2long, you funny guy you! The last time I felt like 9 I was 16 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Yes, I've seen her in action and I don't want any part of that.

Last night was lots of fun as we all enjoyed having dinner together and having a few tall cool ones. My friend's sister was suggesting that I join her gym since she has many single and divorced friends there. I told her that I appreciated her help, but that I wasn't quite ready to start dating yet.

Today my DS left a message on my cell asking when I was picking him up since tonight begins my week with the kids. He said I could call him back and that mom won't pick up the phone if I do. I guess she is trying to respect my wishes for NC with her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'm feeling a little sad today even though I'm seeing the kids later and I think it may be withdrawal from my WW setting in. It has only been a week since I last had contact with my WW and wasn't expecting to feel this way. Will it get better after 3 weeks as Dr. Harley suggests when describing WS in withdrawal?

HTW,

I can’t see the relation between a WS withdrawing from goo-goo eyed chemically induced emotional feelings originating from adulterous sexual promiscuity and a BS separating from an abusive, self serving, morally bankrupt, potentially psychopathic, lying, stealing, cheat adulterous WW.

I’m understanding that Harley never interjected “withdrawal” into the equation of plan B.

By the time plan B is engaged there is little to no affection from the WS in most cases. I can’t imagine you would be feeling anything right now except pure sadness. Not withdrawal.

But then again they are your emotions to name and understand correctly.

As your friend I would just like to offer that when I was D’ing from my XW I was sad for a few weeks until I saw that all the things that made you happy last week were PERMANENT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Even though I felt lonely sometimes the feelings were never for more than a few minutes because I learned to like myself for the most part.

Also loneliness for me as a single Dad wasn’t anything near in approximation to that of being a single person without children.

I was just way too busy to feel like I was alone most of the time. Well really I wasn’t hardly ever alone because as time went by my XW wanted me to have the kids more and more so she could ho around and turn herself into a man mill. She went through guys like crazy after we D’d.

You’ll feel better.

Wishing you the best.

chicken! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope, Plank gave you some insight with his post. What i have seen is that BSes do go through a painful withdrawal initially. Yours seems to be less than normal because you were so beaten down by her that it was a relief to get away from her. Now that the relief is wearing off somewhat you are starting to miss her. I don't think it is going to last too long in your case. In fact, I suspect - and hope - that you will probably be feeling a great deal of PEACE that you haven't felt in years in a few short weeks.

Just hang in there, friend.

p.s. good job on behaving yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good to hear from you Plank and I think you may be right about the sadness part. I'm feeling better today but I still reflect and feel alot of resentment and anger towards my WW for what she did to me. I need to slowly work through that or it will just keep bringing me down.

There is a large part of me that just wants to lay into her about how awful she has been to me and how hurtful her betrayal was. I'm starting to feel like she doesn't deserve someone like me to be her husband. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Friday I picked up the kids and found a letter from my WW in their napsack. It was in response from my Plan b letter sent to her the week before. In it she said even though I want nothing to do with her we have children that we need to periodically discuss. She said she will continue to call the kids when they are with me and was upset that I am using her sister as an itermidiary. She goes on to say that I should of asked her first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Finally, she said that she wished me no harm, found my plan b letter hurtful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> and asked me not to use the kids against her.

I will not reply and will continue to remain DARK.

HTW

Hope:

Finally she is feeling a small price for her actions. She needs to know she can't have it both ways, the family as it was before, and her freedom with undisturbed access to her OM, if he is still around.

Even after 2.5 years since D-Day with my FWW, my wife brought up her affair last night and stated her self esteem remains low to this day. I have forgiven her many times, but WS's cannot escape their own actions and conscious. Your WW, rather you win her back or not, will eventually have to deal with her actions.

Dr. Harley pointed out that lovers can have the best romance and sex in the world but once it is over, he pointed out that WS's have told him they lay in bed and think about the damage they did to their family.

You may not win this battle, but believe me, you will win the war. Your family values and morals will take you to your next relationship and your WW's lack of family values and morals will haunt her in her next relationship.

Keep being you and don't fall prey to her wanting to have both relationships in the manner she wants them.

TooSoon

I thought of the above quote today as my WW attempted to crack my DARK Plan B.

This morning my DS called my WW and informed her that he had a fever and wasn't feeling well. Later in the afternoon, she called (I let it go to voicemail) and asked for my DS or DD to call her to let her know how my DS was feeling. Several minutes later I asked my DS if he wanted to call his mom to let her know how he is feeling...he said "not now".

An hour or so later I decided to being painting my bedroom
as my kids were taking a nap. My DS must of heard me and came upstairs to help me paint and as we were painting I again asked him again if he wanted to call his mom to let her know how he was feeling...he said "not now, I'm painting".

Finally, just before bedtime my WW called and I let my DD answer. She spoke to her mom for a while and then my DS spoke to her and told her how he was doing and that I was taking care of him.

Then my DS said "dad, mom wants to speak to you" so I shook my head indicating NO and he said "dad doesn't want to speak to you mom". Then she decided to try and play the "emergency" card as my DS said "dad, mom says it's an emergency". That is when I asked my DS to ask what the emergency was and when he did, the conversation ended and she finally said goodbye to him.

I feel bad that my son had to be the liason between me and my WW but I was not going to break my Plan B so she can ask me if I was going to take DS to doctors or something of that nature. I felt great not giving in and talking to her so she could ask me some non-emergency questions <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

MWIL, I was thinking about the above statement you made a few days ago and have started to understand what you meant by this. Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Good for you for not taking the call, I'm sure she was just going to b*tch at you for not calling her sooner regarding your DS. She is going to HAVE TO start having faith you are taking good care of the kids when they are with you.

Hope...stay dark....

I also know you're wondering what she had to say....because it was not that she was "willing to meet your Plan B demands" you did the right thing...

fcf is probably correct, she is angry that you did not make children call her....see, I did not know of plan B and total darkness so what would happen is she would have to be VERY careful what she said because as soon as she started "going off" my phone turned off...which happened a lot because if she did not have anything to say (other than drivel) I would say NOTHING...which if you think about it is even more frustrating...cause she would finally ask me if I was going to say anything and I would ask "What is it EXACTLY, that you want me to do again?"....and tada!! She'd get it...and leave me be....

Stay Dark......because what MWIL said is SOOOO TRUE.....

Today was WW's visitatin night and at about 3:00pm (which is her time to pick up kids) I recieved a call from a private caller that I let go to voice mail. Turns out it is my WW who is waiting in my driveway and her message is her bitching that she can't get a hold of me and she is waiting in my driveway..yada yada yada.

So I got the kids ready and kissed them goodbye. The voice mail made my blood pressure rise a bit and I'm wondering if there are any suggestions on how to prevent WW from using my voicemail to annoy me. I need to provide her access to the kids so I don't know what I should do here.

Then my WW dropped off the kids a half hour late just as I was about to call to see where they were. That would have broken my Plan B I know but I was getting worried.

Finally WW spent 15 minutes in my driveway consoling my DD who was crying because she will miss her mommy.

The whole time I waited for my DD inside and out of sight from my WW.

Another day in Plan B.

stay strong... I am going dark soon and I want to know how the minefield is

Tonight I visited my brother and had dinner there with my kids and his family. I had a great time and when I see his family together it kind of makes me sad since I'm reminded of what I had with my family not too long ago.

My kids had a great time also and were allowed to stay late to play with their cousins, which is something WW would not have allowed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My neice has special needs and requires 24 hour care so when I see my brother take care of her it puts things into perspective since I do not think I would have the strength to deal with his problems. He is a great brother and has always been their for his little brother.

While away my WW left a message saying that she wants to pick up the kids 2 hours early tomorrow. She did the same thing last week and although I don't have a major issue with this I don't think I plan on making it a habit. BTW, when she leaves messages now she talks as if she is talking directly to the kids. Only when she is upset does she refer to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Do not accommodate her!!! You need to let her feel the consequences for her actions! I would only stray off course if there was perhaps a birthday party or something the kids would enjoy doing scheduled at that time. This is for her benefit and if the tables were reversed how would she be??

As far as letting her voice mails upset you. Hope...seriously, if I received a voice mail that even had the hint of a "tone" *D (message deleted) before it even ended...in fact I got in trouble with my children for having my messages on speaker and doing that. I was told I was rude "and mommy asked if you got a lot of messages... ;-)

Stay strong buddy....

Hi HTW,

I see you are embarking in a new stage of relationship development with your WS.

I agree with SMOMW that you should not accommodate your WW.

I too had to deal with demands of my XW, who was a WW at the time, when I first got separated.

At the time I was extremely bitter and angry so I would make no concessions at all for her.

Over the years, every time I have been “the nice guy again” she has taken advantage of me. This is because she is a passive aggressive selfish person and at one time I was the PERFECT enabling codependent that could see no person that I cared for suffer.

On a few occasions I made gestures of good will toward her by trying to help her out.

It ended up that she was angry all the time because she wanted to have a single life and still have children. She couldn’t have both see.

Of course that was all my fault because she had to blame somebody for her sh*tty predicament.

I learned over the years that whatever our D decree said was what we were going to do. It eliminated conflict and lessened emotions of resentment.

The best thing that you can do here for the kids sake is to always be on time for them so they can get used to their routine.

Always let them know that they are loved by you more than anything else in the world.

Always make it clear to them that there are two rules sets for them; one at your WW’s house and one set at yours.

I heard everything that you have so far.

The only real mistakes I made as a new full time part time Dad was that I would allow my XW to contact me when my kids were with me. I also showed up late for pickup on many occasions because of my work schedule which sucked.

My XW’s tactic for “giving me the bad news” when I had the children was her way of trying to temper my responses. She believed that if I had the kids with me I would smile and nod my head yes all the time.

This was true partly but it just made me despise her all that much more because after a while I figured her out and decided she was truly a manipulative selfish person.

BTW, it took my XW about ten years to admit that she was a rotten person back then.

She tried to strike up reconciliation efforts after about 6 months of separation and we were D’d by then.

Her OM, a nice little doctor that she had been working with for seven years, decided that the kids were a drag and he’d rather start out a M with someone that had far less baggage.

I’m pulling for you HTW!!

Make us proud and follow the plan.

Well guys I followed your advice and did not accomodate my WW by letting her pick up the kids earlier than our LSA stipulates. She wasn't happy of course but I don't really care.

It's been 2 weeks now since I have spoken to her and I have only seen her briefly during pick ups. I make sure I don't look at her and don't spend more time than necessary when picking up the kids.

I'm giving my house a complete paint job and it already has changed my mood for the better by giving the house a fresh look and removing some of the old memories. My bedroom looks like a guys room now and I have tons of closet space. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Tomorrow I'm going to the race track to watch a few car races with a friend (sorry not NASCAR send me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

So I'm actualy feeling better this week even though I'm not with the kids as my energy level has slowly been increasing.

Plank, thanks again for the great insight and I can relate to much of the things you stated. My WW sounds alot like your XW unfortunately <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Good morning, HWT! I'm glad to hear that you are doing well! I'm excited about the changes you have made to the house. I understand how that would make you feel better. Good for YOU! Keep up the great work!

Rin

HWT I hear yeah my WW tried to talk a bit yesterday, first she asked about my pickup today, I said 4pm I then asked if the girls could spend wednesday night with me, as she works late. She said no, so I hung up.

THen my 6yr old called back said why did I hang up on mommy, 6yr old said mommy said I was immature <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Is that a bit of projection?

I just have no room for her to hold the kids away from me when I got 6 calls from the kids yesterday wanting me to come get them. She wouldn't allow it, well we should have our legal stuff figured out this week. If not its off to court and my mound of documentation.

Well it has been three weeks of Plan B now and I seem to be settling into some sort of routine that will probably last a long time. I don't think I have said a word to my WW during Plan B and have only seen her a few times during the transfer of our children.

She seems to be respecting my desire for NC with her not withstanding a few exceptions. Recently she sent me an email regarding some the kids extra curricular activities and after that I decided to block her email address since I asked her to direct everything through my intermidiary.

At this point I don't have much hope for recovering my M since I feel she is happy with the seperation and doesn't seem bothered by my Plan B. Regardless, it has slowly helped me to regain my self-respect back and proven to me that I don't need her in my life.

I just finished painting the bedrooms of my house and the kids love their new bedroom and bedroom sets that I just purchased. My DD's room was painted pink and she loves her new bed and covers. It's a real girly room and it warms my heart to see her happy with it. My DS's room is blue with new furniture also and he is really likes how we set it up. Now I just need to find some Star Wars stuff to hang on the walls for him.

I love my new bedroom colour and furniture as it looks like a bachelor pad and has helped me erase many bad memories as well. Next week I will tackle the main floor and kitchen which has been neglected for the last couple of years.

Tonight I had my son's friend and parents come over to visit and seeing how kind, flexible and understanding she is towards her husband helped re-emphasize how poorly my WW treated me over the last couple of years. I deserve much better and will not settle for crumbs again.

Hi HTW,



Haven't read your whole thread.... but I am glad to hear that you came to this conclusion.....PLAN B and the 'distance' it helps put between a BS and WS is extremely helpful in that sense.....

...because you don't really want to continue dealing, never mind living, with a WS.....you really don't...a BS is better off facing life's challenges alone than with a WS...

...sounds like you are keeping busy and taking 'control' of your life......

Keep up the good work!