I have not read the entire thread... but I think what you are trying to do is admirable. Anyway, I live in the Philly area... is there something that you needed a local person to help you with???
As far as the letter goes, sending it Cert/RD is the best way to go. You can be assured that she will get the letter at that point.
I would personally recommend against calling. I think the deatiled letter is the way to go.

MEDC,
A Philly person! Well, I'm still trying to decide if I should just send the letter Cert/Restricted Delivery rather than involve a 3rd party to deliver the letter. Do you live far from Souderton?

I just took a chance at trying to call the OM'sW. I tried the number from work using *67 to block my number. The answering machine picked up. There was just a message that is the kind you get from the phone ...you know...sort of robotic and says..."He-llo, no one is available to answer your call right now. Please leave a message at the tone." How would I really know this is their phone # and they didn't change it after my husband called the OM in May?? Their number is an unlisted number.

I really feel I need to send the letter vs. calling now.

I would strongly recommemd against having someone deliver the letter. I am retired law enforcement and I can tell you that this is asking for trouble.
You have a few options for delivery that would ensure that the letter gets only to the intended party... you already discussed one option... the other would be using Fed EX and specifying that it only goes to the W.
Involving someone else opens up the possibility for a confrontation with the OM.. these things can get ugly very quickly.

Thank you for your advice MEDC. I am glad you brought to my attention what could happen if a 3rd party delivered the letter. I was concerned about that. I will have to send the letter myself using restricted delivery.

I spent the last few days writing up this draft letter to the OM'sW I would like opinions from BS's.... I have asked my H to read the letter, but he is uncomfortable reading it. I imagine it is too painful to bring up the memories of the A. He is fine with me doing this on my own.

Please let me know what you like, don't like, or anything I need to omit or add. I was going to mail this next Tuesday so that she would receive it by next Friday or Saturday for the weekend. But, I am thinking I may send it out tomorrow or Saturday. My parents will be down visiting me the week of July 31st and I don't want to have any phone calls that I have to deal with while they are here.

I also am planning to still place the letter in a small box and send by certified mail/restricted delivery. Also, should I provide an email address for her to write me in addition to my cell phone number? She may be more comfortable emailing me than phoning me.

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2BN-

Nothing in your letter says "affair", or "inappropriate". You talk about contact, but never mention what was WRONG with the contact.

Be more specific. If you both 'fell in love'...say it, then go on to point out that you knew it was wrong and what steps were taken to end the 'affair'.

If I remember right, this first one was an EA only. Use the phrase "emotional affair".

I know it's tough, but you've got to be POINT BLANK HONEST, to ensure she understands the scope of what happened and can deal with her H accordingly.

Don't dance around it...BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front).

Owl,
You are right. I had a sentence in the letter originally that said "I had an affair with your husband". I wasn't sure if that would be obvious by reading it. I also felt it would be painful to say that I fell in love with her husband??? As a BS, how would you feel to receive a letter that said a man fell in love with your wife? I was trying to put myself in her shoes. If I need to say that I will.

This A, was physical for the 3 days the OM was here in Oct. 2003. I didn't think I needed to give details of what went on???

I inserted a few changes in the 3rd paragragh....please let me know what else needs to be changed.


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2BN, I agree with Owl… You need to spell out to OM's W to what level you were involved with her H e.g. at what point did the contact between the 2 of you became inappropriate; was it EA and/or PA; did you "fell in love" with each other; did it progress to an “exit A” etc. Other than that I think your letter is perfect. But you need to be specific and give her more details. Otherwise when she confronts her H, he might lie to her about the true extent of the A and minimize everything that happened.

Suzet,
Thank you for your opinion. This is difficult. I wasn't trying to minimize it for me, but was thinking about how hard it would be for her to read the letter. I understand why I need to spell out what level the A progressed to.

I think I'm going to have to take some time to re-write the letter to better spell all of this out!

To all reading this, please continue to give more advice as I do this. Thank you!

Yes you do.

You don't have to get graphic, but you do need to make it clear that this was an affair...both emotionally and physically. Not details, but make it clear that you were..."physically and emotionally intimate".

Of course it's going to hurt her. It's going to be the most excrutiating pain she's ever experienced. There's nothing to be done for that now.

But she needs to know the TRUTH of what happened. Make it clear how much you regret what happened, own up to your own guilt, but give her the clear honest picture of what happened, what role her H played in it, and what you're doing now to recover your OWN marriage.

I know you don't want to dredge all of that up...but you can't do this halfway.

Owl...how would I word the details of when the OM was here and we were physical? Do I say...I was sexually intimate with your H ..x amount of times??? Or just say we were sexually intimate during this time???

Yes, and I realize this is going to be the most excrutiating pain she's ever experienced. I didn't want to make it seem that it was ALL her husband either. Yes, he did the initiating of the contact, by I continued to correspond with him and it grew to a level it should never have gone to.

2BN, I’ve read the second draft of your letter. I think you need to add in the letter that the e-mails and phone calls became inappropriate and thereafter developed to an EA. If you just say “inappropriate” and leave out “Emotional Affair” it will again give the OM again a chance to minimize or lie about what happened.

No, you don’t have to give specific details and elaborate on that, but I think you do need to tell the OM’s W to what extent you were involved with her H physically. If you don’t do that the OM might lie to his W again and say yes, he was physically involved with you (for example kissing; embracing; petting etc.), but didn’t engaged in sexual intercourse with you.

If you will find it too difficult to spell out in your letter what happened you may consider printing out the thread ”15 steps of unfaithfulness” and indicate on that printout how far the A progressed and what of those 15 steps were taken by you and OM and then you can include such in you letter to her (I will post the link to that thread if you can’t find it).

I know you want to spare the OW pain, but by dancing around to facts and avoid spelling it out to her in an attempt to sapre her pain, you might risk that the OM will twist the truth to his W.

Suzet,
If you can provide that link, I would appreciate it! You are all right...if I don't give her the cold facts, the OM WILL twist the truth! I don't want that to happen. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

I agree with Suzet.

Make it clear that this was an affair of a sexual nature...with all that that entails.

Heck, use that phrase from me in your letter if you want.

Small 2x4 coming...brace yourself...

USE THE WORD AFFAIR!!!!
You can't 'pretty this up'. You can't dodge calling it what it was. Anything less leaves room for OM to do damage control...leaves room for doubt by OMW in her interpretation of what you're saying.

QUIT dancing around it...call a duck a duck and drive on.

I consider you a friend here on MB, so you know I'm saying this out of that friendship...not as an attack.

OWN UP TO WHAT HAPPENED...PROVIDE SUFFICIENT INFORMATION TO ALLOW OMW TO CLEARLY UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED...ADMIT TO YOUR OWN PART...AND CLEARLY LET HER KNOW YOUR REASONS FOR CONTACTING HER

You're

Here is the link to that thread 2BN. Another reason I think it will be good to add a printout of this thread to her is to give her some sort of ‘insight’ in how A's develop in general and specifically how you and OM’s e-mail and phone contact eventually developed to EA and then PA. This will not lighten her pain and devastation but it might help a bit by giving her some sort of ‘understanding’ (don't know if this is the right word to use) in the dynamics of an A which initially has started off as 'frienship'. You might also decide to direct the OM’s W to this website.

God bless you for doing this 2BN and give you strength...

2bNormal, I would add something to the effect that "we had a physical affair and met at XYZ hotel on XXX Date, at ZYX hotel on XX date, etc."

That tells her you had the affair, it was physical and gives her timelines without having to get too sordid.

I think the rest of your letter is PERFECT, and as a BS, I would be grateful to get it.

Owl,
I respect all that you are saying and I am going to rewrite the letter, and use the word affair and make all the changes necessary to make it clear to her exactly what happened. I understand this all now. I didn't realize how it sounded until you all pointed it out, and I know it needs to change.

This will take me some time as I can't do this while working. I need to put more thought to this and this will most likely mean I won't be mailing this letter until my parents leave from their visit on August 6. I hate to wait that long, but I've already waited this many years.... I just can't risk having phone calls coming to my cell phone or possibly my house while my parents are at my house for a week.

Suzet,
Thank you for the link. I will read it again and consider if I will enclose that with my letter. I'm not sure if I should provide her with this site as she then may see my posts. Do you think that would be OK to do?

ML,
Thank you for your input. Very much appreciated! Shall I give the exact name and location of the hotel? I wasn't planning on giving her the detail of what city I live in, but only my state. If you feel this is necessary, please let me know.