Awesome post, BobPure!

Thanks BobPure, like I said, it's been a pretty lonely furrow I've been ploughing on my own up 'till now. I believe, unlike everybody around me that the situation is fixable but not at the cost of my own self respect.

I'm an extremely passionate person which means I'll fight to the death for something I believe.

Honestly just don't know how to handle this. Haven't spoken to her for about a week. This is a good thing coz I'm not love busting but am I ready for Plan B?

It's prety dire - we're not living together, WW is still sleeping with OM, want's to be my friend and cares for me but has this separated in her head.

How did you resolve your situation? A or B?

Got "Love must be Tough" but haven't received SAA yet.

CEG

Bad gig, I'm sorry.

Plan A, exposure and threatening OM worked for me. OM wanting to work on his R meant he dropped Squid like a bag of snot afterwards so Squids dreams of moving out to live with OM died.

My story is HERE along with some of the best advice I got, if you have a month or two spare to read it !

Plan a and exposure worked for me. Beware being too meek. Click on the blue MIKE in my previous post to you to read about his sad story.

All blessings.

Thanks Bob

Had a quick look at your links and they look like homework for me for next few days.

Brilliant, thank you.

Bob

Those posts are pretty awesome - Tiger and the Open taken very much second position to reading your threads.

I guess they have been helping me figure out my dilemma but not the solution.

She says that A is over. (I know it's not). She says she wants to remain friends with OM. I've said that if she remains friends with him then I cannot.

Is this wrong?

CEG

Theres only ever one solution to an affair : exposure, plan A/plan B and time.

Exposure made OM cling to his family and also gave me an ally to police NC in OMs GF. If I was 'lucky' in my situation it was because OM wanted to stay in his relationship and my exposure and additional threats enouraged him.

Your best plan now IMO is to find somebody in OMs life who might be outraged by his affair with yoru missus, and to plan a your [censored] off. I can help you with that if you like. I did a very very good one.

Personal boundaries
IDing and meeting ENs
Enjoying yourself
Loving detachment.

Thats what ya need IMO.

ive read some of bob pures thread not all but some
i came across it when i was ready to give up read it all it will give you a clearer head to know what you got to do
for the new guys like us we have to trust vets on this site and do what they say...
trust their words there giving back for the help they recieved at times when they were in our shoes

Eventually books arrived SAA and Love Must Be Tough.

I think I was shocked by Sue's example in SAA, it really brought home to me how my WS is probably feeling and how helpless I am to do something about it.

I fear that however much I try to meet her EN's, she is so attached to OM that I'm just not getting through.

Also, as we're living apart at the moment, albeit round the corner, I've just no idea where she is with A. Keeps saying it's over but somehow I feel it's not.

I know I've got to keep going on Plan A but fear I', withdrawing from L Bank as she is uncomfortable with facing the source of her guilt.

I feel quite strong at the moment coz she's still in Portugal 'till Sunday and I know she can't be seeing OM although I'm sure they're talking while away.

I can't have kids straight away when she gets back because of work - she sounded dissapointed - I reckon she fancied seeing OM straight away. Accused me of not putting kids first. I told her if she wasn't doing what she was doing I'd be on holiday with the kids too, so don't have a go at me. Dam I wish I could button it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

CEG

A shining, short Plan A and a dark plan B is called for I think.

If you feel your care for her draining, its a sign you need to plan B soonish IMO.


Plan A can be effective even when the WS is not home. I'll dig some examples of that out.

Having a rough day - spoke to her yesterday and she is adament that there is no going back.

She wasn't going to be back from holiday 'till early Sunday morning. For some reason she got a flight back this afternoon (Sat). Guess what, neighbours appeared as well. I wonder where this is going.

It's just absolute torture I can almost put up with the A although it cuts deeply, just I have no ide whether she's telling me rationally that it's done or whether it's just fog talk.

CEG, Squid was mean as a rabid rattlesnake for months. While theres a SHRED Of contact with OP withdrawal is mean and futile IME.

You have to detach yourself mate Lock your taker up or at least divert its attention for a while.

There is no hopeless or hopeful right now. Just the work YOU have to do. Your W seem suniquely bitter and broken right now, but she reads about par for the coure to me. Consider it a temporary insanity and you won;t go far wrong.

Read up on Orchid's fog babble guide. That will help you deal with the stream of irrationality that issues forth from your alien-abducted baby.

You really mustn't take it any more personally than you would if she'd been hit on the head with a guzunder pot and was rambling incohernentl ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Its about YOU for a while now mate : be all you can be. Study plan A. Look GOOD. Smell GOOD. Be a GREAT dad. Make sure she knows when you go out with friends, looking GREAT and also make sure she doesn' know where you're going.

When she is horrible to you about your marrige say " I can see you really mean that. I have a different view that I also really believe in". Learn stuff like that from Orchid.

You can DO this, but have to stop playing the hopeful/hopless flip flop game. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

All blessings !!

Bob

Do you mean my withdrawal is futile?

No, just your trying to reason with her and getting your hopes up or down is futile.

MOST affairs end ! MOST marriages reconcile !! MOST WS emit green smoke at the sam equanyity of your WW !

This is about YOU now. Get strong, invest in yourself.

Try to meet her needs as you are able until you go to plan B.

Withdrawal is usually a phase the WS goes through as they cope withe teh removal of the OP from their lives and the looming behemoth of the truth of their actions starts to appear.

While your missus is away, do you have any details regarding OM ? Is he married etc ?

Find something out about him and expose if you already haven't. a PI is well worth the effort if you don;t know details.

As a BS u will go through stages. Withdrawal isn't one of them. Please read the 5 stages of grieving in my sig link.

Hope it helps.

take care,
L.

Bob , Orchid thanks for your posts.

OM has GF - she is 25, he is 40. In the last letter I found from my W, it read "It kills me that you are next door with her, if you felt the way I did you wouldn't be with her every night. You are planning your future together despite what you say to me."

I would like to expose to GF but I would be happier if they kept together. He knows I know and I hope it's making him uncomfortable.

It's a bit naughty but I take some nasty pleasure that WW can't compete with 25 year old. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

This is a common misnomer. It is more likely he will dump your wife like a hot potatoe (Quayle spelling) in an effort to save his relationship which he apparently still values.

They are much more likely to make up and she will be your partner in breaking up the affair and keeping it that way from his side of things.

Even if they do break up, without secrecy the affair can longer deepen. It becomes toxic and troublesome from exposure point on.

Exposure works like a virus and will slowly erode the infidels relationship from the inside out.

The threat of exposure does NOT produce the same effect.

Mr. Wondering

Exposure can make it go either way but if GF dumps OM that will hurt the WS pride which is a good thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

My OM had a GF too. When I exposed he dumped my Squid asap.

If OM wanted to leave his GF for your WW he would have already.

He is cake eating.

MR W is right - threat of exposure doesn't work. Only exposure works.

Guys / Girls

Thanks for the input - you're right, I'm on the verge of exposing to GF.

Got couple of problems - exposure is causing rift in her family which is causing great deal of resentment - exposure is being mis-represented as nastiness.

Also see faint chink of fog lift - don't know - walking on egg shells - could blow it if expose now - going to give it a week or so to see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />