JL,
How are YOU?

Thank you for the brief but specific response. The old Nordstrom would confront my H with an angry outburst, proof points and ultimatums. My 1st inclination was to wake him up in the middle of the night after I found out that he went to the bar, show him the receipt and remind him of his exact words to me. My 1st inclination w/ regards to the phone call (which is partly what I did) was to ask him to show me where "James" had called his cell phone. I also wanted to call this woman and ask her what was so urgent that she needed to call my H at 8:30 in the evening.

I don't know if we're in a safe enough place yet for me to ask for honesty. I really, really want to ask for it but he seems so angry and so quick to jump to negative conclusions where I'm concerned. If I rub my head while he's talking, he says I'm mocking him. If I ask what time he'll come to the house, he says I don't understand the pressure he's under to get various errands accomplished.

Last night he was too tired to come to the house as previously planned. I was tempted to chastise him and tell him how disappointed and fed up I was, but I simply told him I understood and hoped he'd get some much needed rest so he'd be refreshed and ready to tackle another day of family errands. Today, I decided, (instead of calling him in the morning to wish him a good day) to make my own plans and to keep my mind occupied with things I need to accomplish (paying the bills w/out his help, exercise, visiting friends, doing my school homework in advance, getting my nails done, etc). He's called a few times today and I haven't answered or called him back. I'll call him a bit later but I really need to get my emotions a bit stronger before we speak. He probably hasn't thought much about me not answering his calls. Typically, he just calls to tell me what he has to do and how busy he's going to be. Then he'll come out to the house and things will go fairly smooth but he'll announce his plans for the next day and how he will need to leave early in the morning...

One glimmer of hope was that during our small group meeting at church we were asked to describe what first attracted us to our spouses and he had lots to say. We also were asked to describe our ideal date w/ our spouse and he said he wanted a peaceful evening with my full attention. I thought that was interesting as that was what he used to ask for before he moved out. Somehow I had forced myself to believe that he no longer wanted the things he wanted initially in our relationship. He's such a different person now that I sometimes anticipate that he no longer wants children (even though we already have the names picked out and even have baby accessories).

Okay, so the new Nordstrom will work to make my part of the next few days/encounters w/ my H as peaceful as possible. We have a MC appoint. on Tues. If my H will attend, I could talk w/ him about what I know during the session. He has said that he doesn't think we need to go anymore but I'm hoping I can at least make the request and ask that if it's his choice not to go on a regular basis that we'll at least go this time to have the MC set some goals for us to help us continue peacefully until our next impeding session (H is saying maybe every 6-8 wks instead of every month or every 2 wks). I'll go by myself and will tell H that I'll continue working on myself and that he's welcome to join at anytime so that we can both help make our marriage stronger.

I didn't mean to create such a long post but I'd rather get it out here than blast it at my H or cry another night.

I continue to see improvements -- at least in how I behave and how I'm growing in this relationship. I hope he sees the changes in me, but even if he doesn't, he's a human being and I've been expecting him to live up to my ideal person which is probably unattainable and unreasonable.

Blessings and thanks,

nordstrom

Nordstrom,

Sometimes this stuff reminds me of Judo. You have to use the other persons strength against them. I think this is such a time. You could for example simply say: "I found out for a fact that you lied to me about... It really hurt me to realize that you have lied to me." And then leave it alone. Message delivered. You know he lied, you were/are hurt. There really is no more to say at this point Nordstrom.

Do you see that? IT is up to his sense of honesty, it is up to HIS morals, it is up to HIM to address these issues, and yes ignoring them is addressing them. Not making yourself as available suggests you are disturbed, but it does not throw it in his face. It forces HIM to make decisions, it forces HIM to seek his strengths and truths. You cannot do it for him, you never could do it for him.

So kindly and carefully place the ball in his hands and let him deal with it. This is really NOT about you don't you see? IT is about his internal honesty, his moral code, his willingness to stick to his vows. Let HIM deal with it.

Do you see what I am talking about? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL