT provide $$ to finance her A or her drinking. Find out about getting to her some type of AA class or what her physician can recommend.

The WS is on a downhill spiral and pulling her entire family along with it. You must be the resistance and pull your family to safety even if it means putting the WS out of the house.

Learn about exposure and create your immediate support group. This will include your children but you don't have to tell all to them, just enough to keep you informed, supported and keep them safe and supported.

You may be a ways from doing a phone counseling with Jennifer C @ MB but they do have phone counseling sessions available.

take care,
L.

try to take time to check out this site and get the books orchid told you to get.really study up on this site too look at other posts and see advice others have to similar situations.and definetly dont let her rush you into making a decision b4 your ready,im going through similar thing you are and just get ready for a war,dont give up your hope

I know it feels good to show grief. But remember, your WS wants a man, not a whiny, crying, depressed person. Start to fulfill those ENs she has. All the things she says have been said by other WS including mine.

After reading these boards, I almost burst out laughing when my WS said verbatim something I had read only a few hours before. Remember it is the alcohol induced fog that has her in its grip. You have to be the lighthouse and guide her out. Desperation is not attractive, fulfilling ENs is. Hardest thing for BHs like us is to learn patience. Every minute of every day seems like eternity.

Everyday seems like a year. My WS affair is barely 2 months old and I can hardly remember life before it. Work on PLan A and YOURself. Get back in the house and let her "have her space and time" and let her FUND IT TOO!

Good luck,

You are not alone,

Brian

This site is quite a source of strength for me at the moment. My emotions are up and down second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Feeling OK today, was going to fall back to Plan B because "my" Plan A was just not hitting home. But you are absolutely right, I'm not meeting her EN because I'm bleeding all over her - Doh!

Just wish she could see that what I'm doing is being strong, the fact it's killing me and I'm not giving up is strength not weakness. She wants me to give up, I know its guilt that she can't handle. NEVER SURRENDER.

Kids are going with her for 2 week holiday. First time they've been away without me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She phoned me this morning quite upbeat (even though she is seeing lawyer this morn.) - I offered to give them a lift to the airport. She said that would be cruel. I said no problem.
I now see Plan A can still work, ju got to hold myself together.

Orchid: We call it the 'rollercoaster'. This one has a long track and rough enough to make anyone puke. That's why the infidelity diet is what most of us use.


Orchid: Plan A takes a short while. It does not have instaneous results. You need to get a plan and be patient. Don't bounce back and forth between plans A & B. It sends a mixed message.

You don't want to meet the needs of the WS, just the ones for your W.


Orchid: She can but doesn't care. That's the WS in her. A ws is not worth you losing anything over. Be strategic. Fight for your family, your W and your M but NOT for the WS.


Orchid: Cruel!??!? A loving jester is NOT cruel. See how twisted her mind is? Does that sound like someone you'd like to have care for your children? I am not talking about your W, I am talking about her WS persona.

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. You started working on the other stuff yet?

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid.

I've been seeing my relationship consellor regularly since we slit up. I don't think she's familiar with MB principles. She' been concerned about how long I can stand in the corner of the playground with my arms folded and watch them play, but is clear that I shouldn't end it until I am ready otherwise I will end up having that doubt for the rest of my days.

Talked to solicitor. I can go to court to regain acces but it will be expensive and there will be no gurantee as she will argue some "foggy" reason why.

With regard to kids, don't get me wrong, there is no question of my access to them - Half and half, that's one of the few things she is clear about. Besides, when there with me, she can go out and do what she's doing. It is a bit complicated because my kids and OM kids are good freinds even though they now live with his ex-wife 250 miles away. Problem is when they come and stay with him for holidays - it's an excuse for the kids to b together to get them together. My W mothers his kids as well and spoils them, I know its just to make him happy.

Don't want to get into custody battle - that would be ugly and expensive, it's not something in question at the moment. I don't like them being exposed to this - my W wrote in her last letter to OM "Even my 13 year old daughter has pleaded me to go out with you!"

I know it's fog talk and it hurt, but as someone said to me, your daughter sees mummy happy when she's with OM and sad when she's with you. I have exposed A to daughter (counsellor thought she was old enough) - she hasn't said a lot about it.

I have often thought about just moving back in. It's just too messy, especially for the kids. Their home is their home and sanctuary and I don't want to rock that right now.

In terms of finance, her family is wealthy. She's getting handout after handout. Nothing I can do about that.

Ask her to share the home. Meaning, you each spend time over night with the kids. Work out the schedule. The kids should not be punished because of what is going on.

I need to follow my own advice. I exposed BIG TIME last night and WS saw it as desperation. Luckily a mutual friend softened the blow. I told her I was trying to protect her from getting hurt.

Mutual friend is a divorcee. When her H left, her mom said, "Let him go, don't try to force things." Mutual friend said same to me today. Neither have seen MB.com but it is sound advice. She is divorced because she was so desparate that it pushed him away.

Right now your WW is in fantasyland. When they are together with the kids, they are ignoring them and even use you to watch them, I bet. Once affair hits reality, and the two have to actually take care of real life situations, the bubble will burst.

Exposure is good if done early enough. I exposed to some early which is working, but some late which looked like desperation (a huge LB).

I refocused my plan A and she is out soon. (We are sharing the house but the majority of the time I am at home.) Remember WS has chosen to continue the affair. They must face the consequences.

Sad and Boggy today.

Kids gone away with her for 2 weeks to holiday destiantion we've been together for last god knows how many years. Want kids to have a good time, but in a way, hope they miss me and WS can see impact.

Have exposed big time - she's raging about it, says I'm slandering her. Here's the hilarious bit. I'm seeing my counseller at about UK£50 per hour - who's she seeing: Omah the fortune teller and his crystal ball! Can you believe it? Apparantly Omah saw this coming and that I would slander her. "He sees everything!"....THE FOG!

I'm digging in on Plan A - to be honest still trying to guess what EN's are, especially what she's getting from me. How do you balance cake eating and meeting EN's?

Told me yesterday she really cared for me and was worried about me - gave me a hug and was very affectionate but still wants divorce.

I'm suppressing huge amounts of pain and am totally confused.

The ENs are all the things you do for her. Stand tall though, you are not a doormat. It is a razor's edge. You have to Plan A but let her know that you are not condoning what she is doing without seeming desperate... very hard to do!

MY WS is cake eating. Exposure put major pressure on that. But, I have said all I want to say to her. She knows what I want. Time to be aloof, fill her ENs so when she walks out the door the last thing she will remember is a man who loves her, cares for her and treats her right.

Unfortunately, you cannot tell them what they will experience. They must experience it for themselves.

Thanks thorstein

I have exposed to everybody, but everybody says the same thing - just give up and move on with your life. They are trying to be supportive but just don't understand. "You are a good looking guy, you'll easily find another woman." Aagh! - I don't want another woman.

But a little voice in my head says "Why be second best?" or "Why should I take the punishment of an affair and be the one who has to be sooo nice whilst it's clearly still going on"

I know the reason but it eats you up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

CEG UK

Hope for Couples in Crisi

Dam

Think I blew it. WW was quite affectionate yesterday, gave me hug and said "I care a lot for you you know". I was quite cheered up by this then BAM! it hit me. She's taken my kids to Portugal and I spoke to her on the phone with just general chit chat. Couldn't control myself and phoned her back.

She shuts down and won't say anything to me, so I sent her the following text which summed it up.

I'm sorry if you thought that was unhelpful and I know you are tired and pi**ed off. Just don't tell me you care about me and carry on with your affair. - If you care - END IT. I really wanted to give you space, but really you just wanted more time with (OM). So don't get pi**ed at me when I don't back off. Your affair is hurting me - separation is not an excuse for it to carry on. Divorce is definately not.

Is this Love Busting or tough love?

CEGUK, it is good to be straightforward about the hurt she is causing, just don't deliver that news with angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments. Don't lecture her, but state clearly that her affair is extremely hurtful to you and the kids. Let her know that oyu know her request for "space" is really a request to carry on with the OM and that you can't bless that. Get the idea?

