aw, I'm not sure she will understand when I say I can't be friends with her or that I need to heal from her. I get the impression she thinks co-parenting shouldn't be a problem since I'm not living with her so I don't see her. I don't think she gets it that even brief contact with her hurts me. Whether she gets it or not, that is what I need to heal from this.


Hi Mel, You may be right here and I'm sure I may find out through someone if that is the case. My Plan B letter clearly states that I will only resume contact with my WW if she is committed to "us" and there is no OM in her life.


I was thinking 1 week, but I still have some minor details to sort out with her so 3 weeks would help me take care of them. Until that time my interactions with her will be strong and pleasant.


Mel, After August 18 she has no legal right to come back into my house and I will have changed the locks by then. Honestly, I see her accepting my Plan B as she has done such a good job of distancing herself from me and wanting this seperation.

She has lost control of me already by signing this LSA. She has no say in what I do, where I go, or who I'm with and I don't think it will bother her since she is so focused on her new life now. I just don't see her trying to break my Plan B.

Well she is moving out as I write this from my parents home where I spent the night. I'm awaiting a message from her on my cell phone to let me know she has left and that will be the signal to return home. Not looking forward to that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


Sendme, I have already begun the disengagement and have eliminated the LB'ing. I'll keep an ear open for the "dumb" problems she faces in the next couple of weeks.


It wouldn't suprise me if she resumes her A, however she will have to be extremely careful since her work must not know about it as well as her family. What an awful way to have a R with someone!


Not there yet of course since her presence still brings me down.

Your situation was slightly different in that your W forced the D and it got ugly, but did you notice her being a bit nicer when it was finalized?


Thanks, I sense I will be on here for much support over the next few days and weeks.

It will be a completely different environment, Hope. With Plan B, it is a statement that YOU are now in control and not her. That has never been the case here. She has ALWAYS had complete and full access to you at will. She has ALWAYS had the run and control of the you, the house, the kids. She will be losing that very shortly here. And I suspect she will not be happy about that.

What I expect to see when you go into Plan B is outrage that you are "hurting the children" by interfering with her "coparenting" plans. The REAL ISSUE is her GUILT about abandoning her family and playing HAPPY FAMILY protects her from that. Hence, the "let's be FRIENDS" crap and be good "coparents." She will likely use the kids as a leverage and guilt inducer to MAINTAIN contact with you and FORCE you to make this as "amicable" as possible for her.

She needs this and will fight for it, I suspect. Because it is about much more than staying in contact with you, it is about keeping GUILT at bay.

I know of TWO Plan B cases right now where a seemingly very detached WS has actually threatened LEGAL ACTION over Plan B.

And maybe none of this will happen, but it is best to be prepared and braced for any attempts to keep you on the plantation and in your proper place.

Do you have an intermediary that can manage contact for you? How will you handle exchange of the kids without contact?

If you read this thread from the beginning you may have noticed I went to my brother's cottage with my kids on Thursday and Friday of last week. Well the kids had such a good time that they didn't ask to call home and I was also preoccupied with having fun.

My WW left 6 messages on my cell before she finally got through to me while I was on the beach. She was upset that we hadn't called and after I listened to her messages I noticed her getting increasingly upset by not being able to get through to me. If this is a sign of what is to come then you may be right.


Mel, I can defenitely see this happening with my WW since she will blame me for "hurting" the kids. She will do this and that I am fairly certain of.

As for the guilt, I've noticed commnets from her that indicate she is repressing it by blaming me. For example she has repeatedly said "you will be rid of me soon". I guess it is her way of justifying and not owning it.

As far as intermediaries go, I may use my IL's for the weekly transfer, but that may not work for the once-a-week visitation since that time is later and they may be getting ready for bed by then.

Hope, what is this once a week visitation? Will she be picking up/returning the children? If that is so, you can specify that she drop them at the door and when she picks them up to honk and you will send them out. But I would make it clear she is not to come to the door or attempt to come inside. This is one way you can expect her to try and break your Plan B and force her presence on you.


That is exactly what you will likely see. It will enrage her to not have full access and control anymore. And she will play the "for the children" card to the maximum. Too bad she wasn't that concerned before she decided to have an affair and destroy their family, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If you can set up a way to transfer the kids at your home/her home wihtout seeing her you might be able to avoid using them as an intermediary for transfers. The primary purpose of an intermediary is to pass on PERTINENT information so you can avoid ALL CONTACT with her. There may be some PERTINENT things you need to know about and she will have no way to contact you unless in an emergency. See what I mean?

Hope....she was just the opposite....she was almost bi-polar...upset, crying and sad one minute and snorting mad the next...when she started that PA with her coworker....just to hurt me I was a mess and simply began to withdraw...and by the end of the ordeal I really did not care...whether she was mad, whether she was sad, whether she was happy, whether or not if she was making a joke of herself being with a salesman from the company when she was a sr. executive and officer.....and she knew it.....

Good luck my friend...

This is what I plan on doing since I will certainly NOT be going into her new home nor will she be permitted to enter my home.

In my Plan B letter, it stipulates that she is to contact me only for matters concerning the kids by leaving a voice mail message on my cell or via email. This will give me an oppourtunity to reply they way I want.

Hope, I would reconsider allowing her to contact you in any way; it is a huge mistake. The only contact should be a REAL EMERGENCY. Allowing any contact will give her ample opportunity to abuse you and you will be forever mired in her crap. You will find she will email about everything under the sun and you will have to witness her endless tirades DAILY. You CANNOT control the content of what she says to you, so will be at her mercy. Better to not even go there.

This will prevent you from achieving the intended purpose of Plan B, which is to EXTRACT yourself her mess entirely.

Plan B has to be COMPLETELY DARK in order to be effective or there is really no use in doing it.

You have waited SOO long to do this, Hope, why not make that wait worthwhile by doing it right?

Mel, as stipulated in our LSA and since we have legal joint custody, we must consult with each other for issues regarding the kids including:
- enrolling in any extraordinary activities (i.e. soccer)
- consult with each other regularily about imortant issues regarding the kids
- exchange information about the kids
- kids may telephone or communicate by email on daily basis with parents

It will be extremely difficult to go completey dark because of the kids.

I wouldn't even bother then. You don't "have" to "consult" DIRECTLY about anything. It will do you no good to say you are in Plan B if you aren't really in Plan B. Plan B means NO CONTACT, Hope. It is not easy to go dark but folks do it successfully EVERY DAY on this forum. It takes a little more planning, but it is achievable.

Plan B means NO CONTACT, though. Not "some" contact. Email is CONTACT. Voicemail is CONTACT. What you are planning here is NOT Plan B. Honestly, I wouldn't even bother because contact simply defeats the purpose.

All I'm saying is that going completely dark will be very difficult and require alot of effort and planning when kids and joint custody is involved.

no HTW it wont be really. Just a bit of lateral thinking and yes inconvenience perhaps to you until you are used to it, but what cost to your peace of mind if you keep in direct contact?

Dont give yourself reasons to contact her. Its likely you will have a hard enough time with her constantly trying to draw you into her drama even if only verbally.

MEL has it right. (Hi Mel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) Most plan B's fail when there is any contact except for emergencies, real ones not things like I have a flat tyre or the garbage bin is full, or I broke my nail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> .

ok lets look at the LSA ......

- enrolling in any extraordinary activities (i.e. soccer)

so why do you need to speak directly to her? A third party can surely pass along your or her messages back & forth ... yes I will pick them up or drop them off etc;

- consult with each other regularily about imortant issues regarding the kids

again a third party, mum or dad etc can pass this on re issues with the kids - remember these are non emergency things;

- exchange information about the kids
again mum or dad or whoever can pass along things like little Jonnie has been a bit sick or drank too much cordial, or he needs some shoes or whatever the thing is,,remember not emergency;

- kids may telephone or communicate by email on daily basis with parents
why do YOU need to speak to her? hear the voice hand the phone over without a word to her ...better yet can you afford a cheap prepaid the kids can use for mum contact when with you. If you only gave THAT number to her for the kids you know who is ringing.... rings hand it over to kids.

and one more thing ... don't go beating yourself up if you fall for one or two of her strategies to maintain contact during the initial period. You'll begin to see her actions for what they are & be able to blunt them as time goes by.

all the best HTW & when in doubt come & ask the MB troops.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It's not really that difficult with PROPER planning. Once you get in the swing of things it becomes rather routine. People do it here every day.

One idea is to set up an online calendar with the visitation schedule that you can both access. But, try to set up a STRICT visitation BEFORE you go DARK so there are as few loose ends as possible.

Any PERTINENT information that MUST be passed on should be screened and passed on by an intermediary. And I mean IMPORTANT STUFF, not nonsense like "I want DD to have on a pink outfit when I pick her up." Your intermediary should be coached to NEVER pass on anything but PERTINENT, URGENT communications. And he/she should not forward her emails to you, but just TELL you the important stuff and reply to your W HERSELF.



All this "consulting" bullcrap will do nothing more than ENABLE her to pretend she is being a good mother after she has abandoned her family. It won't help the kids and it will HARM you by keeping you mired in her bullcrap.

She needs to see the REALITY of what life will be like if she is DIVORCED, so don't protect her frm that reality by participating in this little HAPPY FAMILY pretense. She broke your family up, remember? Your kids are not WELL SERVED by a pretense that keeps their mother fogged out and their father in a state of emotional distress.

I just received a message from WW that she has finished her move from my house. Not looking forward to going home right now.

OK, I think I can go really dark with some of the suggestions stated above, but I'm trying to figure out how to call my kids without speaking to WW. I could say "Can I speak to the kids please" as soon as she picks up the phone. Any ideas here?

Either DON'T CALL them or give them a pre-paid cell phone.

Another thing that will help you is to explain to your children what you are doing. Tell them that this seperation hurts you very much and because of that, you won't be interacting with your W. Otherwise, they will be wondering what is going on.

What if you ask your son to call you every night at XXX time to say goodnight?

What about this? Give your son a watch with an alarm clock on it and set it to go off at a certain time. He will know thats the time to call his daddy!

maybe have someone ( mum or dad or relative ?)ring her number and say you wish to speak to the kids now pls ...something like that perhaps?

must be many ideas out there perhaps we could get some who did the plan B move to give you some advice here?

she really has to FEEL the break or its worthless HTW. If she can play happy families why would she reconsider her decisions when she can cake walk?

remember, a good Plan B also allows you to disengage too, move back from the pain and hurt and anger, & in the end, its not only her decision, its YOURS as well on what happens in the future.

Mel, I don't think I could go through with NOT speaking to my kids once a day. Not only that but I would not want them to think that daddy doesn't love them. I know my WW will be calling at least once a day to talk to them.

I like the pre-paid cell phone idea, but it may be a bit expensive for me right now. I will have to think about this one.