Plan A does not stand for APPEASEMENT or asskissing a destructive WS, it only stands for delivering the TRUTH without lovebusters. Sorry you are here, friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Eh,

Don't ever apologize for telling her the truth. But don't go overboard either. You've had your say. Some say that space may break up A sooner. It is hard because you feel like you are doing exactly the opposite of what you should be doing.

Remember that the last thing you want her to see/ hear is a caring wonderful person. It will hit her when you least expect it. For my WS, the fog goes out sometimes. I feel mixed about my exposure and think there is a lot of fog talk - that I am the one acting insane.

Yeah. She is having an affair and we have a home and two children. I am the one acting insane because I didn't keep her dirty little secret.

Back off.... maybe you need to a bit. Smothering is not attractive either.

A friend, who is divorced, said all she did was plead and beg and ask why are you doing this to me? It pushed her H farther away. Sounds nuts but...

When you first met you didn't say half the things you talk to her about now. So how is that attractive. Besides, Plan A makes you a better person. Try it out on the kids, it works wonders.

Didn't realise that was a link Cymanca, sorry - it was very good.

Understand what your saying thorstein (based on article), just afraid that she's either too in love with OM or that she actually thinks she's behaved in a noble way by separation.

I really know what I have to do and honestly believe our marriage can survive but my friends just keep telling me its over at a time when I really need their help to help me keep believing. They just think I'm hurting myself by holding out hope.

Wotcha CEG !

I'm from England. A mate asked me to look in on you.

BOY do I recognise a lot of your situation !

Unfortunately, I had to be away a lot on business Yep. Thats me.
Her behaviour started changing tell it like it is, brotherman !
she would go out with her friend ( to sporting events) but by some strang coincidence would happen to bump into him, come back at all hours Again, it was me that was wrong and obsessive. Oh yeah !

The music tasted changing, her drinking increased (I later found she had a problem with that), she started spending 100's on underwear. Thongs! She hated thongs all her life and here they were - never worn for me.

IDENTICAL ! Squid started listening to teenage love music. Dreadful cack .

The first letter I found was in the shredder - don't ask me how, you just get some "sixth sense" when you know someone that well. I painstakingly re-constructed this (Sad) and was amazed. "I am without morals when it comes to seeing you". I was devastated, challenged her about it - she went ballistic saying that it was private and I had no right. She told me I'd got it all wrong and she was trying to express her friendship as he was feeling very low after his divorce. I don't know if I just didn't want to believe it was true - put it to the back of my mind. (Sucker)

Time went by, still the bottles of wine and what seemed to me more and more flirting. WW and I would fall out almost daily - she would not listen to me, said that I was making the love drain out of her.
Tried to patch things up, made it through Xmas although it was bad and I almost walked out the week before. Scary parellels all over the place.

My sit was just abut as horrible as it can get. Yet, me and my baby just went our for a thai lunch and flirted and giggled like the lovers we are.

You stand a good chance of getting you baby back, CEG but you have to get with the program. I also thought pop psych like MB was mind wanking for middle class Americans, but its BRILLIANT and WORKS, even for cynical Englishmen like me.

I know how you feel CEG, honestly.

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess.
Another man has taken what was promised to you. Was GIVEN what was promised to you. Awful.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying CEG. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to wail and wallow in pain like MIKE did. This will remove your life from the pain, but not the pain from your life.
2. Divorce your WW while you are in pain and not thinking straight. Even God allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn;t remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
CEG your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, but that is your emotional response, not fact.
You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.
Whatever any of you decides permanently now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.
In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge CEG ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the self pity. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Ark, Mel, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.
Then start to identify people in OMs life that might apply a moral pressure on him if they knew of his affair. Also have you exposed to your wifes' family and friends yet ? Exposure is a very effective tool.

I don't stop by here often but If I can help you can find me.

CegUK, unfortunately a seperation is only good for 2 things: DIVORCE and AFFAIRS. It is NEVER good for a marriage. A marriage cannot be repaired if she is not there! When a WS wants "space" it always means "space to carry on my affair unimpeded." Don't please don't be fooled that. There is nothing good about it all.